Tag Archives: Kris Jenner

Kanye Killed the Kardashians

KIM KANYE NORTHThe Kardashians are over.  You may feel like those over-saturated fame whores have already overstayed their welcome.  I agree.  This overness is different than justifiable Kardashian fatigue.  Sunday’s episode triggered the Kardashian kollapse and you can thank Kanye for the downfall. KOURTNEY AND KRISKanye’s unwillingness to allow North to be filmed for the show changes everything.  We know Kim from the inside out.  Literally.  She can’t give it all away and then decide to snatch it back and expect her voyeuristic fanbase to remain loyal.  We want to see Kim as a mother: changing the diapers, getting barfed on, all that delicious misery.  How can they expect to successfully film around Kim being a mom?  Withholding goes against the very Kardashian kore.  You simply can’t film a birthing episode without a baby.  They prep the nursery.  We see the ultrasound.  We admire Kim glammed at the hospital.  The baby is the big finish – the money shot.  Kim should know a little something about that. KIM AND KANYE KUWTKNothing can last forever.  The hypnotic Kardashian trance of hair and ass had to eventually lift like a cloud of mustard gas.  Unless Kylie and Jaden film a sex tape, I wonder how the family will fill the next several contractually obligated seasons of Keeping Up With the Kardashians.  Either Kanye sacrifices his first born to the insatiable child-eating E! Gods or we can blissfully kiss the Kardashians goodbye. NORTH WEST

Wednesday’s Watercooler

AHS THE COVEN VOODOOFinally, the Coven gathers tonight.  Let the stylized ritual killings of teenage girls begin!    AHS COVEN PROMOKRIS AND BRUCE BITTERNESSI am embarrassed to admit I am little sad over the inevitable Bruce and Kris divorce news.  I find the whole Kardashian sham oddly comforting.  The fuzzy edged intersection between orchestrated and organic in this family still fascinates me a little.KARDASHIAN JENNERBETHENNY AND ELLENIf you want to see her trainwreck of a talk show, better get to Bethenny before she gets cancelled.  Almost everyday a new story surfaces from a new unnamed source talking smack about all the backstage drama.  We hear the ratings are crap, Bethenny can’t book guests (ya’ll Jill Zarin and Alex McCord allegedly turned her down), and there’s even chatter Ellen wants her named dropped from Bethenny’s credits.  The pervasive negative press proves she’s obviously pissed off a disloyal member of her camp who continues to leak stories to fan the fire.  Good thing she has all that booze money to cushion her fall from daytime. BETHENNY NO

 

Kreepy Kardashian Kutouts

Kreepy Kendall KutoutKreepy Kim KutoutKreepy Kourtney Kutout

Kim’s Fairytale Pre-Divorce Party

Look, I know we’ve all suffered severe Kardashian fatigue, but I can’t deny watching the first and second parts of the Kim Kardashian wedding miniseries (like the rest of you bitches).  I think we can all agree the major takeaway is that Humphries is an insufferable asshole.   Please enjoy five reasons why Kris Humphries will be the second, but not last husband of the poorman’s Elizabeth Taylor, Kim Kardashian.1)  The Dogs.  The moment K+K began bickering over the dogs, it was obvious they were incompatible.  A neat freak will never be comfortable with animals crawling amid the duvet and contaminating the bed.  Furthermore, arriving with dogs without asking first was a totally self-important dick move on Humphries‘ part.  2) He’s late.  Setting aside the absurdity of a modern couple registering at Geary’s, when a groom is scheduled to appear on wedding related-business, he best show up on time.  Kommandant Kris Jenner calls all the shots in this family; a bad impression with her and end up with a million dollar cap on the pre-nup.  3) He talks too much.  This oversized oaf fucking talks too much, no?  He’s yapping at Khloe, poking the bear.  He talks shit behind Kim’s back.  He constantly blurts dumbass comments and causes offense.  He’s confused if he thinks he’s the star of the show, honey.  Know your place Hump; you get paid to toss balls, not provide narrative.  At the time of filming he didn’t even have a ball-tossing job; does he now? 4) He’s controlling.  Raise the red flag when the groom cares so much about the color scheme he’s Skyping the wedding planner.  A recent run-in with an über controlling groom was very unattractive.  Not to sound old timey, but go smoke a cigar and let the womenfolk fuss over arrangements.  5) He’s arrogantHumphries emits the stank of undeserved superiority.  Nobody knew who his ass was before Kim, and no one cares now.  He needs to stop acting irreplaceable.  And why did he race outta the room when Khloe pressed him on his STD history?We totally hate him, right?  If for no other reason than because he makes me sympathize with these vapid Kardashian Kuntz.  How long are second marriages running these days?  9 months?  I got $5 on 9 months in our theoretical office pool.