Tag Archives: Lady Gaga

Sunday with Beyoncé

Sebastian Faena Forever

Beyoncé’s 4 Problems

Beyoncé’s new record 4 came out this week and it isn’t very impressive or interesting.  The mainstream media blows rose petals up B’s ass all day long, but is she really all that?  The highly overrated Beyoncé has got issues, and here’s just 4.Some might argue that despite the success of Dangerously in Love and B’Day, Beyoncé has yet to release a seminal work.  In this download-the-single world, some may not see the importance of a well-constructed, complete album, but releasing an album with 2 hit singles and 10-12 tracks of filler illustrates the difference between a greedy paper chaser (Forbes top-earner 2009) and artistic integrity.  When Beyoncé is on, she’s really, really, sublime, see Ring the Alarm, Me, Myself & I, but her filler is so offensive it makes you question her overall standards.Beyoncé’s fucking boring.  Next to Gaga’s theatrics and Rihanna’s edgier sexuality, Beyoncé’s show looks like a cotillion.  Respectful, well-behaved, and lady-like, Beyoncé’s biggest rebellion is wearing a heavily-enforced diaper on stage and setting her wind-machine to high.  Hanging out with Gwyneth fucking Paltrow isn’t doing much for her swagger either.  These days, stepping out with Beyoncé is more akin to visiting with your proper aunt than raging with a rockstar.Beyoncé’s stuck in a rut.  The lyrically uninspired 4 sounds like it could have come out three years ago.  Tired and unoriginal, Beyoncé vacillates between deferential obedience and put-him-in-his place neck-rolls, all very well-tread ground for the artist. What’s new here?  Nada.

It takes more than a mythical range and amazing vocal control to make a hit record – just ask Christina AguileraBeyoncé works in all the grunts, runs, and big-note belting she can, but we’ve seen all these tricks before, and they do nothing to bring the snoozy 4 to life.

With all of Beyoncé’s access and resources, there really isn’t an excuse for this mediocre offering.  You won’t hear the truth elsewhere because Tina Knowles scares the shit out of everyone.

Sunday with Laurieann Gibson

GRAMMY 2011 FASHION

Of everyone, Keri Hilson turned it out best and most appropriately in Basil Soda. Predictably, metallic mania saturated the 2011 Grammy red carpet.  JLo in Emilio Pucci, and look at little Snooks werking an exaggerated shoulder. Selena Gomez looked ten years older in J MendelHeidi Klum improved over her last dress disaster with this Julien MacDonald. Kim Kardashian gambled on titty tape in Kaufmanfranco, Miley in Cavalli, and Rimes in Reem Acra. JHud channeled Naomi in Versace.  She’d be a contender for best dressed if the skirt had reached the floor.  From the waist down, the dress is reading budget. Ciara showed almost everything in Emilio Pucci.  Wrong shoes girl. Minaj in Givenchy, Gaga in Hussien Chalayan, and (to some extent) Rihanna in Gaultier served avant-garde, but their attempts at fashion rebellion felt a bit contrived. Florence Welch broke out the new Givenchy hot off the runway.  Katy Perry dug up her Halloween faerie costume from 2001.  Wings Katy, really?  That abomination is fucking Armani yo!Don’t love the dress, but overall, this is a vast improvement for Nicole Kidman who has been looking like dookie lately.  Natasha Bedingfield and Julianne Hough also donned florals and patterns.

Sunday with Oprah

LIKE A VIRGIN

Handcuffs are officially pedestrian, but BSDM-inspired fashion accessories aren’t going anywhere.  Up the style ante with a provactive chastity belt.

They sort of resemble metal diapers with a locking feature.

No one is suggesting you bust out a full-on chastity belt, but there are interesting ways to manipulate the concept in a modern way. Exercise self-restraint (pun intended) when translating sex shop trends to the street.  Don’t confuse cutting edge with a cut cooch.  You feel me?

RHNY: BITCH BONER

Last night, we finally met a new housewife, Sonja Morgan, NYC’s answer to Lauri Waring Peterson.  We learned a few things about Sonja off the bat, 1) she’s fucked Argentine Max; 2) she name-drops on the Upper East Side; and 3) she married well and divorced even better.By the way Sonja, just ask Lady Gaga if anyone wears Mugler anymore.Did you catch LuAnn taking rhetorical bitchery to a whole new level when she asked Sonja if she wanted to look like a sausage?  LuAnn never lets an opportunity go by to dim the shine of those around her.

Bethenny, you wore that outfit last week and I gave you a pass on the matchy-matchy shit because your body and face looked banging.  However, I can’t let it go twice, matching is for cowards.  The compulsive need to exactly match clothes or accessory colors is for people who can’t dress.  Assuming this wasn’t shot on the same day as the Ambush, repeating an outfit as specific as this in such close temporal proximity is strictly verboten.

Ramona and her skeezy husband make me so uncomfortable.  Mario’s has the licentious stare of a sex offender, and the thought of them having a romantic evening conjures the chunder.  Bet she’s a real chandelier-swinger.  Taking a cue from the Gunvalsons, Ramona used her wiles to secure a vow renewal slated for later this season.

Back at the borough, God sent us a little rainbow called Brooklyn Fashion Weekend.  Jealous Jill ridiculed the whole event from beginning to end mostly because she wasn’t in it.  That shit was way budget though.

Ramona’s runway walk gave me the biggest bitch boner ever. At least this week Kelly knew she looked like a dude. Alex thought she was walking for Rick Owens.

Episode Highlight: Dutchess Van Kempen

From the conception of this scene, I don’t buy that this is the first pregnancy test Bethenny took.  Jesus H. Christ, is nothing sacred?  I really don’t need to see you squat right over the commode with the bathroom door open.Congratulations, but I don’t need the urine-soaked stick to prove it.  Just because Bravo begs you to film something doesn’t mean you have to agree.  By putting everything up for grabs Bethenny really cheapened herself, her relationship, and her baby.

Ramona denigrated Jill’s hosting gig for Kodak to avenge the perceived slight she suffered at Brooklyn Fashion Weekend.  Didn’t you get the memo?  Ramona’s a business person.  Ramona labors under the delusion she’s Bernanke or something.Ramona got a case of camera courage.  The spell of the lens and her paranoia about the way she will be perceived on television virtually levitated her into combat with Kelly. During Jill’s big shill speech for Kodak, Ramona whipped around like she was at a Badgely Mischka sample sale and told Kelly to “Shut up and listen!” Neither Kelly nor Ramona are equipped with enough intellectual acumen to make this fight interesting, so it ends with a very second grade “You have no brain, Good Bye!”Despite a total lack of discernment, I credit Ramona with forcing Kelly into the mud and making her wrestle.  Kelly would like nothing better than to appear above the fray, so I love that Ramona embarrassed her by engaging her in a highly disruptive, childish exchange while simultaneously ruining Jill’s endorsement deal.  Kadooze Ramona, Kadooze!