Tag Archives: lesbian

You don’t need…

LAXATIVEYou don’t need a laxative; eat more berries. BERRIES

You don’t need to leave your husband and kids for a lesbian 20 years your junior; acknowledge you’re having mid-life crisis.

MIDLIFE CRISISYou don’t need an electronic cigarette; you need a vape pen. VAPE PEN

You don’t need to feel like you’re missing out if you aren’t watching Lindsay; it’s boring as fuck.

LINDSAY BORING

The Real L Word: InSemenAteHer

Saj and Chanel rolled up on their 30 day anniversary still not having shared a proper fuck.  Determined to get down, Saj awoke early to cook Chanel a five star breakfast including heart shaped waffles and fresh squeezed orange juice. The two celebrated the day with pony rides followed up by a full body massage courtesy of a very horny and hopeful Saj. Of course the most clichéd and predictable move in the foreplay handbook worked like a charm.  Finally, these two consummated their relationship.  Anybody surprised Chanel topped Saj?Post-fuck, Saj called her sassy yet uninformed Mom, who asked a series of comical questions about the who, what, when, where, and why of lesbian sex. A lezzie-sex novice herself, Saj did her best to demystify the art of scissoring and other misunderstood Sapphic rituals.

Claire rocked a little side boobie when she went to pick up her stuff from Francine’s house.  At the end of last week’s episode, Francine and friends hauled all of Claire’s shit to the front porch to marinate in a messy pile of resentment overnight.  Predictably, Claire immediately called Vivian and begged her to come to L.A. for a visit.  So we all agree that selfish and immature Claire pretty much sux ass, right?Kacy and Cori further prepared for their reproductive quest this week by taking a series of ovulation tests.  After several inconclusive home results, the couple visited Dr. Morris who informed them that Cori was indeed ripe.Upon this discovery, the Doc went to fetch the iced spunk and inseminated Cori then and there. In an effort to support Kacy and Cori’s expansion plans, Whitney and Alyssa decided to create a dong mold to build a dick-shaped inseminator.  While brainstorming for a perfect candidate, Whitney thought of her well-endowed friend Caes.Proud of his package, Caes agreed to model for the dong mold and brought his girlfriend as a fluffer.  It took several frustrating attempts to sync the timing of the hard-on with the firming of the goop.  The crew experimented with different vessels, but eventually Whitney and her friend Ruby just smeared the rubbery gunk on the mang’s junk with their bare hands. After the dong mold formed, Whitney slid it off and was pleased the shape had set to her satisfaction.  Caes dried off his wenis (4 u MWY) with a towel and then chucked it at Whitney’s head to her horror and disgust.  Enjoy a shot of dude’s wang because I know you pervs are dying to see it. 

WHY WAIT?

Over the weekend I had a lengthy discush with a good friend about giving it up too early.  Well past virgin territory, arguments for waiting have nothing to do with Jesus or wedding nights.  In no particular order, a few good to reasons slow down…1. Jumping into the kip on the first night has become a tired cliché.  It’s neither sexy nor rebellious.  It is expected and ordinary.  Nobody’s talking purity rings here, but honestly, some of ya’ll don’t even get a first and last name before getting naked.2. After a certain age, one realizes authentic chemistry is exceedingly rare.  If another person gives you butterflies, delight in the magic and draw out the phenomenon for as long as possible.  Fuck too soon and bang the butterflies to death.3. Most people are selfish and dirty.  In a one night stand situation, most people won’t confess to the herp, hep, HIV, or clap.  A greater majority don’t even know they are spreading warts all around town.

4.  Reasonable delay allows anticipation and tension to build.  Courtship creates mystery and interest.  Easy = Boring. 5. Holding out for a minute also allows you to weed out the following: 1) stage 5 clingers, 2) assholes, and 3) beer-goggle regrets.

Skills for life: protect your vagina and your wangXO,DC