Tag Archives: Lesbians

You don’t need…

LAXATIVEYou don’t need a laxative; eat more berries. BERRIES

You don’t need to leave your husband and kids for a lesbian 20 years your junior; acknowledge you’re having mid-life crisis.

MIDLIFE CRISISYou don’t need an electronic cigarette; you need a vape pen. VAPE PEN

You don’t need to feel like you’re missing out if you aren’t watching Lindsay; it’s boring as fuck.

LINDSAY BORING

Four for Friday

Notice how ever since The Soup moved to Wednesday it’s lost some of its zhush?  How can you do a thorough weekly round-up on a show that airs midweek?  Explain this suicidal programming decision por favor.  Jersey Shore sputtered out like a two-pump chump.  I’m guessing that’s what the lesbians affectionately call Vinny after the world’s least erotic three-way. Notice Bethenny’s show is building up to the infamous Amador boat trip even though everyone already widely believes the entire event to be staged for the cameras?  PR strategy or arrogant stupidity?Spent the last two days learning some interesting, scientific, and at times witchy stuff about the human body.  As if I needed another reason to sleep a full 8-10 hours, apparently the only way to truly rest and repair the adrenal glands is by consistently getting a full 8 hours of sleep.  The body repairs the adrenals during a specific period later in the sleep cycle.  If sleep is interrupted, the body resets to hour one and misses the opportunity to repair.  Can you poop without a stimulant (caffeine, nicotine, etc.) in the morning?  If not, this could be a sign of adrenal insufficiency.  Stressed, pissy and fatigued?  Consider the possibility that your chronic sleep deprivation depletes important hormones.

 

The Real L Word: A Lesbian Field Day

Whitney fetched SF fling Jaq from the airport to help organize The Pants & Pumps ThrowdownWhitney explained the event as a lesbian field day that pits the fem lezzies against the butch gals all for the benefit of charity.  Upon the conclusion of an afternoon of prop making, the two dropped trou for a slow, yet surprisingly lackluster showerfuck.

Francine’s mom Yoko flew in to LA and arrived dressed like a slot-machine-addicted Vegas retiree.  Even after throwing back two poolside cocktails and chain smoking a few cigarettes, Franny still couldn’t muster the courage to reveal her girl-loving proclivities to her strict Japanese mother.The next day Franny brought Yoko back to her house and tried to ply her with rice wine before dropping the gay sake bomb.  Yoko took it surprisingly well, probably because like most mothers of homosexual children, she’s known of her daughter’s predilection perhaps even before Francine did.  When Franny mentioned Claire and admitted the two were once lovers, Yoko echoed the sentiment of the season: “that girl really really bad.”In their on-going attempts to reproduce, Kacy and Cori assembled a group of friends for a fertility ceremony on the beach.  Using a traditional symbol of fecundity – lilies – the gang focused their energy on inviting a new soul to join them.  Then they optimistically tossed the flowers into the ocean one by one.

With a ripe follicle detected, Cori and Kacy underwent another round of insemination with the hope that this time the procedure would produce a baby.  A quick search did not reveal any confirmation that the two have since successfully conceived, but best of luck on their quest to breed.

After completing preparations for The Pants & Pumps Throwdown, Jac and Whit hit the club.  Sara turned up with new girlfriend Erica, and Whit was completely distracted by their drunk and fervent PDA.  Always caving to her carnal desires against her better judgment, it was obvious how this scenario would play out for WhitneySara’s been the one cooch she could never lock down, so Whit will keep going back over and over until she gains the upper-hand.  Whitney doesn’t love Sara. Whitney loves the chase.

The whole idea of a lesbian field day seemed lame at first, but in actuality the event looked pretty fun.  The series of contests from tying a tie to applying false eye lashes were meant to provoke stereotypes.  In some ways the contest just reinforced traditional notions, especially when the Pants predictably emerged victorious.

The day peaked with chocolate syrup kiddie pool wrestling.  Kacy and Cori got so hot watching nearly nude Scarlett and Eli struggle against one another they had to discreetly retreat to the bushes to alleviate the intolerable sexual tension.

After a challenging season, good news for Romi, her accessory line Hija Por Vida was well received by Udi Behr of Love and Pride.  The promising professional step left Romi and her partner Vanessa feeling elated.  However, Romi still can’t take credit for single-handedly starting the tired-ass feather earring trend.  Though she does deserve credit for pulling her life together and doing something more this season than get wasted and fucked with a second-hand strap on.

The Real L Word: Break-up, Breakdown, Rebound

Saj’s mom Sarita flew into to town to help her recover from her split from Chanel.  Her highly amusing and enjoyable mother stated the obvious, that Saj and Chanel moved way too fast way too soon.  After a few days of maternal grounding, Saj literally wept at the thought of her mom’s return home.

Kacy met up with her friend DreaDrea and her wife conceived twins through insemination, and Kacy wanted to pump her for information on the process.  Once Drea admitted the two went through seven rounds of insemination over a year before they achieved a successful pregnancy, Kacy could barely contain her disbelief.

Later, Cori and Kacy tallied the cost of continuing the procedures over the next year.  After adding up all the different expenses, the two realized they were looking at $3,000 a month or roughly half their monthly take-home income.  Upon this realization, Cori wanted to start looking for a flesh and blood man to cooperate in the baby-making.  Kacy was clearly threatened by the thought of an actual dick entering the scene.  When she slightly raised her voice incredulous at the notion, oversensitive Cori reverted to little girl mode and whined for her to stop yelling before she broke down and fled to the other room to cry.

Well aware of their obvious incompatibility, Romi’s been itching for an excuse to dump Kelsey all season.  She unreasonably demanded that Kelsey completely cease drinking and join her in her sobriety.  When Kelsey admitted she had a glass of wine while with her sister the night before, Romi seized on the confession to create a relationship-ending dispute.

These bitches obviously don’t understand the virtues of a clean break. Romi hovered around while Kelsey packed her belongings.  Romi then drove her ex to a mutual friend’s house to crash.  Romi even went so far as to offer to provide groceries to the host on Kelsey’s behalf.

Whitney invited Kacy and Cori over to gift them with the inseminator.  Romi, fresh from the weave shop, also joined the phallic festivities.  When presented with the aqua dong (editorial note: impressive girth Caes), both the babymakers appeared genuinely touched by the gesture, summing up their feelings by saying, “there was never a more thoughtful dildo given.”When the gathering wound down, Romi pretended to leave, but as soon as she exited Whitney was all over her phone texting.  Whitney had that familiar poon-bandit look in her eye, and it was obvious she was orchestrating a rendezvous.  In the least surprising rebound ever, Romi snuck in the door and right back into Whitney’s familiar bed.

The Real L Word: I think you are confusing me with your other Asian.

Rookie lesbian Saj and her girlfriend of one month Chanel burned through the courtship period of their relationship and jumped right to the bickering.  This classic lesbian relationship foible of too-much-too-soon ruins so many unions before they even get started that it has become a gay shorthand cliché.Uncontrollably aroused by the spin cycle, Saj insisted on excessive PDA, going so far as to pin Chanel in a variety of compromising positions at the laundromat.  Embarrassed and smothered, Chanel literally had to fight off her aggressive advances.How can you tell when a lesbian is desperate to reproduce?  She hits up the Catholic fucking Church to light a candle for whatever Saint bestows such miracles. (St. Jude, patron saint of lost causes perhaps?)  Kacy did just that, hoping a pew and a prayer would result in a preggers Cori.Sadly, Cori came home that night with symptoms of menstruation and not pregnancy.  Just to be absolutely sure, she wasted a pregnancy test to confirm what she already knew was true.  The couple’s first attempt at insemination failed.  Supportive Kacy cushioned the disappointment by procuring two cigarettes which the two smoked with heavy hearts.Claire’s “other Asian” flew in from NYC to nurse the brat’s wounded ego after Franny wasn’t feeling her selfishness.  Personally, Vivian is more physically attractive, but Franny’s got more personality and verve.  Vivian donned this infantilizing pedo-bait lingerie and played little girl lezzie for her sexy time reunion.Well aware of Vivian’s arrival, jealousy and spite drove Franny to inform HBIC Whitney that she and the other girls had been the subject of Claire’s criticism concerning their jobs, looks, and style.  Franny is quite the little shit stirrer, going so far as to provide textual support for her claims. Skills for life people, skills for life.  DO NOT repeat something that you know will hurt someone’s feelings.  Remain suspicious if a person reveals mean secondhand gossip about you to your face; the bearer of the message has an agenda and cares more about manipulating you than about your hurt feelings. At Haute, Whitney confronted Claire on Franny’s accusations.  Clearly rattled, she unconvincingly denied smack talking the other castmates.  Whitney more or less saw through Claire’s denials, but really didn’t seem all that upset about being called a “professional partier.”  She’s admitted as much herself this season.With Vivian and Claire together, Franny felt extra insecure and launched a new round of petty attacks.  Eventually, Claire and Franny ended up on the same sofa where Franny blew up at Claire in a scene Viv aptly described as “messy.”  Indeed, the screaming match between Claire and Franny caused a loud public scene, but the fact that Viv sat there silently like an obedient geisha while her girlfriend was getting reamed explains why Claire revisited fiery Franny in the first place.Franny threw a “landscaping party,” which is basically an excuse for her friends to do her yard work in exchange for free booze.  At the get-together, Chanel started feeling sorry for herself and threw a pity party of her own in the bathroom.  Her childish behavior had Saj chasing after her at first.  As Chanel persisted in her antics however, Saj got super aggravated and decided to quit the relationship.  Break-ups like these usually don’t stick, but Chanel stormed out anyway for dramatic effect.

The Real L Word: InSemenAteHer

Saj and Chanel rolled up on their 30 day anniversary still not having shared a proper fuck.  Determined to get down, Saj awoke early to cook Chanel a five star breakfast including heart shaped waffles and fresh squeezed orange juice. The two celebrated the day with pony rides followed up by a full body massage courtesy of a very horny and hopeful Saj. Of course the most clichéd and predictable move in the foreplay handbook worked like a charm.  Finally, these two consummated their relationship.  Anybody surprised Chanel topped Saj?Post-fuck, Saj called her sassy yet uninformed Mom, who asked a series of comical questions about the who, what, when, where, and why of lesbian sex. A lezzie-sex novice herself, Saj did her best to demystify the art of scissoring and other misunderstood Sapphic rituals.

Claire rocked a little side boobie when she went to pick up her stuff from Francine’s house.  At the end of last week’s episode, Francine and friends hauled all of Claire’s shit to the front porch to marinate in a messy pile of resentment overnight.  Predictably, Claire immediately called Vivian and begged her to come to L.A. for a visit.  So we all agree that selfish and immature Claire pretty much sux ass, right?Kacy and Cori further prepared for their reproductive quest this week by taking a series of ovulation tests.  After several inconclusive home results, the couple visited Dr. Morris who informed them that Cori was indeed ripe.Upon this discovery, the Doc went to fetch the iced spunk and inseminated Cori then and there. In an effort to support Kacy and Cori’s expansion plans, Whitney and Alyssa decided to create a dong mold to build a dick-shaped inseminator.  While brainstorming for a perfect candidate, Whitney thought of her well-endowed friend Caes.Proud of his package, Caes agreed to model for the dong mold and brought his girlfriend as a fluffer.  It took several frustrating attempts to sync the timing of the hard-on with the firming of the goop.  The crew experimented with different vessels, but eventually Whitney and her friend Ruby just smeared the rubbery gunk on the mang’s junk with their bare hands. After the dong mold formed, Whitney slid it off and was pleased the shape had set to her satisfaction.  Caes dried off his wenis (4 u MWY) with a towel and then chucked it at Whitney’s head to her horror and disgust.  Enjoy a shot of dude’s wang because I know you pervs are dying to see it. 

The Real L Word: JUICY

Rachel finally cornered Whitney (and the camera crew) in the guest bathroom at a pool party.  With very little solicitation on Rachel’s part, Whitney bent her over the sink and turned her out unbeknownst to the sunbathers just outside.Kacy and Cori visited the fertility specialist who advised baby vessel Cori to kick cigarettes for maximum fertility.  Cori hired a Mark Harmonesque hypnotist named Bruce to cure her of her addiction.  Immediately after Bruce broke the induced trance, Cori felt the treatment worked.Apparently, the spell’s magic only had a shelf life of about 6 hours, because later that evening Cori was crawling out of her skin with a raging nic fit.  Thinking an electric cigarette might ease her suffering, Cori made Kacy drive her from gas station to corner store on the hunt for the elusive device.  In the process of hitting up store after store, Cori left her phone behind, and completely lost her shit when she discovered it had gone missing.Several castmembers ended up at the same girlparty PYT.  Everyone seemed to enjoy mellow fun until one of Whitney’s wasted friends Chas started calling Claire a “deb” from New York.  A debutante burn?  No, apparently “deb” for “Debbie Downer” was the stated explanation, but that doesn’t really make much sense, right?  Was Chas implying it was desperate to relocate from New York to catch shine off a lezzie reality show?  Is Chas bitter she didn’t make The Real L Word cut?  For the most part this show prefers its lesbians of the lipstick or soft butch variety, and Chas is Dan Connor-flavored.

Romi’s friend Drew is a 12-stepper and is easing Romi into the recovery scene.  With Romi abstaining and Kelsey boozing, the two constantly clash and even discussed parting ways.  At 23, Kelsey’s still naïve enough to think this is a lasting arrangement.  In a last ditch effort to salvage the relationship, Kelsey pronounced that she too will quit the bottle.  Quite sure she can’t make it at a club without a drink, she phoned Romi’s sober buddy Drew to take her to AA.  Romi reacted selfishly to the news that Kelsey and Drew spent the evening cuddled in bed watching movies and threw a childish fit. Drew did drop this little nugget of wisdom, “If you have one foot in the past and one foot in the future, you’ll piss all over today.”  Could someone please embroider that on a pillow for me stat?Trading on her new-found recognition among the Lesbian community, professional pussy party pusher Whitney hosted her own girlparty Juicy (grossy).  Whitney and HBICs at The Real L Word deserve a little credit; many shows (eehhemm Hills) don’t want stars to acknowledge the reality of how fame affects their lives after the first season airs.  At least Whitney straight up acknowledges (with a hint of embarrassment) that she’s more or less succumbed to milking her F-list celebrity status.

The Real L Word: Smell My Hair

Kacy and Cori dropped $1,920 for three vials of jizz.  Don’t guys make like $100 a donation?  That’s some mark-up.  The couple paid extra for a donor who was open to being contacted when his offspring reach 18.  They celebrated with friends, family, and pizza at an informal sperm party at their home.

Whenever LA gets too thick with the stench of familiar poon, Whitney flees to San Francisco to revisit previous delicacies.  (This time thankfully she upgraded to a larger and nicer hotel room – no offense Phoenix.)  Former dish Jaq conveniently bumped into Whitney at Lexington, an SF institution.  Their fling ended the previous summer when Jaq changed her FB status to “in a relationship,” a setting that acts as Whitney repellent.Later, Whitney hosted a party at Trigger where she soaked up all the fan-love from season one.  She worked the room and provided photo ops for the star-struck crowd. The thing I don’t understand is like girls always want to smell my hair.  You know they’ll like come up and like sneak a sniff, and it’s like, I mean you can, but I don’t know if I should hand it to ‘em or what?  But one thing I’ve made sure of is that this shit always smells on point.”Alyssa and Rachel surprised Whitney in SF.  Rachel created an awkward situation when she assumed that she would be crashing in Whitney’s hotel room.  When Jaq showed up and smooched Whitney hello right in front of Rachel, it proved that regardless of geography, with Whitney, it’s never a drama-free weekend.Sajdah and Chanel sat down for their first official date.  Sajdah laid it on thick with lines like, “What I feel now?  I ain’t even know to desire before.  Like seriously like it’s more than I even knew to want.”  She then slid a note across the table old-school style and asked Chanel to check yes or no if she’d be her girlfriend.  She gifted Chanel a necklace and sealed the deal with a kiss.  Start loading the U-Haul.

Romi threw a dinner party and realized she didn’t know how to have fun without alcohol as a social lubricant.  After the meal, the group headed to the club where Kelsey got loaded and Romi got judgmental.  On the way home in the cab Kelsey complained about how the two never have sex.  Then she started crying over the fuck shortage and collapsed in Romi’s lap.Kelsey finally wore her down with tearful begging, and Romi relented and pity-fucked her.  Dudish Kelsey hilariously grunted “shit” after a particularly satisfying orgasm and closed the every-which-way reciprocal fucksesh by ejaculating.  Literally.

The Real L Word: A Slap in the Vadge

After their late night visit to the pussy diner, Sara and Whitney woke up and enjoyed some leftovers before heading to the dog park.  Because the L.A. lesbian geographical scope is rather limited, Rachel spotted Whitney and Sara at the local canine hotspot.  Rather than spook the two post-coital lovers, Rachel & Company slithered away unnoticed.The Real L Word’s voice of reason Alyssa confronted Whitney on seeing Sara on the low.  The most interesting trinket of information gleaned from the exchange is that Sara’s tits are fake!  I must be losing my eye, because I didn’t spot the rather conservative enhancement at first.  Did you?

Gold Star Rachel, slapped in the vadge by Whitney’s disinterest, curled up with her laptop, a vibrator, and some blow job porn to rub one out for the cameras.  She admits she leans toward the girl on guy oral stuff because the girls “look like they’re whores.”After her kitty petting sesh, Rachel wisely took an indirect approach to dismantling Sara and Whitney’s relationship.  She sat down with Alyssa and revealed that Sara has been rekindling with her significant long-term ex Hana and tried to hustle a job at an NYC salon.  Rachel played out the scenario with mastery, confident that Alyssa would run to Whitney and tattle on SaraRachel sat by innocently with all the proof conveniently saved on her cell phone.Sajdah’s straight friend Marissa arrived for an L.A. visit.  A glowing Sajdah drifted through the conversation in a muffin haze describing her lusty obsession with new lady Chanel.

Later, the three met up to march in the MLK parade.  After the march, Sajdah and Chanel shared their first kiss.  Totally love-struck, who can hate?  These two are super cute.Kacy and Cori are still on the sperm hunt after their first-choice candidate declined by text.  At first, both were wedded to the idea of knowing the donor, and so they approached good friends and gay couple Olivier & Paulo who also politely demurred.  Drawing closer to Cori’s ovulation date, the two agreed to pursue anonymous donors over the internet.  They paid $200 to access donor profiles and found several candidates they saved to their favorites.

This week finds Claire and Francine struggling to establish their respective roles in the 2.0 version of their relationship.  The vibe started off fun and upbeat, but was soon soured by oversensitivity and bickering.

Romi and Kelsey had a tense and uncomfortable dinner with Romi’s change-of-life-lesbian Mom.  The two aired their dirty relationship laundry over Sake, and reaffirmed what we all know: that this shit is DOOMED.  We also learned Romi is 29!?, bi-polar, and an alcoholic.The following evening when Romi returned from work, she sent Kelsey out to the liquor store so the two could pre-game before a night on the town.  This is only relevant because it was very amusing that as Kelsey walked out we got a glimpse of the camera crew sitting on the floor outside the apartment in the hallway.  Very profesh editing Real L Word. All the ladies of various factions coalesced at girlparty Haute for beats and booze.  Even though the community is small, a few members of the cast were introduced for the first time.  Buzzed, Romi and Rachel obsequiously flirted and eventually smooched right in front of Kelsey. Whitney took her liquid courage and confronted Sara about Hana and her backdoor dealing.  Claire got all sanctimonious about the drama in the club and split.  Don’t worry Claire, your time for scene-making shouting matches will come before the season closes.Belligerently drunk by the end of the evening, Romi and Kelsey spent several minutes trying to arrange a cab while simultaneously fighting about Romi’s unmitigated make-out moment with Rachel.  The next morning, Romi feigned blackout amnesia to skirt responsibility for her drunk, slutty behavior the night before.  Kelsey seemed to buy Romi’s excuse, but she’s the only one. Dumbass Claire ruined a successful evening with Francine by rushing home to Skype with Vivian in NYC.  Understandably pissed off by Claire’s contradictory behavior, Francine nursed her her own stinging slap in the vadge.