Remember in American Beauty where Jane (Thora Birch) and Angela (Mena Suvari) enjoy a joint in the car after the basketball game? Angela informs Jane, “There’s nothing worse in life than being ordinary.” Portia de Rossi is Angela, and the fear of mediocrity has driven both her success and her eating disorder. 
Here are a few tidbits not covered in that surprisingly snoozy Oprah interview. Did you know that Portia’s husband (Mel) left her for her brother’s wife (Renee)? Juicy, right? I’ll give that one a moment to sink in. 
We all know that Amanda Rogers changed her name to Portia de Rossi when she was 15, though I’d never heard the whole back story until reading Unbearable Lightness. Underage Amanda was at a club when the manager took her upstairs to give her herpes an all-access medallion awarded to VIP’s. When asked her name, she decided Amanda Rogers was way too average, so she pulled a Keyser Söze and renamed herself Portia de Rossi. “Portia” she lifted from The Merchant of Venice, and “de Rossi” was plucked from a string of credits rolling by at the end of a movie.
Read into this what you will; Portia on her first unrequited love: “If I was successful, I could win her, seduce her with money and power just as Martina Navratilova and Melissa Etheridge had won their previously heterosexual girlfriends. By their actions, these powerful, famous lesbians told the world that straight women were more desirable than gay ones and if you were rich and powerful enough, you could snag one of your own.”
The maternal surprise theme continued this week when Nik imported Jill’s mom to L.A. for a weekend of wedding planning. The three ladies hit the wedding dress store posthaste to find the perfect gown for Jill. The dress they selected was an improvement over the previous option, but overall it wasn’t particularly spectacular or original. Wonder if they have adequately considered that two brides marching down the aisle side-by-side in white dresses will inevitably draw comparisons over who looked better?
Next, the couple took Jill’s mom to the cliffside mansion wedding location in Malibu. Jill and her Mom had a moment on the beach, and Jill’s mom expressed her blessing for the union. With the support of her mom, Jill blossomed and began to truly emanate the irrepressible glow of a bride to be.
Rose and Natalie arrived in Palm Springs and headed straight for Dinah Shore’s actual house which they rented for their weekend of relationship destruction. Natalie and Rose managed to keep the peace through the first night at the white party. However, by the next day’s pool party, Rose started popping off. The two got into it over going to the ladies room. This gave Rose the excuse she needed to run off and flirt with other women while ignoring Nat.
Instead of crying in her cheap beer, Natalie made her own fun dancing with friends. Later, Rose returned back to the rental house, and just as she was explaining to her friend that she and Natalie were “on a break,” she opened the bedroom door and saw Natalie packing up her belongings. Finally, Natalie asserted herself against Rose’s unreasonable bitchiness and kicked her ass to the curb — hopefully for good!
Mikey followed up last week’s public wedding proposal with another grand gesture: a tattoo of Raquel’s name across her wrist. Apparently Mikey hasn’t gotten the memo that this cliché is the kiss of death for relationships. At Dinah, Raquel, surprisingly prudish, couldn’t completely stomach the flamboyant display of lezzie love, so she and Mikey ended up spending most of their time in their hotel room lacing and unlacing her corset.
Stamie and Tracy teamed up to shoot a PSA for California health care. Stamie brought her daughter, Dautry, in an effort to force Zory to meet her. Zory and Dautry had a moment and bonded over lollipops, but it did little to ease the palpable tension between Zory and Stamie.
Later, Stamie admitted she was ready to have Tracy back full time and for Zory to go home. Ultimately, the visit served its purpose as it did seem to soften Zory’s anti-lesbian resolve. The gang closed out the evening by singing Tracy’s twenties goodbye. Tracy, it is a mistake to waste your remaining youth and hotness playing two mommies with another woman’s kids.
Whitney, essentially the Grand Marshal of the Dinah Shore dyke parade, dropped in on Palm Springs with a crew of enthusiastic Sapphics. Sara and Whitney engaged in a poolside flirtation, including a little bump and grind, before heading up to the hotel room for an afternoon delight.
The next day, Whitney and Sara coupled up and headed down to the pool party where they ran into none other than the dignity-challenged Romi! Apparently, Romi and Sara connected over Facebook, much to Whitney’s surprise and chagrin. 
Serving Whitney a heaping slice of humble pie, Sara and Romi wasted no time embracing each other and making out in the middle of the pool. In a unexpected turn for Dinah Shore, Whitney returned to her bed alone. Upon the weekend’s conclusion, Whitney declared, “Fuck it, I’m single as hell, so ladies, watch out!”
Dan “the designer” stopped by to help the lesblands spruce up their dinning room in time for Passover. Dan wasted no time pointing out every poor decorating choice in the room. He called the room dead, the walls muddy, the curtains schmatta rags, and accused the curtain rod of evoking “hostel.” 
Dan sent over a “lesbian-Liberace” chandelier which promptly dropped out of the mounting mid-installation, shattering glass over the floor and nearly splicing the lesbians, installers, and dogs to shreds. 
This sent Jill into an existential tailspin and caused her to completely reject the oversized chandelier, much to Nik’s dismay. Dan redeemed himself later by amping the table’s volume from Pottery Barn lezzy to full on five alarm queen with a multi-tier vase and candle extravaganza for the Seder.
The conflict between Rose and her mother appears to be driving her abuelita to an early grave. Just days after imploring with Rose to mend things with her mother to unify the family, Rose’s grandmother landed in the hospital with pneumonia. Cognizant her own actions were contributing to her grandmother’s ill health, Rose acted out with bitchy misplaced aggression towards Nat and everybody else.
Despite her stank mood, Rose decided she must fulfill her promise to appear at a friend’s party. A fight began to brew as Rose nitpicked Nat’s every word and action. Once inside the party, Nat hung close to her sister in the DJ booth, avoiding Rose. Using her grandmother as an excuse for bad behavior, Rose called her ex-girlfriend Angel and left Natalie high and dry without a ride or house keys. I would cut a bitch for this.
Super stressed over the planning for L.A. Fashion Week, Mikey evoked the Cutrone and ripped her intern a new asshole. If the seating chart and RSVP list require immaculate care, why leave such a colossal responsibility to an intern? Flailing around complaining about hanger discord, Mikey dropped F-bombs over Mena Suvari’s non-existent RSVP.
The lesbagang gathered for a friendly game of paintball: Team Rose vs. Team Whitney. Whitney and Tor wagered the winner of the paintball game got to fuck the loser with a strap-on. Tor joined Rose’s team, and in the end the last two standing were Whitney and Tor. Whitney triumphed and announced that tonight Tor would be her prize.
To prepare for that night’s festivities, Scarlett and Whitney hit the sex shop to buy a new harness. Whitney educated us all on lesbian strap-on etiquette: “It’s a very personal thing you are sharing with someone, so I don’t necessarily want to have one strap-on that I just use with everyone. It would be like some guy like not washing his dick between having sex with two girls.”
Scarlett provided the “bottom perspective” and between the two of them, appropriate gear was selected. After a lube recommendation from the fishnet-clad salesgirl, the two were on their way.
Tor looked reticent, but Whitney must have done something right because after uninhibited strap-on balls-to-the-wall sex (Whitney’s words, not mine), Tor awoke the next morning looking satisfied, if not a bit dazed.
The fun didn’t stop there; Whitney and the gurls planned the first annual White Trash Party complete with cheap beer, jello shots, pink flamingos, and the pièce de résistance: cream corn and lube wrestling.
After watching Whitney go twice around in the kiddie pool, Romi was so aroused she led Whitney by the hand to the bedroom where she illustrated why this program airs on Showtime.
We’ve learned from episodes past that Romi ain’t shy, but this week she took it from bold to porn star as she let the cameras film her getting acquainted with Whitney’s strap-on. Dignity concerns aside, I appreciate Romi for this instructive lesson because now I get it. Whitney’s stroke game exceeds that of most men.
As party guests pounded on the door, Whitney shamelessly pounded Romi presumably with the same accouterments she used the night before with Tor. Mayjah lesbian sex etiquette faux pas Whit! Whitney could only rationalize her behavior by saying, “I am a pussy slut.”
As the post-coital realizations began to dawn on Whitney, she walked around the party aftermath working a droopy dog half-hearted attempt at damage control, stopping in with Scarlett, Alyssa, and finally Tor. As it should be, the White Trash Party culminated in a nauseating mix of tears, lube, and cream corn.
We begin where we left off with Whitney picking up Tor from the airport. Tor’s crashing at Whitney and Alyssa’s house until she gets settled in L.A. Whitney admitted it’s a bit of a U-Haul situation. Alyssa, Tor’s cousin, worried she would fall victim to Whitney’s persistent pune juggling and get her newly-lesbian heart broken.
Tracy and Stamie played three-kids-two-mommies over in Silver Lake. “If Tracy took a second to think about this and break it down, that bitch be running down Ventura Boulevard. I’d have to stop her with my vehicle.” Amen Stamie. Tracy complained of exhaustion after one evening with the kids, and again in the morning when Nico woke her up. She obviously lacks the grit required for successful step-parenthood. These two ain’t gonna make it.
Nikki optioned Sexual Fluidity as a television show. She and Jill met with the author Lisa M. Diamond to discuss the project. The women have a strong connection to the book; Jill recommended it to her parents to explain her mid-twenties transition to lesbianism. She also admitted that despite wearing an engagement ring from Nikki, she struggles as identifying as an openly gay woman, saying “it doesn’t feel like it fits.” 
At the Abbey, Tracy, Stamie and the local lesbian pick-up game shared drinks. Whitney arrived and made a bee-line for Tracy. Stamie looked absolutely thrilled the playa was paying her snatch attention. 
Whitney got sidetracked when Romi, last week’s drama, showed up begging for scraps. Bitch gather your dignity, she’s just not that into you. 
Later, Whitney tried to give Romi good phone when Alyssa came outside to remind her that Tor was twiddling her thumbs inside. Whitney lied her ass off trying to put out the fires erupting all around her. 
Jill’s “best friend” Derek flew in from San Francisco, and Nikki showed visible signs of jealousy as Jill showered him with adulation. Nikki confessed she can’t compete with a man, but after seeing Jill’s engagement ring, I’m not sure a man could compete with her.
Mikey drug her assistant and intern to the party for her big Hollywood Chamber of Commerce induction. She actually made her minions flank her, because she likes to be surrounded by hot chicks. Mikey continued to try to reach Raquel until the very last moment, but in the end she didn’t show in time to see Mikey receive her recognition plaque. They met up outside, and Mikey was clearly disappointed. Mikey wants a supportive housewife, not a busy career girl. Raquel’s absence at this event signals the beginning of the end for these two. 
Rose and Natalie hosted a crew at their crib for game night. These alcoholic bitches downed drinks like frat boys before breaking into a chant: “SHOW YOUR TITS!” Drinking brings out the bully in Rose, so Natalie complained to a drunk girl in the kitchen who looked like she might projectile vomit at any moment. 
Rose told Natalie to relax and said she was being “catwalk?” Nothing inflames an argument more than telling someone to “relax,” so Natalie retreated to the bedroom as Rose bragged about fucking five girls at a time to her buddy on the patio.
Alyssa tried to talk some sense into Whitney by presenting all her recent shadiness in a concise, linear manner. Alyssa pinned Whitney to the wall and didn’t let her weasel out with excuses and rationalizations. This dose of brutal honesty was exactly what she needed for momentary clarity. Value those who tell you the truth; they are exceedingly rare in a world filled with placatory cowards.
When we met back up with Rose and Natalie, the evening spiraled further into a drunken argument. Natalie called Rose rude, and Rose told Natalie to move out. These two probably made up and fucked that night. It doesn’t make them soul mates, it makes them weak and predictable. Apart from Nikki and Jill, is there a couple on this show that’s got a chance?
The first thing you need to know about The Real L Word is that most of these lesbians are rather late arrivals on the scene. Most came into their sexuality in their twenties. Even Mikey didn’t dine at the Y until college. Whitney is the exception; at nine she put sour cream on her eleven year old friend’s boobs, covered them with Fruity Pebbles and then ate it off — lesbian 9 1/2 weeks Saturday morning cartoon style. 
We begin with dread-locked Whitney, a pune juggler, fetching a couple of SF lezzies Taylor and Sara (pretentiously pronounced Saw-da) from the airport. While pontificating on the differences between NYC, L.A., and San Francisco lesbians, Whitney declared that L.A. lesbians “lack the working hands” of the NYC lesbian.
Next we meet Jill and Nik in matching purples shirts, a type-A preppy lesbian power couple. These two met at summer camp. Nik went out with Jill’s brother way back in the day. The two women reconnected on the camp website and have been together ever since.
Mikey (think West Coast Kelly Cutrone) runs a fashion P.R. firm and enjoys making models cry. Mikey’s in a long-term relationship with Raquel, a hard-working make-up artist.
Tracy a tall, dark, and lanky development exec, popped up at the beach skateboarding. A self-confessed late bloomer, Tracy’s newly involved with Stamie, who is separated from Julie, with whom she co-parents three kids.
America Ferrera doppelganger Rose, a financially successful real estate financier, hit the club with her girls and then reluctantly returned home to her girlfriend, Natalie. She considers herself in the top 1% of lesbians because she looks good, dresses well, has good job, and can show you a good time.
At Fubar, Whitney got stuck in pussy gridlock when Romy, her recent fling, sauntered up to the bar upon which Sara was dancing. In full tear-management mode, Whitney did her best to placate her jilted hook-up without jeopardizing her current one. She adequately finessed the situation and successfully tucked into bed at the end of the evening with Sara.
Jill and Nik are planning their nuptials and spend mornings pouring over wedding-related websites trying to decide between a wedding dress and wedding suit. Nik wants a suit, and doesn’t want to look like twins in white dresses walking down the aisle.
Mikey looked extra stupid when she lost her shit on some inexperienced models sent by a casting agent her own office solicited. When it became evident she didn’t know what the fuck was going on in her own office, she overcompensated by ripping the casting agent a new asshole. She truly is the West Coast Kelly Cutrone.
Whitney educated us on the difference between “pumps” and “pants” within the lesbian lexicon. “Pumps” are the “feminine girls” that “wear high heels,” and “pants know how to swing a hammer and are usually in control.” Good to see the lesbians are working towards dismantling all those limiting stereotypes.
Rose visited her Grandparents’ house and it was refreshing to hear that they embraced her when she came out and seemed to genuinely like her girlfriend Natalie. Natalie wants babies and starting applying pressure in front of Rose’s family. Rose seemed very reluctant, and it became pretty obvious these two ain’t gonna make it.
Whitney’s friends inform her that she harnessed the power of the clam, but she sleeps with women who are looking for relationships. What lesbians aren’t looking for relationships? Stop sleeping with each other so soon. The lack of pregnancy fear entices these girls into the kip. Sluttiness is so tired. I’m no advocate of purity rings, but rushing into sex has become such a predictable cliché.
Episode highlight, Mikey turned to Raquel before bed and said “You can be Jillian Michaels and I’ll be Jackie Warner.” Lesbian workout role play, lovesit. 
Nik and Jill met up with wedding planner Camilla at the Newsroom to hash out event ideas. The two are planning a traditional Jewish ceremony with a sit down dinner. Jill’s jaw hits the floor when Camilla slides the budget across the table. Not sure why they are letting the wedding planner dictate the budget, but my guess for the estimate is $125,000. Nik reassured Jill that it was their wedding day and worth the expense, while Jill reminded Nik that it was a lot of money to spend on just one day. 
At Crown Bar, Whitney, Natalie, Rose, and Tracy and the rest of the sapphic gang mingled. Whitney shamelessly hit on Tracy in front of Sara. Tracy flat out asked Whitney if she and Sara were dating, awkward silence ensued. Sara fled to the bathroom and confessed her jealousy over the attention Whitney was lavishing on Tracy. Eventually, Tracy mentioned her girlfriend, so Whitney cut her losses and returned her attention to Sara in the bathroom stall. 
They took it to the West Hollywood streets where Whitney smoothed things over by spitting some meaningless playa noise that again dropped Sara’s panties, proving low self-esteem transcends all boundaries. 
I’ve been wondering how explicit this program is going to get with it playing on Showtime. The L Word was big on girl-on-girl action, and I’m guessing these girls are going to be contractually obligated to show a little somethin’.
Whitney and Sara head to the airport where they shared an emotional goodbye. Whitney then circled around from departures to arrivals and picked up her very well-timed new piece. Play on playa. Play on. 
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