Tag Archives: Lifetime

FITA: unintentionally horrific

FITA LIFETIMEDid you watch Flowers in the Attic on Lifetime?  What the fuck was that?  The greatest source of dramatic tension in the 2 hour shit show came from Heather Graham’s forehead straining against the forced relaxation of the Botox.  It looked like tiny aliens pulsating beneath her brow.  (I’m just watching the DVR playback and realized that Botox is an actual sponsor, like there’s a Botox commercial running during this program for real.)HEATHER GRAHAM FITAI wanted to love Kiernan Shipka as Cathy, but I didn’t.  I don’t blame her for failing to deliver the type of performance required to emotionally ground the story.  Understandably, It’s hard to bring gravitas to a scene when you are exchanging dialogue with Rollergirl.  And that’s pretty much how Heather played Corrine (and every role of her career), as fucking Rollergirl.  Do they give Razzies for television movies?  Heather Graham’s acting in FITA makes Elizabeth Berkley’s Showgirls performance look like Meryl fucking Streep.  To add insult to bad acting, the movie looked super budget.  The styling was so lazy they didn’t even finish the back of Heather’s hair in some scenes.  We don’t get a clear shot of the twins until 20 minutes in, and then I realized that the little girl who plays Carrie looks like a miniature version of Hatchet-Face from Cry-BabyHATCHET FACEI can’t even get into it with Ellen Burstyn.  I’m just going to leave her in the stairwell screaming.  FITA ELLEN BURSTYN

4 for Friday: Independence. Anniversary. Incest. RAH!

TECH DIFFICULTIESAchieving in areas of natural strength is fantastic, but rather expected.  Accomplishment in the face of self-doubt, however, requires substantially more.  For this reason, success in areas of weakness are my favorite triumphs.  For instance, technical problems cause me great anxiety, but when I solve them on my own I am super tickled.  Besting these little routine challenges reaffirms my confidence, ability, and independence.  Nothing feels better than doing it on your own.  WWII WOMAN WORKSpeaking of doing it on my own, this weekend would have been my ten year anniversary with my ex.  Difficult days.ANNIVERSARY ROSARITOGood thing I have Lifetime’s Flowers in the Attic redux to keep me distracted with incestual overtones on Saturday. FLOWERS IN THE ATTICI don’t care about football.  I don’t know who is playing.  I won’t be watching any games.  I really don’t want to hear anything else about it.  Please enjoy a cheesy bean nacho in my honor and absence.  BARBIE FOOTBALL


Three for Thursday + The Conversation

First, congratulations to Giuliana and Bill, who predictably selected the gestational carrier option in their quest for offspring that shares their genetic material.  Will they include the child in next season of their reality show?  I predict the calculated couple film the whole entire birth, hand-off, and reception.  Just a hunch.  Second, Tyra fired Nigel, Miss J and Mr. Jay!  That’s everybody.  I don’t even watch ANTM anymore, but really what is Top Model without those three? Third, you’re watching Girls right?  I enjoyed Tiny Furniture, and after two episodes of Girls, I think I’m enjoying it too.  I’m cautiously optimistic for the painfully self-aware HBO series.Gonna tune in tonight to watch The Conversation with Amanda de Cadenet?  (Ever seen Fall?  1997 cult classic.  Look into it.  Fun fromage.)  Gwyneth is on the premiere.  The Conversation will be annoyingly pretentious and therefore unmissable.

WTF with Alexis and Jennifer

Along with the rest of the Martha Stewart empire, Whatever with Alexis and Jennifer moved to the Hallmark Channel (go to Lifetime and take a sharp left down Geriatric Lane).

These two have shit the bed.  They abandoned their uptown girl Beavis and Butthead routine in exchange for an hour long interview-heavy format.  The original premise, Alexis and Jen mercilessly mocking Martha, was good.  Why switch to an interview format?  You bitches suck at interviewing people.  Stick with what you do best — talking shit with an air of superiority and condescension.

The most frustrating part?  On the newest incarnation of the MARTHA show, Martha Stewart is in particularly rare form.  Know-it-all Martha condescends (where you think Alexis got it?) ridicules, and insults guests and their expertise five days a week on her talk show.  For instance, when Jeff Leatham was on, she taught him a thing or two about flowers.  Like fine fromage, this bitch just keeps getting better with age.  With this much readily available source material for Whatever Martha!, it is a damn shame Alexis and Jennifer don’t do a MARTHA after show, because truthfully, their new show fucking sucks.  Pull it together ladies, nothing offends like squandered potential.

Babes and Gays

Southern Californians, a little rain and they think the road is going to melt away.  All the panic was unnecessary considering they were rolling in an RV that comfortably sleeps six adults.  Episode Highlight: “I’m hauling Babes and Gays!”Patsy’s house, while plain, was in pretty good shape when they arrived. Tori and the gang only had 36 hours to do their damage, so thankfully they stuck to superficial changes.I fucking love PatsyPatsy is the Yoda of the Oxygen NetworkPatsy and Dean joked, but she knows he’s a douche.  Imagine the tell-all she could write. Too many Queens in the kitchen caused quite the strife once the redecorating commenced.  Dean launched into a personal attack against Tori in front of her friends.  Instead of telling him where to stick it, she took his shit, silently sulked, and then privately complained to Mehran. Tori routinely creates an enormous amount of unnecessary stress by doing everything last minute.  However, Dean was really too invested in the placement of this furniture. He’s been hanging out with the Guncles too long.  He also tried to get all the gays to gang up on Tori.  That’s grounds for termination.  Dean fights like a little bitch.  He and Jill Zarin should get together.In looking at the before and after, they really didn’t do that much except tchotchke the place to death.  Please don’t paint one wall in your kitchen super bright ass red, it isn’t appetizing.  Overall, I was not wowed by any of their decorating decisions, but I guess it was a nice gesture.  Maybe Pasty can put some of that shit up on EBay and recoup some of the cost of her lap band procedure?Now is a good time to underscore my message about children. Liam is a little asshole and he totally fucked up Patsy’s new couch. Tori and Dean negligently allowed him to mangle the new couch by failing to monitor him closely.  Watch your kids or put them away.

Nobody thinks the big messes your little brats make are “cute” especially when you don’t even bother to clean it up.  Back at the “McDermott Baby Farm” (fucking gross), Tori picked a limp-dick fight with Dean over “feeling disconnected.” These two have done way too much couples counseling.  Tori if you’ve got something to say, just fucking say it, you’re Donna Fucking Martin.  What the fuck is Lifetime movie-of-the-week douche Dean gonna do about it?