First, congratulations to Giuliana and Bill, who predictably selected the gestational carrier option in their quest for offspring that shares their genetic material. Will they include the child in next season of their reality show? I predict the calculated couple film the whole entire birth, hand-off, and reception. Just a hunch. 
Second, Tyra fired Nigel, Miss J and Mr. Jay! That’s everybody. I don’t even watch ANTM anymore, but really what is Top Model without those three? 
Third, you’re watching Girls right? I enjoyed Tiny Furniture, and after two episodes of Girls, I think I’m enjoying it too. I’m cautiously optimistic for the painfully self-aware HBO series.
Gonna tune in tonight to watch The Conversation with Amanda de Cadenet? (Ever seen Fall? 1997 cult classic. Look into it. Fun fromage.) Gwyneth is on the premiere. The Conversation will be annoyingly pretentious and therefore unmissable.
The most frustrating part? On the newest incarnation of the MARTHA show, Martha Stewart is in particularly rare form. Know-it-all Martha condescends (where you think Alexis got it?) ridicules, and insults guests and their expertise five days a week on her talk show. For instance, when Jeff Leatham was on, she taught him a thing or two about flowers. Like fine fromage, this bitch just keeps getting better with age. With this much readily available source material for Whatever Martha!, it is a damn shame Alexis and Jennifer don’t do a MARTHA after show, because truthfully, their new show fucking sucks. Pull it together ladies, nothing offends like squandered potential.
Southern Californians, a little rain and they think the road is going to melt away. 
All the panic was unnecessary considering they were rolling in an RV that comfortably sleeps six adults. 
Episode Highlight: “I’m hauling Babes and Gays!”
Patsy’s house, while plain, was in pretty good shape when they arrived. Tori and the gang only had 36 hours to do their damage, so thankfully they stuck to superficial changes.
I fucking love Patsy. Patsy is the Yoda of the Oxygen Network. Patsy and Dean joked, but she knows he’s a douche. Imagine the tell-all she could write. 
Too many Queens in the kitchen caused quite the strife once the redecorating commenced. Dean launched into a personal attack against Tori in front of her friends. Instead of telling him where to stick it, she took his shit, silently sulked, and then privately complained to Mehran. 
Tori routinely creates an enormous amount of unnecessary stress by doing everything last minute. However, Dean was really too invested in the placement of this furniture. 
He’s been hanging out with the Guncles too long. He also tried to get all the gays to gang up on Tori. That’s grounds for termination. Dean fights like a little bitch. He and Jill Zarin should get together.
In looking at the before and after, they really didn’t do that much except tchotchke the place to death. 
Please don’t paint one wall in your kitchen super bright ass red, it isn’t appetizing. Overall, I was not wowed by any of their decorating decisions, but I guess it was a nice gesture. Maybe Pasty can put some of that shit up on EBay and recoup some of the cost of her lap band procedure?
Now is a good time to underscore my message about children. 
Liam is a little asshole and he totally fucked up Patsy’s new couch. 
Tori and Dean negligently allowed him to mangle the new couch by failing to monitor him closely. Watch your kids or put them away.
Nobody thinks the big messes your little brats make are “cute” especially when you don’t even bother to clean it up. 
Back at the “McDermott Baby Farm” (fucking gross), Tori picked a limp-dick fight with Dean over “feeling disconnected.” 
These two have done way too much couples counseling. Tori if you’ve got something to say, just fucking say it, you’re Donna Fucking Martin. What the fuck is Lifetime movie-of-the-week douche Dean gonna do about it?
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