Tag Archives: Lifetime

Dear Tori, I don’t believe you.

(This is an unsolicited letter to Tori Spelling.  It is full of mean-spirited judgment and opinions and shouldn’t be taken seriously.)POOR TORI

Dear Tori,

I’m calling bullshit on you True Tori.  I don’t believe you didn’t know Dean was cheating.  I don’t believe that “Emily Goodhand” is the first and only affair.  If “Emily Goodhand” indeed exists, she’s obviously been paid for her contractually obligated silence.  I suspect there’s been a series of Goodhands in Dean’s pants.TORI DEAN THERAPY

You boo-fucking-hoo in therapy about wanting Dean to nurture you like a baby.  You’re a big girl.  You’re just unaccustomed to difficult times because your whole life has been cushioned by money and fame.  If I had to deal with your needy princess attitude, I would cheat on you too.  Where did you get the misguided notion that you are entitled to a fairy tale when you stole another woman’s husband?  He’s a cheater.  You’re a cheater.  Since you’re both morally lax filthy homewreckers, the demise of your ill-conceived relationship is a surprise to no one (least of all your cast aside ex-spouses).TRUE TORI UGLY CRY

Mrs. McDermott, you claim you can’t express anger.  Please, it’s obvious you are expressing your anger by forcing Dean to participate in a public flogging.  You just didn’t suspect the self-righteous masses to throw a few rotten tomatoes at your hypocritical ass too.  No one buys your poor, poor, Tori reality show narrative arc.  You are not a victim.  You made a series of selfish and immature decisions that have landed you in a shitbox.  You are the architect of your own misfortune.TRUE TORI KITCHEN FIGHT

Tori, I don’t believe you really had a migraine.  Photo-phobia is a common symptom for migraine suffers.  When I have a migraine, the room must be pitchblack.  You were basking in your hospital bed in full makeup with natural light pouring in from the windows in addition to the Lifetime camera crew’s bright-ass lighting rig.  The tide of public opinion has turned so strongly against you that I’m accusing you of scraping the bottom of the pity ploy barrel with a faked health crisis.  As an added bonus, the migraine spell conveniently forced Dean to nurture you like a baby.TORI HOSPITAL

With regard to your parenting, you should be ashamed.  Your own narcissistic desire for fame has clearly usurped the part of your brain and soul that houses your common sense, compassion, self-respect, and maternal instinct.  What kind of mother sells her divorce story despite the damage it will cause her offspring?  Those kids know everything, TRUST.  Thanks to Mom, now the whole mess is saved for posterity in the form of a low-rated Lifetime reality show.DEAN AND HATTIE

As for the future, Dean’s an opportunist.  I don’t think he’s ever cared about anyone but himself.  He isn’t going to change.  He’s not a good actor even when he’s trying to feign contrition to save his own ass.  If you stay together, he will continue to cheat.  If you don’t, you’ll be a divorced mom with 4 kids paying alimony to a cheating ex who’s out banging chicks.DEAN MCDERMOTT CHICKSAs my Mother told me often as a child: life is not fair.  People have suffered far greater tragedies than this.  You’ll survive.  Even though you are acting like a pathetic fool, we still all want the best for you.  Donna Martin Graduates!DONNA MARTIN GRADUATES

With ♥ even though I’m mean,


p.s. that heart sweater is utterly heinous.TORI HEART SWEATER FUG


True Tori

TRUE TORIPlease tell me you watched the premiere of True Tori on Lifetime last night.  It was everything.  True Tori proves there are no bounds to Spelling’s self-delusion.  First, we’re all supposed to pretend this is the only time Dean’s cheated.  Tori honey, Dean cheated with you, and he’s been cheating on you.  He’s a big fat cheater.  Yesterday.  Today.  Tomorrow.  Does anyone honestly believe this was an isolated incident?  Dean strikes me as a guy who is as indiscriminately unfaithful as his opportunities.DEAN MCDERMOTTTori had the audacity to say, “Don’t feel sorry for me.”  Oh don’t worry; we don’t.  She complained about raising 4 kids on her own.  Do you think she thought about Dean’s then-wife Mary raising their 2 kids alone when Spelling went husband-snatching on the set of her sad little Lifetime movie 7 years ago?  I suspect not.  In a pathetic ploy to garner undeserved audience sympathy, Spelling shamelessly plays put-upon mommy despite my hunch that she has a fleet of nannies hovering conveniently out of frame to provide behind the scenes support while Deano’s trolls the inpatient ward for his latest conquest. DEAN MARY JOTori and Lindsay must have graduated from the same learning annex course on self-exploitation through bad reality programming.  Both celebrities offer up publicist-curated versions of their mundane lives sprinkled generously with oversharing of their most private personal dramas – all whilst complaining about the constant paparazzi swarm who keep them on the covers of tabloids.  Happy to whore themselves out to a reality show camera crew for personal monetary gain, these bitches clutch their pearls in outrage should anyone else profit off the insatiable interest in their misfortune.  These two skinny bitches must have discovered hypocrisy burns more calories than Adderall.STAR TORI DIVORCE


FITA: unintentionally horrific

FITA LIFETIMEDid you watch Flowers in the Attic on Lifetime?  What the fuck was that?  The greatest source of dramatic tension in the 2 hour shit show came from Heather Graham’s forehead straining against the forced relaxation of the Botox.  It looked like tiny aliens pulsating beneath her brow.  (I’m just watching the DVR playback and realized that Botox is an actual sponsor, like there’s a Botox commercial running during this program for real.)HEATHER GRAHAM FITAI wanted to love Kiernan Shipka as Cathy, but I didn’t.  I don’t blame her for failing to deliver the type of performance required to emotionally ground the story.  Understandably, It’s hard to bring gravitas to a scene when you are exchanging dialogue with Rollergirl.  And that’s pretty much how Heather played Corrine (and every role of her career), as fucking Rollergirl.  Do they give Razzies for television movies?  Heather Graham’s acting in FITA makes Elizabeth Berkley’s Showgirls performance look like Meryl fucking Streep.  To add insult to bad acting, the movie looked super budget.  The styling was so lazy they didn’t even finish the back of Heather’s hair in some scenes.  We don’t get a clear shot of the twins until 20 minutes in, and then I realized that the little girl who plays Carrie looks like a miniature version of Hatchet-Face from Cry-BabyHATCHET FACEI can’t even get into it with Ellen Burstyn.  I’m just going to leave her in the stairwell screaming.  FITA ELLEN BURSTYN

4 for Friday: Independence. Anniversary. Incest. RAH!

TECH DIFFICULTIESAchieving in areas of natural strength is fantastic, but rather expected.  Accomplishment in the face of self-doubt, however, requires substantially more.  For this reason, success in areas of weakness are my favorite triumphs.  For instance, technical problems cause me great anxiety, but when I solve them on my own I am super tickled.  Besting these little routine challenges reaffirms my confidence, ability, and independence.  Nothing feels better than doing it on your own.  WWII WOMAN WORKSpeaking of doing it on my own, this weekend would have been my ten year anniversary with my ex.  Difficult days.ANNIVERSARY ROSARITOGood thing I have Lifetime’s Flowers in the Attic redux to keep me distracted with incestual overtones on Saturday. FLOWERS IN THE ATTICI don’t care about football.  I don’t know who is playing.  I won’t be watching any games.  I really don’t want to hear anything else about it.  Please enjoy a cheesy bean nacho in my honor and absence.  BARBIE FOOTBALL


Three for Thursday + The Conversation

First, congratulations to Giuliana and Bill, who predictably selected the gestational carrier option in their quest for offspring that shares their genetic material.  Will they include the child in next season of their reality show?  I predict the calculated couple film the whole entire birth, hand-off, and reception.  Just a hunch.  Second, Tyra fired Nigel, Miss J and Mr. Jay!  That’s everybody.  I don’t even watch ANTM anymore, but really what is Top Model without those three? Third, you’re watching Girls right?  I enjoyed Tiny Furniture, and after two episodes of Girls, I think I’m enjoying it too.  I’m cautiously optimistic for the painfully self-aware HBO series.Gonna tune in tonight to watch The Conversation with Amanda de Cadenet?  (Ever seen Fall?  1997 cult classic.  Look into it.  Fun fromage.)  Gwyneth is on the premiere.  The Conversation will be annoyingly pretentious and therefore unmissable.

WTF with Alexis and Jennifer

Along with the rest of the Martha Stewart empire, Whatever with Alexis and Jennifer moved to the Hallmark Channel (go to Lifetime and take a sharp left down Geriatric Lane).

These two have shit the bed.  They abandoned their uptown girl Beavis and Butthead routine in exchange for an hour long interview-heavy format.  The original premise, Alexis and Jen mercilessly mocking Martha, was good.  Why switch to an interview format?  You bitches suck at interviewing people.  Stick with what you do best — talking shit with an air of superiority and condescension.

The most frustrating part?  On the newest incarnation of the MARTHA show, Martha Stewart is in particularly rare form.  Know-it-all Martha condescends (where you think Alexis got it?) ridicules, and insults guests and their expertise five days a week on her talk show.  For instance, when Jeff Leatham was on, she taught him a thing or two about flowers.  Like fine fromage, this bitch just keeps getting better with age.  With this much readily available source material for Whatever Martha!, it is a damn shame Alexis and Jennifer don’t do a MARTHA after show, because truthfully, their new show fucking sucks.  Pull it together ladies, nothing offends like squandered potential.

Babes and Gays

Southern Californians, a little rain and they think the road is going to melt away.  All the panic was unnecessary considering they were rolling in an RV that comfortably sleeps six adults.  Episode Highlight: “I’m hauling Babes and Gays!”Patsy’s house, while plain, was in pretty good shape when they arrived. Tori and the gang only had 36 hours to do their damage, so thankfully they stuck to superficial changes.I fucking love PatsyPatsy is the Yoda of the Oxygen NetworkPatsy and Dean joked, but she knows he’s a douche.  Imagine the tell-all she could write. Too many Queens in the kitchen caused quite the strife once the redecorating commenced.  Dean launched into a personal attack against Tori in front of her friends.  Instead of telling him where to stick it, she took his shit, silently sulked, and then privately complained to Mehran. Tori routinely creates an enormous amount of unnecessary stress by doing everything last minute.  However, Dean was really too invested in the placement of this furniture. He’s been hanging out with the Guncles too long.  He also tried to get all the gays to gang up on Tori.  That’s grounds for termination.  Dean fights like a little bitch.  He and Jill Zarin should get together.In looking at the before and after, they really didn’t do that much except tchotchke the place to death.  Please don’t paint one wall in your kitchen super bright ass red, it isn’t appetizing.  Overall, I was not wowed by any of their decorating decisions, but I guess it was a nice gesture.  Maybe Pasty can put some of that shit up on EBay and recoup some of the cost of her lap band procedure?Now is a good time to underscore my message about children. Liam is a little asshole and he totally fucked up Patsy’s new couch. Tori and Dean negligently allowed him to mangle the new couch by failing to monitor him closely.  Watch your kids or put them away.

Nobody thinks the big messes your little brats make are “cute” especially when you don’t even bother to clean it up.  Back at the “McDermott Baby Farm” (fucking gross), Tori picked a limp-dick fight with Dean over “feeling disconnected.” These two have done way too much couples counseling.  Tori if you’ve got something to say, just fucking say it, you’re Donna Fucking Martin.  What the fuck is Lifetime movie-of-the-week douche Dean gonna do about it?