Tag Archives: Lindsay Lohan

You don’t need…

LAXATIVEYou don’t need a laxative; eat more berries. BERRIES

You don’t need to leave your husband and kids for a lesbian 20 years your junior; acknowledge you’re having mid-life crisis.

MIDLIFE CRISISYou don’t need an electronic cigarette; you need a vape pen. VAPE PEN

You don’t need to feel like you’re missing out if you aren’t watching Lindsay; it’s boring as fuck.

LINDSAY BORING

Did You Watch Lindsay??!

LINDSAY LOHAN OWNLet me summarize.  According to Lindsay, every aspect of her life is a potential danger to her sobriety.  Promoting a movie overseas?  Too risky.  Leaving the hotel room?  Too many photographers.  She doesn’t seem to realize that total imprisonment with a sober coach would make anybody want to use.  Mostly the program consists of Lindsay painstakingly sorting her clothing and jewelry in different venues.  Watching her try to match earrings is like watching a crackhead play Concentration.  The “docu series” manages a peculiar blend of messy and mundanely boring. LINDSAY LOHAN SORTS JEWELRY

Sunday with Mom

Sunday with Salma Hayek

Sunday with Donna Karan

Enough Herve

I’ve been trolling around for some ferocious looks for a wedding rolling up this Labor Day weekend and can’t believe the stale inventory at many boutiques.  After a few years of ubiquity, can we give the Herve Leger a rest please?  Holy fucking bandage dress enough is enough.Hardcore body-con has been over for quite awhile.  Even skanks who wore this look two years ago donned it two years too late since this shit hasn’t looked fresh since before oh-eight.  Let’s move on from the shrink wrapped look to something a little less obvious and desperate.  Hate to break it, but as you can see, the silhouette is not as forgiving or wearable as many girls would like to believe.Courtesy of Max Azria, Leger’s one trick pony has pranced up and down the runway with slight variations for several seasons.  Is that all you got Herve?  I’m sick of the same old tired tea.  Give me something fresh please.Seriously, this glorified spanx shit is so boring.  I know I’m not the first to raise this objection, but this dress keeps coming back.  Please don’t; promise you won’t.

RHNY: deformed

LuAnn and Sonja met up for lunch and pretended to just stumble upon the idea of a girls trip to Morocco that was so obviously planned and underwritten by BravoSonja and LuAnn divided the duty of extending invitations to the other Housewives.  In the course of the conversations that followed about Morocco, here are a few ignorant gems that passed the ladies’ lips.“It’s like going to Paris.  I mean Paris it’s not, but it’s a very sophisticated city.”  (LuAnn claims to have visited Morocco several times; you’d think she’d know it was a country, not a city.)“I’m a little concerned.  It’s a third world country.  They don’t respect women.  I love my family.  I don’t want to go away and end up not coming back.”  Fear not Ramona, the Kingdom of Morocco will not hesitate to return you.Even though they don’t serve Pinot Grigio, Ramona met up with LuAnn at Alice’s Teacup.  The Cuntess laid into Ramona over shit that didn’t concern her.  This offensive tactic sent Ramona spinning down a defensive dark rabbit hole.Lady Morgan allegedly landed a toaster oven cookbook deal?  The promotional photo shoot took place at her musty townhouse.  Kelly stopped by to add her editorial viewpoint, lest we forget about her reign at Elle AccessoriesBensimon got more than she bargain for when Sonja “accidentally” flashed her cooch while writhing about on her dining room table like Tawny Kitaen on the hood of the car in the Whitesnake video.The cliques split for two totally different spa trips.  Barshop, still trying to buy her way in, bankrolled a trip to the ultra swank Canyon Ranch for Kelly, Jill, and LuAnn.  To add a layer of cream cheese frosting to the already over the top gesture, embroidered robes awaited the ladies upon arrival.  Jill couldn’t wait to open her present and did so in the lobby.The Cuntess responded by pretentiously snipping, “Really darling, I mean never open a gift in the middle of a hotel lobby.”While Canyon Ranch offered drum circles and massages, Ramona hosted a different kind of spa visit back in NYC at Dr. Giese’s office.  Rudemona summed up her intention with this zinger: “…if you know something great, share it, so I invited both Sonja and Alex to come with me… Let’s face it, they could use a few touch ups.” Alex got dermaplaning (Ed note: this interests me), Sonja got VelaShape, and Ramona got a neck full of Botox. Without a hint of irony, the ladies all met up for an anti-bullying rally that Jill hosted.  Ramona brought a case of her eponymous Pinot Grigio that was supposed to be for auction, but upon arrival she shouted at multiple members of the wait staff to crack it open and bring her a glass immediately.Once the Cuntess arrived in a flutter of self-complimentary praise, it was immediately on between her and Ramona over David Meister of all things.  Holy fuck this show is D-List, this shit is way more D-List than Kathy Griffin ever was, right?  The Cuntess has her twat in a knot because Ramona blacklisted her at MeisterRamona admitted she’d laid exclusive claim to wearing the rich woman’s Jessica McClintock, and LuAnn called the move “bitchy.”  It’s no mystery why LuAnn’s drifting from Ungaro; since the Lindsay debacle things at the fashion house still haven’t recovered.Under the guise of concern, the ladies gossiped through the runway show about Ramona’s excessive day drinking.  During an emotional speech by Jill’s stepdaughter, Ramona rattled around in the background trying to procure more of her precious wine for herself the table.  When Jill went to investigate the ruckus, Ramona slurred another character-consistent misspeak by describing Jill’s stepdaughter as “deformed.”  Minutes later she snapped at the designer’s daughter to clear empty glasses before Alex scurried over in damage control mode.Next week we’ll learn whether Ramona smuggled a few cases of Pinot to Morocco, or if she tried to white knuckle through the forced, tension-filled, faux-fun girls trip.

Sunday with Santa

Terry Richardson: Pervy Fashion Favorite