Tag Archives: Lisa

Giving Granola

Think occasionally of the suffering of which you spare yourself the sight.

 - Albert SchweitzerHOMELESS HELP

For many years, I have struggled with how to respond to people standing on medians and corners waiving signs for money.  My knee-jerk response is at first sympathy, followed up immediately with a wallop of shame for my own abundance.  To talk myself out of doing something generous and to assauge my own guilt, I told myself that these desperate people were scammers or presumed how they might use any spare change I might give.  These excuses have never really sat quite right when deep down I knew I was just selfishly ignoring the obvious suffering of others.  BAD HEART GOD BLESSI consulted with my good friend Lisa, who has virtually single-handedly reformed syringe access legislation in Colorado (to support Lisa’s good work please visit and donate to the www.harmreductionactioncenter.org).  Lisa spends a significant amount of time involved with outreach, much of which involves contact with the homeless.  She’ll tell you stories that will crack your heart in two.  Seeing as I can’t afford to place cash to every outreached hand, I asked Lisa if she thought it would be appropriate to share food – granola bars – or something similarly individually pre-packaged – with those in need.  She concurred that from her experience with the community, this gesture would be welcomed and not ridiculed.    NEED HELPWouldn’t you know that just a day later, a rep for Kind Snacks stopped by my work and dropped off a few boxes of granola bars.  So technically, I was supposed to share the swag with my co-workers, but those bitches eat enough fucking granola, so I stashed the snacks in my car with the intention of distributing them to those lonely median-dwellers.  KIND BARSI’ve given out a few bars to different folks and the snacks are met with delight.  Yesterday, I gave a bar to a girl standing in the cold by an exit off-ramp.  The next day, at the same exit, in the same bitter cold, was the same girl.  I held another bar out the window.  She walked up to the car and took it from my hand.  HOMELESS HELP APPRECIATED

She lit up, “Thank you!  Did you give me one of these yesterday?”  

“Yes” I smiled back.

She looked at the bar in her hand, “These are good!  I was so hungry yesterday and I’m so hungry now.  Thank you so much.”

“I’m so glad you like them.” I choked back through a broken heart.

With this small exchange came total confirmation, and then the light turned green.  BIEBER GIVES

 

Weirdest Wedding

 

PEAR TITSI attended the weirdest wedding this weekend.  I don’t know the couple very well, but they seemed hopelessly in love and I sincerely wish them a lifetime of happiness.  That said, they made some truly bizarre aesthetic and organizational choices that I must share with you.  I think it goes without saying that aesthetic opinions are not personal and the following judgmental bitchiness is merely recreational.  We all understand that ultimately it makes no difference what I think as long as the couple enjoyed their blessed day.  With that prologue behind us, let’s get to dissecting every poorly chosen detail.CUTOFFSThe ceremony was held at a large suburban church at 3 pm.  Our presence was requested at a quarter till and we arrived promptly on time.  Tardiness to weddings or funerals is absolutely unacceptable.  As we initially entered, folks were gathered around.  There were no greeters per se, but a guy shouted out us from across the room “to sign in over there.”  We walked up to a table where a number of mirrors were spread out on a table and a chick wearing fairy wings thrust a martini glass full of sharpies at us and ordered us to sign.  Uhhh, anybody got an eightball?  The only time I see mirrors arranged horizontally is when I’m railing lines off the top.  Shit, if it’s going to be that kind of a party I’m gonna stick my dick in the mashed potatoes.MIRROR GUEST BOOKSA few young women handed out thick (50+page) programs bound with glossy covers complete with photos of the couple.  A basket of mini namesake pencils sat on the table.  Only when we were ushered inside and seated did I start flipping through the program and realize that in addition to photos, memories, and the story of how the couple met, there were a number of mazes, word games, and trivia to play in the back of the program.  Was the couple planning for us to have a lot of down time in the coming hours?GREGORIANThe couple selected Gregorian chants for their pre-ceremony music.  Let’s celebrate our love listening to druids moan.  This was just the beginning of a number of ill-advised decisions the couple made in the realm of auditory accompaniment.   When it was time for the processional, each set of bridesmaid and groomsman werked their own theme song for their aisle walk.  That’s 5 different 30 second snippets of seemingly unrelated music played jarringly back-to-back.  The milky twilight song was involved folks.  The bride walked down the aisle to Hard to Concentrate by the Chili Peppers.  Nothing like getting serenaded by the Keanu Reeves of rock music on your wedding day.  G-sus.  Look, I get it, not everybody loves Brahms, but the music should be as classic and enduring as you hope the relationship to be.  If you must include the Chili Peppers, why not have a friend play an acoustic version on the guitar?  I can almost guarantee Grandma won’t adequately appreciate a Frusciante guitar solo in the Lutheran church ya’ll.FAIRY BRIDESMAIDSYou are dying to know about the bridesmaids’ dresses, right?  Bright Green.  Sateen.  Mini.  Bustled.  Flip-flops.  Fairy wings.  Truly Hateful.  The wedding dress reflected a similar level of discernment: white, sateen, gathered, sequined, fit-and-flare, topped with a tiara.  That’s my best effort at diplomacy people.BRIDE The ceremony itself was an unusual mix of super traditional Christian elements (The Lord’s Prayer, Unity Candle, Bible readings) and pagan imagery (plastic butterflies and fake flower arches).  The two exchanged hand-written vows.  The ceremony should culminate in a loving kiss, but instead the bride initiated a smooch and the groom reciprocated two lousy dry pecks in return.  I don’t need tongue or anything, but it was a dispassionate, disappointing, inexcusably limpdick showing.SMOOCHThe ceremony suffered from a number of guest disruptions.  I have never seen so many tiny babies at a wedding.  There were at least 3 infants and two were newborns.  Naturally, one cried throughout the ceremony and could be heard wailing from the gathering space outside.  Also in attendance was a teenage boy who I can only guess suffered from autism.  He had violent, loud, and aggressive outbursts which his weary parents repeatedly tried to contain.  A cell phone rang.  One dude wore shorts, a tank top, and flip-flops.  I am not kidding.WEAR SHOESThe ceremony concluded by 3:45 pm and the reception hosted by a nearby chain hotel didn’t start until 5 pm.  Now I understand the dense program and the monogrammed golf pencils.  Kill time doing a word search bitch.MAZESAfter dicking around for awhile in the car, we arrived at the reception starving and thirsty.  Channeled into a narrow hotel corridor outside the banquet room, guests were forced to precariously balance drinks, plates, and purses while standing awkwardly in the hall.  Hors d’oeuvres consisted of crudites and cheese & crackers.  Drinks, including non-alcoholic beverages, were available only by cash bar.  Did you hear me Lisa?  Nobody hates a cash bar like my friend Lisa.  That means my Diet Coke was $3 plus tip.  And the bartender was a complete cunt despite my charming demeanor.  Most of the guests hit up the lobby Starbucks and walked around with plastic cups with protruding green straws.  I just couldn’t bring myself to travel that far into tacky town.CENTERPIECE STARBUXWe snacked on the meager offerings and sipped our diminutive sodas.  Then we waited for what seemed like an eternity for the doors to open to the banquet hall – which they finally did – nearly an hour late.  Nothing like the sense of urgency of the listless underpaid staff at a chain hotel.  We located our table and sat down to our plastic butterfly martini glass centerpiece.  I surveyed the room and realized it was damn near a third empty.  Did that many guests RSVP and not show up I wondered?  (Leah Love asked you bitches to RSVP)  Most of the tables had empty chairs and there were some tables that were MORE empty than not.  It was the strangest thing and the explanation behind the soft turnout remained a mystery all night.  Empty chairs at the ceremony or reception simply cannot happen.CAM00060We sat with a fun, but cartoonishly odd, off-color couple from Canada along with his equally kooky sister and her Donn Gunvalsonesqe husband.  The slutty underage nieces kept coming over and pressing their nubile young titties on the toothy Uncle’s temples in exchange for shots of Jäger.  The whole scene nearly made me chunder my surprisingly delicious specially-plated vegetarian loaf.  A little tip from me to you: request vegan at weddings and often you’ll get your own specially prepared plate which allows you to bypass the buffet entirely (or barffet as we affectionately refer to it here at DC).  Later, the fortiesish wife of the handsy Uncle reappeared after a lengthy absence attired in one of the heinous Kermit-green bridesmaid dresses.  I have no idea who she shanked to get it or why.  Weirdest wedding ever.VEGGIE LOAFThe couple had a cute photo booth with funny hats and whatnot.  Everyone seemed to enjoy taking a cute souvenir picture.PHOTO BOOTHDuring dinner, the weary parents let the teenage autistic kid sit in the middle of the dance floor growling and yanking on a rubber cobra.  It was odd and distracting.  I sympathize with the entire situation.  Though perhaps the expectation that this severely disabled young man could endure a lengthy reception without causing serious disruption was somewhat unrealistic.KIDNAPPINGThe couple participated in a rather desperate and tasteless cash grab stunt involving the kidnapping and ransoming of the bride.  Cash was demanded for her return.  Cash was counted aloud.  More cash was requested.  Sorry guys, I spent all my cash at the bar on this watered-down well Scotch.CAM00071The wedding cake was a waxy chocolate with vaguely raspberry-flavored filling.  It was not delicious, but regardless of expense, wedding cake rarely is.RAINBOW CAKEThe bride and groom danced their first dance to a reworking of The Postal Service’sSuch Great Heights.”  It started slow and ended ska.  Embarrassingly, during the ska part the groom actually skanked around the dance floor.  The autistic kid had to be forcibly restrained and frankly I understood why.  It was all I could do to restrain myself.ACDJWhen the Brian-Johnson-from-AC/DC-resembling lesbian DJ started spinning top forty hits of the 80′s and 90′s and the white people started dancing, we decided to Walk Like an Egyptian right out the door while some of our dignity remained intact.DONUT DRESSBest wishes to the bride and groom.  Thank you for including me in your fairy tale day.  May your Mexican honeymoon be free of faucet ass and cartel kidnappings.MEXICAN KIDNAPPING

first fire

I woke up this morning to the unmistakable chill of fall nipping at my buns as I peeled myself outta bed.  Time to build the first fire of the season.  At the yoga conference I attended this weekend, I sat in splendid pure nature and watched some douche light up a chemical gel packet to start the campfire.  WEAK SAUCE. One of the many pearls of wisdom we all learned from Troop Beverly Hills is that any good Scout can start a fire without stooping to chemical enhancement.  

Here’s h0w I like to catch a fire…

What you must know right from the start is that fire needs to be wooed, romanced, and coaxed into ignition.  My good friend Lisa and I lived in the mountains together many moons ago.  I would get home from work and she’d be shivering on the sofa under a blanket.  She would meekly point to the struggling embers, evidence of her best effort, and say “I’m cold.”  Fire-making is an art that requires patience and respect for the process.  Feed it too little and it will starve.  Feed it too much and it will collapse under its own weight. 

First gather your materials.  I like shredded paper – why not get rid of it this way?  Just keep the glossies out; they release toxic chemicals when burned.  Kindling is key.  You need a lot of little dry sticks, scrap wood, and dry pine cones.  Think small and plentiful when it comes to kindling.  You need to build up the heat of the fire before you throw on a big log. Get your logs arranged from small to big and into soft and hard woods.  The hard woods will take longer to ignite, but burn longer.  Save them until the fire is really hot.

Make a loose pile of paper or shreddings; make sure air can permeate the stack.  If you use newspaper, wad it up into tight balls and place them close together in the center of the fireplace.  Find your smallest and driest kindling pieces and gently arrange them in a tee-pee shape around the paper creating a cone. 

Place the larger pieces of wood to the far outside edge of the inside of the fireplace.  These aren’t for burning now, but by lining the edge of the fireplace the wood gets warm and ready to burn when it is time to add it to the fire.

Light the paper with long matches, a lighter, or aim & flame.  Get out of the way.  Don’t burn yourself.  Wear fire safe gloves to be safe.  Watch the fire.  Coax the fire.  Woo the fire.  Tend the fire.

Gradually add larger pieces of kindling until a roaring flame erupts.  Allow the fire to breathe.  If you are creating your flame magic in a wood burning stove, close the door and let the heat build.  If you are in a fireplace, don’t over-poke the fire.  You constant pokers know who you are. 

When the fire is ready for more, usually one of the edges of those larger pieces begins to catch.  Use your fireplace tools – pokers here is your moment – to shift the larger logs to the center of the fire.  No plopping and one at a time!  Adding too much too fast can douse your fire faster than a hose. 

Remember fireplaces and campfires shouldn’t be left unattended.  If you light the fire you make sure the fire is responsibly extinguished.  Don’t be burning the forest down bitches. 

Now go forth and impress with your fire making.  Mercilessly mock those who require starter logs and chemical accelerators.  When the zombie apocalypse happens, thanks to this post and Bear Grylls, you’ll be ready.   

 

extra soft

Last week when my friend Lisa came over to go through my giveaways she commented that my cast-offs where always “especially soft.”I do enjoy extra soft textiles, and I achieve the broken-in feel with a double helping of softener.  Going against tradition, I add the liquid softener with the detergent and booster while the washer is filling.  I always start with a little bit of hot water in the load to help dissolve the soap and dilute the softener.  I don’t ever use the separate softener channel which usually just gunks up over time. 

In addition to liquid softener in the wash, I add dryer sheets to the tumble.  Double softness = double happiness.  Don’t you want to be known for your especially soft clothes, sheets, and towels? 

On the Pole

So my girl Lisa and I went to pole dancing class last night: fully clothed, women only.  We didn’t know the damn difference either way, but in this particular class, the pole spun.  Apparently a little screw lives in the bottom and if you take it out the pole spins, and holy crotch-shot does that muthafucker spin fast?!We arrived a little early and signed our lives away in a questionably enforceable release form.  A class was finishing up before ours and the waiting area looks on to the dance floor, so we watched to see what to expect – booty shorts, leg warmers, and bedhead is what we got, in case you were wondering.The instructor introduced herself and gave a vague introductory spiel which could pretty much be summed up with these closing words of wisdom: “If you aren’t comfortable with sexy, go for graceful.”The class began with a weird wall warm up where we placed our shoulders against the wall, ass away from the wall, students in a line, staring at the mirror.  Cue a series of hip gyrating, sexy wall sits and body rolls.  Awkward.  We giggled our way through and couldn’t really muster the sexy self-thigh touching urged by the teacher.  From the wall we moved to the floor starting on all fours and moving through some rounding and arching of the spine, rib cage rolls, and booty pops topped off with frequent encouragement to whip our hair.  I didn’t watch the clock, but I’d guess we did about 20 minutes of floor work total, including abs.  The instructor let out random “whoots” and “you’re sexy!”Next the instructor broke us into groups 1) über beginners (us) + 2 others, 2) 3-4 intermediates, and 3) 2-3 more advanced.  Each group gathered around one pole in the front row.  There were other poles unavailable in the back row that were unused, but for some reason we grouped up and shared.  Not a plus in my opinion because who wants an audience when you are new at something and suck?  Let me endure my humiliation in semi-private with my own pole in the back row.  But alas it was not to be. The Pole Professor gave each group a move to work on; ours was the most basic, the fireman.  We took turns giving it a whirl.  It is a standard move, you’ve all seen it.  Walk around, twirl, you get it.  The pole spins though, so you start going and at first you don’t know how to slow down.  Think merry-go-round on meth.One girl in the group, we’ll call her the ringer, obviously had quite a pole dancing history and broke out a series of advanced moves.  Bitch this is the beginner group; go play with the intermediates.We clapped for one another, but Lisa and my expressions on the pole read more “clinging for life” than seductive.  The ringer had on short-shorts and showed a substantial slice of cooch splaying her legs like a profesh pole paper chaser.The standing around waiting for a turn pretty much plummeted any sort of physical fitness benefits.  It would have been nice if they had played music so we could dance in between.  The workout itself wasn’t very challenging.  The pole dancing does require specific strengths, and I’m sure we’ll be sore, but how much of that is from whipping our heads around like Tawny Kitaen?I don’t regret going, but I’m not sure I’m dying to perfect the art of pole dancing.  For what?  I’m not hitting amateur night.  I’d sooner die than install a pole in my home, so the potential for growth is rather limited.That said, I’d go again if another friend wanted to check it out.  After another several sessions, I might be able to do a trick or two.  But you will never catch my ass in a booty short.And on that note, the bodies of the instructors were decent, but not spectacular, which gives the impression that pole dancing isn’t going to provide miraculous changes in body shape.In sum, like most things in life pole dancing is worth a go at least once.  Would I add it to my regular work out regime?  No?  Do I think some of the moves are potentially dangerous – like the whipping of the head and neck?  Yes.Ultimately this pole-dancing fitness craze is worth a try, but it is not an ideal long term fitness plan.  Sprinkle it in like you do visits to the strip club – sparingly and not without some shame.