Tag Archives: Lucille Ball

March 2015 Horoscopes

Pisces

PISCES
Happy Birthday Pisces!  It’s your turn to dance with the Sun in March, and the warm embrace couldn’t come a moment sooner as far as you’re concerned.  You already understand your capacity for visionary dreams, but execution isn’t your strength.  The universe provides Pisces that added kick of power in March to actually effectuate on those lofty ambitions.  Even during this auspicious time, a bitch fight between Pluto and Uranus bleeds aggravation and tension into mid-March like an unwelcome crampy period.  The lesson for you Little Fish is how to not give a fuck about what other people think or let their opinions navigate your swim.  Instinctively, you know the right way.  Don’t let the crushing pressure of conformity dim your creativity or cause you to compromise your true values.

Aries

ARIES
With the Sun in Pisces, the universe wants you to rest now, Aries, and you are happy to oblige.  Blame it on the long, cold, winter.  Sift through the past twelve months for unresolved anguish.  Give yourself the gift of dissolving that angst before we move into your time to shine later this month and into the next.  Doing so will provide you the clarity you need to determine your next major leap.  If you can afford it, hire someone to tidy your home.  You’ll feel so much better in an organized space, but you won’t have the time or inclination to do it yourself this March.  The acrimony between Uranus and Pluto influences your feelings about authority this month.  If someone is making you his little bitch, it’s because you are letting him.

Taurus

TAURUS
Your theme this March is teamwork, Taurus.  The Sun activates collaborative energy and adds a buzzy quality to your social and professional interactions.  March is a get-shit-done month for you, Taurus, during which you demonstrate your efficiency, effectiveness, and most valuable qualities.  Your best day for self-confidence is March 5th.  When you feel good about yourself others notice, so don’t be surprised if a little recognition or flirtation gravitates your way.  The challenge for March is Pluto and Uranus at odds.  This conflicting energy calls into question your coping mechanism, which let’s be honest is just a euphemism for addiction.  Take responsibility.  Virtually nothing is in our control, Taurus, and accepting this precariousness is your ongoing challenge.

Gemini

GEMINI
Greetings Gemini, with the Sun in Pisces your focus in March is on how your career trajectory may or may not support your long-term ambitions.  Your ongoing resistance to change is a major source of frustration for you.  Gemini’s most fortuitous day this month is March 3rd.  March 5th is the best day to spend with your family tidying and nesting at home.  With regard to relationships, Gemini’s bound for a breakthrough or a break-up.  As for the Pluto/Uranus standoff, over the last few years you’ve been tied down and totally free.  Your emotional extremes have wrecked havoc on your relationships and financial stability.  A reckoning comes with Saturn’s retrograde when you realize just how disconnected you’ve become from the people who truly matter.

Cancer

CANCER
These last months have forced you to face some hard truths, Cancer.  Whether it’s loss, change, or disappointment, you’ve been a little melancholy over the finality of life’s harder lessons.  March brings a renewed optimism about what is possible with the resources available to you.  As you get over what you don’t have, you better appreciate your own abundance.  The first week of March brings an answer you’ve been waiting for.  Spend the 5th with your sibling.  On the 16th, the percolating tension between your personal life and your professional life simmers over into a mess.  You’ll be scrubbing off the residue for the rest of the month.  Saturn’s retrograde will make it impossible to ignore your ongoing health issues.

Leo

LEO

March proves more low-key for Leo.  Snugging up at home with your sweetie and waiting it out for spring sounds pretty good to most Lions this time year.  Your best career day falls on March 5th when a bonus, raise, or recognition is likely.  Pluto and Uranus call you out on your bullshit this month.  Any hyperbole on your part will be met with a cold splash of reality.  Don’t exaggerate on what you can deliver.  March is a good month to talk less and relax.  Do only the essential; contribute what is required.  Save your energy and resources for a time when you can navigate matters with more grace and efficiency, Leo.

Virgo

VIRGO
The light shines on your relationships in March, Virgo.  Even with all this delicious coupling, March 5th is your best day to go it alone.  Mid-month, an uncomfortably tense power struggle between Uranus and Pluto make it impossible for you to hide your true feelings.  Strip away the artifice lest you be stripped bare and caught defenseless.  Relax your retentive tendencies this March.  Talk a little less and listen with an open heart.  Such a strategy should get you cleanly through the thicket of possible misfortune.  Saturn’s retrograde triggers a reflection on your current home life.  Are you ready for a change?

Libra

LIBRA
Mundane March you might call it, Libra.  This month has you sweeping, mopping, dusting, and donating, all in service to your home.  While it may not be the sexiest use of your time, the very action of cleaning and sorting will inspire change in a number of other key areas of your life.  The hostility between Pluto and Uranus challenges family dynamics.  Aren’t you a little old for trying to please your folks?  You’ll never make them happy anyway, so just do you.  Yeah, you may experience a bit of a backlash, but don’t let it affect your self-worth.  Usher in the official start of spring with a commitment to a new and sustainable wellness plan.  Keep it simple and commit.

Scorpio

SCORPIO
March means well, Scorpio, with the stars aligning to shine a glamorous spotlight on you.  March 5th is your best day for connecting through technology which allows you to expand your reach and influence to a much broader audience.  Connect with your spiritual community.  Jupiter influences your career, especially the 3rd, when you may receive an unusual, but interesting professional opportunity that takes you away for awhile.  While at first, it seems outlandish, don’t discard the notion outright.  Pluto’s standoff with Uranus encourages Scorpio to soften your delivery.  Mid-month, no one will have any patience for one of your ill-timed barbs.  Don’t let a health concern become a health crisis.  The first day of Spring brings love and luck.

Sagittarius

SAG
For you Sag, March is a maternal, homebound time for family rooted in domesticity.  Bake a muffin, bitch.  When you’ve soaked up all the homespun charm you can handle, March 5th is your best career day where you finally start to net what you are worth.  Sags are prone to bouts of self-doubt.  The Pluto and Uranus pissing contest strikes a deep chord of insecurity.  Your challenge is to dig deep into your well of self-confidence.  You can’t be so easily rattled by life’s little divots.  Saturn is all up in your business for the next few years, and goes retrograde for a spell this month.  Saturn doesn’t allow for any short cuts.  Connections and nepotism aren’t going to get you there, but hard work will.

Capricorn

CAPRICORN
You are especially smart and intellectually nimble this March, Capricorn.  If you want to learn something new, this is the time to do it.  March 5th is your best day for travel and revelations.  Pluto’s been fucking with you a little bit, and this month he wedges his boot in your ass in a cosmic tug of war with Uranus.  You’ll feel the stress in your home and intimate relationships.  Stay out of the numerous power struggles taking place in your realm.  This isn’t the time to throw your weight around just because you’ve lost your temper.  If you lack the self-control to manage your temper, then just stay home and isolate, especially mid-month.  A few days alone would do you good, Capricorn.

Aquarius

AQUARIUS
After your birthday blowout last month Aquarius, the most basic and simple concerns come back into focus this March.  You take a good look at your incoming resources and your current expenditures and find an unsustainable imbalance.  An immediate raise may not be possible, but present yourself at work as if it were.  You never know.  Another option?  On March 5th, consider a merger either professional or personal that helps ease both parties’ economic burdens.  With Pluto and Uranus at odds, March isn’t an ideal month for big decisions like marriage or a new home.  This energy also makes you a bit snippy, so add an extra layer of icing to your conversational cake.

Tori & Dean: got your goat

This week on Tori & Dean the focus returned to a troubled Inventori, a space Tori opened to hock her personal hoarder stash to the unsuspecting public at an exorbitant markup.  Even though neither has any experience running a retail store, they are surprised to hear from staff that the store is struggling. Tori admitted she didn’t actually have any GD clue where shop owners procure inventory for their stores.  Scout offered up an antique fair in Texas as a possibility.  Tori’s inexperience underscores her complete and total lack of basic qualifications for owning a store that purports to sell antiques.  Are these legit antiques or just a bunch of old tacky shit?  On the basis of that hideous painted armoire in the background alone, I’m inclined to say the latter.Even though the whole point of the Inventori endeavor is to clear years-worth of accumulated possessions, rather than lower the prices to actually move some of the merch, Tori decides to restock the store with less sentimental items from the Texas antique fair.  It doesn’t occur to Tori that the antique dealers at this antique fair are reselling at retail not wholesale prices, so she donned the world’s ugliest caftan and got the whole gang on board for a jaunt down south.Oh yeah, and Patsy’s back.  If you are trying to hide your pregnancy why would you invite your baby nurse for a visit?Big fucking surprise, once Tori got down to the antique extravaganza she realized that most items carried an inflated price which didn’t leave much room for profit margin upon resale, even in L.A.  The first day was a total bust.  Dean harvested some intel and found out all the good stuff gets scooped up by local early birds.  Fucking early birds.Later after stuffing dead animals covered in BBQ sauce in their pie holes, James, Scout, and Dean insisted on riding a mechanical bull.  James obviously had quite a bit more riding experience than the other two, because he’s the only one that dismounted feet not head first.The next day, the gang went on a buying spree.  Tori even leveraged her star power to score a golf cart.  Iron bed frames, wing-backed chairs, a sweet long wooden table, and several odd tables are just a few of the items Tori selected for the truck headed back to L.A.Even though the last thing the McDermott residence needs is another feces contributor, Dean brought a baby pygmy goat and baby white fluffy chicken to join the other indoor barnyard animals.  Baby animals are delightful and all, but goats and chickens in the house?  That can’t be sanitary.When the truck arrived from Texas, Tori unloaded all the new purchases and presumably took the furniture she was actually trying to sell back to expensive storage.Serving her best poor woman’s Lucille Ball, Tori rolled around in her closet pretending to wrangle with Spanx.  When the girdle bested her, she turned to an unattractive babydoll dress and rubber rain boots which did nothing to detract from pregnancy speculation.  All the fuss was over the Fabulous Beekman boys who came to town to do an in-store cross-promo moment at Inventori.  Goat soap for everyone.