Would you rather have your car washed and gassed every week or receive a pair of diamond earrings?
Me = care for the car bitch. 
Would you rather couple with someone of means with no sex drive or a poor person who is always pawing at you?
Me = desire over dinero. 
Would you rather take an exotic trip with four people you barely know or stay home alone?
Me = I’d rather be domestically bored than internationally annoyed. 
Would you rather have 1 oz of premium chocolate or a whole bag of Hershey’s?
Me = It’s chocolate so I’ll take either in a pinch, but quality over quantity. 
Would you rather have a $100,000 home that is paid for or a $1,000,000 home with a mortgage? 
Me = free and clear. 
I go back and forth with Origins. I’ve been both impressed and disappointed with their offerings. After a particularly dry stretch of winter, I decided to try Origins Drink Up.
Drink Up has the classic flowery-botanical Origins fragrance and creamy texture you’ve come to expect. The generous 3.4 oz size for under $25 pleases me too.
So this isn’t going to help with your pre-Hawaii crash diet or anything, but these Chocolove bars are fucking everything okay. Per everyone’s advice, we are supposed to eat the dark chocolate. Add in a little dried fruit to cut the bitterness and I’m with you.
Honestly though, in my most Chocoloving moments I can take an entire milk chocolate bar down all by myself. Judge me. Go ahead. 
So you’ve heard it before, but it bears repeating, traveling on the Hawaiian Islands is fucking astronomically expensive. Know what else is surprising? The food is consistently mediocre and totally overpriced (You were so RIGHT Annabella!), even for vegetarians.
After navigating three different islands over the last 9 days, I’ve picked up a few strategies for cutting culinary costs. In preparing for this trip, I came across a lot of advice. Most of it was useless. My aim here is to offer up some helpful non-obvious information.
For instance, one of the most common recommendations I read on the internet before coming to Hawaii is to hit up the COSTCO. If you are rolling a week deep with a family of four, perhaps that is a smart move for you. However, think about whether or not you can really get through COSTCO-size servings before you return home. The tendency is to overbuy and end up wasting. Not a good look. Buy only the essentials in quantities you can use during your trip. You aren’t really saving money if you throw half of it away.
Remember as a general rule, in Hawaii nothing comes with anything. Order a veggie burger for $8; don’t expect fries. Realistically expect to pay another $5 for fries. First, decided if you MUST have fries. If the answer is yes, then decide if you need a whole order to yourself. If not, share. Sharing is caring.
They also really love “wraps” here, so expect a lot of burrito-shaped foods. Grab a wrap and then buy extras like chips and a drink at a convenience store to avoid the deli-style markup.
Make this a vegetarian vacation. You’ll pay more for vegetarian food here than on the mainland – which by the way makes no fucking sense since many of the veggies are grown locally – but vegetarian dishes are still less expensive than anything else on the menu. (Why not try some taro?) Plus, sticking with veggies will keep you looking good in your swimwear and ward off pesky travel constipation. Don’t act like you don’t get backed up bitch.
Generally speaking, the exploitative resorts have pretty crappy food served in the least interesting environment. What you are essentially paying for here is a premium on convenience. If the timing or circumstances of your travel require a meal on the property, skirt the ridiculous up-charge on room service by walking your lazy ass down and picking up carry-out from the bar. Skip the “fanciest” restaurant on the property and just stick to the bar and cafe – almost always the food is all coming out of the same kitchen anyway.
Let me caution you on the hyperbole-laced shaved ice. I was standing in the grocery store in Waimea looking at postcards when I heard the check-out girl exclaim “Oh No!” A customer passed the fuck out in the check out line. I pulled her up on my lap, got her some water, called her friends, and waited with her until the paramedics arrived. What took her down? Shaved Ice. Poor girl had too much sugar, too much heat, and not enough quality nutrition. After that bad churro took me down at Coachella, I learned my lesson about the overly sweet snacking, especially in the heat. While that $5 shaved ice looks tempting, skip it for a low-glycemic, substantive option.
By the way, don’t ever be the dork at the luau. So Fucking Lame. I’m sorry, but I don’t think we can be friends if you attend a rude pig-sacrificing luau.
This book Heads in Beds: A Reckless Memoir of Hotels, Hustles, and So-Called Hospitality by Jacob Tomsky has been getting a lot of shine, so I Kindled it to see if it indeed included any salacious insider gossip. Let me save you the trouble – this tell-all doesn’t tell much about the hotel industry or human nature that you don’t already know.
Tomsky started in hospitality at the bottom of the valet pile in New Orleans, and eventually made his way up to third-in-command at a mid-to-high-end Manhattan hotel he calls “Bellevue” to protect its identity. 
Tomsky works primarily as a front desk clerk. The self-serving thesis of this book? Heavily tip the front desk clerk with “bricks” ($100s) or “baby bricks” ($20s) to score under-the-table upgrades. Throw some money around at the desk and you too can enjoy a $4 comped bottle of shitty pinot. How Fancy.
The inverse is also true. Mistreat your wife, make a racist comment to the cabbie, or fart downwind from the all powerful desk clerk and find yourself key bombed. Tomsky will stick you with a bunk key card, book you in the shittiest room, or one that gets all-night phone calls because the room number matches 1+ the local area code and every ninny in the hotel forgets to dial 9 for an outside line. Remember to be on your very best behavior or the desk despot will punish you!
Tomsky promises park views, late check outs, and express check-in if you slide him some cash. But I don’t really want or need any of that. Fuck the view. I’m sleeping here. Can you get me a clean room with that $20? Probably not. Even the finest hotels suffer from inconsistent housekeeping. 
I don’t care about stealing from the mini-bar. If you do, Tomsky says go wild; the hotel will comp the oft-disputed charges. 
Macallan Scotch. Tasty. Not too personal, but still leaves a warm feeling in the gut. Passes the booze snob test. Generally speaking, the older the scotch, the pricier the bottle. 
Pink Himalayan Sea Salt is high in trace minerals and is super pretty too. You can cook or serve on these Pink Himalayan Sea Salt blocks. A pink salt block is an original gift for culinary have-it-alls and surprisingly affordable. 
Ya’ll know I heart some paper, including these Fringe Studio stationery sets. Find them for half price at the high-end department store outlets. Cute quality cards please almost any lady (and inclined gent) from 8 to 80 years old. 
Recently, I received this fantastic Edradour Single Highland Malt Whisky Fudge. It is a skosh sweet for my personal taste, but I still think the tin of individually wrapped candies make a nice gender-neutral alternative to the over abundance of cutesy confectionery options. “Fudge” is misleading; I would describe them as delicious caramels infused with whisky from Scotland’s smallest distillery established way back in 1825. Whatever you call ‘em, they’re yum. 
I’m not a person who traditionally invests in massages or bodywork. Even though I recognize the value of the service, truthfully it always felt a little self-indulgent. 
Recently, an interesting colleague approached me with an offer of a trade. In exchange for instruction in my given area of expertise, she would provide bodywork – specifically craniosacral and Thai massage. Knowing that massage is not something I’m likely to invest in of my own accord, I accepted her offer. 
We’ve met consistently over the last five weeks. I’ve noticed legitimate short-term change in my body. If nothing else, I leave our time feeling more open, relaxed, and in a better mood. 
I’m about to take an adventure and I went on a Hotwire binge. I haven’t used the site before, but I do like a deal on lodging. I like to keep it under $100 a night including taxes and extra expenses. Free breakfast is an added bonus, free wifi – an obvious necessity. You’d be surprised how difficult a $100 budget-restraint can be in both major cities and small towns, assuming you don’t want to go the two star route. In my opinion a 2 star rating pretty much guarantees a dreaded foreign pube encounter. 
So here is the tricky shit. If you are willing to risk the unknown, you can do quite well on Hotwire. The steepest savings lurk in the Hotwire Hot Rates. Book an accommodation based on a star rating, general geographical area, and/or amenities, but the identity of the hotel remains a mystery until after you reserve a non-refundable stay. Risky business, I know. 
Those who take risks are well-rewarded. A 2 night stay in a 4 star accommodation listed for $311.02 on Orbitz. I booked the same hotel for $228.92 on Hotwire - for a total savings of $82.10. To be clear, I didn’t know what hotel I was booking at the time of irreversible billing, I just pressed the button and hoped for the best. I was pleasantly surprised 3 x in a row in three different locations. When I compared my booking rate to the available published rates, the savings always ranged from super to spectacular. 
It is easy to feel smug from the plush cushiness of my own chair, but when I arrive at these hotels, they better live up to their promised cleanliness ratings. A rogue hair can really spoil an evening. 
In keeping with my budget, Hotwire allowed me to upgrade a full class of hotels. Plus, I enjoy a thrill when confirming a reservation and the big name reveal comes. I immediately skip to the other travel sites and gloat over what a fantastic deal I scored. Fear not, I plan to keep you bitches fully informed from the road as to whether choosing this site was a wise or poor decision. 