Tag Archives: luxury

FATTRESS

BECOME YOUR DREAMI didn’t realize my mattress sucked until someone else slept on it and informed me it sucked.  I had acclimated to the suck.  I didn’t understand that this too soft, busted-ass, brokedown mattress was contributing to chronic pain I’ve been enduring.  While I wanted a new bed desperately, shopping for mattresses isn’t fun.  I don’t want to lie down where all those people have lied down before me.  I can’t actually get in my sleep position because it’s so weird, so I just lay there like a corpse staring at the ceiling reassuring the solicitous sales guy that it indeed “feels great.”  I’d rather avoid this undignified scene at the mattress shop.  CHARLOTTE TREY BUNNY BEDI recall when I stayed with my friend AMP for Pitchfork her guest bed was amazing.  She purchased through Overstock and was quite happy with the transaction.  I didn’t do a ton of online recon.  I just ordered a competitvely priced fatty 14″ from Overstock.  My queen arrived vacuum sealed in a box and expanded when I opened the packaging.  It’s firm, but giving, quiet and cool.  When I slept on my old mattress, I woke up with numb arms.  I’ve experienced no more numb arm nonsense with my new bed.  I’m sleeping so well now.  I wish I’d done this sooner.  14 INCH FOAM

score

REBECCA MINKOFF AZUMA FUSCHIAI treated myself to some sexy new Rebecca Minkoff Azuma heels for my moment with Wendy Williams in Vegas.  The shoes are gorgeous, but I don’t understand why these high-end shoe designers don’t consider tread.  These hot pink beauties are slippery as fuck. REBECCA MINKOFF AZUMA BOTTOMWith no traction, how does one avoid eating shit in the middle of the Venetian lobby?  Slice those bitches up.  And I’m not referring to the basic bitches who shared a bottle of body glitter in the elevator.  I mean the bottom of those expensive-ass shoes you just purchased.   Take a knife or sharp scissors and score several superficial cuts into the sole of the shoe.  It’s a runway trick and it works.  Nobody looks at the bottom of your shoes anyway.  Better to have a scratched sole than a busted ass, you feel me?CAM00942NAOMI WESTWOOD FALL

TCHO SeriousMilk Milk Chocolate

TCHO MILK CHOC BOXHave you tried TCHO SeriousMilk Milk Chocolate?  Milky, with a richly assertive chocolate taste, it may be the bar you’ve been dreaming for, but didn’t think possible.  Unfold the stylish packaging to uncover an ennead of elegantly embossed chocolate squares.  A luxury bar of superior quality, TCHO SeriousMilk Milk Chocolate may cost twice that of Hershey’s, but it’s worth the splurge since this chocolate provides more interesting and nuanced companionship than most people.  Enjoy. TCHO CHOCOLATE BAR

brazilina

HAIR OPTIONSI’ve had one heinous Brazilian wax and one considerably less painful trip to Brazil.  Through the two experiences, I’ve learned a thing or two about whom you should entrust your vadge to for a proper hair removal.BRAZILIAN BEFORE

Visit the ExpertsPRO WAXER

The first time I went for a Brazilian I tacked it on to the end of a chemical peel.  Big Mistake.  It was obvious the girl who painted the peel was far less experienced with waxing.  She used the wrong wax.  She took all fucking day, and as a result the procedure hurt like hell.  Patronize a professional who does nothing but wax all day long.  If she is from Eastern Europe or Russia, all the better.  For my second waxing, I chose a place that specializes in the art of hair removal and has developed its own proprietary hard wax that is virtually pain-free and discourages post-waxing infections.  At the waxing salon, my waxer was competent, professional, and efficient.

Use the Appropriate WaxHARD WAX

For a Brazilian only use hard wax.  If a bitch comes at you with strips of cloth, run.  Hard wax is applied warm, hardens, and pulls off clean discouraging ingrowns.HARD WAX BRAZILIAN

Prepare the AreaBRAZILIAN WAX

I love exchanging horror stories with the waxer.  I like to tell her about the unprofessional waxing experiences I have suffered through, and she loves to tell me about all the dirty bitches who come in with shitty assholes asking for Brazilians.  If you are going to ask someone to rip the hair off your genitals with hot wax the least you can do is clean your anus and that’s all I am going to say about that.  (Skills for Life people.)  Slightly less obvious than having a clean ass, one must prepare the area by exfoliating.  A thick layer of dry skin can cause the wax to pull off too much skin leaving raw patches.  Exfoliating before and after waxing also helps deter ingrown hairs.

Realistic ExpectationsNOT MY VAGINA

What can you expect after this tortuous ritual?  First and foremost you will be red as fuck for at least a day.  Don’t get a Brazilian the same day you want to have sex.  Because after the Brazilian you probably won’t want to have sex.  You’ll probably want to sit on a block of ice.  As to whether you’ll suffer more or less irritation than whatever hair removal method you currently employ, I believe that is highly personal.  However, I can attest that I have endured far less redness and drama with waxing than any other technique.  I haven’t done laser, but of the options I have tried, waxing results by far last longest.  The regrowth is softer and sparser.   If you are super shy or body conscious this is not the beauty treatment for you because you are naked from the waist down.  This is another reason to go to someone who does this all day because when you’ve seen one vagina you’ve seen them all.HAND BIKINI

 

That weekend I ate a $10 box of crackers.

LESLEY STOWE RAINCOAST CRISPS FIG AND OLIVERemember when I went to Pitchfork in Chicago this summer?  My most vivid recollection of that weekend was consuming an entire box of fancy crackers at my friend’s house.  Only after a recent trip to Whole Foods did I learn that I had snacked away an entire $10 package.  I’m such a shitty house guest, for real.  Forgive me.  Your Lesley Stowe Raincoast Crisps were so tasty I couldn’t resist.   I promise to fortify your fancy cracker supply Anne-Marie.  To think that without your influence, I could have gone my whole life and never tried a $10 cracker.  LESLEY STOWE RAINCOAST CRISPS CHERRY AND HAZELNUTMORE RAINCOAST CRISPS

The Truth about Tickled Pink

TICKLED PINK AIRBRUSH KITLoyal readers may remember a recent post on the Tickled Pink Airbrush system.  I received Tickled Pink as a gift and even though it wasn’t exactly what I wanted, the giver probably meant well.  Because I was somewhat disappointed in not receiving exactly what I asked for, the device sat on my shelf unopened for months after the holidays.  When I finally broke it out and learned how to use it proficiently, I was impressed with the outcome, but not so much the process.  There are several aspects of the Tickled Pink airbrusher that are poorly designed and overall the gadget lacks durability.  After a few mere months of use the airbrusher went completely kaput.  I don’t mean the tip got clogged – which happens with any airbrusher – I mean the whole fucking compressor died.  The kit is covered by warranty, but I’m hardly about to hit up my ex-boyfriend for the necessary purchasing proof to make claims on said warranty.  The accompanying makeup is decent for its intended purposes, but the darker colors skew orange.  Let me be crystal clear: in no way is Tickled Pink a remotely extraordinary product.TICKLED PINK MAKEUP

NEO IWATA AIRBRUSHWhat I originally wanted (and should have just bought for myself) was a high-quality all-purpose airbrusher.  Iwata airbrushers are pretty much the gold standard.  The Neo is particularly well-suited for makeup application.  The compressor and airbrush are sold separately, but assembling the two is painless.  What does the Neo have that the Tickled Pink airbrush doesn’t?  For one, the cup that holds the product has a lid.  When airbrushing your own face with your eyes closed it is easy to spill fluidic makeup everywhere.  The makeup isn’t cheap and I go through it rather quickly, so waste just isn’t an option.  Overall, the Iwata Neo compressor is sexy, sleek, quiet, and well-made.  The airbrusher itself has a healthy-sized gravity-fed vessel, the aforementioned lid, and a nuanced and adjustable spray mechanism.  So far, I have been using my remaining Tickled Pink makeup, but when I exhaust that supply I will begin the quest of mixing my very own customized foundation.NEO AIR

The Iwata Neo isn’t cheap, so shop around.  Hobby Lobby has these yummy online coupons for 40% off any full-priced item.  Coupons can be used on consecutive days or on separate occasions at different stores, so theoretically you could buy the compressor for forty percent off and then do the same with airbrusher, but you didn’t hear it from me.HOBBY LOBBY COUPON

Would You Rather?

Would you rather have your car washed and gassed every week or receive a pair of diamond earrings?Me = care for the car bitch. Would you rather couple with someone of means with no sex drive or a poor person who is always pawing at you?Me = desire over dinero. Would you rather take an exotic trip with four people you barely know or stay home alone?Me = I’d rather be domestically bored than internationally annoyed. Would you rather have 1 oz of premium chocolate or a whole bag of Hershey’s?Me = It’s chocolate so I’ll take either in a pinch, but quality over quantity. Would you rather have a $100,000 home that is paid for or a $1,000,000 home with a mortgage? Me = free and clear. 

 

Origins Drink Up

I go back and forth with Origins.  I’ve been both impressed and disappointed with their offerings.  After a particularly dry stretch of winter, I decided to try Origins Drink Up.

Water (Aqua), Rosa Damascena (Bulgarian Rose) Flower (Rose), Anthemis Nobilis (Roman Chamomile) Flower Water (Chamomile), Citrus Aurantium Amara (Orange) Flower Water (Bitter Orange), Capric/Caprylic Triglyceride, Prunus Armeniaca Kernel Oil (Apricot), Butylene Glycol, Squalane, PEG 100 Stearate, Glycerin, Glyceryl Stearate, Isopropyl Isostearate, Saccharide Isomerate, Cetearyl Alcohol, Polysorbate 60, Citrus Aurantium Amara (Orange) Oil (Bitter Orange), Ribes Nigrum (Black Currant) Seed Oil (Black Currant), Prunus Amygdalus Amara Kernel Oil (Bitter Almond), Rosa Damascena (Bulgarian Rose) Flower Oil (Rose), Cinnamomum Camphora (Camphor) Bark Oil (Shiu/Camphor), Citrus Aurantium Amara (Orange) Oil (Sweet Orange), Prunus Armeniaca Kernel Oil. (Apricot), Osmanthus Fragrans Flower Extract (Osmanthus Absolute), Linalool, Limonene, Oryza Sativa Bran Oil (Rice), Algae (Seaweed) Extract, Caffeine, Hypnea Musciformis Extract (Algae), Gigartina Stellata Extract (Algae), Sodium Hyaluronate (Hyaluronic Acid), Carbomer, Caprylyl Glycol, Acrylamides Copolymer, Hexylene Glycol, Disodium EDTA, Sodium Dehydroacetate, Phenoxyethanol.

The blended, essential-oil infused mask acts as a 10 minute antidote to parched skin.  The product advises you to washes it off, but I don’t.  I just leave it to soak in luxuriously all night.  Next time, I look forward to exploring another version specifically meant for overnight use called Drink Up Intensive.Drink Up has the classic flowery-botanical Origins fragrance and creamy texture you’ve come to expect.  The generous 3.4 oz size for under $25 pleases me too.

Chocolove

So this isn’t going to help with your pre-Hawaii crash diet or anything, but these Chocolove bars are fucking everything okay.  Per everyone’s advice, we are supposed to eat the dark chocolate.  Add in a little dried fruit to cut the bitterness and I’m with you.Honestly though, in my most Chocoloving moments I can take an entire milk chocolate bar down all by myself.  Judge me. Go ahead.