Tag Archives: luxury

TCHO SeriousMilk Milk Chocolate

TCHO MILK CHOC BOXHave you tried TCHO SeriousMilk Milk Chocolate?  Milky, with a richly assertive chocolate taste, it may be the bar you’ve been dreaming for, but didn’t think possible.  Unfold the stylish packaging to uncover an ennead of elegantly embossed chocolate squares.  A luxury bar of superior quality, TCHO SeriousMilk Milk Chocolate may cost twice that of Hershey’s, but it’s worth the splurge since this chocolate provides more interesting and nuanced companionship than most people.  Enjoy. TCHO CHOCOLATE BAR

brazilina

HAIR OPTIONSI’ve had one heinous Brazilian wax and one considerably less painful trip to Brazil.  Through the two experiences, I’ve learned a thing or two about whom you should entrust your vadge to for a proper hair removal.BRAZILIAN BEFORE

Visit the ExpertsPRO WAXER

The first time I went for a Brazilian I tacked it on to the end of a chemical peel.  Big Mistake.  It was obvious the girl who painted the peel was far less experienced with waxing.  She used the wrong wax.  She took all fucking day, and as a result the procedure hurt like hell.  Patronize a professional who does nothing but wax all day long.  If she is from Eastern Europe or Russia, all the better.  For my second waxing, I chose a place that specializes in the art of hair removal and has developed its own proprietary hard wax that is virtually pain-free and discourages post-waxing infections.  At the waxing salon, my waxer was competent, professional, and efficient.

Use the Appropriate WaxHARD WAX

For a Brazilian only use hard wax.  If a bitch comes at you with strips of cloth, run.  Hard wax is applied warm, hardens, and pulls off clean discouraging ingrowns.HARD WAX BRAZILIAN

Prepare the AreaBRAZILIAN WAX

I love exchanging horror stories with the waxer.  I like to tell her about the unprofessional waxing experiences I have suffered through, and she loves to tell me about all the dirty bitches who come in with shitty assholes asking for Brazilians.  If you are going to ask someone to rip the hair off your genitals with hot wax the least you can do is clean your anus and that’s all I am going to say about that.  (Skills for Life people.)  Slightly less obvious than having a clean ass, one must prepare the area by exfoliating.  A thick layer of dry skin can cause the wax to pull off too much skin leaving raw patches.  Exfoliating before and after waxing also helps deter ingrown hairs.

Realistic ExpectationsNOT MY VAGINA

What can you expect after this tortuous ritual?  First and foremost you will be red as fuck for at least a day.  Don’t get a Brazilian the same day you want to have sex.  Because after the Brazilian you probably won’t want to have sex.  You’ll probably want to sit on a block of ice.  As to whether you’ll suffer more or less irritation than whatever hair removal method you currently employ, I believe that is highly personal.  However, I can attest that I have endured far less redness and drama with waxing than any other technique.  I haven’t done laser, but of the options I have tried, waxing results by far last longest.  The regrowth is softer and sparser.   If you are super shy or body conscious this is not the beauty treatment for you because you are naked from the waist down.  This is another reason to go to someone who does this all day because when you’ve seen one vagina you’ve seen them all.HAND BIKINI

 

That weekend I ate a $10 box of crackers.

LESLEY STOWE RAINCOAST CRISPS FIG AND OLIVERemember when I went to Pitchfork in Chicago this summer?  My most vivid recollection of that weekend was consuming an entire box of fancy crackers at my friend’s house.  Only after a recent trip to Whole Foods did I learn that I had snacked away an entire $10 package.  I’m such a shitty house guest, for real.  Forgive me.  Your Lesley Stowe Raincoast Crisps were so tasty I couldn’t resist.   I promise to fortify your fancy cracker supply Anne-Marie.  To think that without your influence, I could have gone my whole life and never tried a $10 cracker.  LESLEY STOWE RAINCOAST CRISPS CHERRY AND HAZELNUTMORE RAINCOAST CRISPS

The Truth about Tickled Pink

TICKLED PINK AIRBRUSH KITLoyal readers may remember a recent post on the Tickled Pink Airbrush system.  I received Tickled Pink as a gift and even though it wasn’t exactly what I wanted, the giver probably meant well.  Because I was somewhat disappointed in not receiving exactly what I asked for, the device sat on my shelf unopened for months after the holidays.  When I finally broke it out and learned how to use it proficiently, I was impressed with the outcome, but not so much the process.  There are several aspects of the Tickled Pink airbrusher that are poorly designed and overall the gadget lacks durability.  After a few mere months of use the airbrusher went completely kaput.  I don’t mean the tip got clogged – which happens with any airbrusher – I mean the whole fucking compressor died.  The kit is covered by warranty, but I’m hardly about to hit up my ex-boyfriend for the necessary purchasing proof to make claims on said warranty.  The accompanying makeup is decent for its intended purposes, but the darker colors skew orange.  Let me be crystal clear: in no way is Tickled Pink a remotely extraordinary product.TICKLED PINK MAKEUP

NEO IWATA AIRBRUSHWhat I originally wanted (and should have just bought for myself) was a high-quality all-purpose airbrusher.  Iwata airbrushers are pretty much the gold standard.  The Neo is particularly well-suited for makeup application.  The compressor and airbrush are sold separately, but assembling the two is painless.  What does the Neo have that the Tickled Pink airbrush doesn’t?  For one, the cup that holds the product has a lid.  When airbrushing your own face with your eyes closed it is easy to spill fluidic makeup everywhere.  The makeup isn’t cheap and I go through it rather quickly, so waste just isn’t an option.  Overall, the Iwata Neo compressor is sexy, sleek, quiet, and well-made.  The airbrusher itself has a healthy-sized gravity-fed vessel, the aforementioned lid, and a nuanced and adjustable spray mechanism.  So far, I have been using my remaining Tickled Pink makeup, but when I exhaust that supply I will begin the quest of mixing my very own customized foundation.NEO AIR

The Iwata Neo isn’t cheap, so shop around.  Hobby Lobby has these yummy online coupons for 40% off any full-priced item.  Coupons can be used on consecutive days or on separate occasions at different stores, so theoretically you could buy the compressor for forty percent off and then do the same with airbrusher, but you didn’t hear it from me.HOBBY LOBBY COUPON

Would You Rather?

Would you rather have your car washed and gassed every week or receive a pair of diamond earrings?Me = care for the car bitch. Would you rather couple with someone of means with no sex drive or a poor person who is always pawing at you?Me = desire over dinero. Would you rather take an exotic trip with four people you barely know or stay home alone?Me = I’d rather be domestically bored than internationally annoyed. Would you rather have 1 oz of premium chocolate or a whole bag of Hershey’s?Me = It’s chocolate so I’ll take either in a pinch, but quality over quantity. Would you rather have a $100,000 home that is paid for or a $1,000,000 home with a mortgage? Me = free and clear. 

 

Origins Drink Up

I go back and forth with Origins.  I’ve been both impressed and disappointed with their offerings.  After a particularly dry stretch of winter, I decided to try Origins Drink Up.

Water (Aqua), Rosa Damascena (Bulgarian Rose) Flower (Rose), Anthemis Nobilis (Roman Chamomile) Flower Water (Chamomile), Citrus Aurantium Amara (Orange) Flower Water (Bitter Orange), Capric/Caprylic Triglyceride, Prunus Armeniaca Kernel Oil (Apricot), Butylene Glycol, Squalane, PEG 100 Stearate, Glycerin, Glyceryl Stearate, Isopropyl Isostearate, Saccharide Isomerate, Cetearyl Alcohol, Polysorbate 60, Citrus Aurantium Amara (Orange) Oil (Bitter Orange), Ribes Nigrum (Black Currant) Seed Oil (Black Currant), Prunus Amygdalus Amara Kernel Oil (Bitter Almond), Rosa Damascena (Bulgarian Rose) Flower Oil (Rose), Cinnamomum Camphora (Camphor) Bark Oil (Shiu/Camphor), Citrus Aurantium Amara (Orange) Oil (Sweet Orange), Prunus Armeniaca Kernel Oil. (Apricot), Osmanthus Fragrans Flower Extract (Osmanthus Absolute), Linalool, Limonene, Oryza Sativa Bran Oil (Rice), Algae (Seaweed) Extract, Caffeine, Hypnea Musciformis Extract (Algae), Gigartina Stellata Extract (Algae), Sodium Hyaluronate (Hyaluronic Acid), Carbomer, Caprylyl Glycol, Acrylamides Copolymer, Hexylene Glycol, Disodium EDTA, Sodium Dehydroacetate, Phenoxyethanol.

The blended, essential-oil infused mask acts as a 10 minute antidote to parched skin.  The product advises you to washes it off, but I don’t.  I just leave it to soak in luxuriously all night.  Next time, I look forward to exploring another version specifically meant for overnight use called Drink Up Intensive.Drink Up has the classic flowery-botanical Origins fragrance and creamy texture you’ve come to expect.  The generous 3.4 oz size for under $25 pleases me too.

Chocolove

So this isn’t going to help with your pre-Hawaii crash diet or anything, but these Chocolove bars are fucking everything okay.  Per everyone’s advice, we are supposed to eat the dark chocolate.  Add in a little dried fruit to cut the bitterness and I’m with you.Honestly though, in my most Chocoloving moments I can take an entire milk chocolate bar down all by myself.  Judge me. Go ahead.

eat me: island edition

So you’ve heard it before, but it bears repeating, traveling on the Hawaiian Islands is fucking astronomically expensive.  Know what else is surprising?  The food is consistently mediocre and totally overpriced (You were so RIGHT Annabella!), even for vegetarians.After navigating three different islands over the last 9 days, I’ve picked up a few strategies for cutting culinary costs.  In preparing for this trip, I came across a lot of advice.  Most of it was useless.  My aim here is to offer up some helpful non-obvious information.For instance, one of the most common recommendations I read on the internet before coming to Hawaii is to hit up the COSTCO.  If you are rolling a week deep with a family of four, perhaps that is a smart move for you.  However, think about whether or not you can really get through COSTCO-size servings before you return home.  The tendency is to overbuy and end up wasting.  Not a good look.  Buy only the essentials in quantities you can use during your trip.  You aren’t really saving money if you throw half of it away.Remember as a general rule, in Hawaii nothing comes with anything.  Order a veggie burger for $8; don’t expect fries.  Realistically expect to pay another $5 for fries.  First, decided if you MUST have fries.  If the answer is yes, then decide if you need a whole order to yourself.  If not, share.  Sharing is caring.They also really love “wraps” here, so expect a lot of burrito-shaped foods.  Grab a wrap and then buy extras like chips and a drink at a convenience store to avoid the deli-style markup.Make this a vegetarian vacation.  You’ll pay more for vegetarian food here than on the mainland – which by the way makes no fucking sense since many of the veggies are grown locally – but vegetarian dishes are still less expensive than anything else on the menu.  (Why not try some taro?)  Plus, sticking with veggies will keep you looking good in your swimwear and ward off  pesky travel constipation.  Don’t act like you don’t get backed up bitch.Generally speaking, the exploitative resorts have pretty crappy food served in the least interesting environment.  What you are essentially paying for here is a premium on convenience.  If the timing or circumstances of your travel require a meal on the property, skirt the ridiculous up-charge on room service by walking your lazy ass down and picking up carry-out from the bar.  Skip the “fanciest” restaurant on the property and just stick to the bar and cafe – almost always the food is all coming out of the same kitchen anyway.Let me caution you on the hyperbole-laced shaved ice.  I was standing in the grocery store in Waimea looking at postcards when I heard the check-out girl exclaim “Oh No!”  A customer passed the fuck out in the check out line.  I pulled her up on my lap, got her some water, called her friends, and waited with her until the paramedics arrived.  What took her down?  Shaved Ice. Poor girl had too much sugar, too much heat, and not enough quality nutrition.  After that bad churro took me down at Coachella, I learned my lesson about the overly sweet snacking, especially in the heat.  While that $5 shaved ice looks tempting, skip it for a low-glycemic, substantive option.By the way, don’t ever be the dork at the luau.  So Fucking Lame.  I’m sorry, but I don’t think we can be friends if you attend a rude pig-sacrificing luau.

Mai e `ai

Heads in Beds

This book Heads in Beds: A Reckless Memoir of Hotels, Hustles, and So-Called Hospitality by Jacob Tomsky has been getting a lot of shine, so I Kindled it to see if it indeed included any salacious insider gossip.  Let me save you the trouble – this tell-all doesn’t tell much about the hotel industry or human nature that you don’t already know.Tomsky started in hospitality at the bottom of the valet pile in New Orleans, and eventually made his way up to third-in-command at a mid-to-high-end Manhattan hotel he calls “Bellevue” to protect its identity.  Tomsky works primarily as a front desk clerk.  The self-serving thesis of this book?  Heavily tip the front desk clerk with “bricks” ($100s) or “baby bricks” ($20s) to score under-the-table upgrades.  Throw some money around at the desk and you too can enjoy a $4 comped bottle of shitty pinot.  How Fancy.The inverse is also true.  Mistreat your wife, make a racist comment to the cabbie, or fart downwind from the all powerful desk clerk and find yourself key bombed.   Tomsky will stick you with a bunk key card, book you in the shittiest room, or one that gets all-night phone calls because the room number matches 1+ the local area code and every ninny in the hotel forgets to dial 9 for an outside line.  Remember to be on your very best behavior or the desk despot will punish you!Tomsky promises park views, late check outs, and express check-in if you slide him some cash.  But I don’t really want or need any of that.  Fuck the view.  I’m sleeping here.  Can you get me a clean  room with that $20?  Probably not.  Even the finest hotels suffer from inconsistent housekeeping.  I don’t care about stealing from the mini-bar.   If you do, Tomsky says go wild; the hotel will comp the oft-disputed charges. 

Bribing people to get good service isn’t exactly a profound revelation.  This book is too light on the hookers and diva celebrity behavior (Brian Wilson is the best you got, really?), and too heavy on the unions and the obvious.  As for crazy stories from the hospitality industry, I’ve heard more riveting cum-splattered tales from my Aunt Debbie who runs a Motel 6 in Salina