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I’m still processing that oddly unsettling 2 hour Mad Men premiere. It definitely warrants a rewatch before further comment, but I will say I totally projectile vomited just like Don Draper the day after I returned from Hawaii. The flight flu is truly timeless.
As far-flung relatives fling themselves back to wherever they came from, the horror stories of bad manners, ungrateful behavior, and petty criticisms have begun to trickle in from weary hosts. Since apparently many of us are totally lacking in self-awareness, here are a few examples of how we drive our thankless hosts to the brink.
Even though curious and tempted, don’t snoop. Most obviously, it is rude and invasive. When you go where you aren’t supposed to, you may not like what you find. Even though I’m a big proponent of honesty, guests should compliment and not criticize. Not feeling flush with praise? Then just shut the fuck up. Don’t feel the need to fill the silence with negative picky noise. Arrive and depart in a timely fashion. When a person prepares an elaborate sit down meal, timing matters. Your tardiness fucks up the delicate order. On the flip side, hosts please plan your meal with room to spare. Nobody really enjoys waiting four hours to eat. A substantial wait guarantees that guests will get hungry, cranky and bitchy.
My optimism and supplements weren’t quite enough to kick this persistent flu. I checked my temperature, 101°. Scary right?
What to do? I hate the hospital. Why?
Check these frightening stats.
I just had lunch with my good friend Dez, a nurse, and she was saying she was looking forward to picking up the night shit. If I remember correctly, some insane night shift from 7:30 pm to 5:30 am. What the fuck? I asked her, “Do you find your quality of attention suffers when you are tired?” She replied, “Yes, but the night shift pays more.” No judgment on her, it is the system that needs a major re-haul. With residents on 24 hour shifts, how many of those medical errors listed above were a result of simple fatigue? So needless to say, I will not be going to the hospital. I’m working a fresh-squeezed juice regimen – carrots, celery, orange, and apple for nutrition. Currently, food is a repellent thought. They say to starve the flu, right? Silver lining? At least I’ll take a few pounds off before Coachella. We’ll just call it a cleanse, yeah? Don’t judge me for that last part. This flu is making me delirious.
Yes Joanie everyone’s staring at you. You know you’re not exactly at your fighting weight.
Try me. I should not be allowed to drink at work functions, or at all honestly.
You don’t get to have this. Go sit over there. All you get to do is watch.
Happy Birthday little fishies! I have a special fondness for you. Pisces usher in the last painful days of winter. The time of Pisces ends with the vernal equinox and the dawn of spring. Expect to walk a path that follows the trajectory of your sign in March. A period of darkness comes before the light shines. These dark days feel interminable. Find a few highlights to look forward to this month, like a festival or concert. Now more than ever you are focused on the future and what it has in store for you. Continue to craft your destiny. Fortify your current ideals and discard the flimsy, unsubstantiated leanings of the past. Pisces must persevere to thrive. Rewards are sure to follow.
Over the past few months, circumstances and energy funneled to place Aries in a leadership position. From this vortex you feel good, and this boost has increased productivity and ultimately heightened your desire for success. Keep your ego and character in check. Success and integrity are not mutually exclusive – quite the contrary. Continue to take the lead, make mindful decisions, and gain esteem through your efforts.
Bulls find themselves paired with Libras this month in a situation where you work together. Even though you can be hard to get along with, Libras typically aren’t, so this may be the beginning of a beautiful working relationship between the two of you. A less literal interpretation of the stars means Taurus must find balance in March, particularly in the areas of daily life, health and environment. Taurus feels the full Moon this month and it inspires a change in dreams, hopes, and goals. Even though you are not always a fan of change, soldier forward.
In March, Geminis must speak their truth. What do you need? What do you want? What do you know is true? Share your wisdom and unapologetically state your point of view. Rather than turning folks off, you will ease their insecurities. Gemini’s natural problem-solving skills come in handy for those who receive the benefit of your company this month. Share your bounty of intelligence. Be especially careful not to overlook anyone.
Crabs experience an influx of creativity in March and for several months after. Working with family enhances and supports this surge. Over the last month, outside influences have caused a shift. Life has demanded that you recalibrate and reprioritize. Cope with these new demands by preparing and maintaining a balanced and beautiful home.
In March, Leos ponder an investment, possibly in real estate. Could this be the means to ensuring your future? Could this opportunity free you to pursue your creative interests while securing lasting wealth? Evaluate the deal carefully. It may feel well outside your comfort zone. Long-buried family secrets shake up trauma at home. Maintain your guard and steer the family towards the clear.
March brings a mess of chaos to Virgo’s life over the next month. If you have heeded the advice provided over the last few months, your careful handling of financial resources is about to save your ass. Good looking out. Expect an unforeseen overabundance, extra cash in the drawer, an extra deposit, something of that nature. This extra is a result of a secret, a secret that should be kept hidden. Proceed carefully and with complete discretion. Plan a trip to visit far-flung family for later this summer.
Libras may just have to swallow their pride and ask for help this month. Some require financial need, others need emotional support. Friends and family make themselves available, just be sure to lean on someone you trust. As you receive gifts from once source, find a way to pay it forward to someone else in your life that desperately needs an upgrade. Through your Librian influence you make people, things, and places more attractive and valuable. Don’t let technological glitches twist your panties.
One of your worst qualities Scorpio is that you suck at taking criticism. Like right now, you are bristling at that tiny disparagement. When you overcome the kryptonite power of other people’s judgments, you will ascend to your highest self. This month will be an excellent test. A barrage of opinions will come your way like a season of harsh and unrelenting winds whipping at your face. Scorpios hear every opposing opinion as a challenge. Keep big picture plans to yourself. Check in on old friends, and clean up any messes you’ve left behind. Resolving past conflicts with integrity paves the path for a pure and clean future.
Sagittarius experiences an unusual sense of self-limitation this month. Usually free and confident, a cloud of self-doubt settles over Sags in March. Are you hyper-focused on your own personal problems? If you find yourself stuck in a negative mind-loop, hop the wheel and flee the scene. Get sucked into all that noise and March will slip through your fingers as you piss it away wallowing. Replace hateful thoughts with prayers and meditation. Think about someone or something other than yourself.
After last month’s bitter disappointment, Caps take their dashed hopes and find new friends and expand their social circle. A fascination with a new hobby or interests helps bring a new community into the mix. This is an exciting opportunity to begin anew. Amidst all these new social connections, don’t fail your current friends. Relationship garden beds need tending; don’t let yours overrun with weeds.
Quite a bit of shine comes your way this month Aquarius. Can you receive the glory with grace, or will you seek refuge from the glare of the spotlight? Influential people take interest in you. This is an opportunity for you to leave a major impression. Enjoy honor and praise, and contemplate the possibility of professional advancement. Whether plugged into the machine or making your way more independently, in March apply tactics for growth and personal satisfaction.
The best and worst of the A-list: Kate Winslet in Elie Saab and Gwyneth Paltrow in Pucci. Gwyneth’s face looks better than it has in a while, but the dress is confusing and wrong. A transparent midriff, really G?Another disappointing turn for Katie Holmes in Calvin Klein Collection. Bad fit, uninspired color, and boring shoes combined to create another dud for Mrs. Cruise. Evan Rachel Wood provided a refreshing relief from the onslaught of red in an immaculately tailored Elie Saab.
Hate to say Christina Hendricks looked unnecessarily big in an embellished Johanna Johnson gown. The open toe and low heeled shoe makes her legs appear chunky. A darker tressed Elisabeth Moss stayed in the same color family as her co-star in a pinky-nudish Marchesa adorned with shimmering vines. Damn, I miss Mad Men.Let’s get the Glee bitches out of the way: self-important Lea Michele vamping for the flashbulbs in Marchesa, Jenna Ushkowitz in an architectural Ghadah Paris, and Diana Agron in Roskanda Ilinic. Naya Rivera’s chic, black, subtly-detailed gown made Heather Morris‘ selection look fussy by comparison. Colfer proves that photographically satin betrays both genders. Darren Criss showed up his more well-known cast mate in a slender suit by John Varvatos. Of the hostesses, Cat Deeley didn’t embarrass herself or wow in Monique L’Huillier. I question the clutch choice with this particular gown. Even with ample style resources, Padma Lakshmi in Armani Privé and Heidi Klum in Christian Siriano reinforce the notion that most models can’t dress themselves worth a shit. You would think that the Fashion Police might dress a skosh more fashionably, right? Giuliana wore a crimson Cavalli which got lost in the sea of red gowns. Kelly Osbourne did a bit better in plum J. Mendel. However, for someone who regularly critiques others for failing to make fashion forward choices, this safe dress felt more Lea Michele than Kelly Osbourne. Though let’s face it, none of these third tier hangers-on get first pick of the best gowns. Prettier than most ladies, how about a little Mario Lopez palette cleanser? Werk those dimples son. Joel McHale also looked dapper and fresh in his icy tux coat. Not much better than that dreadful Wonder Woman costume, Adrianne Palicki arrived in anti-photogenic satin. Super likable Connie Britton looked lovely in a deeper shade of the night’s most favored hue. For a woman her age, the face and body are damn aspirational and underrated. Minka’s old lady Christian Dior underscored the impact of Galliano’s departure on the house. This gown isn’t going to give Jeter any regrets. Usually Claire does Narciso or Calvin Klein; instead she went in a different direction with this flashy Oscar de la Renta gown. The perennially overrated Emily Blunt donned Elie Saab. Elie Saab provided many of the evening’s strongest looks, but this wasn’t one of them. Why does she always have that just-ate-a-canary mug on her face?Julie Bowen did de la Renta this year and kept the accessories minimal. Sofia Vergara rocked Wang (Vera not Alexander, obviously). Don’t match the lipstick to the dress please.For comics, Kristen Wiig impressed in ombre Zac Posen, and Amy Poehler rocked Peter Som. Her dress was featured right here on Demeter Clarc in the best of blue for Fall 2011 RTW.
Pint-sized Nina Dobrev was swallowed whole by bloodshot Donna Karan. Hate the necklace too. Margulies‘ unseasonable white Armani Privé evoked Styrofoam cup. Let’s finish strong and severe with Game of Thrones actress Lena Headey in Alessandra Rich. A different bag and belt could have catapulted her from an eight to a ten. The fantastic Christine Baranski served a seasonally appropriate dark blue Zac Posen and outshone many attendees half her age.
Even us schadenfreuders hoped Oprah’s OWN might serve up a programming highlight or two, but we’ve generously given Ms. Winfrey more than a month to win us over, and she’s already squandered most of our patience and good will. If Oprah’s foray into OWN proves nothing else, it illustrates that there is a huge difference between running a successful talk show and overseeing an entire network.The first of many problems with OWN is lack of original programming. In the age of streaming, old movies ain’t gonna cut it, and reruns of Dr. Phil definitely ain’t gonna cut it. She’d be better off showing reruns of her own show if the network needs filler. Oprah’s so technologically out of touch she quaintly believes that we’re all going to sit down and watch an edited version of Postcards From the Edge during primetime? Up against Jersey Shore, is she bananas?Let’s discuss the original programming that has aired so far. Basically, it generates hostility. The Gayle King Show is some seriously amateur shit. King’s sloppiness only serves to highlight the rather obvious coattail-riding nepotism which landed her the position in the first place. Next, tune into Season 25: Oprah Behind the Scenes and watch the production team shield Oprah from any backstage complication while simultaneously anticipating and meeting her every high-maintenance whim. Even if you liked Oprah before, you won’t after you watch this. Her staff gives new meaning to the term sycophant.OWN’s self-proclaimed mission is to “entertain, inform and inspire people to live their best lives,” but is this really the best Oprah can do?Oprah has approximately six months or less to turn things around at OWN before becoming a cautionary tale. Some have already dubbed the venture a failure, and the ratings continue to drop, but don’t count Ms. Winfrey out just yet.Oprah, first things first, you need some appointment television, and no, your reality show definitely doesn’t count. OWN needs an unmissable water cooler show. Try bankrolling forward-thinking, risky artistic projects that more conservative networks reject – find OWN’s version of Mad Men, Sex and the City, or Sons of Anarchy.Despite rumors of upcoming Tatum O’Neal and Shania Twain reality shows, Oprah has yet to bring an interesting celeb-reality entry into the programming mix. If she knew anything, she’d give Nicki Minaj her own show.OWN’s definitely squandered an opportunity on cornering the healthy lifestyle angle. How about a vegetarian cooking show? We all know you have Kathy Freston on speed dial. What about giving Michael Pollan a camera and letting him explore where our food comes from?Most importantly, where the fuck is the fashion, beauty, and interior design?Come on Oprah, we all expect more of you. Time is running out for you to salvage this disaster. Start by cutting Gayle a severance package.
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