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MET GALA 2013: punc as phuc
Tuesday, May 7th, 2013
Most people won’t get it, but Anja Rubik (in Anthony Vacarello) managed what many could not at the 2013 Met Gala. The model executed on the punk theme without falling into some of the most common sartorial traps of the evening (don’t worry, we’ll get there). The shape, color, and fabric reference punk while remaining high fashion. If this puresex look isn’t totally fuckable, you tell me what is? 
Let’s just get this GOOP out of the way right now before this candy-coated bitch drives me to distraction. I thought Paltrow swore off pink gowns after that cloying Ralph Lauren she donned for her Oscar win. Is she fucking with us? I loathe this Valentino Couture gown on so many levels I can only assume she chose it as her hate campaign uniform. Nude illusion, really girl? Pink shiny too short long sleeves? What? A puddle of bridesmaid satin pink? Incomprehensible. How is she going to sell those expensive gym memberships when the skinny bitch actually looks chubby (gasp!)?
Who the fuck did Kanye blow to get Kim in this year? So this florabomination is courtesy of Riccardo Tisci. I’m not sure we can blame him. All I can focus on is her Miss Piggy foot. Poor pregnant Kim is puffed up painfully and spilling over the edge of that shoe. The gloves are totally freaking me out. Hand camo. 
Cameron Diaz served up a spiky-waisted Stella McCartney in a bold blue cape style. I dislike how this frock is both droopy and restrictive. 
After all that Hathaway drama at the Oscars, Amanda drew upon all her Givenchy spokesbitch connections to score this archive gown. I think it is fucking genius. Suck it Anne! 
In Valentino, Anne Hathaway’s boobs channeled Madonna’s titties from the Express Yourself video, right? Do we like Annie as a blonde? I don’t hate it, but the brassy color is undoubtedly aging. 
Christina Ricci knocked on the door of the right fashion house – Vivienne Westwood – for a post-punk glam moment, but it looks like she got tangled up in the tartan. I do love the orange lip and fishnets. 
Ashley Olsen robbed a Palm Beach Socialite of her vintage Christian Dior Couture for her sherbet sparkling Met moment. In keeping with her body dismorphic trademark style, Mary-Kate wore Chanel and Balmain that was five sizes too big for her. 
I get the impression Allison Williams takes herself way too seriously. She smacks of try. The heinous piecemeal gown is Altuzarra.
Anna Wintour stuck with sequined floral Chanel, and Bee wore Dior. Can’t say I’m particularly wowed by the wicked stepsisters.
Does anyone wear clothes better and with more enthusiasm than SJP? Love her Giles Deacon gown and Phillip Treacy headpiece. 
Topshop dressed Nicole Richie. The overall styling isn’t that flattering, but I’m still oddly attracted to her white hair. Punk Glam Granny?
Opa! Here comes the flaming cheese – Beyoncé in Givenchy.
Uma Thurman looked absolutely snatched in this leafy Zac Posen. What did she do to her face?
Stella McCartney must be best friends with Liberty Ross because this outfit is obviously a revenge burn on Kristen Stewart. Is she smuggling honey-baked ham in there?
I’ve been loving me some Rita Ora lately. She not only successfully fucked-over that whiny Rob Kardashian, she looks super fresh in this white Thakoon.
Emma Watson worked her sexy, but she remained eternally adorable and demure in this Prabal Gurung. She’s our modern day Audrey. 
Miley really went for it in Marc Jacobs and it worked. Hate to admit she’s been serving something savory lately. Applause. 
Compare Miley to her contemporary Taylor Swift who looks about 53 in this old lady J. Mendel number.
Speaking of 53, Madonna came in her Givenchy costume. For a woman who hates her thighs, she sure is accentuating them in this fussy get-up. You could bounce a quarter off that face (and ass!). 
Dakota Fanning looked super cute in her Rodarte. Even though this look was understated compared to most, the simple and sweet styling stood out from the crowd. 
Here is Lena Dunham in Erdem with Erdem. The makeup is the best ever for her. 
Jessica Alba belongs on a Maxim list and nowhere else. Seriously, who wears Tory Burch to a punk themed gala? Sheesh. Why don’t you just wear Lilly Pulitizer bitch? 
Carey Mulligan is everything in Balenciaga. Die for the safety pin. It isn’t showy, but it doesn’t need to be. Fucking chic.
Lopez put a little leopard on it in Michael Kors. The girl gives good face, and I love the unusual hair Jen! Bonus points for not letting the cabana boy ruin the shot. 
May we all be this ravishing at her age. Diane von Furstenberg rolled in as a disco-dipped Mrs. Roper. 
Calm down Gisele. (From what I hear Cara brought the eight-ball).
easy fixes for big impact
Friday, July 6th, 2012
The media latched onto Madonna’s alleged tour contract rider request for a new toilet seat at each venue as if it were the most extravagant thing in the world. In truth, you can pick up a new toilet seat for next to nothing. If yours is nasty, replace it. Changing a toilet seat is simple and cheap, and so there really is no excuse for having a worn, discolored or decaying throne. The house I just moved into has wooden seats. Best believe those came off right away. I personally prefer a white seat, but a clean seat in any color or pattern will do.
How do you really get yourself or your shower clean without a detachable shower head? Masturbatory importance aside, a detachable shower head is a must. Much like a new toilet seat, a handheld shower is easy to install and is completely DIY. This fix is a cheap investment in exchange for a major upgrade in luxury. 
The final fix is a little more involved, but also well worth it under certain circumstances. First, why does every kitchen sink leak? Today the all volunteer in-house maintenance crew came and switched out the kitchen faucet from a shitty, standard, non-hand sprayer variety to a super modern style. Like the shower, I find a hand sprayer essential to effectively cleaning the kitchen sink. When he put the house on the market, the owner did a crappy glamor install on a new faucet instead of a proper job and it gushed water from beneath. Thankfully, my super skillful and handsome handyman fixed it all up and now not only does it not leak, but I have a hand sprayer pull out that I really need to be happy.
the current rotation
Friday, May 11th, 2012
Not even 100% sure I like this Actress album R.I.P. yet, but I’m giving it a go as an electronic exploration.
I’m thoroughly enjoying Santigold’s long-awaited Master of My Make Believe. SEE HER LIVE!
Spiritualized dropped a fresh album in April called Sweet Heart Sweet Light; snatch it up if you like what Spaceman’s selling.
Check out Reign of Terror from Sleigh Bells, their powerful follow up to Treats. Last time they left me hungry for more; this time around I’m sated. 
Emeli Sandé somehow manages to exceed the substantial hype surrounding her U.S. breakthrough with the sublime Our Version of Events.
You, me, your Aunt Alice, and everybody else I know is listening to Blunderbuss, Jack White’s consistently strong solo effort. 
How about a cover album from the Counting Crows? Try the country-influenced Underwater Sunshine (Or What We Did on Our Summer Vacation).
Listen to the evolution (or regression depending on your perspective) of The Mars Volta on Noctourniquet.
Had to give MDNA a spin just to see if it was as embarrassingly bad as everyone said it was. Sadly, it is. 
Even though at moments it is lyrically immature, Marina and the Diamonds’ new record Electra Heart is still big fun and has more teeth than the fluff put out by her saccharin pop contemporaries.
Not everyone will get the brilliant Julia Holter, but consider challenging your ear with Ekstasis. 
Both nostalgic and fresh sounding, The Cranberries are back with a new album titled Roses. Dolores retains her distinct and memorable vocal flavor.
A Moment with Madge
Friday, February 3rd, 2012
Did you happen to catch the fleeting clip of Madonna’s new video Give Me All Your Luvin embedded into American Idol’s commercial break last night? If not, the video is widely available online now. It is rumored she’ll debut the track at the Super Bowl. Thoughts? The song was a bit of a throwback to her earlier work with a touch of Hollaback-girl era Stefani (a comparison Madge will loathe).
Nicki left her attitude behind and brought her enthusiasm and tatas instead. 
M.I.A. on the other hand looked a little ashamed to be there in a cheerleading uniform. Some of us haven’t forgotten Toni Basil, okay.
Good wall walk sequence though. 
Golden Globes 2012: Gowns, Gams, & Guns
Monday, January 16th, 2012
Jolie served in Atelier Versace. She turned it out to pimp her directorial debut. Don’t love the shoes, but when she tries even a little she easily steals the show. 
The most improved nod goes to Heidi Klum in Calvin Klein Collection, who usually shows up to these events looking wildly out of place and heinously attired. 
Mila Kunis looked bored and made this one-strap Christian Dior boring too. She can do better, but can’t seem to shake this recent ugly frock streak. 
Let’s get the brides out of the way. First, Jessica Chastain arrived in an ill-fitting Givenchy. In recent awards seasons, Givenchy seems to lend out dresses willy-nilly and doesn’t bother to make sure they are tailored correctly. For as many style successes as they have, they have an equal number of fashion failures. 
Kate Beckinsale always brings the over-try, sponsored here by Roberto Cavalli and accompanied by Len Wiseman.
Jessica Biel wore a matrimonial Elie Saab, obviously unable to stifle her wedding enthusiasm. 
Sofia Vergara showed us the source of the Nile in Vera Wang. Sarah Michelle Gellar drowned in a big blue and white tie-dyed Monique L’huillier. 
Best grown women: Downton Abbey’s Elizabeth McGovern, Diane Lane and Madge both in Reem Acra.
Vivienne Westwood dressed Andrea Riseborough who stars in Madonna’s movie W.E.
The gorgeous Gucci girls = Salma Hayek and Evan Rachel Wood.
God bless Melissa McCarthy; she tried in Badgley Mischka. Take a cue from Octavia Spencer who looked incredible in a light lavender Tadashi Shoji. 
Modern Family’s Ariel Winter looks all grown up in Dolce & Gabbana. Shailene Woodley chose a lovely Marchesa gown, but unfortunately paired it with bad posture. 
Claire Danes deviated from her usual favorites Calvin Klein and Narciso Rodriquez in favor of this embellish-backed J. Mendel number. I’m ambivalent – love the back, hate the front. 
Michelle Williams wore Jason Wu. She should stick to Prada or Miu Miu. Is that burned out velvet? Emma Stone also failed to impress in a mediocre Lanvin gown. 
Frieda Pinto wore lapis Prada and it won’t be everyone’s favorite, but I think she’s lovely. Juliana Marguilies also chose a bold color statement with this sleek eggplant Naeem Khan.
Laura Dern sparkled in an emerald Andrew Gn gown.
Did you get the memo that Reese is reinventing herself as sexy? Zac Posen painted her red and gave her hips. 
Nicole Richie is quickly morphing into a Real Housewife of Beverly Hills. At first, I loved this Julien MacDonald metallic dress, but the more I look at it, the less excited I am, especially over that messy hem. 
Where have you been Natalie? We’ve barely seen you since you gave birth. Weird dress by Lanvin. 
Madeleine Stowe celebrated her career revival in Vera Wang. Charlize Theron is like awards show pizza; even when she’s bad she’s not that bad, and here she’s pretty decent in Dior Couture. If only she could wipe that smug-ass look off her (recently tweaked?) face. 
Oprah’s Awkward Next Chapter
Monday, January 2nd, 2012
Who watched the premiere of Oprah’s Next Chapter last night? Oprah visited Steven Tyler at his Sunapee, New Hampshire home and more often than not it was awkward and uncomfortable. First, Oprah showed up with two huge buckets full of hydrangeas “she cut herself from her garden,” as a totally random gift for the singer. Without their personal assistants to wrangle the flowers, Oprah and Steven dithered indecisively over where to set them down until eventually plopping them down next to a tree.
In case you didn’t know, Steven Tyler randomly bursts into song without provocation. Regular Oprah Winfrey Show watchers remember how embarrassing Oprah gets in the midst of live music. The two of them together made for some weird moments over the first hour. Tyler intermittently released guttural screeches, and in response Oprah froze in an uncomfortable smile, not sure of whether to do her usual pretend lip synch routine, laugh, or gaze on in admiration. 
Even though it was laced with uneasiness, we learned a few things about Steven Tyler from the interview. He believes the rest of Aerosmith envies him – a phenomenon his describes as LSD – Lead Singer Disorder. Tyler literally thinks he’s magic and proclaims he always knew he would be a famous rockstar, informing his mother of the fact as a child. In a nutshell, he totally buys into his own delusions of grandeur. As Steven pontificated on his many gifts, a wash of recognition came over Oprah as she realized he sounded like a self-aggrandizing asshole. Did the queen of self-reflection consider whether she came off equally as pompous when talking about herself? This remains to be seen. 
Later in the interview, during a ride in his antique car, Steven clasped Oprah’s hand and said, “I’m so lonely in life. I have no friends like you. I’m alone. I’m alone.” Oprah responded, “Now you’re not, cause now we will be friends.” How can you be friends with a self-important, insufferable asshole who believes musical talent and a lot of good luck makes you a superior species? And I say that with a total fondness for the delightful kooky genius that is Steven Tyler. 
During the last twenty minutes of the 2 hour program, Tyler’s new fiancé Erin Brady joined the interview. In an unexpected turn, I kinda like her.
Industry gossips say Oprah and the pockets behind the struggling network were hoping Next Chapter would improve the ratings and begin to turn things around at OWN. While the interviews may perform decently in the ratings, this is not Oprah at her best. And I don’t think I’m the first to wonder if much like Madonna, her best days are done. 
MET GALA 2011: LONG LIVE MCQUEEN
Monday, May 2nd, 2011
Michelle Williams put a bird on it. 
Daphne Guinness and SJP in McQueen.
A disastrous Blake and shimmery Anna in Chanel (psst, saw it here first Feb 3rd). 
Newd hued for the youngsters.
This is not the couples portion of the pageant B. 
Madonna and that other Guy. 
Marc Jacobs and Robert Duffy send a nod of the knee to McQueen’s heritage. Tux on top, tartan down low.
The Christinas. Ricci>Hendricks
Kristen Stewart sliced through the party in Proenza Schouler.
Paltrow repped Stella McCartney.
More beige-y neutrality from Zellweger and Hayek (also in McQueen), but Salma’s just-fucked hair was the best of the night. 
JLO served severity and overkill. Bleeding Armadillo. 
An unexceptional showing from the supermodels: Gisele, Naomi, Carolyn, and Miranda. 
Hey Kayne.