Tag Archives: manners

Demeter Clarc Manners Moment: cue compassion

FUTURAMA SOCIAL CUESAt work yesterday, I had an encounter with a man illiterate at reading basic social cues.  My unqualified armchair diagnosis is that he may suffer from a mild form of Asperger syndrome.  This is my second interaction with him, and I suspect that I will continue to see him professionally in the future.  I have compassion for this man, but he makes me uncomfortable.  After we complete our initial salutations, he just stands there and stares intently and asks inappropriate questions.  His inquiry is well-meaning, but invasive.  I struggle with how to respond.  The awkwardness is compounded by the presence of other people listening.  Even though I intentionally break eye contact and busy myself with other matters, he just. keeps. staring.  The boundary-crossing interrogation continues until he is forced to stop by interruption of someone else requiring my attention.  He is at once creepy, annoying, and harmless.   STARING PROBLEMClearly the universe has repeatedly put this man in my path to teach me a lesson.  Patience?  Compassion?  A test of my ability to maintain my own healthy limits when challenged?  While I try to decipher this dharmic dickslap, I’ll try to remain polite yet resolved in the protection of my own privacy and integrity.  Any additional insights from DC readers with experience in such matters is always valued and appreciated. SUPERIOR EMOTIONAL IQ

TG TRUTH

STICK A FORK IN ITSo now that it is over, can we admit a few truths about Thanksgiving?  I hear a lot of people say that Thanksgiving is their favorite holiday.  When you peel away all the layers of butter and get to the core intention of gratitude, I understand the appeal of the holiday.  However in my practical experience, Thanksgiving celebrations rarely reflect that core intention.THANKSGIVING MYTHOne of the most annoying aspects of Thanksgiving is the collective white-washing we find so comforting with regard to the historical facts surrounding early settlers’ contact with native people.  Why are we still spewing this happy pilgrim / helpful native bullshit?  Not to get all preachy, but how ’bout we use Thanksgiving to highlight other examples of neo-colonialist exploitation happening right now?  Or better yet, take a trip to a Reservation and show the kiddies how great it worked out for those helpful “Indians.”  Even though this isn’t a new criticism, there’s still no new narrative. PILGRIM BULLSHITThanksgiving has become more a celebration of gluttony than gratitude.  Now I’m going in on the food  – which if you actually think about it is really disgusting.  The traditional Thanksgiving spread is a depressing two note tune.  SWEET or SAVORY.  There is usually nothing raw, scant spice, and little in the way of contrast.  Veggies drown in heavy sauces or casseroles.  Fruits slug through sugary syrups.  Almost everything else is brown or white.  Every year experts hotly debate the best way to prepare a moist turkey.  Brine?!  Parchment?!  Deep fry?!  Newsflash.  Any which way you prepare the turkey it will be dry and gross.  That’s because turkey is innately dry and gross.  No amount of submerging, poking, or braising the bird will change this eternal truth.  I watch people saw away at dry turkey every year.  No one ever compliments the turkey.  They compliment everything but the turkey.TURKEY REMNANTS

The art of conversation is apparently lost.  People truly don’t know how to communicate with one another anymore.  A series of rapid-fire questions isn’t a conversation; it’s an interrogation.  Don’t force me talk about being a vegetarian when everyone at the table is eating meat.  Don’t ask about work.  This isn’t a job interview.  I hate small talk.  There is an art to finding interesting and inclusive topics of conversation.  Engaging the group requires social tactical skill.  Cultivate it.  Myself included.  DEAD CONVERSATION

 

Demeter Clarc Manners Moment: Don’t Post About Your Friends Without Permission

BACKSTABBERWow.  I really shit the bed you guys.  A couple of weeks ago, I threw up a post willy nilly that hurt my friend’s feelings.  I’m concerned I’ve done irreparable damage to the relationship.  I’m heartsick at the thought because I truly love, value, respect, and honor this person.  This woman is generous, kind, intelligent, caring, and fun, so I’m a real asshole for hurting her feelings.DON'T BE MADOver dinner with other friends, one of my nearest and dearest leveled that she thought is was definitely off-side that I hadn’t given our other friend a head’s up on the post.  Duly Noted.  In fairness, if someone put me on blast on the internet, I would be IRATE.  Hypocrisy is just another of my more charming qualities.A TRUE FRIENDMy friend is super pissed and she has every right to be.  I have apologized in writing because she understandably isn’t interested in talking to me right now.  I hope she gives me the opportunity to make amends in person.  I make really good amends.FORGIVE METo this dear and cherished friend:  I apologize.  I was wrong.  I mishandled the situation.  My intention was never to hurt you, and I feel terribly that I did through my own thoughtlessness.  I hope you will forgive me because you are like a sister.I'M SORRYIf it makes you feel better you can call me a bitch on Facebook.  I deserve it.CALL ME A BITCH

Monday Morning Management Meeting: Put the Cookie Down

WON'T EATI attended a meeting the other day.  As a rough estimate, there were about 40 or so people there.  The professional gathering lasted just over 90 minutes.  During the brief assembly a number of people snacked.  This is a fit crowd and not a bunch of sedentary cubicle dwellers.  Still, they munched.  Some nibbled on some really smelly and random shit.  Like did that bitch just pull out a salmon roll? BUG SUSHI When did eating every second of the day become appropriate?  Barring some sort of specific health requirement, there isn’t any constructive reason to self-soothe through a meeting with food.  I never heard of anyone dying of starvation from waiting a whole 90 minutes between meals.  Furthermore because we care about manners here at Demeter Clarc, it’s rude to eat in front of others and not share.  If you don’t have enough raspberries for the room, then put them away.  GIMME SOME

Demeter Clarc Manners Moment: don’t stand so close to me.

STANDING IN LINELately, a number of pushy women have been breathing down my neck.  I am a person who needs a minimum of a 24″ buffer between my body and anybody else.  A couple of weeks ago at the airport, I was walking through security.  The huffy woman behind me kept pushing me with her bag.  One bump is an accident.  Two bumps gets an eyeroll.  Three bumps deserves an audible exhale.  Bump me again and your ass is going to get bumped back (lest I remind you of the 2012 Music Midtown Beatdown.)  HAIR PULLToday at the post office this older woman was literally breathing down my neck.  I use “literally” correctly and appropriately here as I could feel the bitch’s hot breath draping my shoulders like a death shroud.   Does standing thisclose make these huffy muffies feel like they are going to get through the line any sooner?  LADY IN THE FRONT WILL CUT YOUI naturally can’t help but antagonize these self-important cows by doubling the distance between myself and the person in front of me just to drive home the point.  Stop tailgaiting bitch.  This ain’t a BBQ.CREEPY SMILE

Demeter Clarc Manners Moment: Don’t Raise a Dickhead

KIDS YOGARecently, I invited kids to join a class I usually teach for adults.  I’m not a fan of pandering to children, so I expect the youngsters attending my class will demonstrate a modicum of self-control and respect.  In general, I treat kids as capable beings.  That’s why I blame parents when I observe many children have not been taught how to properly greet another human.MEET THE KIDSFor example I’ll say: “Hi kids, welcome to class, nice to see you again.  Thanks for joining us.”  No eye contact.  No response.  These children range in age from 6-10 years old and are quite capable of an age-appropriate level of social interaction with adults.  The accompanying parent, a highly intelligent, insightful, and successful person, makes no effort to corral the children for a proper greeting.  I find this unbelievably shocking.  Without exception, children must learn to respectfully acknowledge adults.  I need some eye contact and a bonjour at the very least.  PLEASED TO MEET YOUEven though it is fully possible that the kiddos ignore me because I’m a child-hating cunt, I’ll just humbly offer that no one is twisting their arms to come to this class and they attend quite voluntarily and enthusiastically.  So even though I am a mean witch, I haven’t revealed my broom to the little ones just yet.  This clearly isn’t a personal rebuff, but routinely rude behavior.  Unfortunately, these kids just haven’t been taught proper manners.  HI THEREObviously, parents resent advice from non-parents, but non-parents resent having to deal with rude children, so let’s just agree to call it even.  Remember: little assholes grow up to be big assholes.  We are all counting on you not to raise a dickhead.  Don’t let us down.    HOW RUDE

Demeter Clarc Manners Moment: Graciousness

GRACIOUSLuckily lately, I’ve been on the receiving end of a number of kind gestures.  I’m seeing someone new (Hi Ty).  He opens EVERY door.  He doesn’t make a grand show of it, and he doesn’t just do it when other people are watching.  That said,  you should see the jealous looks of the lady onlookers and the shame-drenched expressions smeared across the faces of their discourteous mates when he gallantly walks out of his way to my side of the car and gently guides me inside. CAR DOORLast weekend in Chicago, The French Pastry School’s newest intern, my dear friend Michael, walked me back to my hotel late-night style even though it was out of his way.  Before you chalk it all up to unabashed pussy collecting, let me stop you there.  He’s gay, in a committed relationship, and could give a fuck about my puffed pastry.  He did it because he is kind and gracious.  If you are a certain kind of man, it’s just what you do. THE FRENCH PASTRY SCHOOL

Accepting an open door doesn’t mean you are a helpless waif who can’t open it yourself.  Nobody is asking you to give away your power.  Find the power in receiving. COAT ON THE PUDDLE

In the spirit of graciousness, let someone ease your burdens and seize opportunities to ease the burdens of others.  In a hate-filled and spiteful world, shock others with good old-fashioned courtesy. JACKET HELP

Demeter Clarc Manners Moment: it’s just really expensive to feed you

Thank our girl Blanche for this one folks.  Early in February, Blanche received a tacky save-the-date email from two betrothed friends.  At the end of March, she received this email from the couple:

Hi Everybody!

We have decided to cut back the scope of our wedding and are now planning an alternative ceremony with immediate family and will be canceling the July 19 ceremony.

What started as a desire to throw a simple party for friends and family quickly grew into something neither of us wanted and no longer represented the evening we had in mind.  Thank you for all your love and support!  We love all of you, it’s just really expensive to feed you :)

With love,

(names withheld to protect the guilty)

Where to begin with this?  G-SUS.  Yeah, let it wash over you.  Rub it in your skin.  The pair has the audacity to disinvite guests whom they’ve already asked to save-the-date.  To add another layer of grime to the email, they dangle the morsel that they will still be having a festive little clan gathering, you just don’t warrant an inner-circle invite.  If that weren’t enough, the reason you can’t come is because you eat too much.  Well fuck you too then.  And don’t expect a gift either. 

 

 

Demeter Clarc Manners Moment: Did You Seriously Just Fart?

Quick question, when did it become appropriate to let unrestrained farts fly in mixed company?  Just wondering, because lately dudes (in particular) have been loudly farting nearby and don’t seem to give a fuck who hears. To be clear, the offering isn’t a joke – like a ha-ha toot and run.  No, we’re talking unabashed shameless flatulence.  I notice all you “clean” eaters are especially unlimited in your willingness to share your exhaust.  Look, nobody wishes to suffer through painful bloating with no release, but can a mutherfucker please muffle that ass?  G-sus.