Best dressed goes to Julie Bowen for her flattering and original Catherine Malandrino jumpsuit. Julie gets the prize because this may be the best she’s ever looked. Hitting her fashion stride, the choice highlighted her toned arms and tiny waist. 
Christina Hendricks also deserves compliments for reining in her (allegedly enhanced) rack in this elegant long-sleeved L’wren Scott gown. Modern and slimming, a much-improved showing for our Joanie. 
Yeah, yeah, Mila looked great in Alexander McQueen. Finally, she picked a gown that does her justice. She’ll be the obvious contender for “best dressed” among the mainstream critics. 
It wouldn’t be a proper awards show without a Demeter Clarc selection making the cut. This time Julia Stiles worked this Monique L’huillier ombre from the Pre-Fall 2011 collection. Don’t love the uninspired hair, but she gives good gown. 
A trio of cap-sleeved gowns appeared on January Jones, Jenna Fischer, and Nicole Kidman. Jayma Mayes and Jennifer Lawrence worked detailed variations of the theme. None were particularly spectacular. 
On the fug continuum, Jayma sits on the least offensive end and Jenna on the way, way, way other side. 
Heather Morris, Kyra Sedgwick, and Sarah Hyland served sexy strapless. Tina Fey, Winona Ryder, Claire Danes, Dianna Agron, Julianna Margulies, and Natalie Portman sucked all the seduction out of the silhouette. Angie Harmon suffered from a serious case of overcompensation. I’m so mad at Winona. 
The one-shoulder women, tasteful Hilary Swank wearing Versace, and budget Kim Kardashian in Marchesa. 
While originality is always appreciated, the most interesting part of Eva Longoria’s Georges Hobeika gown was estimating how much titty tape went into tacking that strap down. 
Sophia Vergara joked that she makes everything look like Cavalli. Unfortunately, that means she makes Cavalli look like Jovani. Lea Michele came with a whole different take on the deep-V in Oscar de la Renta. Overall, it was a very de la Renta-heavy evening. 
Calvin Klein Collection provided intense color and clean lines resulting in two of the most refreshing looks of the evening – Emma Stone and Claire Danes. 
The two biggest disappointments were Jennifer Lawrence in Louis Vuitton and Scarlett Johansson in Elie Saab. These were not the most offensive gowns of the evening, but neither selection does its wearer justice. Since this was one of Scarjo’s first appearances post-divorce announcement, her failure to turn it out is really inexcusable. 
More than ever, these mega-gowns feel really antiquated. Catherine Zeta-Jones goes to prom in Monique L’huillier…
Eva Longoria looks like she’s dragging her grief behind her in this Zac Posen. 
Who invited Hewitt?
Awkward and abysmal asymmetry abounded; unfortch, no one executed this look correctly.
Julianne Moore tried her best to work a Lanvin dress that was in desperate need of a good steam. Nicole Kidman bored us in Prada.
Granny gown girls: Leighton Meester misfired again in Burberry and Michelle Williams continues her defiantly unappealing streak in Valentino. 
The two most overrated? Sophia Vergara in Vera loves-a-sash Wang and Angelina Jolie in Versace. Hey Angie, Joan Collins called and demanded you return her gown. 
The most stylish and appropriately dressed youngin’ was Hailee Steinfeld in Prabal Gurung. Sarah Hyland could have used some guidance away from this fug Max Azria. 
Many folks will criticize Natalie Portman’s Viktor & Rolf gown, but who can be mad at this feminine display of whimsy? Olivia Wilde deviated from the crowd with this full-skirted, sparkly, starry night Marchesa gown. 
The Glee girls gave good gownage. 
This week Rachel was on the hunt for the best gowns for the 2010 Oscars. She proclaimed a white obsession and declared everyone should have a white moment on the red carpet. According to her, everyone looks good in white. The truth is most people look like shit in white. A rare woman wears white head-to-toe well, and it ain’t exactly slimming. Occasionally, white works and when it does it can be admittedly spectacular. More often than not, it evokes the inevitable and dreaded bridal comparisons and should be avoided.
First, Rachel sycophantically gushed over the brilliant Oscar de la Renta, but it was slightly less annoying than usual since he actual deserves it. As expected, Oscar served gown after delicious gown, but really only one princess gown stood out as a possible Oscar option. 
After the show, Rachel, Rodger, and Brad piled into an SUV to go ten blocks to the Michael Kors show. Despite sitting in gridlock traffic less than a mile away, it didn’t occur to the West Coasters to get out and walk to make it on time. The three self-important assholes rolled in late and rude, even though all the editors and other fashion folk seemed to make it on time under identical circumstances. On the way out, Zoe complained loudly about people sweating them for their bad manners and tardiness.
Rodger and Rachel’s sister, Pam, went to Kiki de Montparnasse to find something sexy for Rachel. The thought of emaciated, wrinkly, Rachel ensconced in lingerie is enough to conjure the heaves (Rachel Zoe presents the Refugee Collection). The lubricious salesgirl wasted no time breaking out an “intimacy kit” complete with vibrator. 
Mortified, Rodger moved on to the French Maid getup, before settling on a simple black camisole and lace thong that he could have bought anywhere. Proving he’s at least forty percent queen, Rodger closed the sale by saying, “We should get this because it is sexy, and she can definitely wear this with a Chanel jacket and be happy.”
Next, Brad (sans Rachel and thus relegated to the 5th row) at Derek Lam. Brad fixated on the modern white drapey cowl-neck high collar gown for Cameron Diaz, which was amazing (and was coincidentally included in Demeter Clarc’s selections of the best Fall 2010 gowns). Despite the gown’s dopeness, it obviously wasn’t right for Cameron or the Oscars. Brad says Taylor made him look incompetent, but so far he’s done just fine proving his lack of artistic vision. His picks are off, and that’s why you should never trust a gay man to do a woman’s job. Brad excels at dressing men, and that’s where he should turn his focus.
Rachel rushed waaaaay down market to style her QVC fashion show. The collection looked cheap, budget, and utterly home shopping. This should prove once and for all that this woman’s style and certainly her design talent, are greatly exaggerated. Admit it, the collection was not hot.
For their anniversary, Marisa gave Rodger and Rachel a DVD of their 1998 St. Barts honeymoon. Rachel was barely recognizable in the video describing herself as “a brunette with no wrinkles.” 
After, Rachel and Rodger traded gifts. Rachel bought Rodger a gift, and a gift for herself from Rodger – rose gold and diamond handcuffs. 
When Rodger busted out the Kiki de Montparnasse box, Rachel recoiled in horror repeating the mantra “not wearing it.” When Rodger pulled the relatively benign cami out of the box Rachel’s panic subsided, but she batted down his attempt to show the thong. Can we agree that a sex tape staring these two would be the least erotic thing ever?
Rachel seemed pretty disappointed with her gifts until Rodger busted out a custom Barbie doll fashioned in her image. First Dylan McKay’s Porsche, then Rachel Barbie, gentlemen take note.
That evening at Donna Karan, Rachel chirped, “Hey Beauty!” to the likes of Demi Moore, Susan Sarandon, and Brooke Shields reminding us that Zoe herself is more hired-help than style star. Rodger and Rachel told anybody who would listen about their wedding anniversary, and then feigned surprised when congratulated, exclaiming how nice it was that everyone remembered.
Pam sat Rachel down and gave her a serious talking to regarding her reproductive future. Rachel blames her hectic schedule on her childless womb, but she probably just doesn’t want to get fat or quit smoking. Hermès, Chanel, Balenciaga, these are Rachel’s babies. 
Getting ready for Marc Jacobs, Rachel vacillated between hair-up or hair-down, with the majority of Team Zoe preferring the hair up so as not to compete with the ruffled shoulder. 
Considering the jacket choice, her hair did look better up, and that’s how she walked out the door. However, moments later in the car, the hair was down. How can you trust a stylist that cannot style herself?
The next morning, Brad broke the news of a ban on white gowns at the Oscars. Rachel whined, “I hate no white.” Fear not, she utilized the Lam in this Bazaar spread with Atwood.
Wrapping things up at 
The changes at Camp Zoe precipitated a shopping trip to cleanse Taylor’s energy with “new looks.” Rachel settled on “glam rock,” and Brad was pressured into “lesbian DJ chic.” In reality, Zoe served bony Fraggle, and Brad gave us last year’s Eurotrash.
Once the new looks were procured, attention turned to dressing the 2010 Golden Globe attendees: Kate Hudson, Cameron Diaz, Jennifer Garner, and possibly Paula Patton.
Brad welcomed Ashley to her first day at the Zoe asylum. His very first words of advice were a cryptic warning to watch out for Taylor when she’s out pulling styles for the Globes.
Rachel planned on an architectural Marchesa for Kate Hudson. Even though she already had it in a bold and unique berry flavor, she insisted on getting it remade in white. For Cameron, Rachel and Brad eyed a red cap-sleeved McQueen gown. Garner apparently had a dress boner for some lilac (looked grey) beaded Versace that still needed to be lined. Four attendees and no confirmed dresses sent Rachel into an unnecessary fit of anxiety. She ordered an immediate edit, dividing the great from the mediocre on the racks.
Ashley tried to add her opinion, but her input was drowned out by Rachel and Brad’s “so mayjahs!” While rolling in the racks, Paula Patton was confirmed as an attendee, and Rachel immediately delegated dressing her to the newbie Ashley. Crystal Gayle-haired Ashley stopped by Starworks to collect wardrobe options for Paula Patton. She pulled tent after shapeless tent for the pregnant Paula; none of it looking particularly Globe-worthy.
Rachel obsessed over some Versace gown that she had only peeped in a sketch. From the sketch alone, it was obvious this dress was totally inappropriate for the Globes and Cameron Diaz. Why would Cameron Diaz wear a long-sleeved grey granny gown to the Globes? The sacred dress was accidentally handed off to the wrong courier at the hotel, and Team Zoe lost their proverbial shit trying to find it. Finally Lucio, Versace’s rep, called with the news that the dress had taken a sojourn to Malibu to visit Pierce Brosnan, but had been located and was on its way. As soon as it arrived, wrinkled, grey, long-sleeved, and matte, it was abundantly clear that the dress would never work. After all the unnecessary drama, Rachel dismissed the dress and Lucio with a squint eye and flip of the hand.
During Brad’s extra homosexual pilates lesson, he had an epiphany that he should encourage Ashley to speak up and voice her opinion. When Ashley arrived the next morning, Brad explained that he brings the gay man’s perspective, but Ashley needed to vocalize the female perspective because he did not wear women’s clothes. Really Brad?
Brad broke the news to Rachel that Taylor is dressing a producer for the Golden Globes. Rachel soured at the notion and then announced she was too busy taking the high road. She told Rodger, “I hate the high road.” If this is Rachel taking the high road, what does it look like when she rolls in the gutter? 
Brad called Rachel and informed her that the dress they pulled for Cammie was from Alexander McQueen Autumn/Winter 09. Rachel declared this unacceptable, even though any stylist worth her Gucci would know what collection that McQueen came from the minute it entered the showroom. Even if it is “archive,” if it hasn’t been photographed, who gives a fuck? 
Zoe favorite Molly Sims stopped by to collect looks for the Art of Elysium and InStyle parties. Molly declared, “I’m not nominated, I’m not presenting…” No shit you aren’t nominated or presenting. Seriously, who did you blow to even get invited? Sims hung all over “Bradley,” and whirled around the studio slipping in and out of gowns. One of the most frustrating things about this show is that they never pick the best look! This was the best look.
However, this ill-fitting, blue, upholstered Ports 1961 mess was selected for Art of Elysium, and a shapeless Marchesa tent for the Globes party. We all know you are trying to get into Weinstein’s good graces, but please stop trying to make Marchesa happen. Wearing Marchesa to the Globes is like wearing Jessica McClintock to prom.
Bieber-haired Rodger tried to get reacquainted with his nutsack by watching the playoffs with the boys. In a hyper display of masculinity, Rodger scooped up his friend’s baby, cradled it gently, and insisted on taking a picture and sending it to Rachel.
Rain clouds gathered, and this sent Team Zoe into a tizzy, declaring the weather “not fair” and a “nightmare!” The idea of her clients encumbered by holding up their gowns and the money shots cluttered with umbrellas caused Rachel to dub the entire event a “fashion disaster!”
Team Zoe gathered on the couch to see the attendees work the carpet. First Cam in the red McQueen: this is a gorgeous dress, but we can agree that these are the wrong shoes. As you already know, red lips with a red dress is a no-no; a softer lip was needed to avoid looking garish. 
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