Tag Archives: marriage

On the Lam, Over the Threshold

GIUDICE PRISONTeresa Giudice spent her first night in federal prison last night.  Have you ever spent a night in jail?  It is so dirty and terrifying.  (No, I didn’t get a DUI.  I know what you are thinking – assault charge!)  I could not make it a year in jail.  The temporary nature and constant influx of inmates makes jail crazy chaos.  Federal prison is surely a more orderly and structured experience, but any style incarceration makes one day feel like one week.  Teresa’s sentenced to over year.  Another downside to fame, you can’t go on the lam.  I’d so be on the lam.  Sometimes I think about where I might lam off to.  Certainly not Mexico.  Iceland?  Switzerland?  Argentina?  Thailand?POKEY

DIAZ MADDENBenji and Cam got married.  Cammie D has been preaching the single girl gospel for years and now she runs off and marries some tubby third rate rocker who hasn’t seen a hit in a decade?  I’m so annoyed.  What’s next?  Fertility treatments?  So standard issue, Cam, really I’m disappointed.  I’m not surprised though, recently she has been looking really desperate, and it’s been one professional failure after another as of late.  Eh em, Annie.CAM ANNIE

 

on friendship: shitty, mediocre, or exemplary?

TALKING SHITSome hateful bitches are talking smack about you.  A shitty friend adds to the gossip.  A mediocre friend remains sheepishly silent.  An exemplary friend ferociously defends you. CLUELESS FALLYou trip and fall flat on your ass in front of a crowd of people.  A shitty friend laughs.  A mediocre friend backs away fearing contamination by third-party embarrassment.  An exemplary friend scoops you up, asks if you are alright, and loudly proclaims “nothing to see here” as she escorts you to the bar for a recovery drink.JENNY MCCARTHY ENGAGEDYou get engaged and share the news.  A shitty friend informs you she slept with your fiancé a few years ago.  A mediocre friend offers a bland congratulations.  An exemplary friend says “I’m so happy for you” and really means it.  DADYour Dad dies.  A shitty friends sends you a sympathetic text.  A mediocre friend sends flowers.  An exemplary friend sends weed. BAG OF WEED

 

The Current Rotation: Nuptial

DIXIE CUPSThe Dixie Cups ♥ Chapel of LoveQUEENS OF THE STONE AGE WHITE WEDDINGWhite Wedding ♥ Queens of the Stone AgeBRIDGE OVER TROUBLED WATERBridge Over Troubled Water ♥ Aretha FranklinLET'S GET MARRIED AL GREENLet’s Get Married ♥ Al GreenYEAH YEAH YEAHS WEDDING SONGWedding Song ♥ Yeah Yeah Yeahs

The disturbing morph of Cat Power into Aggy Deyn?

Caught Cat Power the other night and she was her usual hot mess.  I was so distracted by her morph into Aggy Deyn, I barely paid attention to her manic distractions.  Check it.  Above Cat Power.  Below Aggy Deyn.  

Spookily similar right?

We know that Ribisi formerly dated Mizz Chan for several years….

…before quickly wedding Aggy Deyn after courting for only a heartbeat.

Just saying this whole scene is a little Single White Female

3 for Thursday

How exciting is this whole Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes split?  Is it just a coincidence the marriage lasted right around 5 years just like the rumored contract?  Let’s hope with the end of this marriage comes the end of Katie’s blank-ass expression, mediocre clothing line, and non-acting career.  She used to be so adorable and ripe with potential and talent.  Rumored reasons for the split?  Tom sending Suri to Sea Org?!  Surveillance assigned to Tom’s adopted daughter Isabella?!  Isolation insisted upon by the Church of Scientology? Some juicy morsels are bound to surface from the swirl of this sure-to-be messy separation.  In the meantime, we’ll just count the days until Suri’s tell-all.  You know Travolta has got to be relieved to have the Church leaders distracted with this new wave of bad press and defection.Did you catch the premiere of season 2 of Episodes this week?  I watched season 1 of this weird little series last year and was hesitant to recommend it to you because the pace is a bit glacial in the beginning.  I wasn’t a Friends fan, so I’m not recommending the Matt LaBlanc show out of some sort of misplaced loyalty.  The supporting players are the true highlight – particularly Daisy Haggard, who basically makes me shit my pants every time she appears on screen.  Episodes is worth a watch, especially when conveniently paired with….

Lisa Kudrow’s Web Therapy.  I still drag The Comeback out every so often and burn through that underrated gem.  Web Therapy scratches a similar itch.  The premiere boasts appearances from players like Rosie O’Donnell, Meryl Streep, and returning cast member Alan Cumming.  Most of the show is improvised by skilled comics, but even among the best in the biz, Kudrow anchors the comedy with the genius affectations of therapist Fiona Wallice.

And please schedule your DVR to record The Real L Word season 3 premiere July 12th because that hot mess of lesbian drama is an annual tradition here at DC.

 

 

What about the GAYS Brange?

By now, you’ve surely heard that Brad and Angie are engaged.  How boring, predictable, and smacking of PR strategy.  No one has forgotten that stupid leg Angelina, no one.  Nor that neither of you make movies I actually want to see anymore.It wasn’t even a year ago Brad was on the Ellen DeGeneres show proclaiming with nobility how he wouldn’t marry until the gays could.

What about the gays Brad?  What about the gays!?

Blaming the kids, the couple abandoned their support of those denied the opportunity.  Kids want a lot of things – chocolate, toys, attention.  Wait five minutes and they’ll want something new.  Really shitty to abandon the gays.  Really shitty indeed.  Here’s the ring, since that’s all some of you bitches care about.  No judgment, I was curious too.  I’m almost too distracted by the freaky, vein-snaggled claw to even notice the ring.

Demeter Clarc Manners Moment: The Rules of Engagement

With the New Year comes the inevitable flood of engagement announcements.  Word trickled out that boring Biel and Timberlake got engaged in Wyoming.  Always-the-bride-never-the-bridesmaid Drew Barrymore and her boyfriend Will Kopelman also allegedly agreed to marry.  Trawick recently sprung a diamond on Britney, and Matthew slid carats on Camila’s finger too.

So let’s have a chat about a proper proposal shall we?  These rules apply hetero or homo or any which way.  Here at Demeter Clarc we believe you can put your dick wherever you like as long as you do so politely.  Without further ado, the rules of engagement:

1) Do not piggyback on the excitement of another holiday.  No rings under the tree.  Don’t double down on a birthday.  Don’t plunder the thunder of another fun day because you are too damn lazy to come up with an interesting proposal.2) Don’t ever hide the ring in food.  Fucking fromage yo.  This approach is not only lazy, but also a choking hazard.  Nobody wants to wait a couple days to “pass” an engagement ring before showing friends.3) Ask a parent.  Now this is going to be a controversial position, but hear me out, okay?  Approaching the parents first is a respectful and deferential gesture.  By going to the parents prior to proposing, it provides them an opportunity to voice any concerns and feel heard.  Now maybe you don’t want to hear what they have to say?  Well, hear this; the parents will have their say one way or another.  Either give them the opportunity early on or hear the truth after they get three cocktails deep into the engagement party.4) Don’t hijack other events and turn them into your engagement party.  Yes, you must announce your engagement, but I’ve been to more than one event where a self-important, love-dazed couple decided to announce their engagement to the room at a totally non-related event.  It’s weird and kinda rude.  And it kinda means you have to invite all those people to the wedding.5) Prepare for a range of reactions.  To be totally dead honest with you, when most people inform me of their engagements I give good congratulations and best wishes, but inside I’m humming the death march to freedom’s funeral.  And I’m not even a jaded divorcee who would very much like to tell you where to shove all that bright-eyed engagement talk.