Tag Archives: Mehran

Tori & Dean: Hola Hattie

Tori enjoyed a charity-laced baby shower with her Mom and friends at the table.  Candy correctly predicted the sex of the baby.  She seemed genuinely happy to be part of the pregnancy this time around.  Count this as one of the very, very, very few genuine moments in a season filled with orchestrated hour-long shill fests.We are supposed to believe that an extra-pregnant Tori set up an elaborate mother-daughter tea party complete with hanging tree decorations, a well-appointed table, and pink frosted cupcakes.  The production assistants on this show must be some of the most thankless and exhausted.Stella was an adorable hostess and fully redeemed herself from any unsavory behavior in the past weeks. The PAs were extra tired setting up the tea party because they spent all night crafting this paper mache volcano for Liam to destroy in thirty seconds while playing scientist with baking soda and vinegar.  Mommy-son time was slightly less touching than the mother-daughter moment, but Liam promised, in his own way, to stop being such an asshole.  Tori and Dean reportedly paid $2.4 million for a little over 2,000 square feet on 1.75 acres of mega-valuable Malibu land.  It is rumored they sold their Encino home featured on the show for $2.5 million, a $450,000 loss from the $2.9 million they reportedly paid in oh-eight.  Think the lingering stench of goat shit had anything to do with the hit they took?Liam was not thrilled with the drastic cut in square footage and protested at the idea of sharing a room with Stella.  I don’t blame him.  He’s what, 2 to 3 years from getting into some serious self-wang touching?  Let the kid have some privacy, jeesh.  Dean wasn’t having any of Liam’s stank attitude even though Tori had second thoughts about the kids’ proposed sleeping arrangement.  Stella declared she’s born to be nice.  Liam was born to be…

Let’s just agree to shelve kids.

Tori couldn’t even take time off from career-waffling to give birth.  This week she designed her own superfug asymmetrical birthing gown with snap-away shoulder. 

This is like a horror movie.  I can’t.  Let’s just move on.

Mom and baby meet for the first time cheek to cheek.

Mehran is thrilled about the fashion possibilities a girl brings. Why are they so rough with the babies?  Chill.  It is a newborn not a salt scrub. 

The big finale involved a lot of glossing over of major events.  We saw none of the house buying-selling negotiations.  Why did Tori’s two girlfriends rep her on the sale of her home, but a different agent repped her on the Malibu purchase?  Did things get messy with the girls?  Also, we weren’t privy to much marriage drama this season, but I don’t think it was for lack of conflict.  Dean’s story arc began and ended with the kitchen.  What’s really going on here?  I smell something funny and it ain’t Dean’s frittatas.  This white-washed version of reality felt like a bunch of staged moments spliced together to create the impression of a perfect life for a perfect sales pitch.  Are we buying?  

Tori & Dean: Old McDermott Had a Farm

Mehran visited Old McDermott’s mini-farm and finally articulated what we’ve all been wondering.  What is the deal with the indoor/outdoor livestock? Do they really think they are going to recreate the Beekman in Encino?  Bitch please.  Do guests just politely pretend her house doesn’t smell like animal feces?Tori countered Mehran’s inquiry by explaining she wanted the kids to grow up around animals.  She doesn’t quite seem to grasp that goats aren’t lap pets – especially when you are four months pregnant. Tori hosted a meeting with HSN product-pusher Pulsar.  During the presentation, Totes McGoats nibbled on the mood boards.  This leads us to Tori’s career lark of the week: parties in a box.  Is anyone else surprised that last week Tori covered the Royal Wedding and this week she’s trying to launch the same business model that made the Middletons their millions?  Tori moves forward with these inane ideas without any sense of self-awareness.  Evidently, no one has the heart to tell her that she lacks the experience, follow through, and commitment to launch any of these half-cocked notions into successful ventures. In a blatant cross-promotional bonanza, Patti Stanger appeared under the pretense of matching MehranTori and Patti sifted through the best of the very limited pool of potential dates and invited them to a mixer.   From there, Mehran chose two guys to meet one-on-one for cocktails.  Mehran conveniently chose the same location for drinks as the surprise baby shower that he and Tori planned for InvenTori manager Sally SmoodyTori and Sally wore conspicuously large hats, and Tori waived her cell phone around wildly as part of the most non-stealth spy mission ever attempted. Tori escorted Sally upstairs and “surprised” her with her shower, which was actually just a huge product placement for her gay husbands’ baby PR firm and her party planning book.  Tori orchestrated a seance for her 38th birthday.  Guests, including Jeff Lewis, came dressed as their favorite horror movie characters.  Tori dressed as Mia Farrow from Rosemary’s Baby, Mehran chose Damien from The Omen, and the one costume that will haunt me in my nightmares: Liam channeled Chucky.  

Tori & Dean: nobody cares

Tori and Dean made it through the Ann Curry portion of their appearance on the Today Show without having to field any pregnancy questions. During the 4th hour, the couple wasn’t so lucky.  Without a hint of irony after just bragging about how honesty is the cornerstone to their reality show’s popularity, Tori denied the pregnancy to an overly inquisitive Kathy Lee.  Is she under an obligation to inform the public of the status of her baby farm?  Of course not, but is she insulting us all by appearing on live television with what looks like a 5 month pregnancy bump and denying what is obviously and apparently true?  Yes.  Wanna keep your pregnancy a secret?  Then reschedule your press junket fame whore. Tori turned to Dean for support, but he just stammered.  The consummate professional, Tori fibbed that they weren’t currently expecting, but they were working on it.  After an awkward beat or two, Kathy Lee wrapped the segment and Tori stumbled off set looking extra nauseous. After the Today Show appearance, Tori and Mehran hit up a string of meetings.  First up, the two met with a potential new manufacturer for Little Maven.  The current manufacturer filed for bankruptcy, so this meeting was a last ditch effort to save the Tori-plays-kids-designer project.  Next came the purse conference, because the world needs another purse line like the world needs another McDermott child.  While Tori did business, Dean, Patsy, and the kids did the natural history museum. During a meeting with Gallery Books, Tori presented her vision to the team and confessed she planned to dedicate the party planning book to her Mom.  The publishers got big book boners over Coco the blue-beaked chicken, indicating that the publication of Celebratori was a foregone conclusion.  A preliminary Amazon search reveals the book is due for release early April, 2012.  A trip to New York wouldn’t be complete without a frozen hot chocolate moment at Serendipity, so that’s where the whole gang followed up a sickly sweet visit to Dylan’s Candy Bar.  In public, Tori can’t help loudly discussing her poorly concealed pregnancy.  Not only did she inhale her frozen hot chocolate, she kept hunching over in an obvious attempt to overcompensate.  She’s acting like she’s Angelina Jolie or something.  Nobody really cares that much.  Plus the McDermotts are self-proclaimed baby farmers, so anticipating a third pregnancy isn’t a wild stretch.  Less than a week away from her second trimester, Tori’s obviously just stirring up unnecessary drama for this tired-ass reality show.  Girl never tires of the hustle.

Tori and Dean: Chateau La Poo

We caught up with Tori and Dean playing another round of torment the chicken.  This week, birdie bath time!

Bitch, it’s a chicken not a baby!

During fowl bathing, Dean secured Tori’s acquiescence on a weekend getaway without the kids.

Dean, still unable to let go of his Sons of Anarchy dreams, invested in a mint green trike for Tori.  He called it “chic.”  Beware of straight men who toss around the term chic.

Mehran, Stella, and Liam trashed Tori’s closet while the two took a ride.

Liam woke up wet from his nap and proceeded to rub his pee-drenched ass into the sofa while he relished working the smell of urine into the velvet.Later, Dean rounded up the kids for a trip to Neil Lane to pick out a free product placement ring for Tori.  He let the kids choose, and somehow they magically agreed.Liam helped his Mom pack for the surprise weekend getaway, but he couldn’t carry the bag.  That pussy really needs to start working out.Tori and Dean left the kids with the Guncles and took off for their one-on-one time.Tori feigned surprised when they pulled up in front of Chateau La Rue — the scene of their disastrous foray into running a B&B.Back at the Guncles‘, Stella dropped a deuce in the tub during communal bath time.  Mayjah party foul.Tori and Dean reminisced about simpler times while silently contemplating all the decorating changes made by the new proprietors.The next morning, Dean roused Tori at the butt crack of dawn to take her on a hot air balloon ride.Tori nearly shit herself at first, but in time she mellowed into the experience.

After the balloon ride, Dean tried to improve Tori’s cooking with a couples cooking class. For the first time all season, the two seemed to actually enjoy each other. Tori even managed to control her compulsive need to over check on the children.The next morning at breakfast, a few (actors pretending to be) aged and wise couples dropped relationship advice on Tori and DeanIronically, immediately after the impromptu breakfast marriage counseling sesh, Dean drug Tori on another fucking motorcycle ride.  Why must he persist with the fucking motorcycles?  She doesn’t fucking care about motorcycles.  Stop trying to make motorcycles happen douche!Dean presented the ring to Tori while spouting fromage right out of one of his movie of the week scripts.  He proposed.  After all, what is a reality show today without the requisite vow renewal?

As a final surprise, out came the kids and the Guncles for an afternoon family picnic.After lunch, the family went frog spotting on the dock and talked about all the fun times at Chateau La Rue.Next week, on the season finale, in addition to the inevitable Liam temper tantrum, we get to enjoy a side order of the elusive Randy Spelling at the lame McDermott vow renewal.

Tori & Dean: You can diaper a chicken…..

Bori and Mean cooked up a particularly contrived episode this week by challenging each other to lame activities geared towards conquering each other’s fears.  Side note: Tori modeled the world’s fugliest top.A subplot this week revolved around redecorating the family room.  This too takes the form of a dare when Mean challenged Bori to stay on budget, and Bori in turn challenged Mean to stay out of the design process.  Dean drafted a contract and signed it in blood.One part of the design process both could agree on was knocking down a wall and replacing it with French doors.

Tori and Mehran decided that the salon was the most appropriate place to hold their Little Maven biznass meeting.  The stylist looked thrilled.

Not perfect, but a vast improvement.

Meanwhile, Dean attended the dance class that Tori signed him up for in an attempt to face his fear of dancing in public and “get in touch with his body.”Some fears should not be overcome.  Fear is a gift designed to protect, and in this case Dean removed the only barrier separating him from humiliation.

Tori drug Mehran to some abandoned haunted hospital to face her fear of things designed to scare her. The two brave adventurers congratulated themselves before taking their color coordinated asses back to the kitchen to mock Dean’s dance routine.

Later, Tori and James decided to diaper Coco the chicken.

Yes, diaper the chicken.

Coco clearly objected.

Dean had an epiphany at the track (aka no endorsement deals came through) and decided he would only ride on track days and not professionally.Back at the house, Liam made a mess with the paint and shit his pants while Tori and James debated colors.

Dean returned home to a new living room and dropped the track days news on Tori.  Her response was guarded, but optimistic.

Stella got ready to visit animal jail, otherwise known as the San Diego Zoo.

A polar bear rattled the loose cage on the new exhibit and for a second I hoped the bear would spring forth and slaughter a by-standing Denise Richards, but that would actually make this show interesting and would therefore never happen.

Anyone who has been to the relentlessly hilly San Diego Zoo resented this celebrity carting around nonsense.  I’d like to see this skinny bitch push a double-wide stroller up those hills like all the other Moms.

Bori terrorized the giraffe.

Episode Highlight: Liam on snakes, “I like snakes, yes they tickle my hair and my wiener and they love me.”

After the zoo, Mehran offered to watch the the kids with Scout while Tori and Dean went out for dinner.  This “surprise date” was obviously planned well in advance since all these reality shows have to get permission to film. Tori texted throughout dinner which rightfully pissed Dean off.  After she put down the phone, the two awkwardly stared at each other proving the only thing holding these two together is the kids.

Liam behaved like a little angel while they were away.

Bori and Mean vowed not to go to bed angry, and so they doused the fire on the day’s dispute and smooched it out.

However, with these two, just as one fire dies out another ignites.

Tori & Dean: Hands, Man.

This week, on the world’s most boring wedding planning show, Tori buried her resentment in floral arrangements and cake tasting as Brandy’s event preparation hit a fever pitch.

Brandy wanted orchids while Tori and James had other ideas.

Tori broke about every commandment of wedding planning.  She envisioned an outdoor ceremony, but didn’t consider an indoor back-up plan.

Not sure why the thought didn’t occur to them while they were mapping out the indoor space, but whatever.

With his racing career temporarily on hold, Dean tried to coax Liam into forming a band.

Liam suggested calling the band Hands.  Hands, man.

Tori channeled all her marital resentment into a pretty unremarkable flower arrangement sampling to present to Brandy.

What would Jeff Leatham say about this?

Brandy thankfully chose something tasteful and simple.

Dean delivered the results of his MRI to Tori who’s response could be characterized as mildly sympathetic at best.

Tori denied that she was pissed off, but she seethed underneath mentally tallying all the additional work his wounded paw would create for her.

Dean made some excuses and in the end Tori walked out and called him stupid. That’s my girl.

Later on, Glenn the Baker brought over some wedding cake samples.  Dean took the opportunity to bash Tori’s “famous” red velvet cake.  By the way brides, fondant’s nasty.

The little asshole finger-fucked the cake.

Finally!  Too many fucking white people in this show.

Cut that bitch Pasty, cut him.

How much of this shit is Brandy getting for free?  Neil Lane bands? Cosmetic dentistry?  Wedding gowns?  Bridesmaid dresses?  Flowers?  The locale?  I saw product placements for every single one of these items.  Guess that’s one way to subsidize your wedding.

Mehran, butt the fuck out.  Jesus Christ.

He’s the Persian, gay, male Jill Zarin.

Would you honestly trust this fucker with your wedding rings?

Tori nearly shits her pants over the florist’s failure to bring orchids.  Tori broke another wedding planning commandment by failing to put that shit in writing.  Skills for life people, draft a written detailed agreement signed by both parties.  It’s called a contract.  Look into it.

Stella and I both feel the same way about weddings.

Werk.Do we like the parental sandwich?

Tori served a little Donna Martin.

smooch.

Faking it at the afterparty.

Raise the roof.

James mimics Tori’s boob job.

Tori and Dean wrapped things up in the pedicure chair waxing poetic about the future of their relationship.  You may have heard they renewed their vows last weekend and Candy Spelling was in attendance.  Tori thinks the solution to all of life’s problems is to throw a party, but all that silicone has gone to her head if she thinks a vow renewal will save her sham marriage.

Tori, Discipline Dean.

Mrs. McDermott greeted us this week stewing with resentment which apparently gave her a psychosomatic headache.  Watching Tori struggle with that puppy box for several minutes explains a lot about Liam.

Can we have a moment about this absurd bourgeois eco-gardening trend?  Gardening is not that fucking complicated.

Seeds + Water + Soil + Sunlight = Plants.

While I’m sure McProductplacements got their little set up for free, droves of morons will overpay hundreds if not thousands of dollars for this bullshit scam.  If you are too fucking lazy to plant it and tend it, maybe you don’t deserve to reap the rewards you short-cut taking faux-farmer.  Only in fucking America, I swear.At Dean’s movie of the week party, Tori and her Queens held court in the kitchen with too many things to do and not enough time.  This woman has one mode — crazed.  She’s stressing herself to vomit over a fucking movie of the week?Pussy-hurt Dean came into the kitchen and snapped at everyone and then pointedly attacked Mehran.  Oh No He Didn’t.  For a second week in a row, Dean gives Tori grounds for termination.  Thou Shalt Not Attack Thy Gay Husband. Weak-sauce Tori let that shit slide when she should have given him two fingers in the asshole and left him whimpering in the corner.Thankfully, Mehran isn’t the pushover Bori is, and he let Mean know his hostility was not appreciated.  For a second, Dean looked a little scared of Mehran.  Checkmate, and episode highlight.Is it me or is Liam totally going to grow up to be that dick bully from The Karate Kid?Mr. Personality worked a diva attitude at the fashion shoot snapping at the Guncles over wardrobe and Mehran over comic tone.  He is his father’s son.When he’s a little asshole everyone just nervously laughs.  Discipline that little fucker now before he becomes a total nightmare.

Bummer about Uncle Danny.  Bravo to Tori for coming up with such a personal and creative way to honor his life.  I hope he’s getting down in that big shell collector conference in the sky.The tragedy served as a temporary respite from the on-going bickering between Tori and Dean, but by the looks of it they are back at it next week.  Seen or heard one of the numerous statements Tori has made in the last three weeks announcing the peace and tranquility in their marriage?  The damage-control compulsion indicates major trouble, Trust.