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Warning internet daters! Here’s what happens when you send my friend a dick pic. She generously shares it with me, and I in turn share it with my faithful readers. Isn’t it bad enough that those predatory online dating sites mine your personal information and sell it off to any interested party? Oh, you didn’t know that? Yes Doves, all that delicate intel included in your application profile – your STD status, whether you are a drug user, whether you’re gay or straight – companies harvest that private information and use it for marketing purposes and Lord knows what else. Now back to the peen. What do you think? I sense its yearning.
Guys obsess over pushing out every last gasp of air between the trash can and the liner.
I have never dated online, so I wouldn’t exactly call the next set of opinions “educated.” While I have been ensconced in the false security of a dead-end relationship for the past nine years, the internet dating craze has apparently become the main vehicle for getting sets of genitals together.The site you choose says a lot about you. The broke and horny go to okcupid or one of its free cousins. Just remember, you get what you pay for. Okcupid is the Goodwill of online dating sites. Whatever you find there will be heavily used.If you want the Target of online dating, go to Match. Match mirrors the vastness of Target, and much like Target, on Match you will stumble upon mostly cheap crap gussied up in slightly better packaging.If you are looking for sincere fatties hunting for matrimony, well then eHarmony is for you. eHarmony is the Sears of online dating – conservative, dependable, and for the 55+set.In an informal survey of my friends who have dated online, there is an obvious and detectable pattern. You and dickhead break up. You and dickhead de-friend each other on Facebook. You resolve to get out there and meet someone better. You google online dating sites. Depending on whether you want to shop at Goodwill, Target, or Sears, you pick one and begin to write your profile. You realize instantly that you have no idea how to pithily summarize yourself in six sentences or less without sounding like a Russian mail-order bride. You sort through all your photos and pick out several which are misleading, but you would never admit that to yourself. You publish your profile and wait. You sit and pathetically wait for some internet douche to sift through a million other misleading and inaccurate profiles until you hope he is sufficiently misled by yours. What actually happens is 13 different middle-aged married couples solicit you for a threesome. You get depressed when you realize the only guy who contacted you is a 24 year old, unemployed, balding, internet troll who just wants to three pump chump you tonight and never call you again.While almost every single person I know disagrees with me about internet dating, none of them have met anyone of merit online. Save yourself a lot of time and energy and go interact with people in person. In the flesh, you will know within 30 seconds if you want to fuck and you can save yourself the tedious email/texting getting-to-know you period that internet dating requires.
I’ve been working on a project lately that has me interacting with a number of different professionals. I use the term “professionals” loosely as most of these fuckers can barely return a phone call or show up on time. I measure a man by his word. Where I come from, when you say you are going to do something, you do it. Anything less is unacceptable. Despite a punctuality-softening stint in California, I arrive on time to professional appointments. I don’t hire late bitches. Show up on time and do what you say you are going to do. Sounds simple, right? Then how come these grown-ass men can’t seem to manage it?
How come nobody teaches guys to file their nails? Most guys I know either: 1) bite their nails, or 2) wait for them to grow long and then clip them off super short with sharp snarly edges in an occasional, but violent episode. (g-sus please GO OUTSIDE for those aggressive clipping moments).
Many men could benefit from a nail filing tutorial. Just explain it in terms of sand paper and most won’t put up too much of a fuss. You will need to carefully instruct him on proper technique. Once they get the hang of it, most men readily take to the grooming ritual.
If you are sick of hearing the constant gnawing of fingernails in the background, explain that shit is nasty and then hand dude a file.
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