Tag Archives: Mena Suvari

Portia de Rossi Gossip Part One

Remember in American Beauty where Jane (Thora Birch) and Angela (Mena Suvari) enjoy a joint in the car after the basketball game?  Angela informs Jane, “There’s nothing worse in life than being ordinary.”  Portia de Rossi is Angela, and the fear of mediocrity has driven both her success and her eating disorder.  Here are a few tidbits not covered in that surprisingly snoozy Oprah interview.  Did you know that Portia’s husband (Mel) left her for her brother’s wife (Renee)?  Juicy, right?   I’ll give that one a moment to sink in. We all know that Amanda Rogers changed her name to Portia de Rossi when she was 15, though I’d never heard the whole back story until reading Unbearable Lightness.  Underage Amanda was at a club when the manager took her upstairs to give her herpes an all-access medallion awarded to VIP’s.  When asked her name, she decided Amanda Rogers was way too average, so she pulled a Keyser Söze and renamed herself Portia de Rossi.  “Portia” she lifted from The Merchant of Venice, and “de Rossi” was plucked from a string of credits rolling by at the end of a movie.Read into this what you will; Portia on her first unrequited love: “If I was successful, I could win her, seduce her with money and power just as Martina Navratilova and Melissa Etheridge had won their previously heterosexual girlfriends.  By their actions, these powerful, famous lesbians told the world that straight women were more desirable than gay ones and if you were rich and powerful enough, you could snag one of your own.”

The Real L Word: Strap-on Etiquette

Dan “the designer” stopped by to help the lesblands spruce up their dinning room in time for Passover.  Dan wasted no time pointing out every poor decorating choice in the room.  He called the room dead, the walls muddy, the curtains schmatta rags, and accused the curtain rod of evoking “hostel.”  Dan sent over a “lesbian-Liberace” chandelier which promptly dropped out of the mounting mid-installation, shattering glass over the floor and nearly splicing the lesbians, installers, and dogs to shreds.  This sent Jill into an existential tailspin and caused her to completely reject the oversized chandelier, much to Nik’s dismay.  Dan redeemed himself later by amping the table’s volume from Pottery Barn lezzy to full on five alarm queen with a multi-tier vase and candle extravaganza for the Seder.The conflict between Rose and her mother appears to be driving her abuelita to an early grave.  Just days after imploring with Rose to mend things with her mother to unify the family, Rose’s grandmother landed in the hospital with pneumonia. Cognizant her own actions were contributing to her grandmother’s ill health, Rose acted out with bitchy misplaced aggression towards Nat and everybody else.Despite her stank mood, Rose decided she must fulfill her promise to appear at a friend’s party.  A fight began to brew as Rose nitpicked Nat’s every word and action.  Once inside the party, Nat hung close to her sister in the DJ booth, avoiding Rose. Using her grandmother as an excuse for bad behavior, Rose called her ex-girlfriend Angel and left Natalie high and dry without a ride or house keys.  I would cut a bitch for this.

Super stressed over the planning for L.A. Fashion Week, Mikey evoked the Cutrone and ripped her intern a new asshole.  If the seating chart and RSVP list require immaculate care, why leave such a colossal responsibility to an intern?  Flailing around complaining about hanger discord, Mikey dropped F-bombs over Mena Suvari’s non-existent RSVP.

The lesbagang gathered for a friendly game of paintball: Team Rose vs. Team WhitneyWhitney and Tor wagered the winner of the paintball game got to fuck the loser with a strap-on.  Tor joined Rose’s team, and in the end the last two standing were Whitney and TorWhitney triumphed and announced that tonight Tor would be her prize.To prepare for that night’s festivities, Scarlett and Whitney hit the sex shop to buy a new harness.  Whitney educated us all on lesbian strap-on etiquette: “It’s a very personal thing you are sharing with someone, so I don’t necessarily want to have one strap-on that I just use with everyone.  It would be like some guy like not washing his dick between having sex with two girls.”Scarlett provided the “bottom perspective” and between the two of them, appropriate gear was selected.  After a lube recommendation from the fishnet-clad salesgirl, the two were on their way.Tor looked reticent, but Whitney must have done something right because after uninhibited strap-on balls-to-the-wall sex (Whitney’s words, not mine), Tor awoke the next morning looking satisfied, if not a bit dazed.The fun didn’t stop there; Whitney and the gurls planned the first annual White Trash Party complete with cheap beer, jello shots, pink flamingos, and the pièce de résistance: cream corn and lube wrestling.After watching Whitney go twice around in the kiddie pool, Romi was so aroused she led Whitney by the hand to the bedroom where she illustrated why this program airs on Showtime.We’ve learned from episodes past that Romi ain’t shy, but this week she took it from bold to porn star as she let the cameras film her getting acquainted with Whitney’s strap-on.  Dignity concerns aside, I appreciate Romi for this instructive lesson because now I get it.  Whitney’s stroke game exceeds that of most men.As party guests pounded on the door, Whitney shamelessly pounded Romi presumably with the same accouterments she used the night before with Tor.  Mayjah lesbian sex etiquette faux pas WhitWhitney could only rationalize her behavior by saying, “I am a pussy slut.”As the post-coital realizations began to dawn on Whitney, she walked around the party aftermath working a droopy dog half-hearted attempt at damage control, stopping in with Scarlett, Alyssa, and finally Tor.  As it should be, the White Trash Party culminated in a nauseating mix of tears, lube, and cream corn.