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I commence this year’s Oscar fashion criticism frenzy with Kelly Osbourne in Tony Ward Couture because this is the dress I stared at longest and ultimately found most controversially interesting among a thicket of bland and boring looks. Was Charlize exquisite in Dior Haute Couture? I guess. Is it memorable? No. Am I bored? Very. Is she serving a little Sharon Stone with that hair and smirk? Yes. Aniston possesses a rare talent for making Valentino look like the Macy’s Prom Collection. Stand up straight bitch. This tin-tittied mess is Anne Hathaway in Prada. Nobody noticed the diamonds, that’s for sure. When I see Halle Berry in this Versace, I want to pronounce it Versayce. I despise everything about Amanda Seyfried in this Alexander McQueen: the bridesmaid hair, the pageant pose, and the washed out non-color of the firefly patterned gown. Jessica Chastain has truly never looked better in impeccably-tailored spiderweb Armani. I don’t love Melissa McCarthy in this ill-fitting David Meister, but I will always love Melissa McCarthy. Jennifer Lawrence lacks a style identity. I suspect Dior hands her a dress and she obediently wears it. One of the best dressed of the evening, Octavia Spencer looks fantastic in this soft pink Tadashi Shoji.A wrinkled mess, Kerry Washington served some sorbet Miu Miu. It’s too long, no?I don’t get dead-eyed Kristen Stewart in Reem Acra. I know she makes some bitches swoon, but to me she is not everything. Can she close her mouth? What’s up with her constant open mouth? It’s creepy.This Louis Vuitton just doesn’t fit Reese Witherspoon, and the fabric isn’t modern. Nicole Kidman wore L’Wren Scott and I think we can agree it was a decent choice for her. It’s a little fussy for my personal taste, but she wears it well and looks luminous. Let’s finish with the couples: Naomi Watts wore Armani Privé. Armani far and away fit the best dresses of the night. Ben & Jen, she in Gucci, but it doesn’t matter what she wears because nothing pops on this girl.
…Salma Hayek in Gucci for the Best Bluish Black. She has a certain carefree sparkle only a billion dollars can buy. …Nicole Richie in Naeem Khan for best Palm Beach Housewife. Is this bitch 74? G-jus. …Amanda Seyfried in Givenchy for most Unseasonably Springy. I should hate this doily shit, but I don’t. …Claire Danes in red Versace for best Post Baby Body Bounce-Back. Doesn’t she look 10 years younger with those 15 extra pounds? …Connie Britton wins Most Consistent in KaufmanFranco.…Jessica Alba for most Irrelevantly Gorgeous. Penalty for skinning a defenseless Muppet for that embarrassing bag. …Amy Adams in Marchesa wins the prize for Most Likely to be Accidentally Confused with Taylor Swift.…Halle Berry for Misdemeanor Midriff Exposure in Versace. …Sally Field for worst Granny Globes, gown by Alberta Ferretti.…Kerry Washington for Most Overrated in Miu Miu.…Anne Hathaway for Most Boring Chanel.…Zosia Mamet for Best of the Girls.…Lena Dunham for snatching Helen Mirren’s Zac Posen gown.…Allison Williams for Most Forgettable Girl.…Jessica Chastain in Calvin Klein Slightly Wrong from Head to Toe.…Jennifer Lawrence for failure to learn from Jessica Biel’s Weird Dior-titty Mistake. …Lucy Liu for Most Incongruent in Carolina Herrera. What is this floral fuckmess?…Hayden Panettiere wins Most Repetitious in Roberto Cavalli. …Jennifer Lopez for Most in Need of a Divorce from Zuhair Murad.…Zooey Deschanel in Oscar de la Renta for Most Misguided Personal Style.…Naomi Watts for Best Zac Posen.…Nicole Kidman for Most Improved Hair. This is a chicer length for her. …Rachel Weisz in Louis Vuitton for the Worst 3-Way Split.…Giuliana Rancic in Celia Kritharioti for Most Felonious Showing by an Officer of the Fashion Police.
Alexander McQueenLouis Vuitton. I hate this collection. The shoes are the least offensive part.Miu MiuChanelRick OwensMore McQueen.Yves Saint Laurent
Self-proclaimed “gay icon” Sonja hosted the Marriage Equality March pre-party and expected the rest of the women to fawn over her like it was her actual wedding day. Both she and Alex labored under the misapprehension that it was “her day” and the two went tit to tit trading bitchy self-important barbs.Alex believed the day was hers because she’d been involved in the project for months and won’t let anyone forget she served on the committee. At the last moment, planners asked Sonja to act as Grand Marshall and speak at the rally. The timing indicates she was a last minute replacement for someone more relevant, interesting, well-spoken.Once at the Equality March, Simon’s sequins came unglued when he learned that Sonja brokered an exclusivity clause in her contract which precluded any of the other cast members from speaking. This season, Sonja came to play and apparently she brought her legal team.Unrelenting in their commitment to fame Marriage Equality, Alex and Simon first plead with Sonja to allow Simon to raise his rainbow at the podium. When she ignored their pleas and turned her back, Alex hovered behind her whispering maliciously in her ear. Kelly, the ambassador of crazy, turned and yelled, “We are embarrassing ourselves!” X four. The awkwardly loud rebuke stunned the rest of the hen house into temporary silence.A more magnanimous person might have just allowed Simon to speak, but if the tables were turned and Simon had an exclusive speaking engagement, would he share the spotlight with Sonja? Doubtful. Cut from the same social-climbing cloth, all three keep tirelessly trudging up the ladder, even if they happen to be on slightly different rungs. Sonja went out of her way to knock Alex and Simon down a peg or two. Trust that Silex will not let this slight go unanswered.Sonja hosted a cocktail party to reveal an unflattering painting that the artist she’s banging painted of her. Alex pulled Sonja aside and the two began to argue about the events of the day. The fight fermented to the point where Sonja asked Alex to leave while screaming at her about her bad manners in front of a room full of guests.The Cuntess summed up the importance of squabble by saying, “I don’t know what Alex was wearing to Sonja’s party. It was some kind of S&M bondage thing. I would have kicked her out just for the dress.”On the brink of tears, Alex stood on the sidewalk in her high-class hooker heels, stunned and embarrassed, recounting the tale to Simon.Cut back to Sonja greeting Barshop and complimenting her on her nude Miu Miu – which she pronounced “Mewy Mewy.” Bitch please. No gay icon mispronounces Miu Miu.
Recently, I tried Rent the Runway (www.renttherunway.com), the online designer dress rental service. Thought you might be curious about the experience, so here’s what’s up.
How it Works
There are many different ways to browse Rent the Runway, by size, occasion, color, and date availability, (among others). After selecting a look or looks, decide if you want to rent for 4 or 8 days. Rental fees range from $50 to $200, not including shipping. You get to pick a back-up size for free. Yes, that’s right — same dress, two sizes, no extra charge, just in case.
RTR sent me an email with tracking information so I could follow the progress of the package. Seeing as I was relying on my selections for a mayjah event, I found this feature soothing.
The dresses arrived on hangers, wrapped in plastic, inside a RTR reusable garment bag. There was a cute thank you card and samples of useful products like antiperspirant remover. The package also included return shipping envelopes (USPS) with shipping labels, proper postage, and return address labels affixed.
I chose Helmut Lang and Halston Heritage, and neither disappointed. The quality of the Helmut Lang was far superior to the Halston Heritage (janky zipper, oversize beltloops), but the smaller size of both selections fit, and overall I was delighted. The duet of dresses were unequivocal crowd-pleasers.
Pros and Cons
I recommend investigating RTR for the following reasons. First, wouldn’t you rather support actual designers than down-market designer knock-offs? Seriously, our designer friends need our help in these dire economic times where fashion houses are feeling the hurt. If you can’t afford to invest in the real thing, at least you can support these artists by renting the genuine article.Second, how often are you really going to want to re-wear cocktail looks? RTR allows you to keep it fresh without accumulating a lot of stuff you probably won’t wear very often. It also allows you to experiment with trends without steep financial commitment.My criticisms are as follows. The selection of designers is not as high-end as I would like, and there isn’t enough variety. They pretty much just have dresses and accessories, no jackets, pants, or suits. I would also like more fashion-forward and avant-garde selections.
One word of advice, you really need a strong sense of your body, clothing fabrication, and what flatters you. If you’re relying on wearing a dress to a big event, you better be damn sure it fits. Can you look at photos and know how a garment will look on you? Some people have this skill, some people don’t. Which are you? This talent alone will make or break your experience with RTR.
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