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I’m not a fan of The Bachelor or any of those dating reality shows. No judgment. I know lots of people live for a rose ceremony like it was the Super Bowl of Love, but I’ve always enjoyed a slightly different flavor of trash. Yet, I admit I’m intrigued by the premise of MTV’s “Are You the One?”, premiering tonight.The premise: 10 single girls + 10 single guys pre-matched through an intensive compatibility test live together in a herpes hive that looks like it was repurposed from the old Hawaii Real World house. If the proper preordained matches pair up, everybody splits a million dollars. Despite the interesting conceit, I may not even make it through the first episode of this show because the kids are so idiotic, but I’m going to try. I’m in favor of anything that challenges the illusive fairy tale of romantic love and involves potential bitch fighting.
…I organize my bags, and in addition to spare change, I find a bounty of lighters I didn’t even know I had. …I wake up on Monday morning and everybody is hating on Miley. The world has come correct. …You clean out your closet and shit fits you better now then it did ten years ago – and it’s still cute!
How did the same girl who was duped by the world’s most obvious craigslist scam just negotiate a $1.5 million sex tape deal? In the Teen Mom sea of daft, Farrah might be the daftest of all. Let’s be honest, Farrah’s breast implants demonstrate better critical reasoning than she does, and yet she secured a pretty epic payday for unconvincingly “leaking her own sex tape.” This genius staged a sex tape leak with a professional porn star and still got seven figures. Kim Kardashian must be her sex-tape-selling fairy godmother. G-Sus. I’d like to say it wasn’t a good investment on Vivid’s part, but frankly I am DYING to see the Teen Mom’s debut. I love me a celebrity sex tape: Kim, Paris, Colin, and the gold standard Pam. Farrah’s tape won’t rank among the best, but it will certainly compete for the title of most unintentionally hilarious.
Notice how ever since The Soup moved to Wednesday it’s lost some of its zhush? How can you do a thorough weekly round-up on a show that airs midweek? Explain this suicidal programming decision por favor. Jersey Shore sputtered out like a two-pump chump. I’m guessing that’s what the lesbians affectionately call Vinny after the world’s least erotic three-way. Notice Bethenny’s show is building up to the infamous Amador boat trip even though everyone already widely believes the entire event to be staged for the cameras? PR strategy or arrogant stupidity?Spent the last two days learning some interesting, scientific, and at times witchy stuff about the human body. As if I needed another reason to sleep a full 8-10 hours, apparently the only way to truly rest and repair the adrenal glands is by consistently getting a full 8 hours of sleep. The body repairs the adrenals during a specific period later in the sleep cycle. If sleep is interrupted, the body resets to hour one and misses the opportunity to repair. Can you poop without a stimulant (caffeine, nicotine, etc.) in the morning? If not, this could be a sign of adrenal insufficiency. Stressed, pissy and fatigued? Consider the possibility that your chronic sleep deprivation depletes important hormones.
In case you missed it last night on Teen Mom 2, Kailyn sought out birth control from some beady-eyed OBGYN. During the course of the episode, the word Mirena was uttered no less than 7 times. Mirena was mentioned thrice by the Doc and Kailyn and once by new boyfriend Jordan as if under coercion.We’re not talking about the word IUD, we’re talking specifically about the peppering of the pharmaceutical brand name “Mirena.” Coincidence or profitable product placement? The exam and “insertion” ran like a 5 minute commercial shoved into the show. Did Kailyn get a free IUD in return for her enthusiasm?Marketing a long-term hormone based contraception to teenage girls is an interesting choice considering their high risk for contracting an STD during unprotected sex. Personal opinion only here: keep the hormones and the foreign devices out of your body and keep the wenis wrapped.
If the day after Christmas has left you with a holiday hangover, consider using the last precious days of the year to accomplish a few unmet goals. Rather than waiting until NYE to make some phony resolution, begin the new year with the confidence that comes from triumphing over obstacles. First off, your space is filthy, so a good pre-New Year purge wouldn’t hurt, right? Like when is the last time you really mopped? What difference would 3 hours dedicated to tidiness make in your life? What impact could a donation of all your unused crap mean to someone in need? Now is your chance to make up for snubbing that Salvation Army bell ringer this year. It is never too late for generosity.If your goal this year was to cultivate fun, you still have 5 days to plan an execute a bitching NYE party. How about a trade-your-most-hideous-gift exchange party? The fiesta provides another avenue to declutter (see #1) and an opportunity to trade it for something you might actually like, even if only ironically.
Schedule preventative care appointments. Now is as good a time as any to schedule dentist, mammogram, colonoscopy and all those other screenings that can save you from critical malfunctions. Maintenance is everything. I care for you and want you healthy for 2o12 and beyond.
Here’s to rising to the challenge of accomplishing more in the last week of the year than bong hits and Teen Mom 2 marathons.
So what do we make of the Bethenny Frankel money mystery? Her desperate visit on The Today Show did little to clarify doubts surrounding the sale of Skinnygirl Cocktails. She implied the 100+ million dollar figure was accurate. Doubters at Huffpo ran a retraction. Her defensive and side-stepping response has everybody wondering about the truth. Fishy.Today also broke the Giuliana Rancic cancer diagnosis story this week. I have a soft spot for Giuliana and frown over her sad turn of luck. Word is the cancer was present in both breasts, and she had a double lumpectomy within the last couple days. The medical community rushed to defend IVF and insist that the treatments did not necessarily increase the risk of cancer. Some cancers are hormone-fed, correct? IVF involves super doses of hormones, correct? Doctors are making a shitload of money off fertility treatments, including IVF, correct? Correct. In more uplifting news, I’m living for Beavis and Butt-head right now and anxiously await the premiere next Thursday. This is one remake that won’t suck. No one will miss Jersey Snore. This season was extra weak marinara sauce. Seriously though, the question we’ve all been skirting: is it possible Pauly D is gay? Carefully consider it.
Love Adele, but this boring-ass dress explains why she’s often photographed from the shoulders up. Fucking gross yo. Beyoncé does her bun in the oven pose in tangerine Lanvin. I’m sure Gwyneth is thrilled at the prospect of sharing her homemade organic baby food recipes.Miley Cyrus in Cavalli and Selena Gomez in Julien Macdonald, these two twats look 35.
Justin Beiber is the only young lady who dressed her age.
You can take the whores out of the Shore, but not the Shore out of these whores.Jojo you know it’s just a little too late…
All that auditing has dulled her taste in clothes. Katie dressed like she was attending a parent-teacher conference instead of the VMAs. The awkward stance and hideous booties do nothing to redeem the look. The fact that Pete Wentz topped the best dress should give you an indication of the evening’s style caliber. Wasn’t wowed by Mizz Saldana in a embellished LBD by Barbara Bui, but I’ll still probably see her new movie Colombiana. For Katy Perry life is a costume party rather than a fashion show. Here she channeled her “happy endings” look.
This is not an appropriate response to a cold sore Nicki.
More of the same from Miss Piggy’s Armenian cousin who always serves too much titty, too much belly, and too much hair.