Tag Archives: MTV

I love you Leonard

MTV SLEDNECKSWhen I was in Vegas a few weeks ago, I got sucked into Slednecks, a reality show on MTV profiling the weather-beaten drunken youth of Alaska.  The doughy-ass boys aren’t cute, but they are endearing.  What’s the saying?  The odds are good, but the goods are odd.  You’d think with the Alaskan guy-to-girl ratio the girls would have some slimmer pickins.  For real, these dudes give whale blubber new meaning. TOSCA AND TREVOR SLEDNECKS Somehow most of the women remain bronzed, hard-bodied goddesses proving the technology of the spray tan has crept all the way to the Arctic Circle.  The women of Slednecks are fucking tough.  Like blow your couch up, crack a beer bottle over your head, push you down the stairs, knock you the fuck out tough.  All drunken shenanigans aside, the true treasure of the show is master boat-maker Leonard who dispenses old bear Alaskan wisdom like Yoda.  I love him.  I want to go to Alaska just so he can tell me I’m trouble.LEONARD SLEDNECKS

 

I’m watchingk the Hills

LC THE HILLS

MTV has been running morning bingewatch seshes of The Hills every weekday and since there’s nothing like 2006, I’ve been unable to withstand the draw of these vapid bitches.  Can someone please inform Whitney Port there is no “k” at the end of “ing.”  Listen to her.  “Lauren, where are you goingk?” and “Oh my God, that was so embarassingk!”

WHITNEY PORT KAlso, I’ve spotted 2006 versions of Taylor Armstrong, Kourtney Kardashian and Tom Sandoval (from Vanderpump Rules) in The Hills background.  Watching this show years later is like a fun game of spot the desperate social-climbing fame-seeker!TAYLOR ARMSTRONG THE HILLS

 

And my new favorite child is….

FARRAH“How does Mommy look?”

SOPHIA

Preach Sophia!

Are You the One?

ARE YOU THE ONE CASTI’m not a fan of The Bachelor or any of those dating reality shows.  No judgment.  I know lots of people live for a rose ceremony like it was the Super Bowl of Love, but I’ve always enjoyed a slightly different flavor of trash.  Yet, I admit I’m intrigued by the premise of MTV’sAre You the One?”, premiering tonight.ARE YOU THE ONE GIRLSThe premise: 10 single girls + 10 single guys pre-matched through an intensive compatibility test live together in a herpes hive that looks like it was repurposed from the old Hawaii Real World house.  If the proper preordained matches pair up, everybody splits a million dollars.  ARE YOU THE ONE GUYSDespite the interesting conceit, I may not even make it through the first episode of this show because the kids are so idiotic, but I’m going to try.  I’m in favor of anything that challenges the illusive fairy tale of romantic love and involves potential bitch fighting.    ARE YOU THE ONE SLUTTINES

I love it when…

CLOSET PURGE…I organize my bags, and in addition to spare change, I find a bounty of lighters I didn’t even know I had. LIGHTERS…I wake up on Monday morning and everybody is hating on Miley.  The world has come correct. MILEY HATE…You clean out your closet and shit fits you better now then it did ten years ago – and it’s still cute!STILL FITS

 

Farrah’s Fucktape

How did the same girl who was duped by the world’s most obvious craigslist scam just negotiate a $1.5 million sex tape deal?  In the Teen Mom sea of daft, Farrah might be the daftest of all.  Let’s be honest, Farrah’s breast implants demonstrate better critical reasoning than she does, and yet she secured a pretty epic payday for unconvincingly “leaking her own sex tape.”  This genius staged a sex tape leak with a professional porn star and still got seven figures.  Kim Kardashian must be her sex-tape-selling fairy godmother.  G-Sus.  I’d like to say it wasn’t a good investment on Vivid’s part, but frankly I am DYING to see the Teen Mom’s debut.  I love me a celebrity sex tape: Kim, Paris, Colin, and the gold standard Pam.  Farrah’s tape won’t rank among the best, but it will certainly compete for the title of most unintentionally hilarious.

Four for Friday

Notice how ever since The Soup moved to Wednesday it’s lost some of its zhush?  How can you do a thorough weekly round-up on a show that airs midweek?  Explain this suicidal programming decision por favor.  Jersey Shore sputtered out like a two-pump chump.  I’m guessing that’s what the lesbians affectionately call Vinny after the world’s least erotic three-way. Notice Bethenny’s show is building up to the infamous Amador boat trip even though everyone already widely believes the entire event to be staged for the cameras?  PR strategy or arrogant stupidity?Spent the last two days learning some interesting, scientific, and at times witchy stuff about the human body.  As if I needed another reason to sleep a full 8-10 hours, apparently the only way to truly rest and repair the adrenal glands is by consistently getting a full 8 hours of sleep.  The body repairs the adrenals during a specific period later in the sleep cycle.  If sleep is interrupted, the body resets to hour one and misses the opportunity to repair.  Can you poop without a stimulant (caffeine, nicotine, etc.) in the morning?  If not, this could be a sign of adrenal insufficiency.  Stressed, pissy and fatigued?  Consider the possibility that your chronic sleep deprivation depletes important hormones.

 

Ironic Product Placement: Teen Mom 2 sponsored by Mirena?

In case you missed it last night on Teen Mom 2, Kailyn sought out birth control from some beady-eyed OBGYN.  During the course of the episode, the word Mirena was uttered no less than 7 times. Mirena was mentioned thrice by the Doc and Kailyn and once by new boyfriend Jordan as if under coercion.We’re not talking about the word IUD, we’re talking specifically about the peppering of the pharmaceutical brand name “Mirena.”  Coincidence or profitable product placement?  The exam and “insertion” ran like a 5 minute commercial shoved into the show.  Did Kailyn get a free IUD in return for her enthusiasm?Marketing a long-term hormone based contraception to teenage girls is an interesting choice considering their high risk for contracting an STD during unprotected sex.  Personal opinion only here: keep the hormones and the foreign devices out of your body and keep the wenis wrapped. 

6 days to salvage 2011

If the day after Christmas has left you with a holiday hangover, consider using the last precious days of the year to accomplish a few unmet goals.  Rather than waiting until NYE to make some phony resolution, begin the new year with the confidence that comes from triumphing over obstacles.  First off, your space is filthy, so a good pre-New Year purge wouldn’t hurt, right?  Like when is the last time you really mopped?  What difference would 3 hours dedicated to tidiness make in your life?  What impact could a donation of all your unused crap mean to someone in need?  Now is your chance to make up for snubbing that Salvation Army bell ringer this year.  It is never too late for generosity.If your goal this year was to cultivate fun, you still have 5 days to plan an execute a bitching NYE party.  How about a trade-your-most-hideous-gift exchange party?  The fiesta provides another avenue to declutter (see #1) and an opportunity to trade it for something you might actually like, even if only ironically.

Schedule preventative care appointments.  Now is as good a time as any to schedule dentist, mammogram, colonoscopy and all those other screenings that can save you from critical malfunctions.  Maintenance is everything.  I care for you and want you healthy for 2o12 and beyond.

Here’s to rising to the challenge of accomplishing more in the last week of the year than bong hits and Teen Mom 2 marathons.