Tag Archives: My So Called Life

I don’t want to be friends…

TUPPERWARE PARTY…with opportunists who only act like they are my friend to sell me something like Arbonne or Landmark.  I thought you were reaching out to form a relationship, but instead you just want my coin.  I know the economy is bad, but must there always be a pecuniary interest?  Sheesh.

DUCK DOLLAR…with self-centered assholes who only talk about themselves, think about themselves, and are only really interested in themselves. ME ME ME

…with users who keep me around to make themselves feel better.MEAN GIRLS

…with needy bitches.

HIGH MAINTENACE

…with my exes.  How can you be friends with someone who broke your heart?LOVE IS

…with trollops who would sleep with my man if given the chance.

JORDAN AND RAYANNE

 

Swab

I can’t hear the word “swab” without immediately thinking of Patty Chase instructing Angela on how to extract her zit.  “Just the word, swab.”  God I love that show, but this is not another MSCL post.  Nope, today I extol the virtues of the alcohol swab.  So simple: a small alcohol saturated pad that cleans the tiniest grimiest places without leaving a residue.  Some of you immediately recoil because the sight of a swab packet sends you straight to vaccination land.  Relax, nobody is going to give you a tetanus booster okay?  Though your ass probably needs one. I’m talking absterge the cell, sterilize the remote, polish the Kindle.  These little squares are marvelous for de-gunking your favorite electronics.  Your laptop keyboard is crying for a cleaning.  For some of you, every time you pull out the air duster you end up on a Demi Moore Detour.  I’ve been to that party.  These handy, inexpensive little packets of joy are great for travel too.  Sanitize the remote in your hotel room.  Get the wax out of your ears.  Alcohol swabs make refreshing ear cleaners.  Use them to disinfect your manicure tools, eye lash curler, and tweezers.  Really, the applications are endless.  Throw a few in your bag and wonder how you ever survived in this filthy world without them.

Monday’s Music: Fiona Forever

Do you actually like the new Fiona Apple album, The Idler Wheel Is Wiser Than the Driver of the Screw and Whipping Cords Will Serve You More Than Ropes Will Ever DoI’m working on it a track at a time, and at times, it does feel like work.  I try because there are three things I will always love about Fiona Apple.  First, she’s uncompromising in her artistic expression without regard to the perceived negative consequences.  Second, she tirelessly curates her vegan-waif-coffeehouse-boho look.  Third, her voice hits a tender Angela Chase chord in my nostalgic 90’s heart. Long-winded and pretentious album titles notwithstanding, I say Fiona Forever.

RHNY: Lady Morgan Likes a Spanking

Ramona kicked off this week’s episode with a photo shoot aimed at creating promotional shots for her numerous products.  Suffice it to say that Ramona’s as good in front of the camera as she is on the runway.The true star of this week’s episode, Chris March, dropped by Sonja’s dated townhouse to revive a fetid wig and costume for her upcoming masquerade ball.A sick Jill met LuAnn at the costume shop to select their attire for Lady Morgan’s Grand Masquerade BallLuAnn appropriately gravitated towards the “saloon whore” look.We met Kevin, Cindy’s bland babydaddy.  He’s giving us a bit of a grown Dan Humphrey vibe, right?Later on at Sonja’s, Chris returned with the slightly enhanced corset and magnificently transformed wig.  Mayjah fucking wig.The Cuntess called off sick.  She either contracted the bitch fever from Jill, or she and the French Fonze were recreating Patty and Graham’s Halloween Rapunzel moment from My So-Called Life.The weight of the wig must have restricted the blood flow to Sonja’s brain because she claimed she “forgot” her petticoat which resulted in her serving cottage-cheese ass as an unexpected appetizer at her otherwise sparsely catered soiree.Jill reported that Sonja had a nice handprint sized bruise on her ass cheek.  Lady Morgan likes a spanking!At Serafina, Ramona hosted a launch party for her new vino.  She ran into Jennifer, whose wedding was the backdrop for mucho drama earlier in the season.  Jennifer is clearly angling to be RHNYC‘s version of Jersey’s Kim G.  She needled her way into the drama by working Ramona up into a frenzy over some comments Jill made at Jennifer’s wedding reception.When Jill arrived, Ramona pulled her aside to confront her about the accusations.  Jill shifted the blame to another guest and got defensive.  The two started screaming at each other in a staged scene before Jill dramatically stormed out.On the way out, Jill conveniently ran into Jennifer and the two squashed the beef in about two minutes.  With renewed courage, Jill returned to the gathering and reignited Ramona’s crazed shrieking.When Jill subtly gestured to Ramona’s wine class and said “you need help, I’m serious..”  Ramona made a hasty retreat, sobered by the threat of public exposure of her drinking problem.  As if we all don’t already know that shit.  We watch Ramona embalm herself in Pinot Grigio at every opportunity.  As we learned last week, failure to provide Pinot results in automatic forfeiture of friendship. Ramona Singer + Kim Richards + Celebrity Rehab = Epic Awesomeness

SJP PRIMER

Before you rush out to the new SATC movie (which looks like it sucks balls) do your SJP homework.

GIRLS JUST WANT TO HAVE FUN

This is when I really fell in love with Sarah Jessica Parker.  Look out for a pre-teen Shannen Doherty as the little sister and Helen Hunt as the cool best friend.  Pure unadulterated 80’s dance nostalgia.

SQUARE PEGS, SQUARE PEGS, SQUARE, SQUARE PEGS!

This shit is old school, like 28 years old (1982-1983), but think of it as the My So-Called Life of the 80’s (in that it was canceled before its time).  The ultramodern show had a twenty episode run and the complete series is available on DVD.  Consider it Carrie Bradshaw the early years.  Unexpected bonus: Jami Gertz kills a as a stick-up-the-ass Paris Geller type.

PLEASE, FOR YOU TO WATCH

10.   Beverly Hills 90210, Season 3

We all know that like many shows Beverly Hills, 90210 stuck around long after its expiration date, but that does not diminish the pure back stabbing joy of season three.  While Brenda and Donna eat brains, fake French accents, and narrowly escape dabbling in porn, Kelly and Dylan heat things up back in L.A.  I can already hear Sadie B. Hawkins “Damn, I Wish I was Your Lover” swelling in the background.

9.   The Comeback

Fuck Friends, this is Lisa Kudrow at her very best.  At times squeamishly uncomfortable, this show hits a pitch perfect tone that feels totally authentic.  Look for early performances from Malin Akerman, Laura Silverman (Sarah Silverman‘s sister), and Kellan Lutz.  Brought to you by Michael Patrick King of SATC fame.

8. That 70’s Show, Seasons 1-4

This show is a stoner’s delight.  Seasons 1-4 maintain consistent laughs with enjoyable fashion and Ashton Kutcher before his ego made him unattractive.  Pull out the bong, gather your friends, and revisit this hilarious series.  Don’t bother with seasons 5+, it’ll just make you wonder how they managed to fuck up such a good thing.

7.   The L Word

To really enjoy a show I need some juicy women characters, and The L Word is in no short supply of strong female leads.  Jennifer Beals of Flashdance nostalgia anchors the show with gravitas; while the poor man’s Jennifer Connelly, Mia Kirshner, brings a certain goth Lolita charm.  Good fashion, great hair, and with all the girl on girl action you might even be able to get your boyfriend on board.

6.  True Blood

I won’t bore you by recapitulating the heaps of praise already ladled on this show, but if you are staying away because you are over the vampire thing, you are really missing out.  True Blood’s heady mood stanks like a Louisiana swamp, think Anne Rice + Twin Peaks + Cheers + a healthy dose of homoeroticism thrown in for good measure.  Don’t worry, after the first or second episode you’ll forget about that huge fucking gap in Paquin’s teeth.

5.  Mad Men

Painstaking research and attention to detail goes into making this show as historically accurate as possible.  No sloppy anachronisms here.  The award-winning costume designers bring bold fashion, raising the stakes each episode.  I don’t know if I love Don Draper or hate him, but I do know I would kill to raid Betty’s closet.

4.  Freaks and Geeks

As far as I’m concerned this is where James Franco, Seth Rogen, and Jason Segel got their start, and they aren’t even the best part of this show. Gets the feeling of early 80’s Detroit just right, and is probably the most accurate depiction of high school of all the high school series.

3.  My So-Called Life

Jordan fucking Catalano bitches!  Jared Leto justifies his increasingly irrelevant existence by having served as Jordan fucking Catalano.  Trust me, this was his peak.  Beyond that muffin, Claire Danes does good work here, as does A.J. Langer as Rayanne Graff.  This show succeeds where many fail in seamlessly integrating the parental story lines with that of the teenagers.  Endlessly quotable dialogue makes up for the dreadful fashion.

2.  Gilmore Girls

When I criticized Gossip Girl for its failure to create over-arching story lines to sustain the series, I was thinking about how Gilmore Girls did this so brilliantly.  The Luke/Lorelai relationship stretched seven seasons without contrived delays.  Lauren Graham was fucking robbed in having never been nominated for an Emmy.  She really shows her chops with her natural delivery of quick-fire witty dialogue.  I will never tire of this show.

  1. Sex and the City

I recently re-watched the entire series to see if it holds up, and I’ll be damned if it doesn’t feel as fresh now as it did in the late 90’s.  Patricia Field created genius, detailed, memorable images.  Every time I watch it, I see something new and brilliant.  She succeeded in never dating the series with clothes.  The themes remain relevant, and Sarah Jessica Parker is at her very best as Carrie Bradshaw.