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Johnny DeppMae WhitmanNatalie PortmanMichael J. FoxLauren SochaJackie Wilson
The Best: Emma Stone in Giambattista Valli
This gorgeous gown fit her body perfectly, accentuated her tiny waist, and stood out in a sea of mediocrity. Don’t love the accessories, but I’m not in the mood to quibble.
You Saw It Here First: Shailene Woodley in Valentino Couture
Fresh from the couture collections, Shailene Woodley wore this modern, white, long-sleeved number. It might look familiar since we featured it as part of the best of Fall 2012 Couture earlier this month. It’s a little old for her, and her face would benefit from a pop of color, but not a flop by any means.
Most Confusing: Viola Davis in Vera Wang
This looks like the homicide of Puff the Magic Dragon. A full-on unmitigated lapse in aesthetic judgment.
Fulfilled Potential: Tina Fey in Carolina Herrera
We’ve all been waiting for Tina Fey to step out looking this good. Finally, she’s really come into her own in this navy peplum-detailed gown.
Evoking a Cult Leader: Gwyneth Paltrow in Tom Ford
I’m not saying I don’t like this, but she’s delivering a whole lot of white here. Can’t you picture her standing at a podium condescendingly addressing an arena full of Goopies in this odd get-up? “Follow me, affluent women, to the land of organic peas…”
Most Offensive Overtry: Jennifer Lopez in Zuhair Murad
Nude illusion Fruit Stripe Gum.
Culmination of a Bad Fashion Awards Season Run: Jessica Chastain
Fashion-wise, Chastain hasn’t found her identity. Her style choices were as varied and uneven as her performances this year. It looks like she skinned Kimora Lee’s sofa. Let this be a lesson – McQueen is not for everyone.
Let Me Upgrade You: Clooney in Armani, Keibler in Marchesa
Clooney’s clout ensures his girls-of-the-moment have access to all the best fashion houses and some very high-end clothes, but even in all their borrowed sartorial finery, his dates still look like they should be holding cards above their heads in the middle of a wrestling ring.
Most Predictable: Pitt in Tom Ford and Jolie in Versace Atelier
I’m so bored with these two. Oh, how fucking shocking you two bitches showed up in black. Close your legs dear, you’re not dancing the can-can. Ever since I heard that thing she said to him at the Globes, I’ve kinda hated them. She turned to him and said “you’re prettier than me.” Fucking voms yo.
The Bridesmaids: Kristin Wiig in J. Mendel
While the bodice of this dress is tailored beautifully for her body, the placement of the break into the texture is awkward and unflattering.
Melissa McCarthy in Marina Rinaldi
Are we calling this mauve? I’m pretty sure we issued a fatwa on mauve at the end of the 80′s.
Maya Rudolph in Johanna Johnson
Here’s one of the few purple looks of the night. It’s a safe, conservative, and unoffensive choice. The side-swept hair is very Mariah.
Building Relationships Pays Off: Octavia Spencer in Tadashi Shoji
After favorable reviews from fashion folk for her Globes look, Octavia went back to Tadashi Shoji for her Oscar gown. Clearly, cultivating that relationship has paid off; the designer knows her body and the fit is beautiful. Second best of the night.
Dress I wanna like, but Don’t: Cameron Diaz in Gucci
I really want to like this Gucci gown, but I don’t. She needs a waist and this dress gives her no shape through the torso. It reminds me of a melting chocolate and vanilla soft-serve twist cone.
Consistently Wasted Potential: Michelle Williams in Louis Vuitton
This dress is too fussy, ill-fitting, and heavy for such a delicate wisp of a girl. This ensemble ain’t right – the necklace, the bag (and I get where they are going with the clash, but here, no), and that gawd awful frump of a saloon-girl-gone-wrong disaster of a frock.
Sure to be Critically Eviscerated: Rooney Mara in Givenchy
No one will get this. Even if they did, the cut isn’t flattering to her body. If you do avant-garde, you have to do it impeccably.
Post-baby Blah: Natalie Portman in vintage Dior
She gave birth to a new era of shitty style.
Two A-List Underwhelmers: Sandra Bullock in Marchesa and Penelope Cruz in Giorgio Armani.
Sandra’s dress isn’t doing her body any favors. Is a gold shrub trying to munch her bush? WTF? Pene, you are almost forty, enough with the princess shit. Join us in 2012.
No single attendee of the the 2012 SAG Awards snatched “best dressed” by a landslide; rather this red carpet showed subtle improvements – like Tilda Swinton in Lanvin, and not so subtle disappointments like a gawd-awful green Emily Blunt in Oscar de la Renta. Many will point to Lea Michele in Versace as best dressed. Does she look good? Yes. Would I be disgusted with myself to name her best dressed? Yes. I’m just not personally feeling this silhouette right now. Even though certain designers are pushing this awkward tea length it’s so hard to wear, as proven by Emma Stone in Alexander McQueen. Michelle Williams wore Valentino. From the waist up, it is magnificent. The shoes and bracelet aren’t right. I’m torn on the subtle asymmetrical hem. She werks the Mia Farrow better than anyone, no?Jessica Chastain let Calvin Klein sculpt her bosom to delightful results. One of the best of the night. What the fuck Kristen Wiig? Explain this deranged necklace choice. Shame on you for ruining a Balanciaga with a bad choker. Shall we discuss the couples? Pitt wore Balenciaga and Jolie wore a Jenny Packham gown reminiscent of a Hefty bag. Clooney wore Armani and Keibler wore a boring black lace Marchesa. Is the dress boring or is she? Both?Me likey Melissa McCarthy’s drapey Badgley Mischka and Natalie Portman in Giambattista Valli too. Glenn Close went big in Zac Posen. Diane Lane wasted her incredible body in David Meister. Vergara and Bowen in Marchesa and Temperely London respectively. I’m not moved by either.Weird whites: Rose Byrne taking a risk in a jumpsuit, (p.s. Is she filming the Anna Wintour biopic with that new hair?)…Zoe Saldana wore Givenchy and it didn’t photograph well. Viola Davis brought the twins to the party in Marchesa. Let’s end on a high note with Kyra in Pucci, though let this serve as a cautionary tale against tattoos. The ink on the rib cheapens the look.
Jolie served in Atelier Versace. She turned it out to pimp her directorial debut. Don’t love the shoes, but when she tries even a little she easily steals the show.
The most improved nod goes to Heidi Klum in Calvin Klein Collection, who usually shows up to these events looking wildly out of place and heinously attired. Mila Kunis looked bored and made this one-strap Christian Dior boring too. She can do better, but can’t seem to shake this recent ugly frock streak. Let’s get the brides out of the way. First, Jessica Chastain arrived in an ill-fitting Givenchy. In recent awards seasons, Givenchy seems to lend out dresses willy-nilly and doesn’t bother to make sure they are tailored correctly. For as many style successes as they have, they have an equal number of fashion failures. Kate Beckinsale always brings the over-try, sponsored here by Roberto Cavalli and accompanied by Len Wiseman.Jessica Biel wore a matrimonial Elie Saab, obviously unable to stifle her wedding enthusiasm. Sofia Vergara showed us the source of the Nile in Vera Wang. Sarah Michelle Gellar drowned in a big blue and white tie-dyed Monique L’huillier. Best grown women: Downton Abbey’s Elizabeth McGovern, Diane Lane and Madge both in Reem Acra.Vivienne Westwood dressed Andrea Riseborough who stars in Madonna’s movie W.E.The gorgeous Gucci girls = Salma Hayek and Evan Rachel Wood.God bless Melissa McCarthy; she tried in Badgley Mischka. Take a cue from Octavia Spencer who looked incredible in a light lavender Tadashi Shoji. Modern Family’s Ariel Winter looks all grown up in Dolce & Gabbana. Shailene Woodley chose a lovely Marchesa gown, but unfortunately paired it with bad posture. Claire Danes deviated from her usual favorites Calvin Klein and Narciso Rodriquez in favor of this embellish-backed J. Mendel number. I’m ambivalent – love the back, hate the front. Michelle Williams wore Jason Wu. She should stick to Prada or Miu Miu. Is that burned out velvet? Emma Stone also failed to impress in a mediocre Lanvin gown. Frieda Pinto wore lapis Prada and it won’t be everyone’s favorite, but I think she’s lovely. Juliana Marguilies also chose a bold color statement with this sleek eggplant Naeem Khan.Laura Dern sparkled in an emerald Andrew Gn gown.Did you get the memo that Reese is reinventing herself as sexy? Zac Posen painted her red and gave her hips. Nicole Richie is quickly morphing into a Real Housewife of Beverly Hills. At first, I loved this Julien MacDonald metallic dress, but the more I look at it, the less excited I am, especially over that messy hem. Where have you been Natalie? We’ve barely seen you since you gave birth. Weird dress by Lanvin. Madeleine Stowe celebrated her career revival in Vera Wang. Charlize Theron is like awards show pizza; even when she’s bad she’s not that bad, and here she’s pretty decent in Dior Couture. If only she could wipe that smug-ass look off her (recently tweaked?) face.
Gemini – arms
Mutable and governed by air, Gemini’s moods, ideas, and opinions shift as easily as the breeze. Others may find your fickle personality frustrating, but versatility provides a distinct advantage in certain situations. Geminis have a leitmotif of fun, relaxation, and good times this summer. A care-free fling, platonic or romantic, imbues new energy in the atmosphere and adds a little glide to the stride. Financially, June proves unpredictable, so mellow on the extracurricular spending. Don’t front the cost for your own birthday fun. If cheap friends bristle at the expense of the celebration, leave them out.
Extra special Birthday Shoutout to Demeter Clarc’s favorite Gemini and in-house tech-support EMC. Without your genius, DC could not be. xox
Cancer – chest
Here we are in June, what have you accomplished so far this year? For Crabs, the answer is quite a bit – thank you very much! All the recent upheaval has taxed your energy and resources. Be especially mindful of overdrafting your account, literally and metaphorically. The stars signal self-indulgence, but since you trend toward giving into worldly desires, consider a novel approach to self-care. Maybe a cleanse or meditation retreat? The second-half of 2011 looks fruitful, with broader influence and game-changing leadership opportunities at work.
Leo – spine
“Got a secret. Can you keep it? Swear this one you’ll save. Better lock it, in your pocket. Taking this one to the grave. If I show you then I know you. Won’t tell what I said. Cause two can keep a secret. If one of them is dead…” The Pierces Secret song is your theme this month. You got your lion paws on some intel which suggests an opportunity. How will you play it? Always popular with the opposite sex, June connects Leos with an insightful comrade who guides you towards an epiphany concerning your life’s work.
Virgo – belly
June serves up a slew of group gatherings; some aspects of the get-togethers will be pleasurable and others annoying. Dress comfortably so one of the irritations isn’t ill-advised attire. Throughout this year, Virgos have struggled when ethics and money clash. June is no different. Prepare for the possibility that this fermenting struggle might blow this month. Virgos spend time and energy sprucing up the abode. This investment brings about a new sense of domesticity, happiness, and renewed feelings.
Libra – skin
Feelings of anxiety surface due to unpredictable relationship and career news. Don’t freak; everything will go according to design. Make stress relief a priority, keep up with yoga, meditate, and take unpressured strolls. In-laws suck up some attention in June. Expect a flurry of extra emails, texts and errands that will vampire your already taxed time. One area of concern you can set aside? Finances. Libras enjoy a gilded June. Save more than you spend.
Scorpio – genitals
June rains bank on Scorpios from multiple directions and sources. Even though Scorpios roll in the deep, keep out of the shops a third of the way through the month to avoid credit issues. June ain’t great for travel; take a riveting book and expect delays. Try to maintain your pleasing personality, because when your mood sours, you take everyone down with you. For many Scorpios, more sex = more patience, so work on getting laid regularly this summer.
Sagittarius – hips and thighs
Spend energy creating connections through communication and compromise this June. Sagittarian cooperation impresses others and leads to a variety of beneficial relationships. Perhaps even locking down an engagement or major commitment? Keep the pocketbook shut this month Sag. June is rife with potential financial complications concerning your credit/debit cards. Use cash when possible, monitor accounts, and follow up on any suspicious activity within three days.
Capricorn – knees
Family and work feed into an already stressful Capricorn head space this June. Under times of pressure, Caps often turn from their close confidants who are best equipped to support them. Fight the impulse to push others away, and make time to decompress with a special someone. Fail to heed the stars and invite increasing conflict. June creates a favorable environment for creative expression. Get back to what you love, or check out something you have been itching to try. Capricorns aren’t usually big gossips, but listen for the dirt at the work place this month, so you’ll be prepared for the shit that goes down later this summer.
Aquarius – calves
Aquarians battle haters trying to dim your shine this month. Keep the guard up and protect your interests. Find support and restoration with good company and light-hearted entertainment. Trying to conceive? The stars look favorable for a new edition. Find a cool, dark room to retreat to for extra rest when life’s pressures become overwhelming, especially towards the end of the month. Invite others to visit you; Aquarians risk perilous travel in June.
Pisces – feet
Ramp up for a busy twelve month run Pisces! Family relations brim with positivity and warmth. In contrast, friendships suffer mid-month. Don’t let the conflict spiral out of control, especially if plans are already in place for travel with this person later in the summer. Instead of engaging in tense bitchery with amici, let your light shine by showcasing your extraordinary talents.
Aries – head
The eloquence faerie visits Aries, bringing the gift of mellifluousness. Deliver grand speeches and professions of love because Aries will articulate thoughts in a particularly clear and memorable manner the first twelve days of June. Take a holiday the 1st and the 15th, or hell, take a holiday the 1st through the 15th! Why not? The piggy bank’s fat with bacon this June.
Taurus – neck
After a busy May, June serves an optimistic and uncluttered outlook for Taurus. Enjoy sunny bright mornings and lazy evenings on the deck. Bullheaded as usual, Taurus experiences relationship drama at nearly every interaction, whether personal or professional. Shoulder some of the blame for the discord. Always responsible with the dough, look out for the opportunity for more delicious cake to sweeten the deal in early June.
Pisces Elizabeth Taylor – 27 February 1932
Hey there little birthday fishies. Half the time you go with the flow; the other half you struggle against the current trying to make your way upstream. Expect an extra dose of clumsy thanks to planetary fuckery. Leave yourself enough time and pay attention. Crutches really strip the swagger and ruin an outfit. Especially enticing around the 18-19th, don’t waste your amped allure, Pisces. Trade on the currency and let your admirers pay for the fun this month. Wasting money ain’t an option this March.
Aries Joan Crawford – 23 March 1905
After a run of good luck Aries, sorry to say you are super fucked this month. Blame Mercury in retrograde. Mistakes, confusion, computer crash, accidents – you can’t stop the chaos, but try to remain supple in response. Not all bad news this March, opportunities with long-reaching future benefits (or consequences) surface. Best to focus efforts on friendships for the next few weeks. Set up a few dates now, because later this month work will be miserable and tense.
TaurusKatharine Hepburn – 12 May 1907
Taurus glows this month, shining socially and professionally. New connections and inspiring people enter the mix. Cultivate old and new friendships; the soil is rich with all the right makings for meaningful affiliations. Love and romance too blooms and thrives now. The moon and planets align for Taurus this month, so take advantage and wake from the winter hibernation.
GeminiNatalie Portman – 9 June 1981
All the energy swirls around career this month for you Gemini. A certain work project leads you down an interesting and unexpected path. Intelligence has never been the problem; it is a lack of patience that delays your personal and professional advancement. Invest in your career by attending trips, continuing education, or networking seminars. Spend dough only on endeavors that pay career dividends this month – i.e. social events with a career-enhancing angle.
CancerMeryl Streep – 22 June 1949
Work has finally hit the shitter. Save your ass by keeping a paper trail. All the stress has got you fleeing for warmer waters. Try checking out a new place for a quick getaway. Communication flows and Crabs get their message across clearly now. Don’t worry about money so much; a flux of income – maybe not yours, but at least in family – is headed your way. Therefore, set your financial anxiety aside and think about this new career phase.
LeoAngela Bassett – 16 August 1958
Stick close to home Leos; delays, cancellations and lost luggage are on the cards for you this month. Brace for mechanical problems with vehicles and appliances. Set aside a safety net for repairs. Planetary alignment creates an atmosphere ripe for learning over the next eight years. Consider investing in new education or specialized training. Leos are accustomed to attention, but this month folks will be especially receptive to your ideas.
VirgoIngrid Bergman – 29 August 1915
Like some of your astrological cousins, March brings chaos for you too Virgo, but this time in the form of financial mistakes. Avoid any messiness: review statements carefully and pay bills timely. After a rough patch personally, circumstances change and significant improvements are to your credit in the relationship realm. Now is an excellent time to revamp your tired-ass look. Finally things ease at work and cash-flow increases, perhaps in the form of a recognition, raise, bonus or gift. Verify the veracity of gossip before passing it on.
Libra Susan Sarandon – 4 October 1946
Invest in some new bedding and loungewear. March aspires to sleeping-in, relaxation, and brunch. Take it easy, and this should be a great month for you. Throughout the coming year, friendships will face a series of challenges. Some amis prove their worth and others fall by the wayside. Over the next two months in particular, focus attention on a relationship decision, but apply caution before acting. Professionally, expect long-awaited news.
Scorpio Whoopi Goldberg – 13 November 1955
After a relatively peaceful stretch, conflict pops up again this month. Trying to tell a Scorpio to avoid discord is like telling a fish to avoid water, but restrain from taking sides. Domestic bliss comprised of lazy evenings and easy weekends dapple March. Freshen the nest, clean, rearrange, and redecorate. Friendships and romantic associations fill out the month; anticipate a few interesting new acquaintances. Professionally, quick decisions precipitate rapid change.
SagittariusMo’Nique – 11 December 1967
March is all about competing values. Friendships, romance, money, career, and self all struggle for attention this month. Consciously choose where to spend your time and effort. As you may have noticed, the scattershot approach isn’t very effective. One suggestion: turn on that Sag charm and play Betty Crocker. Even though your words are all wit and woo, clarify thoughts before speaking, avoid assumptions, and give others the benefit of the doubt.
Capricorn Luise Rainer – 12 January 1910
March finds Caps balancing a number of serious responsibilities. Since juggling isn’t really your thing, the stress of it causes you to lash out. We always hurt the ones we love and shit, right? Always good with the pesos, the finances look stable, even though that bonus fell short of your prediction. Purchase household items the first week of the month for value. Shopping the last week of the month spells rip-off.
Aquarius Geena Davis – 21 January 1957
This is an interesting March for you Aquarius. First off, surprises are on the horizon. An extra dose of intriguing charisma increases your attraction and power. At the very end of the month, close relationships suffer upset. Turn the compassion way up. Financially, now is the time to budget for the rest of the coming year. This month, take extra care behind the wheel – no tailgating.
The award for most improved goes to Jennifer Lawrence in Calvin Klein Collection. After a tragic run, bitch clearly got a stylist. Also Calvin Klein-clad was Gwyneth Paltrow. Many went crazy for this look, but the severe middle parted hair with the long narrow plunging neck evoked butt crack. GOOP wins for most over-rated, and that doesn’t just apply to her fashion choices.Two old ladies in Dior Couture: Nicole Kidman and Sharon Stone. Sharon served a little high-end Cruella DeVille with a good dress and bad hair. Marchesa’s minions, Halle and Hailee. This gown’s a little too young and try-hard on Halle. Hailee finally succumbed to the princess pressure after several chic and tailored moments this awards season. This awkward length doesn’t flatter her. Celine Dion and Reese Witherspoon werked Armani Privé, two of the strongest looks of the night. Anyone else suspicious why Reese looked a little too proud of herself all night. We all knew the Rodarte was coming. Portman loves Kate and Laura Mulleavy. After all the built-up expectation, this plum number was just okay. Some of that train should have been repurposed to fill out the front hemline. Also repping purple, Scarjo in Dolce & Gabbana taking the baton from Michelle Williams to finish the defiantly unattractive relay. Mila chose lilac Elie Saab and looked absolutely fantastic. She managed to balance sweet and sexy – arguably the best, except for that awful makeup.Another best dressed contender, the always impeccable and fashion-forward Cate Blanchett in Givenchy Couture. Hilary Swank also ventured into slightly new territory in Gucci. Swank’s softly sculpted eye makeup was undoubtedly some of the best cosmetic artistry of the night. Michelle Williams gave good glam with stunningly perfect hair and makeup. Three ladies arrived in gowns previously featured on Demeter Clarc: Amy Adams in L’Wren Scott, Giuliana Rancic in Christian Siriano, and Mandy Moore in Monique L’huillier. Remember, you saw it here first.Penelope, Jennifer Hudson (Versace), Anne Hathaway (archival Valentino), and Sandra Bullock (Vera Wang) opted for a range of carmine hues. The rosebuds were neither particularly interesting nor especially fug. These four surfed the crimson sea of mediocrity.Worst without needed elaboration: Marisa Tomei in vintage Charles James and Melissa Leo in Marc Bouwer.
Five totally legitimate reasons to wank off.
Men who ejaculated more than five times a week through masturbating were a third less likely to develop prostate cancer according to one study. Doctors chalk this up to the benefits of “clearing the pipes” by releasing toxin concentrations which accumulate over time. Masturbation helps prevent cervical infections and relieve urinary tract infections. Going into more detail requires a graphic explanation of cervical tenting, so just trust this advice and keep it moving.Studies show masturbation promotes cardiovascular health and lowers the risk of type-2 diabetes. Rub one out for your heart, man.Self-diddling naturally combats insomnia through hormonal and tension release. Recently, in the middle of the night, a friend’s roommate walked in while he was in bed with his girlfriend, sat on a chair (strewn with aforementioned girlfriend’s clothing), and took a nice long piss. The next morning, the roommate claimed a case of Ambienesia, saying she remembered nothing. Why risk a pharmaceutically-induced unintended public pissing situation? Put the pharmies down and use that hand for something more useful, like whacking off. Combine Ambien and wanking at your own risk.Turn that frown upside-down; petting the kitty releases euphoria-inducing oxytocin. Like ecstasy, but without the pesky brain holes.
Best dressed goes to Julie Bowen for her flattering and original Catherine Malandrino jumpsuit. Julie gets the prize because this may be the best she’s ever looked. Hitting her fashion stride, the choice highlighted her toned arms and tiny waist. Christina Hendricks also deserves compliments for reining in her (allegedly enhanced) rack in this elegant long-sleeved L’wren Scott gown. Modern and slimming, a much-improved showing for our Joanie. Yeah, yeah, Mila looked great in Alexander McQueen. Finally, she picked a gown that does her justice. She’ll be the obvious contender for “best dressed” among the mainstream critics. It wouldn’t be a proper awards show without a Demeter Clarc selection making the cut. This time Julia Stiles worked this Monique L’huillier ombre from the Pre-Fall 2011 collection. Don’t love the uninspired hair, but she gives good gown. A trio of cap-sleeved gowns appeared on January Jones, Jenna Fischer, and Nicole Kidman. Jayma Mayes and Jennifer Lawrence worked detailed variations of the theme. None were particularly spectacular. On the fug continuum, Jayma sits on the least offensive end and Jenna on the way, way, way other side. Heather Morris, Kyra Sedgwick, and Sarah Hyland served sexy strapless. Tina Fey, Winona Ryder, Claire Danes, Dianna Agron, Julianna Margulies, and Natalie Portman sucked all the seduction out of the silhouette. Angie Harmon suffered from a serious case of overcompensation. I’m so mad at Winona. The one-shoulder women, tasteful Hilary Swank wearing Versace, and budget Kim Kardashian in Marchesa. While originality is always appreciated, the most interesting part of Eva Longoria’s Georges Hobeika gown was estimating how much titty tape went into tacking that strap down. Sophia Vergara joked that she makes everything look like Cavalli. Unfortunately, that means she makes Cavalli look like Jovani. Lea Michele came with a whole different take on the deep-V in Oscar de la Renta. Overall, it was a very de la Renta-heavy evening.
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