The Best: Emma Stone in Giambattista Valli
This gorgeous gown fit her body perfectly, accentuated her tiny waist, and stood out in a sea of mediocrity. Don’t love the accessories, but I’m not in the mood to quibble.
You Saw It Here First: Shailene Woodley in Valentino Couture
Fresh from the couture collections, Shailene Woodley wore this modern, white, long-sleeved number. It might look familiar since we featured it as part of the best of Fall 2012 Couture earlier this month. It’s a little old for her, and her face would benefit from a pop of color, but not a flop by any means.
Most Confusing: Viola Davis in Vera Wang

This looks like the homicide of Puff the Magic Dragon. A full-on unmitigated lapse in aesthetic judgment.
Fulfilled Potential: Tina Fey in Carolina Herrera

We’ve all been waiting for Tina Fey to step out looking this good. Finally, she’s really come into her own in this navy peplum-detailed gown.
Evoking a Cult Leader: Gwyneth Paltrow in Tom Ford

I’m not saying I don’t like this, but she’s delivering a whole lot of white here. Can’t you picture her standing at a podium condescendingly addressing an arena full of Goopies in this odd get-up? “Follow me, affluent women, to the land of organic peas…”
Most Offensive Overtry: Jennifer Lopez in Zuhair Murad

Nude illusion Fruit Stripe Gum.
Culmination of a Bad Fashion Awards Season Run: Jessica Chastain

Fashion-wise, Chastain hasn’t found her identity. Her style choices were as varied and uneven as her performances this year. It looks like she skinned Kimora Lee’s sofa. Let this be a lesson – McQueen is not for everyone.
Let Me Upgrade You: Clooney in Armani, Keibler in Marchesa

Clooney’s clout ensures his girls-of-the-moment have access to all the best fashion houses and some very high-end clothes, but even in all their borrowed sartorial finery, his dates still look like they should be holding cards above their heads in the middle of a wrestling ring.
Most Predictable: Pitt in Tom Ford and Jolie in Versace Atelier

I’m so bored with these two. Oh, how fucking shocking you two bitches showed up in black. Close your legs dear, you’re not dancing the can-can. Ever since I heard that thing she said to him at the Globes, I’ve kinda hated them. She turned to him and said “you’re prettier than me.” Fucking voms yo.
The Bridesmaids: Kristin Wiig in J. Mendel
While the bodice of this dress is tailored beautifully for her body, the placement of the break into the texture is awkward and unflattering.
Melissa McCarthy in Marina Rinaldi
Are we calling this mauve? I’m pretty sure we issued a fatwa on mauve at the end of the 80′s.
Maya Rudolph in Johanna Johnson

Here’s one of the few purple looks of the night. It’s a safe, conservative, and unoffensive choice. The side-swept hair is very Mariah.
Building Relationships Pays Off: Octavia Spencer in Tadashi Shoji
After favorable reviews from fashion folk for her Globes look, Octavia went back to Tadashi Shoji for her Oscar gown. Clearly, cultivating that relationship has paid off; the designer knows her body and the fit is beautiful. Second best of the night.
Dress I wanna like, but Don’t: Cameron Diaz in Gucci
I really want to like this Gucci gown, but I don’t. She needs a waist and this dress gives her no shape through the torso. It reminds me of a melting chocolate and vanilla soft-serve twist cone.
Consistently Wasted Potential: Michelle Williams in Louis Vuitton

This dress is too fussy, ill-fitting, and heavy for such a delicate wisp of a girl. This ensemble ain’t right – the necklace, the bag (and I get where they are going with the clash, but here, no), and that gawd awful frump of a saloon-girl-gone-wrong disaster of a frock.
Sure to be Critically Eviscerated: Rooney Mara in Givenchy

No one will get this. Even if they did, the cut isn’t flattering to her body. If you do avant-garde, you have to do it impeccably.
Post-baby Blah: Natalie Portman in vintage Dior
She gave birth to a new era of shitty style.
Two A-List Underwhelmers: Sandra Bullock in Marchesa and Penelope Cruz in Giorgio Armani.
Sandra’s dress isn’t doing her body any favors. Is a gold shrub trying to munch her bush? WTF? Pene, you are almost forty, enough with the princess shit. Join us in 2012. 
No single attendee of the the 2012 SAG Awards snatched “best dressed” by a landslide; rather this red carpet showed subtle improvements – like Tilda Swinton in Lanvin, and not so subtle disappointments like a gawd-awful green Emily Blunt in Oscar de la Renta. 
Many will point to Lea Michele in Versace as best dressed. Does she look good? Yes. Would I be disgusted with myself to name her best dressed? Yes.
I’m just not personally feeling this silhouette right now. Even though certain designers are pushing this awkward tea length it’s so hard to wear, as proven by Emma Stone in Alexander McQueen.
Michelle Williams wore Valentino. From the waist up, it is magnificent. The shoes and bracelet aren’t right. I’m torn on the subtle asymmetrical hem. She werks the Mia Farrow better than anyone, no?
Jessica Chastain let Calvin Klein sculpt her bosom to delightful results. One of the best of the night.
What the fuck Kristen Wiig? Explain this deranged necklace choice. Shame on you for ruining a Balanciaga with a bad choker.
Shall we discuss the couples? Pitt wore Balenciaga and Jolie wore a Jenny Packham gown reminiscent of a Hefty bag. Clooney wore Armani and Keibler wore a boring black lace Marchesa. Is the dress boring or is she? Both?
Me likey Melissa McCarthy’s drapey Badgley Mischka and Natalie Portman in Giambattista Valli too. 
Glenn Close went big in Zac Posen. Diane Lane wasted her incredible body in David Meister. 
Vergara and Bowen in Marchesa and Temperely London respectively. I’m not moved by either.
Weird whites: Rose Byrne taking a risk in a jumpsuit, (p.s. Is she filming the Anna Wintour biopic with that new hair?)…
Zoe Saldana wore Givenchy and it didn’t photograph well.
Viola Davis brought the twins to the party in Marchesa.
Let’s end on a high note with Kyra in Pucci, though let this serve as a cautionary tale against tattoos. The ink on the rib cheapens the look. 
Jolie served in Atelier Versace. She turned it out to pimp her directorial debut. Don’t love the shoes, but when she tries even a little she easily steals the show. 
Mila Kunis looked bored and made this one-strap Christian Dior boring too. She can do better, but can’t seem to shake this recent ugly frock streak.
Let’s get the brides out of the way. First, Jessica Chastain arrived in an ill-fitting Givenchy. In recent awards seasons, Givenchy seems to lend out dresses willy-nilly and doesn’t bother to make sure they are tailored correctly. For as many style successes as they have, they have an equal number of fashion failures.
Kate Beckinsale always brings the over-try, sponsored here by Roberto Cavalli and accompanied by Len Wiseman.
Jessica Biel wore a matrimonial Elie Saab, obviously unable to stifle her wedding enthusiasm.
Sofia Vergara showed us the source of the Nile in Vera Wang. Sarah Michelle Gellar drowned in a big blue and white tie-dyed Monique L’huillier. 
Best grown women: Downton Abbey’s Elizabeth McGovern, Diane Lane and Madge both in Reem Acra.
Vivienne Westwood dressed Andrea Riseborough who stars in Madonna’s movie W.E.
The gorgeous Gucci girls = Salma Hayek and Evan Rachel Wood.
God bless Melissa McCarthy; she tried in Badgley Mischka. Take a cue from Octavia Spencer who looked incredible in a light lavender Tadashi Shoji. 
Modern Family’s Ariel Winter looks all grown up in Dolce & Gabbana. Shailene Woodley chose a lovely Marchesa gown, but unfortunately paired it with bad posture. 
Claire Danes deviated from her usual favorites Calvin Klein and Narciso Rodriquez in favor of this embellish-backed J. Mendel number. I’m ambivalent – love the back, hate the front.
Michelle Williams wore Jason Wu. She should stick to Prada or Miu Miu. Is that burned out velvet? Emma Stone also failed to impress in a mediocre Lanvin gown. 
Frieda Pinto wore lapis Prada and it won’t be everyone’s favorite, but I think she’s lovely. Juliana Marguilies also chose a bold color statement with this sleek eggplant Naeem Khan.
Laura Dern sparkled in an emerald Andrew Gn gown.
Did you get the memo that Reese is reinventing herself as sexy? Zac Posen painted her red and gave her hips.
Nicole Richie is quickly morphing into a Real Housewife of Beverly Hills. At first, I loved this Julien MacDonald metallic dress, but the more I look at it, the less excited I am, especially over that messy hem.
Where have you been Natalie? We’ve barely seen you since you gave birth. Weird dress by Lanvin.
Madeleine Stowe celebrated her career revival in Vera Wang. Charlize Theron is like awards show pizza; even when she’s bad she’s not that bad, and here she’s pretty decent in Dior Couture. If only she could wipe that smug-ass look off her (recently tweaked?) face. 



“Got a secret. Can you keep it? Swear this one you’ll save. Better lock it, in your pocket. Taking this one to the grave. If I show you then I know you. Won’t tell what I said. Cause two can keep a secret. If one of them is dead…” The Pierces Secret song is your theme this month. You got your lion paws on some intel which suggests an opportunity. How will you play it? Always popular with the opposite sex, June connects Leos with an insightful comrade who guides you towards an epiphany concerning your life’s work.
Feelings of anxiety surface due to unpredictable relationship and career news. Don’t freak; everything will go according to design. Make stress relief a priority, keep up with yoga, meditate, and take unpressured strolls. In-laws suck up some attention in June. Expect a flurry of extra emails, texts and errands that will vampire your already taxed time. One area of concern you can set aside? Finances. Libras enjoy a gilded June. Save more than you spend.







Elizabeth Taylor – 27 February 1932
Joan Crawford – 23 March 1905
Katharine Hepburn – 12 May 1907
Natalie Portman – 9 June 1981
Meryl Streep – 22 June 1949
Angela Bassett – 16 August 1958
Ingrid Bergman – 29 August 1915
Susan Sarandon – 4 October 1946
Whoopi Goldberg – 13 November 1955
Mo’Nique – 11 December 1967
Luise Rainer – 12 January 1910
Geena Davis – 21 January 1957
Also Calvin Klein-clad was Gwyneth Paltrow. Many went crazy for this look, but the severe middle parted hair with the long narrow plunging neck evoked butt crack. GOOP wins for most over-rated, and that doesn’t just apply to her fashion choices.
Two old ladies in Dior Couture: Nicole Kidman and Sharon Stone. Sharon served a little high-end Cruella DeVille with a good dress and bad hair. 
Marchesa’s minions, Halle and Hailee. This gown’s a little too young and try-hard on Halle. Hailee finally succumbed to the princess pressure after several chic and tailored moments this awards season. This awkward length doesn’t flatter her. 
Celine Dion and Reese Witherspoon werked Armani Privé, two of the strongest looks of the night. Anyone else suspicious why Reese looked a little too proud of herself all night. 
We all knew the Rodarte was coming. Portman loves Kate and Laura Mulleavy. After all the built-up expectation, this plum number was just okay. Some of that train should have been repurposed to fill out the front hemline. Also repping purple, Scarjo in Dolce & Gabbana taking the baton from Michelle Williams to finish the defiantly unattractive relay.
Mila chose lilac Elie Saab and looked absolutely fantastic. She managed to balance sweet and sexy – arguably the best, except for that awful makeup.
Another best dressed contender, the always impeccable and fashion-forward Cate Blanchett in Givenchy Couture. 
Hilary Swank also ventured into slightly new territory in Gucci. Swank’s softly sculpted eye makeup was undoubtedly some of the best cosmetic artistry of the night. Michelle Williams gave good glam with stunningly perfect hair and makeup. 
Three ladies arrived in gowns previously featured on Demeter Clarc: Amy Adams in L’Wren Scott, Giuliana Rancic in Christian Siriano, and Mandy Moore in Monique L’huillier. Remember, you saw it here first.

Penelope, Jennifer Hudson (Versace), Anne Hathaway (archival Valentino), and Sandra Bullock (Vera Wang) opted for a range of carmine hues. The rosebuds were neither particularly interesting nor especially fug. These four surfed the crimson sea of mediocrity.


Worst without needed elaboration: Marisa Tomei in vintage Charles James and Melissa Leo in Marc Bouwer. 
Five totally legitimate reasons to wank off.
Men who ejaculated more than five times a week through masturbating were a third less likely to develop prostate cancer according to one study. Doctors chalk this up to the benefits of “clearing the pipes” by releasing toxin concentrations which accumulate over time.
Masturbation helps prevent cervical infections and relieve urinary tract infections. Going into more detail requires a graphic explanation of cervical tenting, so just trust this advice and keep it moving.
Studies show masturbation promotes cardiovascular health and lowers the risk of type-2 diabetes. Rub one out for your heart, man.
Self-diddling naturally combats insomnia through hormonal and tension release. Recently, in the middle of the night, a friend’s roommate walked in while he was in bed with his girlfriend, sat on a chair (strewn with aforementioned girlfriend’s clothing), and took a nice long piss. The next morning, the roommate claimed a case of Ambienesia, saying she remembered nothing. Why risk a pharmaceutically-induced unintended public pissing situation? Put the pharmies down and use that hand for something more useful, like whacking off. Combine Ambien and wanking at your own risk.
Turn that frown upside-down; petting the kitty releases euphoria-inducing oxytocin. Like ecstasy, but without the pesky brain holes.

Best dressed goes to Julie Bowen for her flattering and original Catherine Malandrino jumpsuit. Julie gets the prize because this may be the best she’s ever looked. Hitting her fashion stride, the choice highlighted her toned arms and tiny waist.
Christina Hendricks also deserves compliments for reining in her (allegedly enhanced) rack in this elegant long-sleeved L’wren Scott gown. Modern and slimming, a much-improved showing for our Joanie.
Yeah, yeah, Mila looked great in Alexander McQueen. Finally, she picked a gown that does her justice. She’ll be the obvious contender for “best dressed” among the mainstream critics.
It wouldn’t be a proper awards show without a Demeter Clarc selection making the cut. This time Julia Stiles worked this Monique L’huillier ombre from the Pre-Fall 2011 collection. Don’t love the uninspired hair, but she gives good gown.
A trio of cap-sleeved gowns appeared on January Jones, Jenna Fischer, and Nicole Kidman. Jayma Mayes and Jennifer Lawrence worked detailed variations of the theme. None were particularly spectacular. 
On the fug continuum, Jayma sits on the least offensive end and Jenna on the way, way, way other side. 

Heather Morris, Kyra Sedgwick, and Sarah Hyland served sexy strapless. Tina Fey, Winona Ryder, Claire Danes, Dianna Agron, Julianna Margulies, and Natalie Portman sucked all the seduction out of the silhouette. Angie Harmon suffered from a serious case of overcompensation. I’m so mad at Winona. 








The one-shoulder women, tasteful Hilary Swank wearing Versace, and budget Kim Kardashian in Marchesa. 
While originality is always appreciated, the most interesting part of Eva Longoria’s Georges Hobeika gown was estimating how much titty tape went into tacking that strap down.
Sophia Vergara joked that she makes everything look like Cavalli. Unfortunately, that means she makes Cavalli look like Jovani. Lea Michele came with a whole different take on the deep-V in Oscar de la Renta. Overall, it was a very de la Renta-heavy evening. 


Calvin Klein Collection provided intense color and clean lines resulting in two of the most refreshing looks of the evening – Emma Stone and Claire Danes. 
The two biggest disappointments were Jennifer Lawrence in Louis Vuitton and Scarlett Johansson in Elie Saab. These were not the most offensive gowns of the evening, but neither selection does its wearer justice. Since this was one of Scarjo’s first appearances post-divorce announcement, her failure to turn it out is really inexcusable. 
More than ever, these mega-gowns feel really antiquated. Catherine Zeta-Jones goes to prom in Monique L’huillier…
Eva Longoria looks like she’s dragging her grief behind her in this Zac Posen.
Who invited Hewitt?

Awkward and abysmal asymmetry abounded; unfortch, no one executed this look correctly.



Julianne Moore tried her best to work a Lanvin dress that was in desperate need of a good steam. Nicole Kidman bored us in Prada.
Granny gown girls: Leighton Meester misfired again in Burberry and Michelle Williams continues her defiantly unappealing streak in Valentino. 
The two most overrated? Sophia Vergara in Vera loves-a-sash Wang and Angelina Jolie in Versace. Hey Angie, Joan Collins called and demanded you return her gown. 
The most stylish and appropriately dressed youngin’ was Hailee Steinfeld in Prabal Gurung. Sarah Hyland could have used some guidance away from this fug Max Azria. 
Many folks will criticize Natalie Portman’s Viktor & Rolf gown, but who can be mad at this feminine display of whimsy? Olivia Wilde deviated from the crowd with this full-skirted, sparkly, starry night Marchesa gown. 


The Glee girls gave good gownage. 



