Tag Archives: New Year’s Eve

4 nye NOTCUTES

Patterned TightsPATTERNED TIGHTS

Patterned tights are the cornstarch of accessories – they thicken, and not in a good way.

Black Matte Jersey BORIN ANDREW MARC MATTE JERSEY

The Nineties are well done.  Retire the black matte jersey in exchange for a more modern fabric.

Fugly BootsFUG BOOTS

Look down.  Did your feet help make 2013 the year of the fug boot?  I blame Steve Madden.

SequinsSEQUINED DRESSES OF FUG

 

Sequins are just too obvious and try-hard for NYE unless you are doing some sort of ironic Bob Mackie tribute.

Fizzy

Demeter Clarc Manners Moment: Forbidden Friday

So no matter what happens this weekend, we are absolutely forbidden from partaking in the following behaviors.

Childish Alcoholic Douchebaggery.

No belly shots, keg stands, quarters, beruit, or other drinking games spawned from the land of Kappa Kappa Kunts.  Trust me – you’ve graduated.

Enjoy no more than 5 cocktails, and if any one of you makes that Mercy-laced cocktail recipe courtesy of GOOP then I will issue an official fatwa on your ass.  Take that shit to Gwyneth’s townhouse.  Wanna cure your hangover?  Set aside a fat rail from your eight ball and reserve it for breakfast.  Problem solved.  Put that in your newsletter Mizz Martin.

Mopping up the Dregs.

No matter how desperate, horny, or lonely, avoid finding a fuck partner the last twenty minutes the bar is open.  When has a truly satisfying sexual experience come from sorting through the dregs at last call?  Better question, how many of these encounters require a side order of Valtrex with the following morning’s Mimosa brunch.  Don’t kick off 2012 with a trip to the free clinic.

Including the drama couple.

Most of us are friends with at least one couple that can’t make it through an entire evening without getting into some loud dramatic stunt queen shit that sours the fun for everyone.  Avoid those assholes this weekend.

Drinking and Driving

DUI’s are so 2007 and so inexcusable.  For those dumbasses thinking of riding home on their bikes drunk (FYI, you can still get a DUI on a bike), did I ever tell you about that night I spent in the hospital with my friend Oskar after he cracked his head open drunk biking home from the bars one night?  Fun story.

Bitch & Complain

Nothing sucks up fun like a whiny bitch.  I’ll sum this up with one of my favorite quotes (which has been attributed to several different people including: Katharine Hepburn, Wallis Simpson, Henry Ford II, Benjamin Disraeli, and John Wayne, but who knows where it originated?)

Never Complain.  Never Explain.

HOLIDAY HAIR

Beehive PonyDirty Bed HeadTeased to PleaseFor the BoysNaturalBardot ForevahBlunt and SleekTop HeavyLow-Slung Texture

6 days to salvage 2011

If the day after Christmas has left you with a holiday hangover, consider using the last precious days of the year to accomplish a few unmet goals.  Rather than waiting until NYE to make some phony resolution, begin the new year with the confidence that comes from triumphing over obstacles.  First off, your space is filthy, so a good pre-New Year purge wouldn’t hurt, right?  Like when is the last time you really mopped?  What difference would 3 hours dedicated to tidiness make in your life?  What impact could a donation of all your unused crap mean to someone in need?  Now is your chance to make up for snubbing that Salvation Army bell ringer this year.  It is never too late for generosity.If your goal this year was to cultivate fun, you still have 5 days to plan an execute a bitching NYE party.  How about a trade-your-most-hideous-gift exchange party?  The fiesta provides another avenue to declutter (see #1) and an opportunity to trade it for something you might actually like, even if only ironically.

Schedule preventative care appointments.  Now is as good a time as any to schedule dentist, mammogram, colonoscopy and all those other screenings that can save you from critical malfunctions.  Maintenance is everything.  I care for you and want you healthy for 2o12 and beyond.

Here’s to rising to the challenge of accomplishing more in the last week of the year than bong hits and Teen Mom 2 marathons.