Most people won’t get it, but Anja Rubik (in Anthony Vacarello) managed what many could not at the 2013 Met Gala. The model executed on the punk theme without falling into some of the most common sartorial traps of the evening (don’t worry, we’ll get there). The shape, color, and fabric reference punk while remaining high fashion. If this puresex look isn’t totally fuckable, you tell me what is? 
Let’s just get this GOOP out of the way right now before this candy-coated bitch drives me to distraction. I thought Paltrow swore off pink gowns after that cloying Ralph Lauren she donned for her Oscar win. Is she fucking with us? I loathe this Valentino Couture gown on so many levels I can only assume she chose it as her hate campaign uniform. Nude illusion, really girl? Pink shiny too short long sleeves? What? A puddle of bridesmaid satin pink? Incomprehensible. How is she going to sell those expensive gym memberships when the skinny bitch actually looks chubby (gasp!)?
Who the fuck did Kanye blow to get Kim in this year? So this florabomination is courtesy of Riccardo Tisci. I’m not sure we can blame him. All I can focus on is her Miss Piggy foot. Poor pregnant Kim is puffed up painfully and spilling over the edge of that shoe. The gloves are totally freaking me out. Hand camo. 
Cameron Diaz served up a spiky-waisted Stella McCartney in a bold blue cape style. I dislike how this frock is both droopy and restrictive. 
After all that Hathaway drama at the Oscars, Amanda drew upon all her Givenchy spokesbitch connections to score this archive gown. I think it is fucking genius. Suck it Anne! 
In Valentino, Anne Hathaway’s boobs channeled Madonna’s titties from the Express Yourself video, right? Do we like Annie as a blonde? I don’t hate it, but the brassy color is undoubtedly aging. 
Christina Ricci knocked on the door of the right fashion house – Vivienne Westwood – for a post-punk glam moment, but it looks like she got tangled up in the tartan. I do love the orange lip and fishnets. 
Ashley Olsen robbed a Palm Beach Socialite of her vintage Christian Dior Couture for her sherbet sparkling Met moment. In keeping with her body dismorphic trademark style, Mary-Kate wore Chanel and Balmain that was five sizes too big for her. 
I get the impression Allison Williams takes herself way too seriously. She smacks of try. The heinous piecemeal gown is Altuzarra.
Anna Wintour stuck with sequined floral Chanel, and Bee wore Dior. Can’t say I’m particularly wowed by the wicked stepsisters.
Does anyone wear clothes better and with more enthusiasm than SJP? Love her Giles Deacon gown and Phillip Treacy headpiece. 
Topshop dressed Nicole Richie. The overall styling isn’t that flattering, but I’m still oddly attracted to her white hair. Punk Glam Granny?
Opa! Here comes the flaming cheese – Beyoncé in Givenchy.
Uma Thurman looked absolutely snatched in this leafy Zac Posen. What did she do to her face?
Stella McCartney must be best friends with Liberty Ross because this outfit is obviously a revenge burn on Kristen Stewart. Is she smuggling honey-baked ham in there?
I’ve been loving me some Rita Ora lately. She not only successfully fucked-over that whiny Rob Kardashian, she looks super fresh in this white Thakoon.
Emma Watson worked her sexy, but she remained eternally adorable and demure in this Prabal Gurung. She’s our modern day Audrey. 
Miley really went for it in Marc Jacobs and it worked. Hate to admit she’s been serving something savory lately. Applause. 
Compare Miley to her contemporary Taylor Swift who looks about 53 in this old lady J. Mendel number.
Speaking of 53, Madonna came in her Givenchy costume. For a woman who hates her thighs, she sure is accentuating them in this fussy get-up. You could bounce a quarter off that face (and ass!). 
Dakota Fanning looked super cute in her Rodarte. Even though this look was understated compared to most, the simple and sweet styling stood out from the crowd. 
Here is Lena Dunham in Erdem with Erdem. The makeup is the best ever for her. 
Jessica Alba belongs on a Maxim list and nowhere else. Seriously, who wears Tory Burch to a punk themed gala? Sheesh. Why don’t you just wear Lilly Pulitizer bitch? 
Carey Mulligan is everything in Balenciaga. Die for the safety pin. It isn’t showy, but it doesn’t need to be. Fucking chic.
Lopez put a little leopard on it in Michael Kors. The girl gives good face, and I love the unusual hair Jen! Bonus points for not letting the cabana boy ruin the shot. 
May we all be this ravishing at her age. Diane von Furstenberg rolled in as a disco-dipped Mrs. Roper. 
Calm down Gisele. (From what I hear Cara brought the eight-ball).
…Salma Hayek in Gucci for the Best Bluish Black. She has a certain carefree sparkle only a billion dollars can buy. 
…Nicole Richie in Naeem Khan for best Palm Beach Housewife. Is this bitch 74? G-jus. 
…Amanda Seyfried in Givenchy for most Unseasonably Springy. I should hate this doily shit, but I don’t. 
…Claire Danes in red Versace for best Post Baby Body Bounce-Back. Doesn’t she look 10 years younger with those 15 extra pounds?
…Connie Britton wins Most Consistent in KaufmanFranco.
…Jessica Alba for most Irrelevantly Gorgeous. Penalty for skinning a defenseless Muppet for that embarrassing bag. 
…Amy Adams in Marchesa wins the prize for Most Likely to be Accidentally Confused with Taylor Swift.
…Halle Berry for Misdemeanor Midriff Exposure in Versace. 
…Sally Field for worst Granny Globes, gown by Alberta Ferretti.
…Kerry Washington for Most Overrated in Miu Miu.
…Anne Hathaway for Most Boring Chanel.
…Zosia Mamet for Best of the Girls.
…Lena Dunham for snatching Helen Mirren’s Zac Posen gown.
…Allison Williams for Most Forgettable Girl.
…Jessica Chastain in Calvin Klein Slightly Wrong from Head to Toe.
…Jennifer Lawrence for failure to learn from Jessica Biel’s Weird Dior-titty Mistake. 
…Lucy Liu for Most Incongruent in Carolina Herrera. What is this floral fuckmess?
…Hayden Panettiere wins Most Repetitious in Roberto Cavalli. 
…Jennifer Lopez for Most in Need of a Divorce from Zuhair Murad.
…Zooey Deschanel in Oscar de la Renta for Most Misguided Personal Style.
…Naomi Watts for Best Zac Posen.
…Nicole Kidman for Most Improved Hair. This is a chicer length for her. 
…Rachel Weisz in Louis Vuitton for the Worst 3-Way Split.
…Giuliana Rancic in Celia Kritharioti for Most Felonious Showing by an Officer of the Fashion Police.
Scorpios excel professionally this August and enjoy their career more than ever. When enthusiastic about work, Scorpios shine and inevitably find success. Now more than ever is the time to push forward with your professional aspirations. You may even find yourself contemplating an interesting offer. Mull over any big decisions. Scorpios require a tremendous amount of emotional support this month. Ask for what you need.
Jolie served in Atelier Versace. She turned it out to pimp her directorial debut. Don’t love the shoes, but when she tries even a little she easily steals the show. 
Mila Kunis looked bored and made this one-strap Christian Dior boring too. She can do better, but can’t seem to shake this recent ugly frock streak. 
Let’s get the brides out of the way. First, Jessica Chastain arrived in an ill-fitting Givenchy. In recent awards seasons, Givenchy seems to lend out dresses willy-nilly and doesn’t bother to make sure they are tailored correctly. For as many style successes as they have, they have an equal number of fashion failures. 
Kate Beckinsale always brings the over-try, sponsored here by Roberto Cavalli and accompanied by Len Wiseman.
Jessica Biel wore a matrimonial Elie Saab, obviously unable to stifle her wedding enthusiasm. 
Sofia Vergara showed us the source of the Nile in Vera Wang. Sarah Michelle Gellar drowned in a big blue and white tie-dyed Monique L’huillier. 
Best grown women: Downton Abbey’s Elizabeth McGovern, Diane Lane and Madge both in Reem Acra.
Vivienne Westwood dressed Andrea Riseborough who stars in Madonna’s movie W.E.
The gorgeous Gucci girls = Salma Hayek and Evan Rachel Wood.
God bless Melissa McCarthy; she tried in Badgley Mischka. Take a cue from Octavia Spencer who looked incredible in a light lavender Tadashi Shoji. 
Modern Family’s Ariel Winter looks all grown up in Dolce & Gabbana. Shailene Woodley chose a lovely Marchesa gown, but unfortunately paired it with bad posture. 
Claire Danes deviated from her usual favorites Calvin Klein and Narciso Rodriquez in favor of this embellish-backed J. Mendel number. I’m ambivalent – love the back, hate the front. 
Michelle Williams wore Jason Wu. She should stick to Prada or Miu Miu. Is that burned out velvet? Emma Stone also failed to impress in a mediocre Lanvin gown. 
Frieda Pinto wore lapis Prada and it won’t be everyone’s favorite, but I think she’s lovely. Juliana Marguilies also chose a bold color statement with this sleek eggplant Naeem Khan.
Laura Dern sparkled in an emerald Andrew Gn gown.
Did you get the memo that Reese is reinventing herself as sexy? Zac Posen painted her red and gave her hips. 
Nicole Richie is quickly morphing into a Real Housewife of Beverly Hills. At first, I loved this Julien MacDonald metallic dress, but the more I look at it, the less excited I am, especially over that messy hem. 
Where have you been Natalie? We’ve barely seen you since you gave birth. Weird dress by Lanvin. 
Madeleine Stowe celebrated her career revival in Vera Wang. Charlize Theron is like awards show pizza; even when she’s bad she’s not that bad, and here she’s pretty decent in Dior Couture. If only she could wipe that smug-ass look off her (recently tweaked?) face. 
