Tag Archives: Nik

The Real L Word: Dinah Shorgy

The maternal surprise theme continued this week when Nik imported Jill’s mom to L.A. for a weekend of wedding planning.  The three ladies hit the wedding dress store posthaste to find the perfect gown for Jill.  The dress they selected was an improvement over the previous option, but overall it wasn’t particularly spectacular or original.  Wonder if they have adequately considered that two brides marching down the aisle side-by-side in white dresses will inevitably draw comparisons over who looked better?Next, the couple took Jill’s mom to the cliffside mansion wedding location in Malibu.  Jill and her Mom had a moment on the beach, and Jill’s mom expressed her blessing for the union.  With the support of her mom, Jill blossomed and began to truly emanate the irrepressible glow of a bride to be.

Rose and Natalie arrived in Palm Springs and headed straight for Dinah Shore’s actual house which they rented for their weekend of relationship destruction.  Natalie and Rose managed to keep the peace through the first night at the white party.  However, by the next day’s pool party, Rose started popping off.  The two got into it over going to the ladies room.  This gave Rose the excuse she needed to run off and flirt with other women while ignoring Nat.

Instead of crying in her cheap beer, Natalie made her own fun dancing with friends.  Later, Rose returned back to the rental house, and just as she was explaining to her friend that she and Natalie were “on a break,” she opened the bedroom door and saw Natalie packing up her belongings.  Finally, Natalie asserted herself against Rose’s unreasonable bitchiness and kicked her ass to the curb — hopefully for good!Mikey followed up last week’s public wedding proposal with another grand gesture: a tattoo of Raquel’s name across her wrist.  Apparently Mikey hasn’t gotten the memo that this cliché is the kiss of death for relationships.  At Dinah, Raquel, surprisingly prudish, couldn’t completely stomach the flamboyant display of lezzie love, so she and Mikey ended up spending most of their time in their hotel room lacing and unlacing her corset.

Stamie and Tracy teamed up to shoot a PSA for California health care.  Stamie brought her daughter, Dautry, in an effort to force Zory to meet her.  Zory and Dautry had a moment and bonded over lollipops, but it did little to ease the palpable tension between Zory and Stamie.Later, Stamie admitted she was ready to have Tracy back full time and for Zory to go home.  Ultimately, the visit served its purpose as it did seem to soften Zory’s anti-lesbian resolve.  The gang closed out the evening by singing Tracy’s twenties goodbye.  Tracy, it is a mistake to waste your remaining youth and hotness playing two mommies with another woman’s kids.Whitney, essentially the Grand Marshal of the Dinah Shore dyke parade, dropped in on Palm Springs with a crew of enthusiastic Sapphics.  Sara and Whitney engaged in a poolside flirtation, including a little bump and grind, before heading up to the hotel room for an afternoon delight.

The next day, Whitney and Sara coupled up and headed down to the pool party where they ran into none other than the dignity-challenged Romi!  Apparently, Romi and Sara connected over Facebook, much to Whitney’s surprise and chagrin.  Serving Whitney a heaping slice of humble pie, Sara and Romi wasted no time embracing each other and making out in the middle of the pool.  In a unexpected turn for Dinah Shore, Whitney returned to her bed alone.  Upon the weekend’s conclusion, Whitney declared, “Fuck it, I’m single as hell, so ladies, watch out!”

The Real L Word: Strap-on Etiquette

Dan “the designer” stopped by to help the lesblands spruce up their dinning room in time for Passover.  Dan wasted no time pointing out every poor decorating choice in the room.  He called the room dead, the walls muddy, the curtains schmatta rags, and accused the curtain rod of evoking “hostel.”  Dan sent over a “lesbian-Liberace” chandelier which promptly dropped out of the mounting mid-installation, shattering glass over the floor and nearly splicing the lesbians, installers, and dogs to shreds.  This sent Jill into an existential tailspin and caused her to completely reject the oversized chandelier, much to Nik’s dismay.  Dan redeemed himself later by amping the table’s volume from Pottery Barn lezzy to full on five alarm queen with a multi-tier vase and candle extravaganza for the Seder.The conflict between Rose and her mother appears to be driving her abuelita to an early grave.  Just days after imploring with Rose to mend things with her mother to unify the family, Rose’s grandmother landed in the hospital with pneumonia. Cognizant her own actions were contributing to her grandmother’s ill health, Rose acted out with bitchy misplaced aggression towards Nat and everybody else.Despite her stank mood, Rose decided she must fulfill her promise to appear at a friend’s party.  A fight began to brew as Rose nitpicked Nat’s every word and action.  Once inside the party, Nat hung close to her sister in the DJ booth, avoiding Rose. Using her grandmother as an excuse for bad behavior, Rose called her ex-girlfriend Angel and left Natalie high and dry without a ride or house keys.  I would cut a bitch for this.

Super stressed over the planning for L.A. Fashion Week, Mikey evoked the Cutrone and ripped her intern a new asshole.  If the seating chart and RSVP list require immaculate care, why leave such a colossal responsibility to an intern?  Flailing around complaining about hanger discord, Mikey dropped F-bombs over Mena Suvari’s non-existent RSVP.

The lesbagang gathered for a friendly game of paintball: Team Rose vs. Team WhitneyWhitney and Tor wagered the winner of the paintball game got to fuck the loser with a strap-on.  Tor joined Rose’s team, and in the end the last two standing were Whitney and TorWhitney triumphed and announced that tonight Tor would be her prize.To prepare for that night’s festivities, Scarlett and Whitney hit the sex shop to buy a new harness.  Whitney educated us all on lesbian strap-on etiquette: “It’s a very personal thing you are sharing with someone, so I don’t necessarily want to have one strap-on that I just use with everyone.  It would be like some guy like not washing his dick between having sex with two girls.”Scarlett provided the “bottom perspective” and between the two of them, appropriate gear was selected.  After a lube recommendation from the fishnet-clad salesgirl, the two were on their way.Tor looked reticent, but Whitney must have done something right because after uninhibited strap-on balls-to-the-wall sex (Whitney’s words, not mine), Tor awoke the next morning looking satisfied, if not a bit dazed.The fun didn’t stop there; Whitney and the gurls planned the first annual White Trash Party complete with cheap beer, jello shots, pink flamingos, and the pièce de résistance: cream corn and lube wrestling.After watching Whitney go twice around in the kiddie pool, Romi was so aroused she led Whitney by the hand to the bedroom where she illustrated why this program airs on Showtime.We’ve learned from episodes past that Romi ain’t shy, but this week she took it from bold to porn star as she let the cameras film her getting acquainted with Whitney’s strap-on.  Dignity concerns aside, I appreciate Romi for this instructive lesson because now I get it.  Whitney’s stroke game exceeds that of most men.As party guests pounded on the door, Whitney shamelessly pounded Romi presumably with the same accouterments she used the night before with Tor.  Mayjah lesbian sex etiquette faux pas WhitWhitney could only rationalize her behavior by saying, “I am a pussy slut.”As the post-coital realizations began to dawn on Whitney, she walked around the party aftermath working a droopy dog half-hearted attempt at damage control, stopping in with Scarlett, Alyssa, and finally Tor.  As it should be, the White Trash Party culminated in a nauseating mix of tears, lube, and cream corn.

The Real L Word: Sibling Revelry

Tracy’s sisters, Amy and Audrey, and their boyfriends arrived at Stamie’s for movie night.  Amy still hasn’t accepted Tracy’s relationship and forced an awkward smile as the group discussed the family’s reaction to her fledgling lesbianism.  Aggravated Amy began snapping over take-out menus and eventually got up and walked out saying, “You guys can cuddle, go ahead.”  Later on, Amy indicated that their Mom had been fishing around for information on Stamie.  Even though Tracy’s patience has been wearing thin over the last five years, she took her Mother’s interest in Stamie as a promising sign.

The Pottery Barn lesbians, Nik and Jill, began their search for a suitable wedding location.  The two made a pact not to argue over the wedding plans which pretty much guaranteed a conflict-riddled process.  With two women planning a wedding, who gets the final say on things like location, flowers, and food?  Most men don’t give a fuck, so they just smile and nod and try to appease the bride.  Two brides creates the potential for double dueling bridezillas with each impending decision.  The two ventured to a cliff-side mansion in Malibu previewing it as a possible wedding locale.  Nik fell in love with the first house they saw and pressured Jill to immediately book it despite the fact it eclipsed their location budget by three times.  Jill, ever the pragmatist, wanted to look at other places which resulted in the first breach of the aforementioned no-argument pact.

Mikey should have hooked up with her East Coast counterpart Kelly Cutrone because the turnout for her openhouse for West Coast designers was embarrassing.  She drank her shame by busting out mimosas.  Mikey kept the party going after that hot mess of an event and took it to an NYC tranny bar in an attempt to redeem the day.  Mikey proceeded to soak up all the booze in NYC, and therefore didn’t make it back to her hotel until 3:00 am, causing her to miss the entire next morning of her workday.  This oversleep constituted a mayjah unprofesh folly on her part, so she sheepishly vowed to rein in her drinking in the future.During a dinner with her sister, Whitney admitted she learned her pune juggling ways from her father who had an affair on Whitney’s Mom years ago.  Having adopted his sexual magnetism, she now resents how this trait has manifested destruction and chaos in her own life.Tor tried flirting with Scarlett, but was ultimately overpowered by Whitney’s kavorka.  She mounted a half-sleeping Whitney, planting a wet smooch on her lips virtually out of nowhere.  Tor called Whitney a douche between snogs, and Whitney claimed to like the fact that Tor put her in her place.  I must have missed that episode, because I have yet to see Whitney adequately humbled for her duplicitous behavior.