Tag Archives: Nikki

The Real L Word: Phoenix

Mikey continued her quest for a proper location for L.A. Fashion Week after her previous space fell through.  Borrowing from the concept at Bryant Park, she considered tents, but could barely pick her jaw off the ground when she was quoted $15,000.  At the last minute, Mikey closed on White Trash Beautiful, Richie Sambora’s unnecessary contribution to third-rate celebrity fashion lines.  The Bon Jovi money saved the day making Mikey’s tent city a more realistic possibility.Whitney and Scarlett headed up to San Francisco to embrace debauchery and avoid the local L.A. drama.  In a random coincidence, I’ve stayed at the Phoenix in San Francisco, the rocker-favored dive motel turned hipster haunt where Whitney and Scarlett set up camp.  The two used Scarlett’s makeup to play femme-the-butch for Whitney’s visit with go-go dancing Sara at Flourish. Whitney brought Sara back to the Phoenix for an after-hours dip in the pool and subsequently the world’s least sexy shower fuck.  In having experienced the microscopic size of the Phoenix bathrooms, it is truly mystifying how they managed to squeeze Whitney, Sara, and a camera crew to film these two getting it on like two girls gone wild in the filthy shower.The following evening, the girl group enjoyed poolside cocktails (the outdoor bar makes getting any actual sleep at the Phoenix impossible by the way).  After trading girlhood carpet-munching stories, Sara declared that she doesn’t get attached during sex.  By the way Sara, “irregardless” is not a word.  Regardless is a word.  Irrespective is a word.  Pick one; don’t combine.Whitney got a bitter swig of her own brew when confronted with Sara’s detachment.  In a momentary epiphany, Whitney realized that she does the same thing to girls by leaving them hanging.

Nikki and Jill continued to struggle with their wedding plans. They secured Camilla the wedding planner, but neither could stomach the $13,000+ price tag quoted for their custom wedding gowns.  The two began to consider off-the-rack alternatives which lead them to Les Habitudes.  The David Fielden-designed dress fit Nikki beautifully and Jill declared, “You look like a bride!”  With her Mom’s approval, Nikki finalized her decision and purchased the gown.  Jill felt unsure about her selection, so she wisely left empty-handed.  This is not the right dress for her.

Rose attended a lesbian wedding reception with her Father.  When Natalie arrived later, she and Rose immediately erupted into a huge fight.  The two pouted and sulked for the rest of the evening before going to bed angry. In spiteful response her relationship discord, Rose went behind Natalie’s back to rally her friends around an evening of strippers.  Rose is a frat boy trapped in America Ferrera’s body.  Rose tried to front like just because she wasn’t “touching” the nasty strippers that she somehow wasn’t cheating on NatalieRose we see those tittays on your head you grimy lying fratboy bitch.

The Real L Word: The Riddle of the Sphinx

We met up with our favorite reality Sapphics contemplating the definition of lesbian sex.  This age-old riddle of the Sphinx continues to stymie both the gay and straight world.  Surprisingly conventional, some of the ladies seem very wedded to the idea that penetration defines sex. 

Mikey attempted a grand romantic gesture by planning a surprise commitment ceremony for Raquel in Vegas.  Fortuitously for Raquel, she missed her flight, thereby foiling the nuptial plans.  When Raquel finally arrived in Vegas the next day, she and Mikey played a game of strip pool before engaging in the least sexy bath time behavior ever.  Raquel is hot, but Mikey reminds me of a blond, lesbian, Meatloaf.

Tor’s naive ass acted confused upon hearing that Whitney has been hooking up with other girls.  Whitney tried to keep Tor’s infatuation going by making her believe she had an outside chance.  Unlike Romi, Tor said she wasn’t going to let Whitney douche her around.  Let’s hope she legitimately has the grit to withstand Whitney’s catnip.Melinda trained Whitney for the first time, and Whitney seized the opportunity to invite her out for that night.  When Whitney arrived at the bar, she was stoked to see Miranda waiting out front.  Delighted at discovering Miranda is at least marginally attracted to women, Whitney brought her panty-dropping flirt.  The sight of Whitney wooing another sent Romi into a jealous shame spiral, and she could not control the compulsion to make a scene for the cameras.  Having satisfied her appetite for Romi’s noni, Whitney told Romi’s over-dramatic ass to fuck off.Nikki and Jill lost their shit when they received quotes for the wedding dresses ($6,175 a piece) and wedding planner.  Working themselves into a veritable frenzy, the two tried to negotiate the price down.  Immediately after, they second-guessed themselves and called the wedding planner back and agreed pay her full quote ($7,650).  Don’t get so fucking emotional when negotiating.  It’s just a number; it is not an indictment of your character.  Folks just don’t understand the art of the counter-offer.

The Real L Word: Show Your Tits

We begin where we left off with Whitney picking up Tor from the airport.  Tor’s crashing at Whitney and Alyssa’s house until she gets settled in L.A.  Whitney admitted it’s a bit of a U-Haul situation.  Alyssa, Tor’s cousin, worried she would fall victim to Whitney’s persistent pune juggling and get her newly-lesbian heart broken.Tracy and Stamie played three-kids-two-mommies over in Silver Lake. “If Tracy took a second to think about this and break it down, that bitch be running down Ventura Boulevard.  I’d have to stop her with my vehicle.”  Amen StamieTracy complained of exhaustion after one evening with the kids, and again in the morning when Nico woke her up.  She obviously lacks the grit required for successful step-parenthood.  These two ain’t gonna make it.

Nikki optioned Sexual Fluidity as a television show.  She and Jill met with the author Lisa M. Diamond to discuss the project.  The women have a strong connection to the book; Jill recommended it to her parents to explain her mid-twenties transition to lesbianism.  She also admitted that despite wearing an engagement ring from Nikki, she struggles as identifying as an openly gay woman, saying “it doesn’t feel like it fits.”

At the Abbey, Tracy, Stamie and the local lesbian pick-up game shared drinks.  Whitney arrived and made a bee-line for TracyStamie looked absolutely thrilled the playa was paying her snatch attention.  Whitney got sidetracked when Romi, last week’s drama, showed up begging for scraps.  Bitch gather your dignity, she’s just not that into you. Later, Whitney tried to give Romi good phone when Alyssa came outside to remind her that Tor was twiddling her thumbs inside.  Whitney lied her ass off trying to put out the fires erupting all around her.

Jill’s “best friend” Derek flew in from San Francisco, and Nikki showed visible signs of jealousy as Jill showered him with adulation.  Nikki confessed she can’t compete with a man, but after seeing Jill’s engagement ring, I’m not sure a man could compete with her.

Mikey drug her assistant and intern to the party for her big Hollywood Chamber of Commerce induction.  She actually made her minions flank her, because she likes to be surrounded by hot chicks.  Mikey continued to try to reach Raquel until the very last moment, but in the end she didn’t show in time to see Mikey receive her recognition plaque.  They met up outside, and Mikey was clearly disappointed.  Mikey wants a supportive housewife, not a busy career girl.  Raquel’s absence at this event signals the beginning of the end for these two.

Rose and Natalie hosted a crew at their crib for game night.  These alcoholic bitches downed drinks like frat boys before breaking into a chant: “SHOW YOUR TITS!”  Drinking brings out the bully in Rose, so Natalie complained to a drunk girl in the kitchen who looked like she might projectile vomit at any moment.  Rose told Natalie to relax and said she was being “catwalk?”  Nothing inflames an argument more than telling someone to “relax,” so Natalie retreated to the bedroom as Rose bragged about fucking five girls at a time to her buddy on the patio.Alyssa tried to talk some sense into Whitney by presenting all her recent shadiness in a concise, linear manner.  Alyssa pinned Whitney to the wall and didn’t let her weasel out with excuses and rationalizations.  This dose of brutal honesty was exactly what she needed for momentary clarity.  Value those who tell you the truth; they are exceedingly rare in a world filled with placatory cowards.When we met back up with Rose and Natalie, the evening spiraled further into a drunken argument.  Natalie called Rose rude, and Rose told Natalie to move out.  These two probably made up and fucked that night.  It doesn’t make them soul mates, it makes them weak and predictable.  Apart from Nikki and Jill, is there a couple on this show that’s got a chance?

The Real L Word: The Power of the Clam

The first thing you need to know about The Real L Word is that most of these lesbians are rather late arrivals on the scene.  Most came into their sexuality in their twenties.  Even Mikey didn’t dine at the Y until college.  Whitney is the exception; at nine she put sour cream on her eleven year old friend’s boobs, covered them with Fruity Pebbles and then ate it off — lesbian 9 1/2 weeks Saturday morning cartoon style. We begin with dread-locked Whitney, a pune juggler, fetching a couple of SF lezzies Taylor and Sara (pretentiously pronounced Saw-da) from the airport.  While pontificating on the differences between NYC, L.A., and San Francisco lesbians, Whitney declared that L.A. lesbians “lack the working hands” of the NYC lesbian.Next we meet Jill and Nik in matching purples shirts, a type-A preppy lesbian power couple.  These two met at summer camp.  Nik went out with Jill’s brother way back in the day.  The two women reconnected on the camp website and have been together ever since.

Mikey (think West Coast Kelly Cutrone) runs a fashion P.R. firm and enjoys making models cry.  Mikey’s in a long-term relationship with Raquel, a hard-working make-up artist.

Tracy a tall, dark, and lanky development exec, popped up at the beach skateboarding.  A self-confessed late bloomer, Tracy’s newly involved with Stamie, who is separated from Julie, with whom she co-parents three kids.

America Ferrera doppelganger Rose, a financially successful real estate financier, hit the club with her girls and then reluctantly returned home to her girlfriend, Natalie.  She considers herself in the top 1% of lesbians because she looks good, dresses well, has good job, and can show you a good time.

At Fubar, Whitney got stuck in pussy gridlock when Romy, her recent fling, sauntered up to the bar upon which Sara was dancing.  In full tear-management mode, Whitney did her best to placate her jilted hook-up without jeopardizing her current one.  She adequately finessed the situation and successfully tucked into bed at the end of the evening with Sara.

Jill and Nik are planning their nuptials and spend mornings pouring over wedding-related websites trying to decide between a wedding dress and wedding suit.  Nik wants a suit, and doesn’t want to look like twins in white dresses walking down the aisle.Mikey looked extra stupid when she lost her shit on some inexperienced models sent by a casting agent her own office solicited.  When it became evident she didn’t know what the fuck was going on in her own office, she overcompensated by ripping the casting agent a new asshole.  She truly is the West Coast Kelly Cutrone.

Whitney educated us on the difference between “pumps” and “pants” within the lesbian lexicon.  “Pumps” are the “feminine girls” that “wear high heels,” and “pants know how to swing a hammer and are usually in control.”  Good to see the lesbians are working towards dismantling all those limiting stereotypes.Rose visited her Grandparents’ house and it was refreshing to hear that they embraced her when she came out and seemed to genuinely like her girlfriend NatalieNatalie wants babies and starting applying pressure in front of Rose’s family.  Rose seemed very reluctant, and it became pretty obvious these two ain’t gonna make it.

Whitney’s friends inform her that she harnessed the power of the clam, but she sleeps with women who are looking for relationships.  What lesbians aren’t looking for relationships?  Stop sleeping with each other so soon.  The lack of pregnancy fear entices these girls into the kip.  Sluttiness is so tired.  I’m no advocate of purity rings, but rushing into sex has become such a predictable cliché.Episode highlight, Mikey turned to Raquel before bed and said “You can be Jillian Michaels and I’ll be Jackie Warner.”  Lesbian workout role play, lovesit. Nik and Jill met up with wedding planner Camilla at the Newsroom to hash out event ideas.  The two are planning a traditional Jewish ceremony with a sit down dinner.  Jill’s jaw hits the floor when Camilla slides the budget across the table.  Not sure why they are letting the wedding planner dictate the budget, but my guess for the estimate is $125,000.  Nik reassured Jill that it was their wedding day and worth the expense, while Jill reminded Nik that it was a lot of money to spend on just one day.

At Crown Bar, Whitney, Natalie, Rose, and Tracy and the rest of the sapphic gang mingled.  Whitney shamelessly hit on Tracy in front of SaraTracy flat out asked Whitney if she and Sara were dating, awkward silence ensued.  Sara fled to the bathroom and confessed her jealousy over the attention Whitney was lavishing on Tracy.  Eventually, Tracy mentioned her girlfriend, so Whitney cut her losses and returned her attention to Sara in the bathroom stall. They took it to the West Hollywood streets where Whitney smoothed things over by spitting some meaningless playa noise that again dropped Sara’s panties, proving low self-esteem transcends all boundaries. I’ve been wondering how explicit this program is going to get with it playing on ShowtimeThe L Word was big on girl-on-girl action, and I’m guessing these girls are going to be contractually obligated to show a little somethin’.

Whitney and Sara head to the airport where they shared an emotional goodbye.  Whitney then circled around from departures to arrivals and picked up her very well-timed new piece.  Play on playa.  Play on.