Tag Archives: Orgasm

cunnilingLESS

OTTOMAN ORAL

Don’t kiss me twice and then dive for my clit.  There is a whole anatomical world worth exploring between both pairs of lips.

SHOWER ORALDon’t breathe through your mouth.  Your hot breath gusting on my pussy is distracting me from my orgasm.

ORAL EXPLORE

Don’t ignore the labias.CUNNILINGUS PERFORMUSSlow down.DROPPEDPut your hands somewhere useful. USEFUL HANDSDon’t get discouraged!  Keep practicing. BETTER

Demeter Clarc Manners Moment: to Return or not to Return Broken Bondage?

Recently, I bought a sex toy online.  It wasn’t a vibrator or a dildo.  It was this weird spreader bondage contraption.  Anyway, in case my little Midtown Meltdown indicated otherwise, I’m strong as fuck.  I destroyed the bondage toy before my first orgasm.  I  literally tore the flimsy binding completely apart.  The inner-rod detached from the larger outer rod.  I snapped the chains in two.  This bitch don’t play.

For a variety of reasons, I don’t return items very often even when I’m dissatisfied. However, I’m super pissed, stunned, and profoundly disappointed that this expensive, but crappy accouterment disintegrated at my first healthy tug.  Shouldn’t a bondage toy effectively bind?  Weak Sauce.

Stymied by my dilemma, I asked around to see what others thought was appropriate in regard to initiating a refund.  Let me be crystal clear here: no bodily fluids touched the device.  Indeed, I destroyed it before anyone climaxed or even felt much of a tickle.  (By the way, even if the thing hadn’t broken, the spreader didn’t actually spread enough, so skip this amateur shit and get your favorite lesbian to build you a sturdy custom device from Home Depot.)The overwhelming response from a sampling of trusted advisers was to indeed return the overpriced janky novelty to the allegedly reputable website that sold it to me.  I packed it up piece by piece, making sure every broken part made it back into the box in some semblance of its original form and shipped it back to the sex toy graveyard. Now let’s see if the site actually refunds the cost of this crap.  This junk was over $75 or I probably wouldn’t have bothered at all.

 

 

Wednesday’s Whys

Why does Teen Mom 2 star Jenelle Evans have the time and resources for a boob job, but not enough of either to maintain primary custody of her son Jace? Why does my nose always itch as soon as I start doing the dishes?Why do guys think the girls in straight porn are authentically reaching climax?Why does Patti Stanger give the worst relationship advice ever and still get renewed season after season?Why do the vaguely upbeat promotional promises plastered all over fast-casual restaurants send me into a state of ennui?Why does Mila Kunis insist on continuing with this unsettling real life Jackie/Kelso fantasy?

 

The Real L Word: Smell My Hair

Kacy and Cori dropped $1,920 for three vials of jizz.  Don’t guys make like $100 a donation?  That’s some mark-up.  The couple paid extra for a donor who was open to being contacted when his offspring reach 18.  They celebrated with friends, family, and pizza at an informal sperm party at their home.

Whenever LA gets too thick with the stench of familiar poon, Whitney flees to San Francisco to revisit previous delicacies.  (This time thankfully she upgraded to a larger and nicer hotel room – no offense Phoenix.)  Former dish Jaq conveniently bumped into Whitney at Lexington, an SF institution.  Their fling ended the previous summer when Jaq changed her FB status to “in a relationship,” a setting that acts as Whitney repellent.Later, Whitney hosted a party at Trigger where she soaked up all the fan-love from season one.  She worked the room and provided photo ops for the star-struck crowd. The thing I don’t understand is like girls always want to smell my hair.  You know they’ll like come up and like sneak a sniff, and it’s like, I mean you can, but I don’t know if I should hand it to ‘em or what?  But one thing I’ve made sure of is that this shit always smells on point.”Alyssa and Rachel surprised Whitney in SF.  Rachel created an awkward situation when she assumed that she would be crashing in Whitney’s hotel room.  When Jaq showed up and smooched Whitney hello right in front of Rachel, it proved that regardless of geography, with Whitney, it’s never a drama-free weekend.Sajdah and Chanel sat down for their first official date.  Sajdah laid it on thick with lines like, “What I feel now?  I ain’t even know to desire before.  Like seriously like it’s more than I even knew to want.”  She then slid a note across the table old-school style and asked Chanel to check yes or no if she’d be her girlfriend.  She gifted Chanel a necklace and sealed the deal with a kiss.  Start loading the U-Haul.

Romi threw a dinner party and realized she didn’t know how to have fun without alcohol as a social lubricant.  After the meal, the group headed to the club where Kelsey got loaded and Romi got judgmental.  On the way home in the cab Kelsey complained about how the two never have sex.  Then she started crying over the fuck shortage and collapsed in Romi’s lap.Kelsey finally wore her down with tearful begging, and Romi relented and pity-fucked her.  Dudish Kelsey hilariously grunted “shit” after a particularly satisfying orgasm and closed the every-which-way reciprocal fucksesh by ejaculating.  Literally.

WHY WAIT?

Over the weekend I had a lengthy discush with a good friend about giving it up too early.  Well past virgin territory, arguments for waiting have nothing to do with Jesus or wedding nights.  In no particular order, a few good to reasons slow down…1. Jumping into the kip on the first night has become a tired cliché.  It’s neither sexy nor rebellious.  It is expected and ordinary.  Nobody’s talking purity rings here, but honestly, some of ya’ll don’t even get a first and last name before getting naked.2. After a certain age, one realizes authentic chemistry is exceedingly rare.  If another person gives you butterflies, delight in the magic and draw out the phenomenon for as long as possible.  Fuck too soon and bang the butterflies to death.3. Most people are selfish and dirty.  In a one night stand situation, most people won’t confess to the herp, hep, HIV, or clap.  A greater majority don’t even know they are spreading warts all around town.

4.  Reasonable delay allows anticipation and tension to build.  Courtship creates mystery and interest.  Easy = Boring. 5. Holding out for a minute also allows you to weed out the following: 1) stage 5 clingers, 2) assholes, and 3) beer-goggle regrets.

Skills for life: protect your vagina and your wangXO,DC

ORGASM CULT

I love blush.  A rosy glow can really change a face.  I’ve tried so many different blushes over the years, creams, powders, gels, and sticks, but I keep coming back to Nars Orgasm powder blush.  Somehow this product looks natural, but still pops.  Magically, it’s almost universally flattering.  A favorite of beauty editors for years, Nars Orgasm has achieved cult status.  It is worth every penny, and there is no substitute.