Tag Archives: OWN

You don’t need…

LAXATIVEYou don’t need a laxative; eat more berries. BERRIES

You don’t need to leave your husband and kids for a lesbian 20 years your junior; acknowledge you’re having mid-life crisis.

MIDLIFE CRISISYou don’t need an electronic cigarette; you need a vape pen. VAPE PEN

You don’t need to feel like you’re missing out if you aren’t watching Lindsay; it’s boring as fuck.


Did You Watch Lindsay??!

LINDSAY LOHAN OWNLet me summarize.  According to Lindsay, every aspect of her life is a potential danger to her sobriety.  Promoting a movie overseas?  Too risky.  Leaving the hotel room?  Too many photographers.  She doesn’t seem to realize that total imprisonment with a sober coach would make anybody want to use.  Mostly the program consists of Lindsay painstakingly sorting her clothing and jewelry in different venues.  Watching her try to match earrings is like watching a crackhead play Concentration.  The “docu series” manages a peculiar blend of messy and mundanely boring. LINDSAY LOHAN SORTS JEWELRY

What the fuck is Oprah thinking?

You guys heard all the conversations about Oprah’s strategy for saving OWNTo catch you up in case you aren’t watching, and let’s face it very few of us are watching, Oprah axed Rosie’s show and laid off at least 30 people in March from the LA and NY OWN offices.She recently went on with Gayle and Charlie on the CBS morning show.  During the interview, Oprah admitted that she had made mistakes, and would have made different choices had she known then what she knows now.  She conceded they launched the network before it was ready.  She cushioned the low ratings by saying she thought people wanted to see her fail out of a sense of schadenfreude.  Oprah articulated OWN’s revised strategy as building programming popularity one evening at a time.  Oprah said the network can’t be focused on her, but that contradicts her scheduled cameos on most of the network’s new shows like Sweetie’s and Lovetown, USAOprah can’t appear on every show on the network, and I’m not sure it would matter if she did, because OWN’s content skews towards an older audience and for the most part is profoundly unexciting.  Of the four new shows Oprah picked up, which would you watch?

  • Elura and Michele Take Staten Island (about two former prosecutors/current friends who “tell it like it is”),
  • Iyanla Fix My Life (centered around author Iyanla Vanzant’s self-help advice),
  • Married to the Army: Alaska (unscripted Army Wives in the frontier), and
  • Six Little McGhees (parents vs. six babies).

Oprah presents an optimistic front, but she looks exhausted and seems to know that under the current rubric, this network isn’t ever going to reach success.  Financial analysts predict losses upwards of $140 million this year.  So why doesn’t she cut her losses and move on?  Ego?  Delusion?  Contractual obligation?  Sheer obstinacy?

Oprah’s Awkward Next Chapter

Who watched the premiere of Oprah’s Next Chapter last night?  Oprah visited Steven Tyler at his Sunapee, New Hampshire home and more often than not it was awkward and uncomfortable.  First, Oprah showed up with two huge buckets full of hydrangeas “she cut herself from her garden,” as a totally random gift for the singer. Without their personal assistants to wrangle the flowers, Oprah and Steven dithered indecisively over where to set them down until eventually plopping them down next to a tree.In case you didn’t know, Steven Tyler randomly bursts into song without provocation.  Regular Oprah Winfrey Show watchers remember how embarrassing Oprah gets in the midst of live music.  The two of them together made for some weird moments over the first hour.  Tyler intermittently released guttural screeches, and in response Oprah froze in an uncomfortable smile, not sure of whether to do her usual pretend lip synch routine, laugh, or gaze on in admiration.   Even though it was laced with uneasiness, we learned a few things about Steven Tyler from the interview.  He believes the rest of Aerosmith envies him – a phenomenon his describes as LSD – Lead Singer Disorder.  Tyler literally thinks he’s magic and proclaims he always knew he would be a famous rockstar, informing his mother of the fact as a child.  In a nutshell, he totally buys into his own delusions of grandeur.  As Steven pontificated on his many gifts, a wash of recognition came over Oprah as she realized he sounded like a self-aggrandizing asshole.  Did the queen of self-reflection consider whether she came off equally as pompous when talking about herself?  This remains to be seen.  Later in the interview, during a ride in his antique car, Steven clasped Oprah’s hand and said, “I’m so lonely in life.  I have no friends like you.  I’m alone.  I’m alone.”  Oprah responded, “Now you’re not, cause now we will be friends.”  How can you be friends with a self-important, insufferable asshole who believes musical talent and a lot of good luck makes you a superior species?  And I say that with a total fondness for the delightful kooky genius that is Steven Tyler. During the last twenty minutes of the 2 hour program, Tyler’s new fiancé Erin Brady joined the interview.  In an unexpected turn, I kinda like her.Industry gossips say Oprah and the pockets behind the struggling network were hoping Next Chapter would improve the ratings and begin to turn things around at OWN.  While the interviews may perform decently in the ratings, this is not Oprah at her best.  And I don’t think I’m the first to wonder if much like Madonna, her best days are done. 

Dear Oprah, OWN Sucks

Even us schadenfreuders hoped Oprah’s OWN might serve up a programming highlight or two, but we’ve generously given Ms. Winfrey more than a month to win us over, and she’s already squandered most of our patience and good will.  If Oprah’s foray into OWN proves nothing else, it illustrates that there is a huge difference between running a successful talk show and overseeing an entire network.The first of many problems with OWN is lack of original programming.  In the age of streaming, old movies ain’t gonna cut it, and reruns of Dr. Phil definitely ain’t gonna cut it.  She’d be better off showing reruns of her own show if the network needs filler.  Oprah’s so technologically out of touch she quaintly believes that we’re all going to sit down and watch an edited version of Postcards From the Edge during primetime?  Up against Jersey Shore, is she bananas?Let’s discuss the original programming that has aired so far.  Basically, it generates hostility.  The Gayle King Show is some seriously amateur shit.  King’s sloppiness only serves to highlight the rather obvious coattail-riding nepotism which landed her the position in the first place.  Next, tune into Season 25: Oprah Behind the Scenes and watch the production team shield Oprah from any backstage complication while simultaneously anticipating and meeting her every high-maintenance whim.  Even if you liked Oprah before, you won’t after you watch this.  Her staff gives new meaning to the term sycophant.OWN’s self-proclaimed mission is to “entertain, inform and inspire people to live their best lives,” but is this really the best Oprah can do?Oprah has approximately six months or less to turn things around at OWN before becoming a cautionary tale.  Some have already dubbed the venture a failure, and the ratings continue to drop, but don’t count Ms. Winfrey out just yet.Oprah, first things first, you need some appointment television, and no, your reality show definitely doesn’t count.  OWN needs an unmissable water cooler show.  Try bankrolling forward-thinking, risky artistic projects that more conservative networks reject – find OWN’s version of Mad Men, Sex and the City, or Sons of Anarchy.Despite rumors of upcoming Tatum O’Neal and Shania Twain reality shows, Oprah has yet to bring an interesting celeb-reality entry into the programming mix.  If she knew anything, she’d give Nicki Minaj her own show.OWN’s definitely squandered an opportunity on cornering the healthy lifestyle angle.  How about a vegetarian cooking show?  We all know you have Kathy Freston on speed dial.  What about giving Michael Pollan a camera and letting him explore where our food comes from?Most importantly, where the fuck is the fashion, beauty, and interior design?Come on Oprah, we all expect more of you.  Time is running out for you to salvage this disaster.  Start by cutting Gayle a severance package.

OWN Preview

On January 1, 2011, Oprah unleashes her network across the country.  Here’s a preview of the very self-helpy and reality-heavy lineup.

The Gayle King Show.  A given.

Season 25: Oprah Behind the Scenes is a backstage doc-style look at the final year of The Oprah Winfrey Show.

Oprah called upon all her favorites for Master Class including Jay-Z, Simon Cowell, Sidney Poitier, Dr. Maya Angelou, Diane Sawyer, Lorne Michaels, and Dr. Condoleezza Rice.

Also in the mix, a reality show about an Indiana prison, a couple cooking shows, myth-busters for miracles, and a Hoarders ripoff with Peter Walsh.  Both Laura Berman and Lisa Ling snagged shows, along with several other Oprah Winfrey Show regulars, but the most exciting notion of all is the return of Rose O’Donnell to the daily talk show format.