Tag Archives: Oxygen

The Face

Please tell me you are watching the fucking splendor that is The FaceThe Face is Naomi Campbell’s new modeling show competition and personal fuck you to Tyra Banks, Nigel Barker included.  In a word, the show is sublime.  Naomi reigns over the panel in her royal cuntiness.  A well-past-her-prime Karolina Kurkova has the sense to steer clear of Mizz Campbell’s side eye, but naive Coco Rocha hasn’t proved so wise.  Naomi might shank the Jehovah’s Witness, and I simply can’t miss that.  Plus, when Coco Rocha actually speaks she might be one of the scariest looking humans I’ve ever seen.  It’s truly troubling.  (Her wedding video is worth a view though).  Don’t expect any actual modeling talent on this show – the girls are pretty much universally beat.  Watching The Face is all about basking in the glow of that iconic Campbell bitchery.   

 

Tori & Dean: Hola Hattie

Tori enjoyed a charity-laced baby shower with her Mom and friends at the table.  Candy correctly predicted the sex of the baby.  She seemed genuinely happy to be part of the pregnancy this time around.  Count this as one of the very, very, very few genuine moments in a season filled with orchestrated hour-long shill fests.We are supposed to believe that an extra-pregnant Tori set up an elaborate mother-daughter tea party complete with hanging tree decorations, a well-appointed table, and pink frosted cupcakes.  The production assistants on this show must be some of the most thankless and exhausted.Stella was an adorable hostess and fully redeemed herself from any unsavory behavior in the past weeks. The PAs were extra tired setting up the tea party because they spent all night crafting this paper mache volcano for Liam to destroy in thirty seconds while playing scientist with baking soda and vinegar.  Mommy-son time was slightly less touching than the mother-daughter moment, but Liam promised, in his own way, to stop being such an asshole.  Tori and Dean reportedly paid $2.4 million for a little over 2,000 square feet on 1.75 acres of mega-valuable Malibu land.  It is rumored they sold their Encino home featured on the show for $2.5 million, a $450,000 loss from the $2.9 million they reportedly paid in oh-eight.  Think the lingering stench of goat shit had anything to do with the hit they took?Liam was not thrilled with the drastic cut in square footage and protested at the idea of sharing a room with Stella.  I don’t blame him.  He’s what, 2 to 3 years from getting into some serious self-wang touching?  Let the kid have some privacy, jeesh.  Dean wasn’t having any of Liam’s stank attitude even though Tori had second thoughts about the kids’ proposed sleeping arrangement.  Stella declared she’s born to be nice.  Liam was born to be…

Let’s just agree to shelve kids.

Tori couldn’t even take time off from career-waffling to give birth.  This week she designed her own superfug asymmetrical birthing gown with snap-away shoulder. 

This is like a horror movie.  I can’t.  Let’s just move on.

Mom and baby meet for the first time cheek to cheek.

Mehran is thrilled about the fashion possibilities a girl brings. Why are they so rough with the babies?  Chill.  It is a newborn not a salt scrub. 

The big finale involved a lot of glossing over of major events.  We saw none of the house buying-selling negotiations.  Why did Tori’s two girlfriends rep her on the sale of her home, but a different agent repped her on the Malibu purchase?  Did things get messy with the girls?  Also, we weren’t privy to much marriage drama this season, but I don’t think it was for lack of conflict.  Dean’s story arc began and ended with the kitchen.  What’s really going on here?  I smell something funny and it ain’t Dean’s frittatas.  This white-washed version of reality felt like a bunch of staged moments spliced together to create the impression of a perfect life for a perfect sales pitch.  Are we buying?  

Tori & Dean: Stella’s 3

Stella turned three and celebrated with a Hello Kitty-themed bonanza on this penultimate episode of the season.  Who is eating all this cake?  Seriously, that’s enough cake for 300 people. Super mellow as usual, Stella enjoyed rubbing elbows with the offspring of Hollywood’s C-minus-list mom cartel which includes Ali Landry and Denise RichardsDean diddled in the liquid nitrogen.  Candy’s bodyguards brought Tori’s old dollhouse in for Stella.

Dean booked an appearance in Toronto - something having to do with honoring Dads.  Marvel at our short collective memories.  Not long ago this guy deserted his family to run off with Tori, now he’s leading fatherhood rallies?  Later the whole family took a trip to the top of the CN Tower and Liam got busy licking the glass floor.Next week for the big finale, Tori gives birth to Hattie.  So if this reality show is any indication of actual reality (which of course it isn’t), then basically all the McDermotts did from Tori’s first trimester to her last is throw parties.  Somebody has a party planning book to promote.  Jeesh.

Tori & Dean: Old McDermott Had a Farm

Mehran visited Old McDermott’s mini-farm and finally articulated what we’ve all been wondering.  What is the deal with the indoor/outdoor livestock? Do they really think they are going to recreate the Beekman in Encino?  Bitch please.  Do guests just politely pretend her house doesn’t smell like animal feces?Tori countered Mehran’s inquiry by explaining she wanted the kids to grow up around animals.  She doesn’t quite seem to grasp that goats aren’t lap pets – especially when you are four months pregnant. Tori hosted a meeting with HSN product-pusher Pulsar.  During the presentation, Totes McGoats nibbled on the mood boards.  This leads us to Tori’s career lark of the week: parties in a box.  Is anyone else surprised that last week Tori covered the Royal Wedding and this week she’s trying to launch the same business model that made the Middletons their millions?  Tori moves forward with these inane ideas without any sense of self-awareness.  Evidently, no one has the heart to tell her that she lacks the experience, follow through, and commitment to launch any of these half-cocked notions into successful ventures. In a blatant cross-promotional bonanza, Patti Stanger appeared under the pretense of matching MehranTori and Patti sifted through the best of the very limited pool of potential dates and invited them to a mixer.   From there, Mehran chose two guys to meet one-on-one for cocktails.  Mehran conveniently chose the same location for drinks as the surprise baby shower that he and Tori planned for InvenTori manager Sally SmoodyTori and Sally wore conspicuously large hats, and Tori waived her cell phone around wildly as part of the most non-stealth spy mission ever attempted. Tori escorted Sally upstairs and “surprised” her with her shower, which was actually just a huge product placement for her gay husbands’ baby PR firm and her party planning book.  Tori orchestrated a seance for her 38th birthday.  Guests, including Jeff Lewis, came dressed as their favorite horror movie characters.  Tori dressed as Mia Farrow from Rosemary’s Baby, Mehran chose Damien from The Omen, and the one costume that will haunt me in my nightmares: Liam channeled Chucky.  

Tori & Dean: Royal Tantrums

Dean cut his hand open preparing for friends and family night at culinary school. The first week of cooking class Dean biffed his egg dish.  Next he sliced his hand open with a knife creating a wound which required 8 stitches.  Dean’s dreams of his own cooking show are going up in a puff of burned frittata smoke.  Doesn’t really matter anyway since these cooking classes still don’t justify his inclusion in the insipid couple segments the content-desperate entertainment shows insist on airing. After complimenting Stella on her good behavior last week, she had to go and blow it with an embarrassing meltdown in dance class. Despite her condition, Tori threw a Royal Wedding Slumber Party where she planned to stay up all night with her gays and staff.  Access Hollywood stopped by for a chat, and then the gang snuggled into the sofa for Kate and Will’s union.  Long live Queen Patsy!Tori lightly dozed on and off through the nuptials and capped the morning with a traditional English breakfast courtesy of Chef McDermott.  With just a wisp of sleep under her pregnant belly, she ran off to film the Fashion Police Royal Wedding Special.Tori suffered a bout of self doubt when she learned that Mel B was 2 months further along in her pregnancy than Tori yet appeared significantly smaller in the belly.In the disorganization that is the McDermott asshole Baby Farm, Tori misplaced the dance bag, and the hunt had the whole family in a late tizzy to get to the dance recital.For this week’s date night, Dean prepared a surprise meal for Tori in The Grill’s kitchen.  While in the kitchen, Dean admitted he had doubts about his commitment to a future in professional food preparation.  For a man in his mid-forties, Dean flits among interests like a college undergrad searching for a major.Tori showed off some parenting skills by working a little reverse psychology on a resistant Liam during a photo shoot for Babytalk magazine.  She obviously learned a lot about coaxing divas dealing with that demanding bitch Brian Austin Green during the BH 90210 days.  On the second shoot for Parenting magazine, Liam threw another fit over his assigned role as Charlie Chaplin, but Dean lured him in with the promise of a mustache.

Tori & Dean: The Chicken or the Preg?

Pregnancy speculation themed this week’s Tori & Dean yet again.  Since this child was born months ago, do we really care?May I comment on the fact that Stella is like the most delightful child ever?  I have yet to see her throw a tantrum, and I’ve been watching closely.  Even Liam is less of an asshole this season.  That Adderall-laced breakfast cereal must be working. The last press-heavy event scheduled to take place during Tori’s first trimester was the GLAAD Awards.  This bitch obviously has no fucking idea of how to disguise a pregnancy with intelligent fashion choices.  Tori thought it appropriate to wear a shiny black tent attached to a Wilma Flintstone-style set of oversized gold pearls.  The dress draped over her bump and the shiny fabric betrayed her secret.  Who needs a confirmation?  This fug dress is the confirmation.  Oh, and she took the chicken.  It was Dean’s turn to spin the career wheel this week and his arrow landed on “culinary student.”  Because every opportunist actor needs a back up plan, Dean decided to enroll in a culinary arts program to secure his future as a sous chef.

He fucked up his first frittata.

After getting the clear from her long-suffering OBGYN, Tori decided to scoop the gossip weeklies and announce the pregnancy on her own Twitter feed.  Then she thoroughly enjoyed taking a fame bath in her self-drawn trending-topic tub.Naturally, Kathie Lee was butt-hurt over Tori denying the pregnancy to her face on the 4th hour, but a bouquet of flowers and a cheeky note seemed to smooth things over.

WANG GAMES: It’s not that gay

Anybody else catch the incredibly awkward, uncomfortable, and unintentional coming out party two guys had on Love Games: Bad Girls Need Love Too?  (Don’t judge me haughty bitches.)Mike and Chris played helicopter wangs and then locked themselves in the bathroom for a little “private time.”  Neither bothered to think up a good explanation for the co-bathtime behavior, so Chris panicked and blurted to the assembled group that he was taking a dump and Michael came in to take a shower.  The lame-ass cover did nothing to quell the suspicions of man-on-man fun. Michael neither confirmed nor denied, but his face gave away everything.  Chris looked nauseous as it dawned on him his parents and homophobic friends were going to definitely watch this.  His little Gaultier T-Shirt isn’t helping. Michael was eliminated because (surprise, surprise) none of the girls thought he was very into them (maybe because he was four inches into Chris’ asshole instead?).

 

Tori & Dean: got your goat

This week on Tori & Dean the focus returned to a troubled Inventori, a space Tori opened to hock her personal hoarder stash to the unsuspecting public at an exorbitant markup.  Even though neither has any experience running a retail store, they are surprised to hear from staff that the store is struggling. Tori admitted she didn’t actually have any GD clue where shop owners procure inventory for their stores.  Scout offered up an antique fair in Texas as a possibility.  Tori’s inexperience underscores her complete and total lack of basic qualifications for owning a store that purports to sell antiques.  Are these legit antiques or just a bunch of old tacky shit?  On the basis of that hideous painted armoire in the background alone, I’m inclined to say the latter.Even though the whole point of the Inventori endeavor is to clear years-worth of accumulated possessions, rather than lower the prices to actually move some of the merch, Tori decides to restock the store with less sentimental items from the Texas antique fair.  It doesn’t occur to Tori that the antique dealers at this antique fair are reselling at retail not wholesale prices, so she donned the world’s ugliest caftan and got the whole gang on board for a jaunt down south.Oh yeah, and Patsy’s back.  If you are trying to hide your pregnancy why would you invite your baby nurse for a visit?Big fucking surprise, once Tori got down to the antique extravaganza she realized that most items carried an inflated price which didn’t leave much room for profit margin upon resale, even in L.A.  The first day was a total bust.  Dean harvested some intel and found out all the good stuff gets scooped up by local early birds.  Fucking early birds.Later after stuffing dead animals covered in BBQ sauce in their pie holes, James, Scout, and Dean insisted on riding a mechanical bull.  James obviously had quite a bit more riding experience than the other two, because he’s the only one that dismounted feet not head first.The next day, the gang went on a buying spree.  Tori even leveraged her star power to score a golf cart.  Iron bed frames, wing-backed chairs, a sweet long wooden table, and several odd tables are just a few of the items Tori selected for the truck headed back to L.A.Even though the last thing the McDermott residence needs is another feces contributor, Dean brought a baby pygmy goat and baby white fluffy chicken to join the other indoor barnyard animals.  Baby animals are delightful and all, but goats and chickens in the house?  That can’t be sanitary.When the truck arrived from Texas, Tori unloaded all the new purchases and presumably took the furniture she was actually trying to sell back to expensive storage.Serving her best poor woman’s Lucille Ball, Tori rolled around in her closet pretending to wrangle with Spanx.  When the girdle bested her, she turned to an unattractive babydoll dress and rubber rain boots which did nothing to detract from pregnancy speculation.  All the fuss was over the Fabulous Beekman boys who came to town to do an in-store cross-promo moment at Inventori.  Goat soap for everyone.

Tori & Dean: Partypoop

This week on “Tori Spelling’s New Career,” Tori fancied herself a professional party planner.  Apparently, publisher Simon & Schuster’s got a rock hard boner for Tori’s party planning book.  She beckoned her homoservant James to pull together three fake photoshoot parties for the book, and assigned Dean to organize an actual Ghostbusters-themed 4th birthday for Liam.The subplot this week centered on hiding Tori’s first trimester pregnancy from the outer circle.  Intel on Spelling’s womb is apparently so sought after she cannot murmur a word to anyone for fear that her secret would be splashed across the pages of US Weekly without a payday.  While she claimed to want to keep the news on lock, her persistence in wearing unnecessarily indicating maternity garb made it seem as though she was both encouraging and enjoying the speculation.The true Tori emerged on set during the photoshoot for her party planning book “Celebratori” (vomit).  Someone staged a shot that Tori didn’t care for, and she turned on her best Beverly Hills bitchery to remind the photographer that Mz. Spelling prefers to serve her sparkling water in a pitcher, not a milk jug.The staged spa party was as clichéd and tired as you can imagine.  The idea was an inexpensive DIY spa night, but between the flowers, booze, beauty products, and baked goods, it would be cheaper to go to the spa.The second fake party was themed “game night.”  Yeah, I know, she’s a ground-breaking party-planning genius.  Why hasn’t someone given this girl a book deal?

While shooting the ultra-pivotal dessert table, both the sweets and Tori began to melt in the southern California sun.  She and James bickered over details and mistakes.  The argument escalated to a full on cake debate and concluded with James storming off in a puff huff.The next day James and Tori kicked around sand and made easy amends in the desert.  They exchanged apologies over losing their patience the day prior.  Then they set to work on staging a fun but unrealistic “old west party” which culminated in a marshmallow roast.While Tori shot the book, Dean planned Liam’s Ghostbusters party.  Of all the parties, Dean’s party for Liam was actually the most creative.  He handmade Proton Packs that shot Silly String, and he constructed and painted a haunted house for the kids to enjoy.  Where’s Dean’s party planning book?After fussing to the photographer over whether she looked preggers in the photos, Tori divulged to her mother the news of their expanding family.  Candy looked surprised, but painted on her best happy face.  Tori looked satisfied by her response and the two shared a rarely seen tender mother-daughter moment.Tori wrapped the book shoot with a 70’s Caftan Party complete with fondue.  They shot in a house that looked a lot like Aniston’s recently sold overpriced shag pad.  Post-shoot, Tori gathered the gang for a toast and shared the news about the latest McDermott.  The next morning the parents informed Liam and Stella that soon a new sibling would join them as two of Hollywood’s most exploited children.  Mazels all around.