Tag Archives: parents

Skills for Life: Tiny Cleaning Crew

TINY TOWN BOYLast week, I went on the cutest date with the best man to Tiny TownTiny Town is comprised of a ton of little dollhouses and has a little train you can ride around the modest grounds.  We arrived early before the crowds and commenced our tour of Tiny Town.  As we got toward the back of the colony of dollhouses, I noticed two girls.  The older girl looked about nine years old and the younger one around seven.  They had a bucket and squeegee and were cleaning off the exterior of the tiny houses.  I watched and listened to the diminutive cleaning crew working.  As they cleaned the dirt off the dollhouse windows one by one, I heard the older girl explaining to the younger girl that the water was getting dirty and needed to be changed.  They weren’t complaining, worked together without conflict, and encouraged each other to rally when they got tired.  I was super impressed.  Not only were these girls participating in age-appropriate chores, but the older girl was mentoring the younger girl by teaching her cleaning skills for life.  There was no direct adult supervision, and there didn’t need to be because these two young ladies were clearly raised with a sense of responsibility.  TINY TOWN TWO GIRLSYesterday, during my teeth cleaning, I was listening to my hygienist bitch about her step-children – two girls – ages ten and twelve who are spoiled brats with zero responsibility.  These girls respect no one because they have never been taught respect.  They have no life skills because no one ever taught them how to pick up after themselves.  As a result, the girls are ungrateful and bored because they have no appreciation for responsibility.  Parents who shelter their children from work are doing their kids a great disservice.  Find age-appropriate tasks and teach your children early on that life is a balance between work and fun.  Prepare your children for the reality of life not your fantasy of an ideal childhood.  Teach them self-soothing skills and self-sufficiency, so you don’t end up gifting the world with your useless, lazy, spoiled, entitled, and ungrateful offspring.  Yeah, I sound judgmental, but when it comes to parenting – if you aren’t going to do it right, don’t do it at all. TINY TOWN KID

Skills for Life: teenagers lie

TEENAGE KISSAs you know, I’m not a parent.  I don’t even have a pet.  My cayenne pepper plant is the closest thing to a being that depends on me, and it could probably survive on my porch for some time without intervention.  Even though I’m not a parent, I was a teenager.  And to quote Wendy Williams, I was a teenager who was “up to thangs.”  Drugs. Fighting. Musicians. Protests. Shows. Parties. Mischief. Jail.  Because of these experiences, I know when others are up to thangs.TRAFFIC BATHROOM FREEBASEI have a friend.  Well-educated and hard-working, she’s done exceptionally well for herself.  With no children of her own, she treats her family generously.  Years back, she promised her niece that if she met certain stipulations, my friend would take her to Europe for high school graduation.  Recently, the niece graduated.  True to her word, my friend planned a lovely trip overseas for the two of them.A ROOM WITH A VIEWTwo days after gradation and less than a week before their planned departure date, niece split her car between two trees driving drunk.  Thankfully, niece walked away unscathed as did her two passengers.  The collision destroyed the car.  One passenger fled on foot.  One stayed behind.  Niece called her parents.  Her parents awoke to the middle of the night call – a nightmare.  The concerned couple leapt from slumber to fetch a nearly-passed-out-drunk niece from a nearby location.BTW TREESThe family returned to the scene of the wreck.  When the tow truck was called to retrieve the crunched car, the tow truck driver informed the parents that he was obligated to notify the police because the property damage exceeded $1000.  While her parents are cleaning up her mess, niece is passed out drunk in the back seat of their car.LOHAN PASS OUTCops show up.  Dad says he’s the one that was driving.  Dad receives citation for reckless driving.  As a result, teenage drunk driving niece endures zero consequences for her extraordinarily reckless actions.  The next day, niece plays innocent and convinces naive parents that this is the first time she has ever driven drunk.  She appears contrite.  They allow her to go to Europe anyway.90210 IN PARISI think this response is total bullshit.  Not on my friend’s part.  She’s an innocent bystander in this situation just following through on her promise, and I admire her for that.  I’m looking at the parents in judgement.  Parents never want to believe the worst or the truth regarding their child (too often one in the same).  “The other kid was the ringleader… My kid was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.”  I can’t with the excuses.  Your kid is a fucker.  I know this because I was a fucker.  I was up to thangs, and I relentlessly and pathologically lied to cover my ass.  Lying is what teenagers do.  Don’t take it personally.  Deception is a developmental stage.  Just don’t be gullible enough to believe the little liars – or worse reward them for their dishonorable behavior with a European vacation.BAD EGG

 

Kate Plus 8: love & hate

JON AND KATE GOSSELIN AND SEXTUPLETSI have such mixed feelings on Kate Gosselin.  As a blanket feeling, I can’t respect a woman who sought unnecessary fertility treatment and then spends the rest of her life acting put upon when all the monkeying around resulted in sextuplets.  You are in a hell of your own making bitch.  Don’t complain when you get what you asked for.KATE MADY CARAThe fame, the money, it has clearly gone to her head in the form of extensions – Kate’s serving us county fair Pennsylvania pageant hair in lieu of her former hedgehog head.  Her body is tight, and her forehead is even tighter.  She’s improved components of her appearance over the years, but they apparently haven’t developed a plastic surgery to correct bitchface because that is her countenance all day long.KATE GOSSELIN BITCHFACEHer mothering lacks warmth.  She yells.  She doesn’t hug.  She doesn’t smile.  She humiliates.  She lacks compassion.  She’s a white-knuckle parent trying to control her children like a disciplined child army.  Did you see how she Mommie Dearest-ed Mady?  She refused to let Mady win the stupid game, but Kate was underhandedly nice enough to invite Mady’s best friend Jenna as a surprise.  I guess Cara didn’t have any friends to include?MADY AND KATEAll that said, Kate gets a few things right.  The Gosselin kids complete chores and therefore understand responsibility and hard work.  Kate has instilled a sense of team work and camaraderie in her kids that will serve them throughout their lives long after they have escaped her overly-controlling clutches.  Kate creates structure.  Kate sets limits.  Kate tries to provide fun for her kids.  It’s just that she’s such a miserable bitch she even ruins the good times.KATE GOSSELIN YELLSThe kids appear intelligent, well-spoken, polite, and scared.  Mady’s still the thorn in her mother’s side and I can’t wait to read her inevitable tell-all.  It’s just a matter of time before Collin grows taller than Kate, looks down at her and says “shut the fuck up Mom.”  Can the cameras please capture that developmental milestone?KATE JOEL COLLINFor this TLC special, Kate wants to go big for the sextuplet’s tenth birthday.  Kate wants a carnival theme.  Too bad she’s not listening to what the kids want.  Clearly, what these kids want is to feel like an only child for one day.  Only children get to be alone with their parents.  Only children get to do what they want to do without compromise.  The greatest gift she could give those kids on their birthday is time away from their siblings.KATE PLUS 8 TLCOn each of the six days proceeding the birthday, take one kid out each day.  On the seventh day, have a family party.  Some of you are saying – what are you going to do with the other kids when you are out with that one kid?  No doubt the Gosselins employ nannies.  Cooperate with Jon for the good of the kids.  Make it work.  For someone who considers herself an organizational marvel, a day focused on one child can’t be any harder than planning an elaborate backyard carnival that’s more for the network than it is for the kids.GOSSELIN SEXTUPLETS

 

shame corner. I sometimes agree with Dr. Laura

DR LAURA LARRY KINGEven though (in my opinion / legal disclaimer) Dr. Laura has behaved as a bigoted hypocrite, occasionally she preaches truth.  If you’ve never listened to Dr. Laura, she’s an ultraconservative radio talk show host with a harshsauce advice delivery system.  Ask your Mom.  She’ll explain.  START LIVING

I admit it.  I agree with Dr. Laura regarding the following three points:

1)  Don’t marry a weak man. 

Weak men = mama’s boys.  Weak men = childishly obsess over internet porn.  Weak men = lie.  Nearly every show, Dr. Laura’s callers illustrate how weak men are the source of innumerable problems.  Weak men don’t get strong.10 STUPID THINGS

2) Don’t marry an addict.

Addicts only care about their addiction.

DIVORCE

3) Stay home with your kid(s) until they go to school.

Controversial, right?  Can we agree that 0-5 years old are hugely formative years for a human being?  Can we agree that children are at their most vulnerable to predators before they can speak or physically defend themselves?  I am not a parent, but if I were and could possibly afford it, I would commit five years to my child to nurture and protect the kid during this crucial developmental period.  Obviously, such a scenario is not financially feasible for every family.  Regardless of income, no one is ever going to love and protect my kid like I would with such unwavering and priceless devotion.  IN PRAISE OF STAY AT HOME MOMS

Demeter Clarc Manners Moment: Don’t Raise a Dickhead

KIDS YOGARecently, I invited kids to join a class I usually teach for adults.  I’m not a fan of pandering to children, so I expect the youngsters attending my class will demonstrate a modicum of self-control and respect.  In general, I treat kids as capable beings.  That’s why I blame parents when I observe many children have not been taught how to properly greet another human.MEET THE KIDSFor example I’ll say: “Hi kids, welcome to class, nice to see you again.  Thanks for joining us.”  No eye contact.  No response.  These children range in age from 6-10 years old and are quite capable of an age-appropriate level of social interaction with adults.  The accompanying parent, a highly intelligent, insightful, and successful person, makes no effort to corral the children for a proper greeting.  I find this unbelievably shocking.  Without exception, children must learn to respectfully acknowledge adults.  I need some eye contact and a bonjour at the very least.  PLEASED TO MEET YOUEven though it is fully possible that the kiddos ignore me because I’m a child-hating cunt, I’ll just humbly offer that no one is twisting their arms to come to this class and they attend quite voluntarily and enthusiastically.  So even though I am a mean witch, I haven’t revealed my broom to the little ones just yet.  This clearly isn’t a personal rebuff, but routinely rude behavior.  Unfortunately, these kids just haven’t been taught proper manners.  HI THEREObviously, parents resent advice from non-parents, but non-parents resent having to deal with rude children, so let’s just agree to call it even.  Remember: little assholes grow up to be big assholes.  We are all counting on you not to raise a dickhead.  Don’t let us down.    HOW RUDE

Adult Lessons from Bringing Up Bebe

BRINGING UP BEBE COVER ARTI was desperate for something to read and in a weird mood, so I downloaded Bringing Up Bébé: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting.  As you well know, I am not a parent and have a deeply instilled aversion to most children.  I didn’t even like children when I was a child, so I’m not really sure why I wanted to read a parenting book.  As I read the book, it sent me into an analysis of my own deeply flawed upbringing.  I’m no gushing francophile either, but Pamela Druckerman’s conversational and confessional writing style drew me into her world of raising little Americans in Paris.DRUCKERMAN KIDSIn reading the parenting guide, I was struck just how few adults (including moi) have learned some of the basic lessons institutionalized in the French child-rearing philosophy.  Like what you ask?  How about….CA VA1) attendre - to wait.  According to Druckerman, instead of saying “stop” French parents say “attend” or “wait.”  This practice instills a sense of patience in the child and reminds the child that the world does not stop at his or her command.  Now how many rude and self-important adults do you know who could benefit from an understanding of this very basic principle?   CHILDREN WAIT2) cadre – Druckerman refers to the cadre or framework for French parenting.  Essentially, the framework consists of strict boundaries with much freedom within those boundaries.  For instance, in France a child can enjoy cake, chocolate, or other indulgences everyday, but only at the designated snack time and in a reasonable portion.  Perhaps with a little structure to my eating times I wouldn’t be devouring Chocolove pretzel bars at 10 am.  GOUTER3) sage – The French prefer their children wise and calm.  A kid must exercise self-control as well as be able to amuse oneself.  Based on my limited observations, self-control may be the single greatest factor in crafting a successful life.  Furthermore, a grown-ass person really has no excuse for complaining of boredom.  The French understand you must make your own fucking fun.LOVE HATE BABY

What You Should NOT Do for a Dollah

1) Don’t get lured into exploitative direct marketing or pyramid schemes.  I recently was invited to an Arbonne event by someone.  Arbonne is a “natural” beauty company sold through representatives in the vein of Mary Kay or Avon.  At first, I thought this person was just asking me for a friendly drink.  Then it turned into: watch these chicks get Mercedes for selling skincare.  Despite the aggressive tactics, it is almost impossible to make any money with the slim profit margins in these shady ventures.  If they ask you for money up front, back away.2) Why waste energy on enterprises that don’t value what you have to offer?  As you well know, life is short.  You can waste yours lining unworthy pockets or you can refuse to settle for anything less than a fulfilling use of your time, talent, and resources.  3) Please don’t resort to performing sexual favors; depleting your plasma; permanently moving back in with your parents; signing up for a reality show; sacrificing your pride and dignity, or staying on at a job you truly loathe. 

sleep thief

After 27 days of sleep deprivation, I’m totally exhausted and annihilated.  This got me wondering how long it will take me to catch up and recover.  The most recent studies suggest that sleep debt can’t be repaid in one or two nights of longer snoozes.  The average American gets 6.9 hours of sleep.  Subjects restricted to 7 hours of sleep had slower response times during cognitive testing.  Those restricted to 6 hours of sleep performed so poorly after several days of limited sleep they actually fell into micro sleeps during simple ten minute cognitive tests.   Folks performed consistently well on tests with 8-9 hours of sleep, though I feel best with a luxurious full ten.  This is one of the main reasons I’m not interested in children.  Children steal sleep. With my cognitive capabilities greatly diminished by the chronic sleep deprivation, this math may be be wrong.  By my calculations, I have 108 hours of sleep to recover.  How much sleep do you owe yourself?  Are folks bitchy or just tired?