Tag Archives: party

throw the baby shower out with the bath water

KOURTNEY KARDASHIAN BABY SHOWERJust got back from a baby shower.  Said my Hellos.  I stayed 30 minutes because there was nothing for me at this party.  First, it was one of those invite the whole family type showers and I don’t have a kid or husband to reluctantly drag.  The mutual co-worker who was supposed to attend with me cancelled (ugh, 4th time in a row this bitch has bailed on concrete plans).  I showed up with my thick stack of Dr. Suess books elegantly wrapped.  I dropped the present off at the designated table occupied by several medium-sized gift bags.   I greeted the mom-to-be who was dressed in a tight, fuchsia, cotton, ruched tube dress.  She looked like a raspberry.  I told her as much, which in hindsight she may not have appreciated, but I love raspberries so I didn’t intend the comment pejoratively.  Dad-to-be and I chatted for awhile, but I noticed the side-eye of the older ladies when our conversation extended beyond 5 minutes of appropriate small talk.  Who is that predatory single woman circling the dad-in-waiting?  Please.  There are no secret yearnings.  Excuse the blatant bitchery, but if I wanted him I could have him a year ago when we first met and he was drooling all over himself.HOLLY MADISON BABY SHOWER

After I was done talking to the two guests of honor, I wandered around a little bit and introduced myself to a few other folks standing solo.  Nobody seemed very interested in small talk, and it’s not my strength anyway.  When in doubt, hit the buffet, right?  Well you already know that I refer to buffets at barffets and am never in the mood for a group feeding.  This spread was particularly bleak.  Two circular trays of Subway-style sandwiches of dubious origin and questionable content.  The fold-out tables lacked proper placards describing the menu.  Just down from the sandwich wheels where huge bowls of standard potato chips.  Why do people do this?  Put out enough potato chips to feed and army just to watch them soften into stale after the first hour.  Plate of pickles, ok, I get the nod to pregnancy cravings.   A couple of large bowls of mystery potato-salad glop remained untouched.  The beverage options included electric yellow “lemonade” and something that looked like soda.  Not a cupcake in sight.  Killing time with mindless eating would not be an option at this shindig.BABY BUMCAKES

The one activity provided for the children was butcher paper on the tables and crayons.  I made a doodle.  I met a couple kids.  I drank some neon lemonade.  Then I split.  There was nothing left for me.KROY KIM

To that end, if you want people to stay at your baby shower for more than the obligatory 30 minutes, consider the following:

1) With regard to length. 2 hours maximum.  This one was scheduled for a tedious 3.  I like the idea of a short and sweet 90 minutes.

2) Delicious food.  Lots of options.  Baked goods.  Simple non-dressed salads.  Fruit. Cheese. Crudites. Readily available sweets. Warm offerings.  Coffee. Tea. Iced Tea. Water.  I personally prefer an elegant seated brunch.JESSICA SIMPSON

3) Make introductions.  Reign in loners.  Ensure everyone feels included.WIZ AND AMBER

4) Create intimate seating arrangements to encourage eating, drinking, and conversation.EVEYLN LOZADA

5) Designate a separate (but within eyeshot/earshot of helicopter parents) fun space for the kids.MINNIE DRIVER

6) It’s fine if you aren’t into “baby games,” but do provide some sort of entertainment or fun.  Music. Dancing. Karaoke. Ice your own cupcake.  Whatever.  These activities start conversations and save people from dreaded awkward mingling.MINDY WEISS

7) Attentive hosting takes work, the preggo shouldn’t be hosting her own baby shower, but these two did it as a couple.  Designate a host devoted to socially lubricating the shower.  Mothers and mothers-in-law love this job.KRIS AND KOURTNEY KARDASHIAN

 

Spider Cider

SPIDER CIDERWith the Halloween Party this weekend, I’ve decided to pull out an old crowd-pleaser of a warm cocktail ~ Spider Cider!

BIG POTTake one big pot.  Place over burner on warm heat.APPLE CIDERPour in 1 gallon high-quality apple cider or apple juice.

SPICE ROW

Add generous amounts of allspice, cinnamon, cloves, and optional orange peel.  Don’t be shy with the flavor!  Most people under-spice.

CIDER SPICE PACKETS

Allow the aroma to fill the house.  When the brew is sufficiently mulled, generously ladle it into mugs with a shot of top-shelf rum and serve with a cinnamon stick.  You’ll know it’s ready when the guests begin to gather around for a tipple.

RUMThis simple spiked & spiced beverage warms you like a gentle boozy hug, but I call it Spider Cider because it can creep up and bite you in the ass.  Enjoy.SPICED CIDER TRAY

Demeter Clarc Manners Moment: acceptable invitations

HALLOWEEN PARTY INVITESI’m co-hosting a Halloween party this year and I’ve begun to disseminate invites.  Some people I encourage in person, a few I email, some I text, but regardless of how I contact them I can clearly picture the bitchface each of them makes when they learn a costume is required.  And I’ve got a bitchface for them in return.  Once a God Damn year, that’s it, just suck it up and wear a costume.  Flex your atrophied creativity muscles and dig deep into the reaches of your overstuffed closet.  Don’t tell me there isn’t something you can throw together to wear.  I resent inviting people to shit and they act like it is such a chore.  Lately, my generous invitations have been returned with an ungrateful side order of “here’s how you can accommodate me” from the guest.  Come or don’t, but don’t act like this party is a celebration of you.  An invitation should be received with a “thank you for inviting me, I look forward to it” or “thank you for inviting me, I have a conflict.”  No further extrapolation needed.  And don’t forget our Leah Love wants an RSVP bitches!HALLOWEEN MAKE UP

Demeter Clarc Manners Moment: it’s just really expensive to feed you

Thank our girl Blanche for this one folks.  Early in February, Blanche received a tacky save-the-date email from two betrothed friends.  At the end of March, she received this email from the couple:

Hi Everybody!

We have decided to cut back the scope of our wedding and are now planning an alternative ceremony with immediate family and will be canceling the July 19 ceremony.

What started as a desire to throw a simple party for friends and family quickly grew into something neither of us wanted and no longer represented the evening we had in mind.  Thank you for all your love and support!  We love all of you, it’s just really expensive to feed you :)

With love,

(names withheld to protect the guilty)

Where to begin with this?  G-SUS.  Yeah, let it wash over you.  Rub it in your skin.  The pair has the audacity to disinvite guests whom they’ve already asked to save-the-date.  To add another layer of grime to the email, they dangle the morsel that they will still be having a festive little clan gathering, you just don’t warrant an inner-circle invite.  If that weren’t enough, the reason you can’t come is because you eat too much.  Well fuck you too then.  And don’t expect a gift either. 

 

 

Fizzy

Demeter Clarc Manners Moment: Leah Love Deserves an RSVP Dammit.

Loyal and lovely reader Leah Love wrote me with a request for a Demeter Clarc Manners Moment on RSVP etiquette.  Thanks so much for reading and writing to me Leah.  I really appreciate your kind words and support.  Here is an excerpt of LL’s letter.

I would love to see a post on the importance of RSVPing. I’m trying to affect change and influence behavior with a grassroots RSVP etiquette movement. As a person who throws my fair share of parties, nothing annoys me more than people not RSVPing. It’s so fucking rude, and it serves a real and important purpose: so the host knows how to properly provide food and drinks for her guests.  It seems like these days, with the casual nature of connecting caused by technology, that manners have fallen by the wayside.

Well said Mizz Love, well said.  Let’s be honest about the politics of the RSVP.  It goes without saying that anything involving a written, posted invitation requires a response.  Wedding invitations and baby showers, replies are 100% required for events of this nature.  Proper etiquette gets murkier the more casual the gathering.  This is a shitty thing to admit, but sometimes folks wait to reply hoping a better social opportunity comes along.  Only the cruel and honest truth delivered here at DC.As the host, you absolutely must make your expectations clear.  If you want an RSVP, you must unequivocally state in the invitation that you expect the courtesy of an RSVP and when you expect it.  If it is really important, add a “bitches” to the end.  RSVP bitches, or better yet “Don’t make me hunt down your RSVP you rude-ass bitches.”  See why I don’t throw many parties?I want to propose a different angle that you may not want to hear Leah, and please know I say this with Love.  Consider letting go of the need to know how many people will arrive.  Regardless of the number of confirmed RSVPs, guest attendance always fluctuates at the last minute.  Hosting a sit down dinner?  Fine, be rigid about a response.  Casual cocktails?  Why not just see who shows up?   I seriously doubt you have ever really run out of food or drink.  Reflect upon whether this is more about wanting to maintain control or about an irrational anxiety that no one will show up to your party.  Not to worry, of course they will come, because you are obviously social lava.  A relaxed host is a happy host.  Focus on your fun.     

 

Tori & Dean: Stella’s 3

Stella turned three and celebrated with a Hello Kitty-themed bonanza on this penultimate episode of the season.  Who is eating all this cake?  Seriously, that’s enough cake for 300 people. Super mellow as usual, Stella enjoyed rubbing elbows with the offspring of Hollywood’s C-minus-list mom cartel which includes Ali Landry and Denise RichardsDean diddled in the liquid nitrogen.  Candy’s bodyguards brought Tori’s old dollhouse in for Stella.

Dean booked an appearance in Toronto - something having to do with honoring Dads.  Marvel at our short collective memories.  Not long ago this guy deserted his family to run off with Tori, now he’s leading fatherhood rallies?  Later the whole family took a trip to the top of the CN Tower and Liam got busy licking the glass floor.Next week for the big finale, Tori gives birth to Hattie.  So if this reality show is any indication of actual reality (which of course it isn’t), then basically all the McDermotts did from Tori’s first trimester to her last is throw parties.  Somebody has a party planning book to promote.  Jeesh.

Demeter Clarc Manners Moment: Forbidden Friday

So no matter what happens this weekend, we are absolutely forbidden from partaking in the following behaviors.

Childish Alcoholic Douchebaggery.

No belly shots, keg stands, quarters, beruit, or other drinking games spawned from the land of Kappa Kappa Kunts.  Trust me – you’ve graduated.

Enjoy no more than 5 cocktails, and if any one of you makes that Mercy-laced cocktail recipe courtesy of GOOP then I will issue an official fatwa on your ass.  Take that shit to Gwyneth’s townhouse.  Wanna cure your hangover?  Set aside a fat rail from your eight ball and reserve it for breakfast.  Problem solved.  Put that in your newsletter Mizz Martin.

Mopping up the Dregs.

No matter how desperate, horny, or lonely, avoid finding a fuck partner the last twenty minutes the bar is open.  When has a truly satisfying sexual experience come from sorting through the dregs at last call?  Better question, how many of these encounters require a side order of Valtrex with the following morning’s Mimosa brunch.  Don’t kick off 2012 with a trip to the free clinic.

Including the drama couple.

Most of us are friends with at least one couple that can’t make it through an entire evening without getting into some loud dramatic stunt queen shit that sours the fun for everyone.  Avoid those assholes this weekend.

Drinking and Driving

DUI’s are so 2007 and so inexcusable.  For those dumbasses thinking of riding home on their bikes drunk (FYI, you can still get a DUI on a bike), did I ever tell you about that night I spent in the hospital with my friend Oskar after he cracked his head open drunk biking home from the bars one night?  Fun story.

Bitch & Complain

Nothing sucks up fun like a whiny bitch.  I’ll sum this up with one of my favorite quotes (which has been attributed to several different people including: Katharine Hepburn, Wallis Simpson, Henry Ford II, Benjamin Disraeli, and John Wayne, but who knows where it originated?)

Never Complain.  Never Explain.

Dress You Up In My Love: Skirt Embarrassment at the Holiday Party

Dudes, enough with the argyle sweaters.  Every holiday party lately looks like an argyle explosion.  Blame the Banana Republic clearance rack.  A perfectly-tailored suit is always a nice choice.  Werk a bow tie to catch ‘em by surprise.  Steam or iron — wrinkles ain’t cute at a formal function ya’ll.Ladies, many of you will gravitate towards some variation on the ubiquitous sparkle.  I’m not placing an outright fatwa on sparkle because when used appropriately it can be a powerful way to amp an ensemble.  However, keep in mind shine accentuates.  If your body ain’t right, a full sequined look will not only add bulk, but draw attention to every lump.  Use sparkle sparingly.Select a look that errs on the side of classic and conservative.  Think Betty Draper not JWoww.  If a fleeting thought enters your head that your dress is too short, your cleavage too deep, or your pants too tight, honor that voice, and for the love of Jesus on his birthday change your fucking clothes.  Better to dress comfortably and appropriately than look like you suffer from the worst faux pas of all – poor judgment.  Also, I’m sick of this pretty princess curling iron shit.  Try a new ‘do this year.  This look is so over.