Tag Archives: patience

Finally Finished Friday

KEEP CALM AND FINISH STRONGFuck Yes!  After a long and arduous 5 weeks I am done with my condo remodel.  I learned so much from this little project about construction, building materials, Home Depot, and human nature. HOME DEPOTI promise to show you pictures, but first I want to clean it from top to bottom and arrange everything just so.  Promise me you will be kind even it if my taste is not your taste.  Would it surprise you to learn that I made some rather unorthodox choices?  My contractors thought I was smoking crack, but ultimately they had to suck my dick and admit that my odd choices actually make the place special and practical. IKEA VARDE

Thanks for your patience over the last week.  As always, I appreciate your allegiance and support. DCUNDER CONSTRUCTION

 

 

Adult Lessons from Bringing Up Bebe

BRINGING UP BEBE COVER ARTI was desperate for something to read and in a weird mood, so I downloaded Bringing Up Bébé: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting.  As you well know, I am not a parent and have a deeply instilled aversion to most children.  I didn’t even like children when I was a child, so I’m not really sure why I wanted to read a parenting book.  As I read the book, it sent me into an analysis of my own deeply flawed upbringing.  I’m no gushing francophile either, but Pamela Druckerman’s conversational and confessional writing style drew me into her world of raising little Americans in Paris.DRUCKERMAN KIDSIn reading the parenting guide, I was struck just how few adults (including moi) have learned some of the basic lessons institutionalized in the French child-rearing philosophy.  Like what you ask?  How about….CA VA1) attendre – to wait.  According to Druckerman, instead of saying “stop” French parents say “attend” or “wait.”  This practice instills a sense of patience in the child and reminds the child that the world does not stop at his or her command.  Now how many rude and self-important adults do you know who could benefit from an understanding of this very basic principle?   CHILDREN WAIT2) cadre – Druckerman refers to the cadre or framework for French parenting.  Essentially, the framework consists of strict boundaries with much freedom within those boundaries.  For instance, in France a child can enjoy cake, chocolate, or other indulgences everyday, but only at the designated snack time and in a reasonable portion.  Perhaps with a little structure to my eating times I wouldn’t be devouring Chocolove pretzel bars at 10 am.  GOUTER3) sage – The French prefer their children wise and calm.  A kid must exercise self-control as well as be able to amuse oneself.  Based on my limited observations, self-control may be the single greatest factor in crafting a successful life.  Furthermore, a grown-ass person really has no excuse for complaining of boredom.  The French understand you must make your own fucking fun.LOVE HATE BABY

10 Annoying Things Tourists Do on Vacation…

Narrate everything.  Really, you have to pee, yeah bitch we are standing in the bathroom line.  I know.  I don’t give a fuck.  Hurry up and pee then.  I don’t need a narrative of your experience in the restroom.  Furthermore, I don’t need a description of the waterfall or the valley.  Just shut up and enjoy the moment in silence. …Act like they have never stepped foot in a grocery store.  I know the Wal-Mart ain’t all that different where you are from.  Stop wandering around mystified taking up the whole fucking aisle contemplating your frozen pizza choice.  G-sus.Let their kids go buck ass wild.  Look, I know everybody is on vacation here, but I will whoop your annoying kids’ asses.   They are not cute, and I do not give a fuck.Drive like assholes.  It’s one of two things: 1) either you think because you flew in yesterday you own the place and are somehow entitled to ignore traffic laws and common decency; or 2) you are so overwhelmed by the experience you do dumbass shit like come to a DEAD STOP in the middle of the highway to look at whales surfacing off shore.  The same rules apply to walking down the sidewalk: stick to the right lane bitch.  Smoke cigarettes everywhere.  Like almost every red blooded American teenager, I used to smoke.  Then I graduated.  Are you really still fucking smoking nasty-ass cigarettes?  Not a good look.  Just so you know, you look like ignorant fucking trash standing there with your pleated shorts and a Camel dangling from your wrinkly mouth.  You are in paradise.  Put the cigarettes away.

Lose their shit.  My travel companion loves to throw his shawl around in every new hotel room.  When it is time to pack up and go, it takes about a fucking month because his shit is everywhere.  I spent at least twenty minutes listening to some dopey Canadians fret about their misplaced passports.  We all occasionally lose shit, but if you pack light and keep your possessions close and organized, a lost item is a much less likely probability.Dress like dorks.  Seriously, if I see one more unironic Hawaiian shirt paired with unironic Hawaiian print shorts, I am going to chunder.  Some tourists dress like they are trekking Everest when they hardly plan to deviate from a paved path.  I understand comfort is king when traveling, but that is no excuse to look like shit.  Don’t forget to pack your style.  Chances are these outfits will be captured on film.Complain constantly.  On the way over to Hawaii, one of the most geographically isolated land masses in the entire world, the lady next to me was wigging out because the guy in the seat in front of her reclined his chair.  This grown-ass woman (in her sixties) fussed, pushed, and kicked this poor guy’s chair until he finally reluctantly returned his seatback to the upright position.  If you want to be a raging cunt about leg room then spring for first class bitch.  Regardless, I could give a fuck about listening to your spoiled, entitled, whining for an entire pan-oceanic flight.Ask stupid fucking questions.  One summer, I ran a gondola in the mountains and people asked me the dumbest fucking questions you could ever imagine.  “Where does this go?”  It goes to heaven, asshole.  You are in a new place, no one expects you to know everything, but there is this invention called the internet which makes basic information gathering rather simple.  Do your research to avoid looking like a complete fucking moron.Get fucking wasted.  I love to party and I can throw down, but I never ever get sloppy.  My first night on Kauai, three tequila-soaked dudes got so wasted they were sloshing all around the lobby in a herd of hot mess.  One walked right into a sign and smacked his head.  One got into a loud argument with the ATM (the ATM totally won).  The third loudly slurred at me from across the lobby, “Can you get online?”  Not only is this type of behavior pathetic and unattractive, you make a target of yourself for theft, robbery, rape or worse.  Don’t leave your dignity or common sense on the mainland.

Demeter Clarc Manners Moment: supermarket weep

Last week I went to Costco on a Sunday.  As I entered the store, I heard this woman in her late sixties muttering complaints ferociously under breath.  It was too crowded. There were no carts.  She was bitching to herself out loud.  I wanted to turn to her and say, bitch it is Sunday at the Costco, what did you expect?One of my shopping companions always starts an irrational rant before we even enter the threshold of the store.  How long is this going to take?  Do you have a list?  Can we be out of here in 20 minutes?  After vigorously wiping the cart down with an anti-bacterial wipe, he death grips the cart handle and aggressively plunges forward.  Elderly, children, and pregnant women be damned.If a trip to the store is on your to do list this week, please save yourself the frustration and accept a few realities.  First, it will be crowded.  Second, certain popular items may not be in stock.  Third, it will be the most exhausting and unpleasant experience.  Whole Foods and Trader Joe’s are virtually unnavigable on a good day; rolling into a holiday weekend it’s beyond bananas.  Surviving the parking lot is an achievement.  If crowds conjure anxiety, go at an off-peak time – like an hour before closing.  Eat before so you don’t get stuck in the free sample gridlock.  Have patience.  Be Kind.  Say excuse me.  Leave plenty of time.  Don’t ram the elderly.  An enterprising SuperTarget employee will upload the security camera footage on YouTube, and then you’ll be the asshole that assaulted grandma.  It’s a cruel world.  Happy Holidays.

 

 

cOUs-CouS CoUPle DayZ

Hey ya’ll. You know how moving is; apologies for the delay.  Saving you the tedium of details, I’m in a semi-remote locale and internet service is unreliable.  I’m working tirelessly to get my shit together, and I’ll be back on schedule shortly.  Horoscopes and more on the way (MUCH more as I will be serving as a bridesmaid Friday).  Thanks again for your patience and have a marvelous day.   XOXO, DC