Tag Archives: Patsy Lemmers


MYSTERY GIRLSFor research and curiosity’s sake, I watched the first two episodes of Tori Spelling’s new scripted series Mystery Girls.  While one might think a Jennie Garth/Tori Spelling nostalgia combo platter would be comforting, in actuality it’s just depressing (not to mention poorly written).  I’m starting to think Tori Spelling lives her whole life as though it was episodic television.  Skip Mystery Girls in favor of Cabin FeverTori and Dean’s Canadian lake cabin renovation reality show filmed last year before all the cheating drama went public.  Some of the renovation ideas are cute and clever.  The kids show up, and I was so happy to see precious Patsy.  Bear witness to the last days of Tori & Dean.  Trouble finding Cabin Fever?  That’s because the reality-renovation show’s marooned on Great American Country (yeah, apparently that’s a network).  CABIN FEVERI’ve seen Obvious Child.  Twice.  I don’t want to tell you what to think about it, but I recommend you support this movie in the theater.  We need more projects like this one funded and available in wide release.  Gaby Hoffman is everything.  I need her to doula my baby.  Jenny Slate, you were on the brink of alienating us with your conspicuous, showy, enduring display of impossibly toned abs.  OBVIOUS CHILDI finally got around to watching Orange is the New Black.  (Thanks Lisa&Paul.)  Well worth your time, but I warn you binge watching that show locked me into such an incarcerated headspace.  I’m late on the bandwagon, so I won’t bother repeating how well-written, diverse, and interesting OITNB is… just get around to it if you haven’t already.OITNB


Tori & Dean: Royal Tantrums

Dean cut his hand open preparing for friends and family night at culinary school. The first week of cooking class Dean biffed his egg dish.  Next he sliced his hand open with a knife creating a wound which required 8 stitches.  Dean’s dreams of his own cooking show are going up in a puff of burned frittata smoke.  Doesn’t really matter anyway since these cooking classes still don’t justify his inclusion in the insipid couple segments the content-desperate entertainment shows insist on airing. After complimenting Stella on her good behavior last week, she had to go and blow it with an embarrassing meltdown in dance class. Despite her condition, Tori threw a Royal Wedding Slumber Party where she planned to stay up all night with her gays and staff.  Access Hollywood stopped by for a chat, and then the gang snuggled into the sofa for Kate and Will’s union.  Long live Queen Patsy!Tori lightly dozed on and off through the nuptials and capped the morning with a traditional English breakfast courtesy of Chef McDermott.  With just a wisp of sleep under her pregnant belly, she ran off to film the Fashion Police Royal Wedding Special.Tori suffered a bout of self doubt when she learned that Mel B was 2 months further along in her pregnancy than Tori yet appeared significantly smaller in the belly.In the disorganization that is the McDermott asshole Baby Farm, Tori misplaced the dance bag, and the hunt had the whole family in a late tizzy to get to the dance recital.For this week’s date night, Dean prepared a surprise meal for Tori in The Grill’s kitchen.  While in the kitchen, Dean admitted he had doubts about his commitment to a future in professional food preparation.  For a man in his mid-forties, Dean flits among interests like a college undergrad searching for a major.Tori showed off some parenting skills by working a little reverse psychology on a resistant Liam during a photo shoot for Babytalk magazine.  She obviously learned a lot about coaxing divas dealing with that demanding bitch Brian Austin Green during the BH 90210 days.  On the second shoot for Parenting magazine, Liam threw another fit over his assigned role as Charlie Chaplin, but Dean lured him in with the promise of a mustache.

Tori & Dean: got your goat

This week on Tori & Dean the focus returned to a troubled Inventori, a space Tori opened to hock her personal hoarder stash to the unsuspecting public at an exorbitant markup.  Even though neither has any experience running a retail store, they are surprised to hear from staff that the store is struggling. Tori admitted she didn’t actually have any GD clue where shop owners procure inventory for their stores.  Scout offered up an antique fair in Texas as a possibility.  Tori’s inexperience underscores her complete and total lack of basic qualifications for owning a store that purports to sell antiques.  Are these legit antiques or just a bunch of old tacky shit?  On the basis of that hideous painted armoire in the background alone, I’m inclined to say the latter.Even though the whole point of the Inventori endeavor is to clear years-worth of accumulated possessions, rather than lower the prices to actually move some of the merch, Tori decides to restock the store with less sentimental items from the Texas antique fair.  It doesn’t occur to Tori that the antique dealers at this antique fair are reselling at retail not wholesale prices, so she donned the world’s ugliest caftan and got the whole gang on board for a jaunt down south.Oh yeah, and Patsy’s back.  If you are trying to hide your pregnancy why would you invite your baby nurse for a visit?Big fucking surprise, once Tori got down to the antique extravaganza she realized that most items carried an inflated price which didn’t leave much room for profit margin upon resale, even in L.A.  The first day was a total bust.  Dean harvested some intel and found out all the good stuff gets scooped up by local early birds.  Fucking early birds.Later after stuffing dead animals covered in BBQ sauce in their pie holes, James, Scout, and Dean insisted on riding a mechanical bull.  James obviously had quite a bit more riding experience than the other two, because he’s the only one that dismounted feet not head first.The next day, the gang went on a buying spree.  Tori even leveraged her star power to score a golf cart.  Iron bed frames, wing-backed chairs, a sweet long wooden table, and several odd tables are just a few of the items Tori selected for the truck headed back to L.A.Even though the last thing the McDermott residence needs is another feces contributor, Dean brought a baby pygmy goat and baby white fluffy chicken to join the other indoor barnyard animals.  Baby animals are delightful and all, but goats and chickens in the house?  That can’t be sanitary.When the truck arrived from Texas, Tori unloaded all the new purchases and presumably took the furniture she was actually trying to sell back to expensive storage.Serving her best poor woman’s Lucille Ball, Tori rolled around in her closet pretending to wrangle with Spanx.  When the girdle bested her, she turned to an unattractive babydoll dress and rubber rain boots which did nothing to detract from pregnancy speculation.  All the fuss was over the Fabulous Beekman boys who came to town to do an in-store cross-promo moment at Inventori.  Goat soap for everyone.

Tori and Dean: Curried Donna Martin

The goat finally arrived, and I’m guessing Mr. Goat Breeder here failed to disclose just how mean and unruly Donna Martin will become when she hits her teen years.  I hope the cameras are rolling when Donna Martin chews through her first pair of Louboutins.

Liam channeled Sean Penn and assaulted a paparazzo.

Tori took “stylist” Marcel with her for her (free product placement) wedding dress shopping.  Wedding dresses are so fug; it’s a rare woman that can successfully rock a white dress.  Tori looks like shit all the time because she relies on the opinion of her gays instead of one honest woman.  Gay men have their place in the styling lexicon, but become overly reliant on their advice and your style will suffer.  A man, no matter how gay, is not a woman, and there are some things a man can never truly understand.  Keep a really honest female friend around for wedding dress shopping.

Tori and Dean flipped through photos of their original Fiji nuptials looking for inspiration for their requisite reality show vow renewal.  My vow renewal fatigue has developed into full blown exhaustion.

Patsy arrived and threatened to curry Donna Martin.

Patsy’s the only grounded influence these kids know.  It’s a shame she’s not around more often to discipline Liam’s rotten little ass.

Tori decided to spray paint old motorcycles yellow and use them as decorations at the ceremony.  She labors under the delusion she’s a master party planner, but her artsy crafty approach is more seventh grade than Seventh Avenue.

Tori relied on Marcel to procure three looks for the renewal: one for arrival, one for the ceremony, and one for the after party.  Three looks is excessive, especially when one was fug, one was mediocre, and one was not event-appropriate. Tori got her make-up did.  Note to brides, red lipstick does not usually photograph well unless it’s editorial.  Even though you may have fantasies about the perfect red lip, avoid dark lipstick on your wedding day or risk looking like Ronald McDonald in your pictures. 

Randy and Candy showed up and posed with Tori’s fug dress.

Tori’s minge came perilously close to acting as her maid of honor.

Dean and Tori emoted their vows in the vain hope a casting agent might see and offer them another Lifetime movie. Just as the ceremony began to really suffer under the weight of its own blandness, Liam dropped trou adding a little levity.

Dean sealed a kiss on his retirement portfolio as the totally disinterested audience shifted their weight from foot to foot looking for the bar.The Guncles pulled Tori and Dean aside and dropped news of a possible impending adoption.  Do I smell a spin-off?  These two do seem like they would make good parents (a fuckload better than Bori and Mean).  Mazel gentlemen.At the reception, Tori broke out her post-ceremony caftan, and Dean tried not to step on it as they danced for the cameras miming what happy couples look like.The next day, Tori revealed the new living room and the family gathered to watch a movie.  Stella aptly concluded this stank boring-ass season by busting a fart while the credits rolled.

Tori & Dean: Liam’s Third Birfday

Tori and Dean started the episode bickering over the scale of Liam’s 3rd birthday party.  Tori planned a thirty-five kid “homegrown” back yard party and rationalized the overblown affair by arguing she’d actually be saving money.  In addition to the requisite bouncy castle, there were discussions of elephants, cows, and chickens.  Tori and Liam settled on a theme: super hero.

Tori interrupted complaining to Patsy about Dean to ask Liam to get away from the dog bowls.  Liam, tells her no and persisted in admiring his reflection in the dog dish while luring Stella into his toddler rebellion.Like most of the straight men in Tori’s life, Liam totally disrespected her and continued to blatantly disobey her despite her repeated admonitions.  Grow a pair with your son too Tori.

Dean put on his spectacles to studiously prepare for his single camera comedy dream role audition while Liam pitched a dick fit at the imaginary grocery store.

Dean’s solution was to take both carts away and yell at his kids.  What the fuck did Stella do?  Let Stella have both carts and tell Liam to fuck off.

Always on the hustle, Tori auditioned for a voice over for a mattress commercial.  Pas chic Tori, pas chic.Tori indirectly called Dean fat and lectured him on the importance of keeping in shape for his craft.  The conversation ended with her ordering him out for a jog.Cut to speakerphone and a camera crew on Candy SpellingLiam invites Candy Gram to his party for Superman cake before requesting a conference with her dog Madison.

Dean took Patsy for a ride.  As a result of this episode, she’s going to get a lot of Dykes on Bikes fan mail.  Post-ride, Dean attacked Tori over the hummus carrot planters she prepared for Liam’s class.  The carrot to hummus ratio was seriously off.Dean accused Tori of showing off with her intricate sweets and trying too hard to appear “normal.” That struck a nerve, and she definitely didn’t want that insecurity offered up to camera. She returned the barb with some stank eye before retreating to PatsyDean returned later to apologize and blamed his dickery on resentment over Tori not wanting to ride his stupid fucking motorcycle.  Get over it douche, what a pussy-hurt little bitch, jeesh.

Liam served up a side order of tantrum with dinner while everyone once again pretended his stalemate with mac-n-cheese was cute.Tori complained about the paparazzi and said they made her protective of her children.  If she’s so fucking protective, why does she exploit them for her reality show?

Liam can’t resist the opportunity to pillage the village.

With all her self-proclaimed party planning prowess, it still didn’t occur to Tori that a three year old would bring an accompanying adult.  Thirty-five children + thirty-five adults + ten hangers-on = a fuckload of people.  Dean’s right, Tori’s party planning for a three year old is out of control.  At that age, three to five kids is plenty.  After all, do you remember your third birthday?

Surprise, surprise, Dean didn’t get the part.  Hand me a hanky.

Dean pulled himself together for a visit to the baby animal depot.  After selecting some weird looking fancy-ass chickens, Tori put a deposit down on a baby goat.  This unrealistic idealization of farm life will literally butt them in the ass when that goat gets a little bigger, Trust.  How long before the Hollywood hills coyotes munch those poor defenseless chickens?

Dean felt sorry for himself as Tori tried to give him a pillow pep talk.  After an awkward stab at pity sex, the two tried to get some rest before Liam’s big 0-3.

Super Douche!

Candy brought an afternoon delight.  Tori took her straight over to the food table where Candy critically surveyed the scene before the whole party was forced to endure another Jumpits performance. The Jumpits lick balls.  Get Jenni Pulos from Flipping Out to do a number next time.  She killed at Chloe’s birthday.

Liam rounded out his third birfday by finger fucking the cake.

Tori & Dean: Hands, Man.

This week, on the world’s most boring wedding planning show, Tori buried her resentment in floral arrangements and cake tasting as Brandy’s event preparation hit a fever pitch.

Brandy wanted orchids while Tori and James had other ideas.

Tori broke about every commandment of wedding planning.  She envisioned an outdoor ceremony, but didn’t consider an indoor back-up plan.

Not sure why the thought didn’t occur to them while they were mapping out the indoor space, but whatever.

With his racing career temporarily on hold, Dean tried to coax Liam into forming a band.

Liam suggested calling the band Hands.  Hands, man.

Tori channeled all her marital resentment into a pretty unremarkable flower arrangement sampling to present to Brandy.

What would Jeff Leatham say about this?

Brandy thankfully chose something tasteful and simple.

Dean delivered the results of his MRI to Tori who’s response could be characterized as mildly sympathetic at best.

Tori denied that she was pissed off, but she seethed underneath mentally tallying all the additional work his wounded paw would create for her.

Dean made some excuses and in the end Tori walked out and called him stupid. That’s my girl.

Later on, Glenn the Baker brought over some wedding cake samples.  Dean took the opportunity to bash Tori’s “famous” red velvet cake.  By the way brides, fondant’s nasty.

The little asshole finger-fucked the cake.

Finally!  Too many fucking white people in this show.

Cut that bitch Pasty, cut him.

How much of this shit is Brandy getting for free?  Neil Lane bands? Cosmetic dentistry?  Wedding gowns?  Bridesmaid dresses?  Flowers?  The locale?  I saw product placements for every single one of these items.  Guess that’s one way to subsidize your wedding.

Mehran, butt the fuck out.  Jesus Christ.

He’s the Persian, gay, male Jill Zarin.

Would you honestly trust this fucker with your wedding rings?

Tori nearly shits her pants over the florist’s failure to bring orchids.  Tori broke another wedding planning commandment by failing to put that shit in writing.  Skills for life people, draft a written detailed agreement signed by both parties.  It’s called a contract.  Look into it.

Stella and I both feel the same way about weddings.

Werk.Do we like the parental sandwich?

Tori served a little Donna Martin.


Faking it at the afterparty.

Raise the roof.

James mimics Tori’s boob job.

Tori and Dean wrapped things up in the pedicure chair waxing poetic about the future of their relationship.  You may have heard they renewed their vows last weekend and Candy Spelling was in attendance.  Tori thinks the solution to all of life’s problems is to throw a party, but all that silicone has gone to her head if she thinks a vow renewal will save her sham marriage.

Babes and Gays

Southern Californians, a little rain and they think the road is going to melt away.  All the panic was unnecessary considering they were rolling in an RV that comfortably sleeps six adults.  Episode Highlight: “I’m hauling Babes and Gays!”Patsy’s house, while plain, was in pretty good shape when they arrived. Tori and the gang only had 36 hours to do their damage, so thankfully they stuck to superficial changes.I fucking love PatsyPatsy is the Yoda of the Oxygen NetworkPatsy and Dean joked, but she knows he’s a douche.  Imagine the tell-all she could write. Too many Queens in the kitchen caused quite the strife once the redecorating commenced.  Dean launched into a personal attack against Tori in front of her friends.  Instead of telling him where to stick it, she took his shit, silently sulked, and then privately complained to Mehran. Tori routinely creates an enormous amount of unnecessary stress by doing everything last minute.  However, Dean was really too invested in the placement of this furniture. He’s been hanging out with the Guncles too long.  He also tried to get all the gays to gang up on Tori.  That’s grounds for termination.  Dean fights like a little bitch.  He and Jill Zarin should get together.In looking at the before and after, they really didn’t do that much except tchotchke the place to death.  Please don’t paint one wall in your kitchen super bright ass red, it isn’t appetizing.  Overall, I was not wowed by any of their decorating decisions, but I guess it was a nice gesture.  Maybe Pasty can put some of that shit up on EBay and recoup some of the cost of her lap band procedure?Now is a good time to underscore my message about children. Liam is a little asshole and he totally fucked up Patsy’s new couch. Tori and Dean negligently allowed him to mangle the new couch by failing to monitor him closely.  Watch your kids or put them away.

Nobody thinks the big messes your little brats make are “cute” especially when you don’t even bother to clean it up.  Back at the “McDermott Baby Farm” (fucking gross), Tori picked a limp-dick fight with Dean over “feeling disconnected.” These two have done way too much couples counseling.  Tori if you’ve got something to say, just fucking say it, you’re Donna Fucking Martin.  What the fuck is Lifetime movie-of-the-week douche Dean gonna do about it?