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January 2015 Horoscopes

Capricorn

CAPRICORNHappy Birthday Capricorn!  The New Year has you interested in wellness and self-care.  Clean up the eat-out-of-convenience diet and break a dripping sweat.  Focusing on yourself can be challenging for you Cap, but you’ll benefit greatly from some much needed attention.  The planets provide extra support to keep with routines and new habits.  Most Capricorns are financially solvent because you work hard and sparingly spend, but January brings on a craving for luxury that you just can’t ignore.  Splurge kid.  You deserve a fatty birthday treat.  Unfortch, we’ll all feel the effects of Mercury’s retrograde after the 21st, so if you want to take a trip or sign important documents get it done before the perilous backspin.  For Capricorn, Saturn forces closure in situations left undone; there’s no avoiding a few difficult conversations.

Aquarius

AQUARIUSAquarius starts off the year in conflict feeling like hitting the town and tucking into bed for a snooze.  Competing energies face-off, to which will you succumb?  Set intentions under the full moon in Aquarius on the 20th.  Then wait out the identity crisis that comes with Mercury’s retrograde scheduled to commence on the 21st.  You may feel a sudden rush to drastically alter your appearance and this would not be an appropriate time for that Aquarius.  Retrograde haircuts are not a good look.  Saturn demands a reworking of your less balanced friendships.  A few of those low-hangers could go.

Pisces

PISCESPisces enjoys spending the first few days of the year snugged in close to home nurturing family and friends.  The 4th is a great day for bold proclamations or risk-taking; luck’s in your favor.  Keep social engagements spiritually bent and constructive.  With a cluster of planets luring you into your astrological bedroom, all you really want to do is sleep.  Turn everything off and hibernate, Pisces; it’s that time of year.  If you want to catch up on sleep at your favorite seaside resort, do so before Mercury turns retrograde on the 21st.

AriesARIES

Aries confronts 2015 with confidence and security which can only come from spending time with a reliable group of friends.  Social obligations extend well past the holidays.  These gatherings offer opportunities to strengthen connections and expand your social circle.  Mercury goes retrograde the 21st, so get any contracts signed, travel completed, and upgrade technology before the backspin commences.  Use Saturn’s influence to structure your education and travel plans over the next few years.  The planet’s task-masker energy aids in achieving your long-term ambitions.

TaurusTAURUS

January’s particularly fortuitous for you Taurus, so gamble with an aim towards expansion.  If you need to get outta town for self-improvement moment, get it done before the 21st when Mercury turns retrograde.  The career momentum you picked up in December continues to build towards your long-term goals through January.  Spend time with the important men in your life especially the one with whom you have a simmering unresolved conflict.  Saturn forces Taurus to restructure shared finances.  Bulls tend to over-give, so politely demand a restoration of balance when it comes to the household expenses and chores.

Gemini

GEMINIGemini would rather ring the New Year in with a snooze than booze this year.  You are ready to let go of the pain and regrets of the past and start the year with a healing trajectory.  Relief comes in the form of a cluster of activity in your house of adventure, travel, and education.  Where do you want to go and what do you want to learn?  The status quo isn’t inspiring you to attack each day as if it were your last.  Grab life by the balls in January, Gemini.  Around January 20th, two different energies enter the scene.  Aquarius provides a blessing of luck in the face of risk, but Mercury’s retrograde can court you into a two steps forward three steps back style fox trot.

Cancer

CANCERIn January, the full moon illuminates your house of identity which gives you the added power to assert your needs, Cancer.  January presents opportunities for merging which test Cancer’s capacity for sharing.  As the money starts to flow in there are chances to commingle and invest, but a move in this direction requires you come fully clean about all your past financial messiness.  Don’t lie about money.  Mercury spins retrograde on the 21st, so get any important paperwork, transactions, or deals signed, sealed, and delivered before then to spare yourself the trials of this tricky influence.  Others, acting out of frustration, may attack you and trigger a fight.  Chalk it up to the weird energy of the retrograde and forgive easily and quickly.

Leo

LEOOh Leo, you are such a warm and welcoming spirit for the New Year.  December required a great deal from you, and January provides a great time to connect with friends and family one-on-one without all the expectations of the holidays. With regard to your lovah, it might be time to say later.  You aren’t feeling needy folks in 2015.  Devote all that extra time you have in the vacancy of your relationship to major self-improvement.  Leo benefits from professional help, especially in areas that require a great deal of self-discipline.  Get it right and get it tight, Leo, because 2015 has all the energetic ingredients for a possible engagement.  Execute in the areas of contracts, travel, and technology before Mercury turns retrograde on the 21st.

Virgo

VIRGOVirgo kicks off 2015 with ambition!  What do you want to achieve this year?  Already a professional powerhouse in your daily grind, how can you elevate above and beyond your current station?  You are capable of even more, so place no restrictions on the largess of your dreams.  Virgos feel particularly passionate, potent, and expressive the first three weeks of January.  This is an exceptional time to engage in any artistic pursuits.  Create something beautiful for someone you love.  Clear the air of any conflict on the 4th and celebrate the peace-making with a festive evening.  Your health and well-being require your attention in January.  Curb the overindulgence.

Libra

LIBRAThis January Libra’s humming Lykke Li’s There’s a Possibility.  With an optimistic spirit, you look forward to all the opportunity for adventure and new challenge in 2015.  The first three weeks make a wonderful time for hosting, domesticity, and nourishing family and friends in your home.  The 4th brings clarity to a professional situation.  Are you moving up or moving out?  Take responsibility for your own behavior and decisions.  Libra continues to keep it sexy through the first half of January.  What makes you so desirable now is your ability to express your emotions without restraint.  If you have your eye on someone, initiate now.  The 21st brings Mercury’s retrograde, so back up your phone and computer should bad tech mojo come your way.

Scorpio

SCORPIOScorpio welcomed the New Year with a round of applause from a crowd of adoring fans, but all that adulation doesn’t really quench your thirst for a meaningful and deeply connected relationship.  You require total devotion from your tribe and some shaky relationships may not survive the higher level of relationship scrutiny you roll out in 2015.  Saturn finally orbited out of Scorpio and not a moment too soon.  You’ve had enough tough life lessons in the last two years, but the challenging times taught you much in the way of self-sufficiency.  Saturn moves on to Sagittarius where it will continue to influence your career in a number of positive ways.

Sagittarius

SAGSaturn entered your sign at the end of last month, Sag, and the planet of structure and discipline has quite the agenda for you over the next few years.  There are no shortcuts.  Several planets cluster in your communication sector making you chatty, chatty, chatty.  This urge to verbally purge can work for or against you depending on your ability to self-edit.  Needless to say, there’s a risk for Sag’s thoughtless blabbing to cause serious damage to relationships.  Mercury turns retrograde on the 21st which can cause further friction in your important relationships.  Take a breath before reacting harshly.  Rely on your partner for support when frustrated.

February 2014 Horoscopes

AquariusCHRISTOPHER GUEST AND JAMIE LEE

Happy Birthday Aquarius!  The sun beams down on you from above, so you better make sure you look good!  Get right in February with a personal spruce.  Complete important communications and contracts during the first week of the month before Mercury goes retrograde the sixth through the twenty-eighth.  Rather than grandstanding during your birthday acceptance speech, turn those proclamations into appreciativeness.  As for Valentine’s Day, a full moon illuminates your house of commitment.  Engagement anyone?  Single?  This month could bring a true partner.  Post-Valentine’s Day it’s time to buckle down and get back to work.  This industriousness continues for the next month during which your main priorities are productivity and performance.  Now is an excellent time to evaluate whether everything in your life is rising up to meet you.  Take extra good care of yourself as your immunity is compromised and you are susceptible to stress and illness.  Step back and engage your expansive world view to see that all these little hassles are ultimately insignificant.

Pisces

CHRIS AND GWYNETH

Let go Pisces!   Now is the time to surrender to the intense fatigue you’re experiencing.  Hibernate and look back on the last year before your birthday celebrations commence.  Are there things left undone that you’ve been needling yourself to finish?  When you are out and about, your interactions with others won’t feel quite right.  Your first impression won’t be your best.  With Mercury in retrograde in Pisces until the twelfth, resist radical change in any department.  State any instructions clearly and succinctly even if it feels tedious, it will save you much disappointment later.  In your friendship tribe, don’t repeat anything you don’t want repeated.  If you spread gossip, you’ll be hunted down and confronted.  Others will try to shift the blame your way.

AriesVICTORIA AND DAVID

Thank goodness for Aries in February because you coax the hibernators to party.  This socializing has a side order of practicality attached since a few of these associations prove influential.  February sends Mercury back into retrograde and you know what that means: communication breakdown, technological glitches, and the resurfacing of contacts from your past.  February presents a superb opportunity to finally close the trap door to your heart’s ancient pain.  Recognize this pain as a pathological block to your evolution.  The remainder of the month requires a great deal of collaboration.  Working with others ain’t easy, Aries.  Expect the standard interpersonal drama, then add some extra hatery for a clearer picture of the anticipated group dynamic.  Stay far, far away from the meaningless squabbles.  Continue to clearly and patiently reiterate your expectations.  So you want to know about Valentine’s Day, huh?  Unattached Aries, scroll down your contacts list until a spark flies off an old friend.  Committed Aries, go ballsdeep in the romance department – spare no cliché or expense.

Taurus

VINCENT AND ALEXIS

Charged with ambition and a new moon in your career sector, February sets forth a six month strategy for achieving major milestones, Taurus.  Mercury’s retrograde makes this a miserable time for travel, technology, and clarity.  Expect conflict to arise from the confusion.  If things get heated, just withdraw and come back later when the energy is more conducive to resolution.  Use the thrust of Mercury’s backspin to – rearrange, edit, review, and reassess.  Your heart and home are lit from within this Valentine’s Day.  Stay in and nest.  Enjoy entertaining family and friends.  The last third of the month Taurus gets more interested in socializing.  Particularly adept at rounding folks up on social media, use your web reach to gather your people into one big lovefest.  Watch out for untrustworthy motivations and remain skeptical.  Stay off the booze.

Gemini

SARKOZY AND OLSEN

February is about big thinking Gemini – an expansion and broadening of your world view.  Whether it’s travel, study, business, or philanthropy, Gemini wants to stretch the boundaries of your current life.  With your ruler Mercury retrograde in Pisces, not all your energy will be forward moving, especially with regard to career.  Finish what is left undone.  Guard against saboteurs.  Minimize distractions.  Later this month, long term professional goals come into focus.  Priorities become clearer.  The last week of the month expect some relationship drama.  As your confidence grows, so does conflict.  Fights erupt over sex, money, and jealousy.  Your special someone baits you repeatedly in an effort to get you to show that you care.  You respond with emotional detachment.  Happy Valentine’s Day Gemini.

Cancer

WENDY WILLIAMS KEVIN HUNTERFebruary is the time for some serious self-work.  Some Cancers are so emotionally overloaded that you have to insulate in various (often destructive) ways from your own feelings.  Now is the time to face your emotions, stare yourself down, and finally get a handle on your internal world.  Consider this full-on permission to feel it all.  Cancer exudes sexuality this February which coincides nicely with Valentine’s Day; the uptick in clinginess and jealously, not so much.  Expect some tension with your partner when you assert your own needs.  No legitimate reason to sacrifice yourself for the sake of the relationship except you secretly enjoy the control you assert over the arrangement.  Ultimately, neither of you will benefit from such an imbalanced power dynamic.  With Mercury in retrograde in your travel house, best to just stay put unless a trip proves absolutely necessary.  This retrograde also means you might piss people off with a condescending comment, so spend more time listening than talking.  February’s flush with cash, but save instead of spend.

Leo

IMAN AND DAVID BOWIE

Lucky Leo, the stars align for love and partnership in February.  Thriving in collaboration, you generously give and thereby receive in return.  February softens your ego and need for attention allowing you to temporarily share shine with others.  Finances serve as potential conflict hotspots this month.  Shelve any non-urgent money talks.  With Mercury retrograde in Aquarius, imbalances will become apparent and a need for fairness kicks in hard.  Let everyone take the time they need without bullying them into your terms.  Plan a big, confident debut for Valentine’s Day.  After the amorous celebrations wind down, recharge at home with a cuddle on the sofa.  Lions need privacy too, especially in February.  Spend extra time in bed catching up on sleep and sipping on nourishing soups as Leo suffers compromised immunity this month.  In addition, the stress of a betrayal robs you of energy.

Virgo NATE BERKUS JEREMIAH BRENT

Ready, set, organize Virgo!  You are motivated with lists, plans, and goals this February, particularly in the areas of health and fitness.  Quiet the chaos and return to order, and start with your own body Virgo.  Mercury’s retrograde could strain relationships or cause you to overlook critical details.  Review documents thoroughly and excise unnecessary stress.  Valentine’s Day presents a make or break epiphany moment for your relationship.  In the clear light of the full moon you see once and for all whether you can make a go of it with your sweetheart.  If it is time to go, you’ll know.  Distrust permeates all your relationships this month.  Others perceive your concern as prying.  Proceed cautiously; if at all.  All this volatility can easily take you off center.  Take whatever measures necessary to get back to yourself.

Libra

JOEL AND NICOLE

This February, get creative with that legendary Libran beauty and amplify your sex appeal.  Enjoy glamorous evenings flirting, but expect of a few of those coquettish comments to land unintended.  Your intense desire for attention could spiral into drama if you don’t channel it into more constructive endeavors.  Display your creative gifts and receive the right kind of attention.  Don’t forget your friends on Valentine’s Day.  For some of you February means the conception of a baby as you are especially fertile, even if communication with your partner is somewhat strained.  You don’t need to talk to fuck.  Mercury’s retrograde means disorganization and scheduling chaos for Libra.  You may also get a little lax in your wellness maintenance.  The demands of work and home ram up against each other.  Another woman in your family hits a nerve with her comments about the way you distribute your resources and handle your personal biznass.  How will you respond to the dig?

Scorpio

PHAEDRA AND APOLLO

Cozying up at home with family feels right in February, Scorpio.  Root down in solitude and pampering self-care.  Mercury’s retrograde means this is a shitty time to travel, so even if you are dying to flee to sunnier latitudes doing so between the sixth and the twenty-eighth may mean the trip will be more stressful than relaxing.  Furthermore, since the retrograde thins your already transparent tact, spare us all your biting comments by staying home alone.  While you are there, feel free to spruce, but hold off on major makeovers.  Now is not the time.  Valentine’s Day will be more about your professional success than your personal life.  What a nice opportunity to champion your own accomplishments for once.  Towards the end of the month, you are ready to get cute and get out there again.  Do more than contemplate taking risks, actually take them.

SagittariusJULIANNE AND BART

You have much to say this February, Sag.  Make lots of little dates in your neighborhood to catch up with friends and family so you chat everybody’s ear off.  You will feel an almost compulsive need to explain yourself, but with Mercury’s retrograde your message will likely get lost in translation no matter how many times you repeat it.  More than a few squabbles could erupt in your already tense household when your mindlessness ruins something important.  Money and the division of responsibilities also become hot button issues.  Slow down and take care to avoid accidents.  Speak your truth on Valentine’s Day.  It’s time to lay your cards on the candlelit table, Sag.  The latter part of the month stay home with your favorite women and talk about your feelings.  These ladies can help you regroup from your emotional frazzle.

Capricorn

KATE AND JAMIE

Capricorn calms down in February after a flurry of fresh energy at the start of the year.  Return to work, money, and stability, which is the nest where you feel most comfortable.  Back up anything electronic, as Mercury in retrograde means lost data.  In general, February is a good time to dial back on the communication overload – put the phone down, turn the computer off, silence your television.  Potential fiscal chaos ensues this month.  Spend less and carefully review accounts.  You may receive a windfall.  Valentine’s Day brings unexpected depth of feeling and intimacy.  Did you even know that you felt this way?  Enjoy the spark.  Use your creative aptitude to express your feelings in song or art.  Towards the end of the month some interesting new folks come into your life with some fascinating stories.  Listen carefully.

Leaky Ass & Self-Head

Last night E! closed out the holiday weekend with the premiere of Kim and Kourtney Take New York.  Many tuned in to see the demise of Kris and Kim’s short-lived marriage predictably unfold.  As expected, Kris behaved childishly, and narcissistic Kim remains completely self-involved.  None of this matters though because the only thing worth discussing was the anal leakage Kourtney left behind on the duvet after her Basti (Ayurvedic herbal oil enema).   Just to be clear, oil leaked out of Kourtney’s ass through her pants and onto Kris and Kim’s bed.  Ass oil spill ya’ll.   How do you compete with anal leakage?  Bravo aired a new episode of The Real Housewives of Atlanta.  First, we’re in agreement that Peter’s a bitch, right?  He was a bitch last week to Apollo and he was a bitch this week to Cynthia’s sister MalSheree was right, Peter’s serving bitchassnesss.  Again, none of this matters because the only thing worth discussing was Phaedra’s 35th birthday gift to Kandi in the form of Ridiculous, the stripper who performs self-head.  Like dude can straight suck his own dick.  After the performance, some guests (including Kandi’s Ma) acted deeply appalled at the auto-fellatio, but during the show not a single one of those riveted bitches turned away.