Tag Archives: pharmaceuticals

pain in the ass

ASS PAINFor the last five years or more I’ve had a pain in the ass.  This is not a metaphor.  A sharp, hot, stabbing, radiating pain lives just adjacent to the left bottom rim of my sacrum.  The agony isn’t constant, but flare-ups occur more frequently when I am super active.VERTICAL SPLITSOne day I woke up and realized that I was unnecessarily coping with significant spells of discomfort.  That’s a pretty shitty way to live.  So when I was offered a free dry needling sesh, I jumped all over it.DRY NEEDLE SHOULDER

What the fuck is dry needling you ask?  Dry needlers bristle when you compare the practice to acupuncture even though the two are remarkably similar.  During dry needling, an acupuncture needle is used to penetrate directly into the myofascial trigger point.  The disruption causes the muscles to spasm, in my case wildly, which in turn kicks on the production of endogenous opioids.  Enjoyable indeed.DRY NEEDLE GLUTEMy PT Casey ran a number of diagnostic tests and determined the instability lie primarily in my left gluteus medius and piriformis.  He rolled me face down on the treatment table and prepped my ass for a needle.  He located three massive mysofascial trigger points: 2 in that rascally glute med and one in its bitchy cousin the piriformis.    DRY NEEDLING GLUTEWhen Casey inserted the needle into the first hardened muscle bunch it felt like a quick succession of a 1,000 electrocutions.  My ass cheek was twitching like a tweaker.  Face down in the massage-style treatment chair, all I could do was repeat “oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck,” over and over and again until finally he removed the needling stimulus.  The inflamed muscle responds to the needle with a million repetitive contractions and releases which begin to self-soothe the unrelenting knots.  Dry needling felt crazy – a bit like being tasered, but in just one spot.  There is something truly spooky about not having control over your own ass muscles.DRY NEEDLING BUMSince this injury has been marinating for so long, Casey admitted mine was one of the biggest glute med releases he ever witnessed, and I strangely take some sort of sadistic pride in knowing that fact (such a fucking weirdo).BIG RELEASEPredictably, I was immediately sore after the treatment, but after a couple margaritas at my post-needling happy hour, I felt no pain.  Now a day or two later, the symptoms have significantly improved (at least 62% better).  Very rarely do I see results after one treatment of anything, so experiencing such a dramatically positive outcome after the first visit converted me to dry needling.  It’s a little freaky to experience involuntary ass twitching, but dry needling is also an effective, non-pharmaceutical response to pain management.  There is absolutely no reason to live with that pain in your ass.  ENOUGH BUTT PAIN


sleep better

Some people like massages.  Some people like expensive wine.  I like sleep.  For me it is the greatest luxury, but it can be quite elusive.  Meaningful sleep at times requires coddling, so I’m always exploring options for extending my stay in dreamland. 

Set the air conditioner temperature to chilly, open a window, or turn on a fan.  A cooler room makes for more restful sleep.  Lose the pajamas.  Try linen, bamboo, or modal sheets. Cut the data connection to the bedroom.  Seriously, isn’t it enough we have to endure the constant intrusion of cell phones on the dinner table, but the bedside table too?  Most modern cell phones emit significant light and noise even when dimmed and set to vibrate.  I know many folks use their cell phones as alarm clocks.  If you enjoy undisturbed sleep with a cell phone by your head, then no problem (other than that pesky radiation), but if you are up in the middle of the night obsessively texting and checking Facebook then that explains why you are acting like a cranky asshole during the day.

Maybe it is just psychosomatic, but I swear that I feel more ready to rest after a cup of Yogi Bedtime tea.  In times of desperation, the following options never fail:  1) a doobie, 2) an orgasm.  Try getting stoned or laid or both before popping one of those crazy and dangerous sleeping pills. 




I feel like shit and I’m going to bed

Good morning muffins.  Sorry to kick off the day with a whine, but I’m so fucking sick with the flu I can barely see straight.  I don’t know if I have ever experienced body aches and pains so intensely.  Sitting hurts my ass.

Loyal readers know I’m skeptical of pharmaceuticals and even over the counter stuff freaks me out.  One of my best friends lost her thirty-something cousin to a mixture of OTC cold medicine and wine.  Never woke up.  Two young kids.  I realize this is anecdotal evidence, but considering she is dead, I’m willing to give it some weight.

So what will I do to get well?  First off, I went to bed at 9 pm last night and slept ’til I naturally woke up.  I propped my head up to help drain the congestion.  I have a really mucousy dosha. Supplements. I go back and forth with supplements because there has been quite a bit of research on their efficacy or lack of efficacy, but right now I’m desperate, so I’ll load up.  On what?  How about probiotics, cellular forte, alpha sun, and omegas?  Hopefully these immune boosters will do the trick overnight, and by the time you read this I will wake up shiny and new.   Hope you are all feeling healthy and happy today.  You know I love you the most right?  XOXO, DC

The Real L Word: My Jäger Mistake

As we know, Sajdah and Chanel share a birthday.  Saj’s friend Natasha hooked up a party house for a joint bash.  The two haven’t fucked yet, so they worked out all their pent up sexual frustration with living room lap dances.Truly living up to every lesbian cliché, Saj presented Chanel with a journal where she tearfully placed pen to page to express her intense emotions in a passage heavily peppered with the word “LOVE.”  After two weeks!A crew of Natasha’s friends rolled through and shifted the energy.  Saj wanted to split, but Natasha insisted she clean up before leaving.  Since the party was still popping off, Saj weighed the futility of the clean-up effort and tried to duck out the back with ChanelNatasha got increasingly aggressive to the point of pushing and shoving Saj.  Coke rage?  WTF?  Overreact much?Fleeing an attack, Saj snapped at Chanel for obliviously dicking around with friends outside while the drama went down inside.  With the taunts of the second-shift partygoers at their backs, Saj hustled Chanel into the car.  In her haste (and inebriation?), Saj hit a parked car while several witnesses stood around in the driveway.Frustrated and embarrassed, Saj dutifully exchanged information with the remarkably calm victim of her negligence.  No wiser for the experience, she then sped out of the driveway nearly clipping another car on the way out.On the way home, the couple engaged in their first fight.  They haven’t even fucked yet and they’re already fighting?  Tears before orgasms does not bode well.We mustn’t gloss over Claire’s self-entitled trip to Power Up.  Claire’s decided she wants to create a lesbian publication, starting with a website, focused on fashion, health, and an “upgrade your style kinda thing.”  (She’s a true master of both fashion and health; see ill-fitting all-black outfit and Parliament Lights.)When pressed by Stacy on her background, Claire admitted she had zero publishing background, no web expertise, and couldn’t write.  She received an icy reception from both women when she revealed that she had registered the MILFish domain name “dirty boudoir.”The Power Up duo recognized Claire’s total lack of resources, experience, and talent, and gently explained that her website idea wasn’t exactly novel.  To soften the blow, they offered her an internship which Claire outright rejected because she doesn’t want to be anyone’s “secretary.”Randomly, Rachel agreed to cut Bianca’s hair at the Sunset Marquis.  When Whitney returned from a smoke, she noticed Rachel was completely benzoed.  Floating on a Klonopin and cocktail cloud, Rachel didn’t even flinch when she cut herself and blood trickled down her hand.Whitney pulled Rachel aside and smacked her a few times.  Instead of sobering up, Rachel talked in a baby-voice and begged for more slaps.  Rachel was so faded she nodded out mid-conversation; her head flopping down like a bowling ball in a pillowcase.  Let this be a lesson – don’t phuck with pharmies.Whitney left Rachel sobbing, messy, and pill-popping to meet Sara.  On the way, Whitney saw Erica, Sara’s jump-off, a block from the salon where Sara works.  The coincidental geographical proximity was just too suspicious for Whitney.Once Sara hopped in the car, Whitney confronted her about the Erica sighting.  Sara unsuccessfully tried to play it off.  However, it finally crystallized to Whit that Sara lies her fucking ass off, and probably is trying to catch shine off her TV show.  Whitney dropped opportunistic Sara right off her nutsack and on to the curb.  Hopefully, this time the split is permanent.

Kacy and Cori organized a knock-em-back-before-we-knock-her-up-themed rager with some friends.  The enthusiastic drinkers downed round after round of questionably-colored shots.  Predictably, the evening ended with the sound of puke hitting bowl, and an utterance repeated in many a ladies’ room at 2:00 am, “Oh my God, that Jäger was the worst idea ever.”


Venturing out for a gathering tonight?  Remember these simple tips to keep your dignity intact this New Year’s Eve.Have a strategy for getting home or arrange a place to crash before you go out.  The last thing you want to be doing at 2:18 a.m. New Year’s Day is trying to find a cab or foolishly trusting a drunk-ass friend to drive you.  Lazy, opportunistic cops love New Year’s Eve.  The last place you want to spend the night is the drunk tank in county lockup, Trust.  Plan ahead bitches.  For the record, hoping for a one night hook-up does not constitute a legit plan.Please resist the temptation to dress like a disco ball and call it “festive.”  Tonight, expect to see a hot mess of metallic wherever you go.  Buck the obvious choice, and you’ll stand out against a sea of tired frocks.  If you already have a sparkler lined up, it better be the best shit ever.  Seriously, ill-fitting metallic looks so budget.  Regardless, wear a damn coat.  Shivering is not chic.If someone hands you a bong or a joint, puff-puff-pass.  No sleeping in the grass.  If you stumble into a room where people are doing blow, don’t inquire loudly, “Is that coke!?”  Clean up after yourself.  Don’t pee on the seat.  Share your drugs.  Take one before you take two.  If you are rolling, maintain your composure.  Nobody wants your emotional ebarf all over them.  Stay away from pharmaceuticals.  Drink water.  Eat dinner.  Sometimes puking is the best solution.  Keep a level-headed bitch in your crew.

Never be the first to arrive or the last to leave.  Don’t flirt with someone else’s date.  Absolutely no catfighting, crying, or public relationship drama allowed.  Bring cash.  Nudity will surely end up on the internet.  Keep your clothes on.Most of all loves, thanks for your visit.  Wishing you the most phenomenal and blessed year of your life.  Smooches, DC