Tag Archives: Portia de Rossi

Oscar 2014 gag/heave report

I’m gagging for…

KAREN OHate the bangs, but I enjoy the way this inky gown drapes your body Karen O. KATE HUDSONA capelet crusader, Kate Hudson in Versace Atelier. KEVIN SPACEY BURBERRYKevin Spacey in blueberry BurberryANNE HATHAWAY GUCCIHathaway defensively donned a Gucci breastplate.

i’m heaving for…

SANDY BULLOCK MCQUEEN

Wrinkled, boring, and confusing, someone explain Sandy B in this pageanty Alexander McQueen?

KELLY RIPA 2

If Orange Julius raped a praying mantis this Kelly Ripa moment would be the unholy outcome.

PORTIA DE ROSSI NAEEM KAHNSpeaking of praying mantis, Portia needs to lay off the botox for real. KELLAN LUTZ

This shitty suit doesn’t even fit.  Who let Lutz in?  Did he sneak in with a tray of hors d’oeuvres?

Sunday with Matrimony

JANUARY 2011 HOROSCOPES

Capricorn

Some mistake your decisive confidence as dismissive, but Capricorns know what they want and aren’t waiting for anyone’s permission.  This uncompromising approach tends to alienate friends, family, and potential love interests.  Nobody’s asking you to change, and you won’t anyway.  Sailing on the Sea of Independence this year, Captain Cap unapologetically steers the ship where he or she sees fit.

Aquarius

A flurry of communication will have you checking your inbox and calendar this month.  Get selective regarding how you spend your time.  Rest is essential to protect your vulnerable immune system.  Aquarian aloofness can be off-putting, so go out of your way to bring warmth to important social interactions.

Pisces

This is the year that you must deal with all your relationship baggage.  Family and friends aren’t the issue.  Look inward and do the work, because January looks favorable for romance.  Financially, the free ride is over.  Yeah, you’re thinking, what free ride?  In four months you’ll be wishing you had it as good as you do now – recognize.

Aries

Prepare to professionally pimp your way through the first third of 2011.  Aries deserve recognition after putting in major heart through a tiring 2010.  Interpersonally, a quick fuse + a serious patience shortage = a strong likelihood that your current relationship could end if you don’t put in extra effort to resolve conflict.  Little annoyances can simmer over; don’t leave the stove unattended.

Taurus

Unresolved health issues continue to remain central, but these challenges provide loved ones the opportunity to show their devotion.  Reliable, stoic, and generous Taurus, always giving, giving, giving; now is the time to receive.  You must learn to relax and practice self-care to flourish.  Cozy down and allow others to nourish you.

Gemini

Jealous haters are out to dim your shine.  Gross.  Unless you let them goad you into some petty bullshit, the whole situation will be more personally disappointing than financially devastating.  This month’s back and forth centers on discontent in your romantic relationship.  Get grateful or get out.  Save yourself and everyone else the tortuous indecision.  Slow your roll on any major purchases or investments.

Cancer

Book a vacation online, but stay the fuck off those internet dating sites.  Consider tapping into your creative or performance talents by entering a singing, art, or cooking competition.  This could also be a good time to hone a new skill.  Save your money the next four months, so you can make a job change this summer.

Leo

The light shines all over your ass this month giving you great glow.  Non-negotiable responsibilities ground an otherwise buoyant time.  The upside?  The increased workload will be profitable.  Go ahead and gamble.  An unexpected windfall could be headed your way, lucky fucking bastard.

Virgo

Mellow is the theme of the month.  Enjoy financial stability, and a consistent, if uneventful work life.  Anticipate no major conflict on the relationship front, and maybe even the possibility of a baby.  One caution, you are not detailed-oriented and sloppiness will result in harsh consequences.  No DIY accounting, investing, or legal decisions.

Libra

Clinginess is not chic, so tone it down with the over-attachment, especially calls and texts.  Fun gatherings perk up the rest of January and these events give you a chance to show off that pretty Libra face to the whole crowd.  Employ those disciplined financial planning skills to stretch through upcoming tight spots.

Scorpio

The stressful holidays have left you spent.  You must take care of yourself or you will definitely get sick this month.  Illness and fatigue compromise your ability to channel the creative energy necessary for you to reach your highest self.  Take everything you learned last year and apply it.

Sagittarius

Extreme behavior in the past has compromised your health and it will take the first two-thirds of 2011 to get back on track.  A recent career upgrade has you feeling generous.  Know the difference between a gift and a loan; this one won’t get paid back.  Your undeniable charm will help you form an important connection, possibly romantic.  Back up the hard drive; some technical problems may be on the horizon.

Portia de Rossi Gossip Part Two

So here’s the second edition of Portia de Rossi gossip from her recent eating disorder memoir, Unbearable Lightness.  When it comes to anorexia, everyone is morbidly curious about the rock-bottom weight.  At her thinnest, Portia weighed an alarming 82 pounds.  At her heaviest, she weighed 168.  For awhile she sustained herself on tuna, instant oatmeal, Mrs. Dash, Splenda, I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter spray, gum, and Parliament LightsPortia’s wake up call came in the form of osteoporosis, cirrhosis, and lupus.  Don’t worry; she’s fine now.

“Effortlessness is an attractive thing.  And it takes a lot of effort to achieve it.”

“I knew that once I had made enough money where I no longer had to worry about losing my career, I would find a girlfriend.  I needed a lot of money, however, because I had an apartment to renovate.  But after that, I would find someone to love.” “I had always been secretly in awe of anorexics with their superhuman self-restraint.  There is a neatness to it, a perfection.”

“I was half butch, half femme, neither here nor there.”

“It suddenly occurred to me that maybe people who stay thin are the people who eat whatever they want.”

Portia de Rossi Gossip Part One

Remember in American Beauty where Jane (Thora Birch) and Angela (Mena Suvari) enjoy a joint in the car after the basketball game?  Angela informs Jane, “There’s nothing worse in life than being ordinary.”  Portia de Rossi is Angela, and the fear of mediocrity has driven both her success and her eating disorder.  Here are a few tidbits not covered in that surprisingly snoozy Oprah interview.  Did you know that Portia’s husband (Mel) left her for her brother’s wife (Renee)?  Juicy, right?   I’ll give that one a moment to sink in. We all know that Amanda Rogers changed her name to Portia de Rossi when she was 15, though I’d never heard the whole back story until reading Unbearable Lightness.  Underage Amanda was at a club when the manager took her upstairs to give her herpes an all-access medallion awarded to VIP’s.  When asked her name, she decided Amanda Rogers was way too average, so she pulled a Keyser Söze and renamed herself Portia de Rossi.  “Portia” she lifted from The Merchant of Venice, and “de Rossi” was plucked from a string of credits rolling by at the end of a movie.Read into this what you will; Portia on her first unrequited love: “If I was successful, I could win her, seduce her with money and power just as Martina Navratilova and Melissa Etheridge had won their previously heterosexual girlfriends.  By their actions, these powerful, famous lesbians told the world that straight women were more desirable than gay ones and if you were rich and powerful enough, you could snag one of your own.”