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As those of us with a pulse know, last night the Met Gala threw down in NYC. The ball celebrated the opening of the exhibit Schiaparelli and Prada: Impossible Conversations at the Costume Institute. Let’s have a conversation about the fucking weird ass choices some of these bitches made last night. It is hard to know where to start, so let’s start with some one who should know better. Rachel Zoe looks like a fringed push pop in this ridiculous-on-her frock. Zoe styled Karolina Kurkova (where you been girl?) in a gown from her eponymous line. The dress appears to have been heavily influenced by the Armani gown Zoe dressed Anne Hathaway in for the Oscars not too long ago – that Zoe, always full of fresh ideas.Beyoncé loves that stupid ass pose. Who the fuck stands like that in real life? The way she stiffly palms her outer thighs is so forced and unnatural. Do we need to talk about this Givenchy Couture? I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, it seems to me that Givenchy cares more about appearing on the red carpet than maintaining a high standard of brand integrity. By my totally unscientific estimation, about one in ten times Givenchy gets it right with their red carpet loaners. Sorry B, this is definitely not one of those times. I hate almost every single thing about this dress. It took some nutz for Christina Ricci to rock this odd Thakoon number. It isn’t perfect, but it is courageous. Is she going through another praying mantis phase or is it just a pre-Met crash diet?If Laura Ashley and a flora chintz sofa made a bastard love child, this Valentino blanket that SJP is wearing would be the unholy spawn. Jessica Paré wore the shit out of this L’Wren Scott gold cap sleeve. No dummy, our little Megan obviously plans to squeeze every last drop of exposure from her Mad Men supporting role. Good for her, this was one of the better ensembles of the evening. From one Mrs. Draper to another, January Jones typically pushes boundaries, at times at the expense of flattery. The more I look at this sculpted Versace, the less it offends me. Yeah, the peplum has been overdone this season, and yeah yellow and black tends to evoke bumble bee, but I think this is a bold and interesting post-baby choice. She’s done worse. Lately, Emma Stone has made me forget why I like her. The color, shape, texture, and timing of this Lanvin cocktail frock is all wrong for this season and this event. Did she get lost on her way to homecoming?Carey Mulligan co-hosted the event and wore this shield to protect her soul from the despotic clutches of Anna Wintour. Paltrow predictably in Prada presenting a pinch of side boob. Have we reached a consensus on whether she conservatively augmented her tatas after Moses? If she’s going to continue to push those absurd Tracy Anderson workouts then she might want to actually wear something that celebrates her hard-fought body. Unfinished is the word I would use to describe this look.Is Cameron just straight up old now or what? Squint – is this Sharon Stone or Cameron Diaz? Stella McCartney provided the matronly gown. Stella McCartney is just mean with some of the ugly ass shit she makes her friends wear, damn.Claire Danes evoked a little Betty Draper from the neck up, which was a welcome departure from her minimalist tendency. J Mendel conceived of the ill-fitting garment. The cut accentuates her tiny top and then betrays her by creating the illusion of a big bottom. Face it, she’s serving sleeveless bathrobe. First, why are these two getting married? I dislike them each individually more when they are together. Biel looks like she hemmed that dress with two-sided tape 5 minutes before she strode onto the carpet. We all know very well that Jessica Biel couldn’t dress herself if she were locked in a Chanel store. When it comes to Biel, the expectations are very low. Yet she still repeatedly fails to meet them. Much like Justin Timberlake’s acting career. Dunst looks pissed. I’d be pissed to if I wore that random shit to the fashion event of the year. I hate this evening suit almost as much as I hate that overrated Melancholia.Hey Flo! I truly appreciate your willingness to go balls to the wall. At Coachella, you served me desert couture and I’m grateful for it. However, you are not Lady Gaga. This fussy layered McQueen is an overreach that reads more costume than gala. Prabal Gurung is a pimp. That’s called swagger bitches. Recognize. One of the best dressed of the evening – Marion Cotillard in head to toe Dior. Don’t usually love a sheer bottom, but this dress photographs and fits beautifully. J’adore. We saw quite a few subtle variations on a very similar look; here Rihanna does the long-sleeved reflective column in black Tom Ford. Snooze. Scarjo no! This embellished, pink, antiquated Dolce & Gabbana mess had no bizness at the Met Gala. I need more modernity from you Scarlett! You are not a little girl anymore; evolve past this princessy shit. Bad Grandma! Bad, bad Grandma! We told you not to leave Shady Pines without a nurse’s aid. Oh wait, that’s just Mary Kate at the Met Gala. Jessica Alba improved over last year, but she should have worn this dress then when this Michael Kors metallic lamé might have felt fresh. Did Brad Goreski style her again this year?The unofficial perennial Prom King and Queen of the Met Ball, Gisele and Tom stuck to boring black this year. Is it me or does that photo reveal a bit of tension between the power couple?
Hey Kanye, Anna wouldn’t let you bring Kim?
Rachel Zoe’s annual Coachella recommendation list came out a couple days ago. I actually wanted to post on this yesterday, but would it surprise you to learn the link wasn’t working? Get it together Team Zoe. Some of her choices are decent and others downright daft. Let’s discuss. I saw these Loeffler Randal sandals on Shopbop and thought to myself, “those look like something Rachel Zoe would recommend for Coachella.” The $175 pair are ugly-cute, but in reality I don’t think these are going to work on most feet. By the way, the worst idea ever is wearing a brand new pair of shoes to a show. For heaven’s sake, break those babies in before you stand outside in a field all day. Comfort is queen at Coachella. Who rushed right out to order this $450 Paul & Joe fringed poncho? I love a good poncho, but this get-up looks hot and impractical for a day in the sun. For evening, perhaps, but this print is truly heinous. Furthermore, no man will find this fug sack attractive. I know some of you are hoping to make a Coachella Chlamydia connection. We discussed the short-shorts at Coachella before and of course Zoe had to go and encourage the trite trend. Look, I understand that you’re dying to wear your perfectly destroyed cut-offs. Feel free, as long as you have no visible cellulite and you keep your cooter covered. No cottage cheese at Coachella. I’m not being anti-fat, but child you know dairy turns in the sun. Really Rachel? These Top Shop boots make no sense for Coachella. Actually, the steel toe might come in handy for negotiating the port-o-potty line. I’m seriously racking my brain for one outfit that might work with these awkward booties. Kevin Murphy created Color Bug for those who want bold, non-committal, one-day color. Rub the color on for an ombré effect à la Abbey Lee. Working a style like this in the confined environment of an editorial makes it look so easy. Try this at Coachella and you’ll be wearing temporary color all over your Paul & Joe fringed tunic.
Cougar Town returned, but felt like a foregone canceled conclusion. Did you catch Courteney Cox on The View with Josh Hopkins earlier this week? She limply pimped Cougar Town’s return with the type of enthusiasm reserved for a funeral procession. Poor optimistic Josh carried on charming Grandma Walters and her wicked chickens as if it mattered.
Attended the home and garden show this week. What do we think of this stuff? It is made of 85% recycled glass, concrete, and some other binding agents. It is sold under a variety of different brand names as an eco-alternative to marble and granite. It is very durable, doesn’t off-gas, and is relatively low maintenance. It is quite pricey though at around $100 a square foot installed.In a reality rewind, I’m getting ready to have laser corrected vision surgery which got me in the mood to watch Jessica and Nick on the Newlyweds. Remember the episode when Jessica and Casey get Lasik and then hit Red Robin? Anyway, I’m watching season 1 and low and behold if the self-anointed Queen of Style Rachel Zoe isn’t a lowly wardrobe assistant rushing over to blanket a whining Jessica Simpson in a plush bath robe between takes. Best retro background sighting of the week. In the same season background scenery, catch an even-leathery-back-then Robin Antin and Mikey Minden as a curly-tressed neophyte choreographer.
Carlos MieleAnthony VaccarelloMarc by Marc JacobsWes GordonLuca LucaDiane von FurstenbergHakaanBasso & BrookeEmanuel UngaroRachel ZoeRebecca TaylorLuisa BeccariaL.A.M.B.Kenzo
I apologize. I watched the last two episodes several times and tried to muster any enthusiasm for this trite, tired-ass show, but I just can’t care.Don’t give a fuck about the self-created moving drama. The world might literally end if Rachel and Rodger have to spend an extra night in the lap of luxury at the Montage. Boofuckinghoo. Don’t give a fuck about what Anne Hathaway wore 8 months ago at the dullest Oscars ever. Everything else is pretty much Zoe pimping Zoe. Extra don’t give a fuck about watching femmy Rodger and his cheesy friends toast to a “masculine” child. If you want a masculine child, don’t name him “Skyler.”Whereas in previous seasons Joey was sprinkled into episodes like a rare Lebanese spice, now the annoying fame-whore sucks the energy out of every scene. He’s making me hate him. Zoe’s whole limp dick team this season is so boring, whiny, and kiss-ass.Zoe is obviously exercising her EP muscle and editing out all the real drama because there have to be legit reasons why she can’t seem to keep a stylist for any length of time. For most staffers, there is an awfully short shelf life at Team Zoe. Nobody seems to leave on good terms, though the details of the departures are always nebulous.Mostly, I’m just super uninspired by her right now. I’m over her derivative style and shallow, needy banter with her hired gay. She’s obviously exhausted this season, and she’s worn me out too.
Rodger took Jeremiah to the 7,000 square foot rental that Zoe insisted on leasing in anticipation of the baby’s arrival. This decision makes no sense on a variety of levels. For one, why spend oodles on furniture for a rental? Second, what newborn needs 7,000 square feet? Don’t newborns basically inhabit one foot of space surrounding their mother or father for the first several months of their lives? Not to mention stylistically the house is totally unlike anything Rachel and Rodger have dwelled in previously. All these considerations notwithstanding, in typical Team Zoe fashion, Rodger gave Jeremiah a two week deadline to complete the daunting assignment. Jeremiah looked like he might pop a vessel when Rodger declared that completing the project on the super accelerated time line was his problem.
Rachel got a last minute call to style a shoot for Kim Kardashian. Realizing the enormity of the ass she needed to cover, Rachel called Joey and Jeremiah for an emergency meeting at Zoe headquarters. Joey received the call from dispatch and gave Jeremiah all of ten minutes to wipe the sleep out of his eyes and sculpt his Robert Pattinson ‘do before showing up at his door with an impatient toe tap. The two rushed over to Zoe’s office curious to learn of their latest assignment.When they arrived, Zoe informed them that the world’s most overexposed and under-talented celebuwhore would require a minimum of two looks to shoot her perfume commercial the following day. The competitive bitchery started brewing between the queens as soon as the Kardashian assignment was handed down from above. They rushed off to Bismarck to collect every red gown and Brian Atwood shoe in the showroom. Once at BPCM, Joey and Jeremiah bickered over their approaches to pulling items for the shoot. Joey stuck with Rachel’s mantra of “more is more,” and Jeremiah thought it wiser to streamline the selections. After the pull, J+J called Zoe, and she informed them that only one could attend the shoot tomorrow. It was no surprise when she selected her favorite sycophantic gay Joey to attend in lieu of Jeremiah. She sure has a way a pitting her staff against one another. It’s no wonder she goes through employees like she does her Cosabella thongs.
The next day at the shoot, Zoe kissed Kardashian’s gargantuan money-maker before dressing her in two of the most uncreative looks ever. First, Zoe put together a clichéd men’s button-down with boy shorts and a lace bra ensemble. Even though this interpretation has been around as long as the white button-down, Rachel described the outfit as if it were a work of creative genius, and as if she had copyrighted that shit. Rachel dressed Kardashian in an equally uninspired look for the second round of photos. Joey greased Kim and slid her into a red stretch satin Dolce & Gabbana gown. The obvious selection read more sausage casing than sexy. A body-con red gown for Valentine’s Day? This bitch gets paid for this unoriginal shit? What a weak-ass lazy effort yo.
Rachel arrived in New York and fussed with the final touches to the collection. Jessica Iredale from Women’s Wear Daily arrived for a private preview. Zoe described the collection to Iredale and not-so-subtly dropped the sex of her unborn child in the mix. Interesting PR strategy.Overall, the color in the collection is off. The camel isn’t quite right. The gold buttons are a bit too garish. It does feel very Studio 54 Halston-y and therefore true to Rachel’s aesthetic. The larger problem is that her viewpoint is predictable and one-note.We all agree that creatively Zoe isn’t in the same stratosphere as Alexander Wang, right? Put it this way – you’ve got $400 bucks are you gonna buy Wang, or are you going to buy the Rachel Zoe Collection? Ask Lauren fucking Conrad.
Zoe themed with clichés like “the Parisian Girl” and “the London Girl” and “the Uptown Chic Girl.” The buyers and editors humored her. Nobody’s gonna to tell a pregnant woman her debut collection sucks, even in this cut-throat fashist crowd.The lemming buyers must have liked what they saw because more than one high-end department store scooped up the collection. A QVC sell-through is one thing, but can Rachel attract a high-end shopper? In Zoe’s case, what she lacks in design talent she overcompensates for in reality show exposure. We’ll see how the collection sells with its well-timed commercial release.
We met up with Zoe who is 6 months pregnant but barely showing. She apparently sustained her unborn child on Pellegrino and cranberry juice alone in an effort to maintain her sample size figure through her last trimester.Since we last saw her, Rachel’s expanded and divided her team into four divisions: RZ digital, styling, archive and design, and product development. Mandana’s the new VP of Rachel Zoe, Inc. Like most of the RZ staff, Mandana’s underqualified for her position, but she aesthetically fulfills a role in Rachel’s editorial vision for the office. An awkward kiss-ass, she literally lowered down to hug Rachel’s “peanut.” Don’t ever. There’s always a last minute push at RZ. Preparations for the launch of her first collection bogged down the office on this particular day. Zoe invited editors, buyers, and other important fashion folk to view the collection before the rush of fashion week. Since Rachel can’t seem to keep a stylist for more than a year, she and Rodger conducted interviews to fill a nebulous position which basically boiled down to gay sidekick. Jeremiah came at Mandana’s recommendation and is equally unqualified. It is fair to question the eye of someone who would wear that outfit to an interview at Rachel Zoe. Although Jeremiah lacked credentials and experience, Rachel predictably adored him and couldn’t wait to add him to the team, despite Rodger’s well-founded hesitation. During Jeremiah’s second interview, Rachel was wooed by his (not that clever) one-liners and hired him on the spot. In anticipation of his growing family, devoted wife Rodger went house hunting with Zoe’s personal assistant Marisa. A very slick LA-ish real estate agent showed the two a vacant $20,000 a month, 7,000 square foot behemoth. Rodger worried about furnishing the massive mansion and asked Marisa not to tell Rachel anything about the unattractive rental. Later on, Marisa showed Rachel photos of the place and Zoe got a “witch vibe” and obsessed over renting the dated monstrosity.Working a tired Twilight look, Jeremiah showed up for his first day and didn’t even know how to use the steamer. When Rachel showed up a short while later, she was pleased with the samples of her new collection. Just as the episode closed, Jordan the fit model (as opposed to Jordan the stylist) arrived to display the line. Want more RZ Collection coverage? Demeter Clarc included a few different seasons of Rachel Zoe’s offerings earlier this year, use the search feature below to catch up.
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