Tag Archives: Rachel

The Real L Word: JUICY

Rachel finally cornered Whitney (and the camera crew) in the guest bathroom at a pool party.  With very little solicitation on Rachel’s part, Whitney bent her over the sink and turned her out unbeknownst to the sunbathers just outside.Kacy and Cori visited the fertility specialist who advised baby vessel Cori to kick cigarettes for maximum fertility.  Cori hired a Mark Harmonesque hypnotist named Bruce to cure her of her addiction.  Immediately after Bruce broke the induced trance, Cori felt the treatment worked.Apparently, the spell’s magic only had a shelf life of about 6 hours, because later that evening Cori was crawling out of her skin with a raging nic fit.  Thinking an electric cigarette might ease her suffering, Cori made Kacy drive her from gas station to corner store on the hunt for the elusive device.  In the process of hitting up store after store, Cori left her phone behind, and completely lost her shit when she discovered it had gone missing.Several castmembers ended up at the same girlparty PYT.  Everyone seemed to enjoy mellow fun until one of Whitney’s wasted friends Chas started calling Claire a “deb” from New York.  A debutante burn?  No, apparently “deb” for “Debbie Downer” was the stated explanation, but that doesn’t really make much sense, right?  Was Chas implying it was desperate to relocate from New York to catch shine off a lezzie reality show?  Is Chas bitter she didn’t make The Real L Word cut?  For the most part this show prefers its lesbians of the lipstick or soft butch variety, and Chas is Dan Connor-flavored.

Romi’s friend Drew is a 12-stepper and is easing Romi into the recovery scene.  With Romi abstaining and Kelsey boozing, the two constantly clash and even discussed parting ways.  At 23, Kelsey’s still naïve enough to think this is a lasting arrangement.  In a last ditch effort to salvage the relationship, Kelsey pronounced that she too will quit the bottle.  Quite sure she can’t make it at a club without a drink, she phoned Romi’s sober buddy Drew to take her to AA.  Romi reacted selfishly to the news that Kelsey and Drew spent the evening cuddled in bed watching movies and threw a childish fit. Drew did drop this little nugget of wisdom, “If you have one foot in the past and one foot in the future, you’ll piss all over today.”  Could someone please embroider that on a pillow for me stat?Trading on her new-found recognition among the Lesbian community, professional pussy party pusher Whitney hosted her own girlparty Juicy (grossy).  Whitney and HBICs at The Real L Word deserve a little credit; many shows (eehhemm Hills) don’t want stars to acknowledge the reality of how fame affects their lives after the first season airs.  At least Whitney straight up acknowledges (with a hint of embarrassment) that she’s more or less succumbed to milking her F-list celebrity status.

The Real L Word: My Jäger Mistake

As we know, Sajdah and Chanel share a birthday.  Saj’s friend Natasha hooked up a party house for a joint bash.  The two haven’t fucked yet, so they worked out all their pent up sexual frustration with living room lap dances.Truly living up to every lesbian cliché, Saj presented Chanel with a journal where she tearfully placed pen to page to express her intense emotions in a passage heavily peppered with the word “LOVE.”  After two weeks!A crew of Natasha’s friends rolled through and shifted the energy.  Saj wanted to split, but Natasha insisted she clean up before leaving.  Since the party was still popping off, Saj weighed the futility of the clean-up effort and tried to duck out the back with ChanelNatasha got increasingly aggressive to the point of pushing and shoving Saj.  Coke rage?  WTF?  Overreact much?Fleeing an attack, Saj snapped at Chanel for obliviously dicking around with friends outside while the drama went down inside.  With the taunts of the second-shift partygoers at their backs, Saj hustled Chanel into the car.  In her haste (and inebriation?), Saj hit a parked car while several witnesses stood around in the driveway.Frustrated and embarrassed, Saj dutifully exchanged information with the remarkably calm victim of her negligence.  No wiser for the experience, she then sped out of the driveway nearly clipping another car on the way out.On the way home, the couple engaged in their first fight.  They haven’t even fucked yet and they’re already fighting?  Tears before orgasms does not bode well.We mustn’t gloss over Claire’s self-entitled trip to Power Up.  Claire’s decided she wants to create a lesbian publication, starting with a website, focused on fashion, health, and an “upgrade your style kinda thing.”  (She’s a true master of both fashion and health; see ill-fitting all-black outfit and Parliament Lights.)When pressed by Stacy on her background, Claire admitted she had zero publishing background, no web expertise, and couldn’t write.  She received an icy reception from both women when she revealed that she had registered the MILFish domain name “dirty boudoir.”The Power Up duo recognized Claire’s total lack of resources, experience, and talent, and gently explained that her website idea wasn’t exactly novel.  To soften the blow, they offered her an internship which Claire outright rejected because she doesn’t want to be anyone’s “secretary.”Randomly, Rachel agreed to cut Bianca’s hair at the Sunset Marquis.  When Whitney returned from a smoke, she noticed Rachel was completely benzoed.  Floating on a Klonopin and cocktail cloud, Rachel didn’t even flinch when she cut herself and blood trickled down her hand.Whitney pulled Rachel aside and smacked her a few times.  Instead of sobering up, Rachel talked in a baby-voice and begged for more slaps.  Rachel was so faded she nodded out mid-conversation; her head flopping down like a bowling ball in a pillowcase.  Let this be a lesson – don’t phuck with pharmies.Whitney left Rachel sobbing, messy, and pill-popping to meet Sara.  On the way, Whitney saw Erica, Sara’s jump-off, a block from the salon where Sara works.  The coincidental geographical proximity was just too suspicious for Whitney.Once Sara hopped in the car, Whitney confronted her about the Erica sighting.  Sara unsuccessfully tried to play it off.  However, it finally crystallized to Whit that Sara lies her fucking ass off, and probably is trying to catch shine off her TV show.  Whitney dropped opportunistic Sara right off her nutsack and on to the curb.  Hopefully, this time the split is permanent.

Kacy and Cori organized a knock-em-back-before-we-knock-her-up-themed rager with some friends.  The enthusiastic drinkers downed round after round of questionably-colored shots.  Predictably, the evening ended with the sound of puke hitting bowl, and an utterance repeated in many a ladies’ room at 2:00 am, “Oh my God, that Jäger was the worst idea ever.”

The Real L Word: Smell My Hair

Kacy and Cori dropped $1,920 for three vials of jizz.  Don’t guys make like $100 a donation?  That’s some mark-up.  The couple paid extra for a donor who was open to being contacted when his offspring reach 18.  They celebrated with friends, family, and pizza at an informal sperm party at their home.

Whenever LA gets too thick with the stench of familiar poon, Whitney flees to San Francisco to revisit previous delicacies.  (This time thankfully she upgraded to a larger and nicer hotel room – no offense Phoenix.)  Former dish Jaq conveniently bumped into Whitney at Lexington, an SF institution.  Their fling ended the previous summer when Jaq changed her FB status to “in a relationship,” a setting that acts as Whitney repellent.Later, Whitney hosted a party at Trigger where she soaked up all the fan-love from season one.  She worked the room and provided photo ops for the star-struck crowd. The thing I don’t understand is like girls always want to smell my hair.  You know they’ll like come up and like sneak a sniff, and it’s like, I mean you can, but I don’t know if I should hand it to ‘em or what?  But one thing I’ve made sure of is that this shit always smells on point.”Alyssa and Rachel surprised Whitney in SF.  Rachel created an awkward situation when she assumed that she would be crashing in Whitney’s hotel room.  When Jaq showed up and smooched Whitney hello right in front of Rachel, it proved that regardless of geography, with Whitney, it’s never a drama-free weekend.Sajdah and Chanel sat down for their first official date.  Sajdah laid it on thick with lines like, “What I feel now?  I ain’t even know to desire before.  Like seriously like it’s more than I even knew to want.”  She then slid a note across the table old-school style and asked Chanel to check yes or no if she’d be her girlfriend.  She gifted Chanel a necklace and sealed the deal with a kiss.  Start loading the U-Haul.

Romi threw a dinner party and realized she didn’t know how to have fun without alcohol as a social lubricant.  After the meal, the group headed to the club where Kelsey got loaded and Romi got judgmental.  On the way home in the cab Kelsey complained about how the two never have sex.  Then she started crying over the fuck shortage and collapsed in Romi’s lap.Kelsey finally wore her down with tearful begging, and Romi relented and pity-fucked her.  Dudish Kelsey hilariously grunted “shit” after a particularly satisfying orgasm and closed the every-which-way reciprocal fucksesh by ejaculating.  Literally.

The Real L Word: A Slap in the Vadge

After their late night visit to the pussy diner, Sara and Whitney woke up and enjoyed some leftovers before heading to the dog park.  Because the L.A. lesbian geographical scope is rather limited, Rachel spotted Whitney and Sara at the local canine hotspot.  Rather than spook the two post-coital lovers, Rachel & Company slithered away unnoticed.The Real L Word’s voice of reason Alyssa confronted Whitney on seeing Sara on the low.  The most interesting trinket of information gleaned from the exchange is that Sara’s tits are fake!  I must be losing my eye, because I didn’t spot the rather conservative enhancement at first.  Did you?

Gold Star Rachel, slapped in the vadge by Whitney’s disinterest, curled up with her laptop, a vibrator, and some blow job porn to rub one out for the cameras.  She admits she leans toward the girl on guy oral stuff because the girls “look like they’re whores.”After her kitty petting sesh, Rachel wisely took an indirect approach to dismantling Sara and Whitney’s relationship.  She sat down with Alyssa and revealed that Sara has been rekindling with her significant long-term ex Hana and tried to hustle a job at an NYC salon.  Rachel played out the scenario with mastery, confident that Alyssa would run to Whitney and tattle on SaraRachel sat by innocently with all the proof conveniently saved on her cell phone.Sajdah’s straight friend Marissa arrived for an L.A. visit.  A glowing Sajdah drifted through the conversation in a muffin haze describing her lusty obsession with new lady Chanel.

Later, the three met up to march in the MLK parade.  After the march, Sajdah and Chanel shared their first kiss.  Totally love-struck, who can hate?  These two are super cute.Kacy and Cori are still on the sperm hunt after their first-choice candidate declined by text.  At first, both were wedded to the idea of knowing the donor, and so they approached good friends and gay couple Olivier & Paulo who also politely demurred.  Drawing closer to Cori’s ovulation date, the two agreed to pursue anonymous donors over the internet.  They paid $200 to access donor profiles and found several candidates they saved to their favorites.

This week finds Claire and Francine struggling to establish their respective roles in the 2.0 version of their relationship.  The vibe started off fun and upbeat, but was soon soured by oversensitivity and bickering.

Romi and Kelsey had a tense and uncomfortable dinner with Romi’s change-of-life-lesbian Mom.  The two aired their dirty relationship laundry over Sake, and reaffirmed what we all know: that this shit is DOOMED.  We also learned Romi is 29!?, bi-polar, and an alcoholic.The following evening when Romi returned from work, she sent Kelsey out to the liquor store so the two could pre-game before a night on the town.  This is only relevant because it was very amusing that as Kelsey walked out we got a glimpse of the camera crew sitting on the floor outside the apartment in the hallway.  Very profesh editing Real L Word. All the ladies of various factions coalesced at girlparty Haute for beats and booze.  Even though the community is small, a few members of the cast were introduced for the first time.  Buzzed, Romi and Rachel obsequiously flirted and eventually smooched right in front of Kelsey. Whitney took her liquid courage and confronted Sara about Hana and her backdoor dealing.  Claire got all sanctimonious about the drama in the club and split.  Don’t worry Claire, your time for scene-making shouting matches will come before the season closes.Belligerently drunk by the end of the evening, Romi and Kelsey spent several minutes trying to arrange a cab while simultaneously fighting about Romi’s unmitigated make-out moment with Rachel.  The next morning, Romi feigned blackout amnesia to skirt responsibility for her drunk, slutty behavior the night before.  Kelsey seemed to buy Romi’s excuse, but she’s the only one. Dumbass Claire ruined a successful evening with Francine by rushing home to Skype with Vivian in NYC.  Understandably pissed off by Claire’s contradictory behavior, Francine nursed her her own stinging slap in the vadge.