Bravo wrung every last drop out of this season of the RHNY, finally putting it to rest by airing unseen clips repackaged as “lost footage.”
Sonja accompanied Ramona to get her sweat glands eradicated by ultrasound. Note the Tru Renewal in the waiting room, even Dr. Giese is on the payroll. 
Sonja turned gray as Dr. Giese jabbed a metal rod in and out of Ramona’s armpit. Sonja compared the scene to a veal chop, and Ramona replied that she was getting hungry. The staff brought Sonja a juice box to help her through the trauma of witnessing the gruesome procedure. 
The nausea continued to build as we followed Jill and Bobby into Chopard. Jill fixated on a rose gold 1.79 diamond carat watch (conservatively $25-30,000.00) whining like Veruca Salt that “she waaaanted it!” Hoping to extend her good fortune, she requested the salesmen bring over a necklace too! When the salivating salesmen brought over a 10 carat flawless diamond ring priced at $3.7 million, Bobby started to turn as gray as Sonja did during Ramona’s surgery. Jill declared she always gets screwed because her birthday, the holidays, and their anniversary come one after another and she gets “combined gifts.” Yeah, combined gifts worth over $30,000!
Sonja apparently got her liposuction, and Kelly stopped by to see her in her post-operative convalescence. Kelly brought Sonja a “cleanse” to inspire her to take better (non-surgical) care of herself. Kelly then got all sanctimonious and said, “I want you to tell your daughter that you were too lazy to work out and got liposuction.” Preach Kelly! P.S. if you want to see some sloppy-ass editing watch this scene again, the cleanse is on the bed in a shot before Kelly gives it to Sonja. This shit is totally The Hills, cougar-style.
Kelly and Ramona worked out together in St. John. Kelly kept the elliptical on level three as she talked Ramona’s ear off. Ramona ignored her while she tried to concentrate on her five lbs shoulder presses. Kelly, a genetic freak at six feet tall, has no idea of what it takes to maintain a real woman’s body. Nice forearm plank Ramona, werk!
Sonja, Jen, Alex, and Simon gathered in Times Square for the reveal of Bethenny’s I’d Rather Go Naked campaign. Whatever. PETA is so super fucking hypocritical I can’t even get started, but that’s a discush for another day. 
Bethenny annoyingly mugged for the cameras as Sonja confessed her jealousy by admitting she wished she was up there. Sonja’s honesty is so unusual and refreshing, no?
Most of the girls showed for Ramona’s birthday party at the Chat Noir. Kelly and Jill took it upon themselves to rearrange the place cards. Ramona lost her shit because it was a rude and presumptuous move. That said, can we just sit where we want to sit please? Enough with the control-freak seating chart shit – it’s so antiquated.
We wrapped at the Reunion where we learned the Countess has a record deal, Kelly’s working on some top-secret shit, Jill got a hobby – a bedding line, Sonja’s returning to her relaxed lifestyle, Silex is working a summer book tour, Ramona’s enjoying her renewal, and Bethenny declared now it’s all about Bryn and Jason. I think this is the last time we will see this incarnation of the ladies together. Adieu materialistic shrews, we will miss you. 
Off the bat we got a juicy bit of gossip regarding the St. John trip. Apparently, Kelly was asked to leave and was escorted home by a producer back to the mainland. Kelly got bounced from Scary Island ya’ll. 
Kelly returned from her self-imposed time out and continued to play the victim card. In a never ending tautology, Sonja, Ramona, and Bethenny denied picking on her, and Kelly continued to accuse them of bullying. Ramona yelled at her like she was deaf, “NO ONE WAS MEAN TO YOU!” However, no amount of reasoning, yelling, or gesticulation appeared to sway the perpetual hair twirler’s perspective.
Ramona yelled at Jill for not apologizing upon arrival and got a little showy with her charade skills in the process. 
Sonja commented that while they did throw out a friend, it was rude for Jill to show up unannounced. It is rude to show up without calling, but when a guest arrives you really need to make the best of it. As Kelly would say, make lemons out of lemonade. 
Countess LuAnn proved elegance is learned when she spoke frankly about the challenges of the last couple years. She refused to directly comment on the infidelity rumors, but I don’t think we care if she boinked behind the Count’s back. The smug, anti-Semitic prick probably deserved it. Please note, however, no matter how intense things get, the Countess NEVER cries. That bitch has one stiff upper lip. 
Kelly Bensimon reminds us why models really should keep their pie holes shut. Kelly, as a model, peaked eons ago, but that was her contribution. That’s really all she has to give, so you really shouldn’t be surprised she’s a moron. When Andy rolled her montage, all the scenes of her nonsense pieced together emphasized the depth of her idiocy. She ain’t crazy; she’s just really, really, dumb. 
The reunion trifecta ended with Jill pathetically pleading with Bethenny for a hug. Jill repeated “I really miss you,” through tears, to which Bethenny coldly responded, “I know.”
Andy didn’t miss a beat, and we picked up right where we left off on part 1 of the reunion. I hear this marathon of crazy was taped over an eight hour period. 
Alex and Bethenny said Jill only wanted to make up with Bethenny because she looked bad on TV. Jill admitted that she didn’t want to be the one who appeared to antagonize the pregnant engaged girl. 
In the first segment, Jill just bent over and took it up the ass. Ramona reiterated that Jill tried to talk the Housewives out of filming with Bethenny in an effort to sabotage her show. Unsurprisingly, this anti-filming angle is common practice among the cast since a gathering of more than one Housewife exponentially increases the chances the footage will make the cut. Jill straight up admitted she was wrong, and as a result never looked classier. The barrage of criticism became so intense that Bethenny stepped in to relieve the poor dead horse of its suffering.
Segment two introduced newest Housewife Sonja Morgan and her overactive cougar crotch. Her oversexed video montage seemed out of place amid all the other catfight videos, but it did provide a little levity in a sea of conflict laden exchanges. Let’s take this opportunity to praise Sonja for making the decision to keep her daughter entirely off the show. While she may come off a little vapid, her parenting decision on this point is both thoughtful and responsible. 
Andy rolled footage of all the malapropisms the Housewives busted out this season. Since malapropisms fall from these dumb bitches’ lips like leaves off a tree in autumn, the montage was pretty long and included gems like: 
The final segment started the discush of Scary Island (AKA St. John, I’m sure their board of tourism is thrilled). We learned that Kelly’s breakdown was actually way more severe and major then what aired. Since Bravo has no soul, their exercise of self-restraint in the editing room speaks to the true intensity of the meltdown. 
Kelly recounted her totally fictional account of “systematic bullying” while the other ladies wondered what fucking trip she went on. She claimed there was some sort of island intervention with Bethenny. I’m intrigued. More information please. 
Along this line, the highlight of part 2 of the reunion came when Kelly said in reference to St. John, “I was forced by Bravo to go on the trip.” Andy responded, “That’s not true, but I appreciate it, but it’s not true.” Kelly then snapped back “everybody knows that and…” Andy interrupted, this time with some gay sass, “That’s not true.” Kelly then says “Andy it is true though, but thank you I appreciate that.” I’m over Bethenny and Jill, this snark between Kelly and Andy was the most unexpected zing of the show. You gotta love it when the ladies air Bravo’s dirty laundry. 
The Countess pointed out that Kelly instigated much of the conflict and didn’t follow the program in St. John. Bethenny followed up unleashing on her saying she has psychological and emotional problems. With that, Kelly walked off the stage….
The morning after brought the ladies together for breakfast and a regurgitation of last night’s cook vs. chef argument with a sprinkling of ho-bag thrown in as a little hair of the dog. Tears, peanut-butter cookies, and F-bombs over breakfast, it’s going to be a doozey of an episode.
Ramona rented St. John’s version of Paloma Picasso’s Moroccan mansion. This amazing waterfront property is fucking gorgeous, right? Luxury wasted on the wicked.
Bethenny put together a shwag bag for the girls which rubbed Kelly the wrong way. She called it impersonal even though the bag was personalized with her fucking initials. Kelly had a good pity cry before calling Jill for an island to mainland pep talk. In this discush, Kelly accused Bethenny of having in-your-face DD size fake tits. Isn’t it a well known fact Kelly’s east-west facing breastage resulted from surgical augmentation? This bitch is bananas foster.
At the world’s most embarrassing and uncomfortable photo shoot, Kelly donned her photographer birth-control glasses as she cajoled cougartastic poses from the middle-aged saggy sorority sisters. Here’s the thing Kelly, just because Giles Bensimon put his wang in your cooter does not mean that you absorbed any of his photographic talent.
After a week’s respite from Jill Zarin, she and the Cuntess met up to stir the cauldron over dinner. Jill revealed that Kelly’s been calling her from St. John expressing distress. This cry for help was all the persuasion Jill needed to drop in on the group unannounced. Jill described an idyllic fantasy scene where she and Bethenny would sit on the beach and mend fences. Don’t hold your breath Zarin.
Bethenny decided to put her mise en place where her mouth is and prepared dinner for the group. Kelly took a page from the Alexis Bellino playbook and brought her self-important child-parent cell phone call to dinner. Ramona did not enjoy this and the two hens pecked at each other before the martinis and appetizers were served.
Kelly continued to snipe and complain a little too loudly about the food, the conversation, and the company casting a negative cloud over the meal. 
Sonja and Ramona raved about the food which looked traditional and well presented. Ramona mentioned she hadn’t heard from Jill. Kelly confessed that she had, and that Jill asked her about Bethenny. 
As Benpsycho continued her romp down crazy lane, Ramona attempted to formally apologize for the Brooklyn Bridge beat down. Kelly interrupted Ramona’s efforts which caused her to grab Bethenny and flee. Bethenny did an I-told-you-so-dance while Ramona acknowledged that Kelly was indeed couscous.
Kelly pontificated about the day’s photography sesh before skewing the conversation towards criticizing Alex for her Bethenny bulletin at Ramona’s Tru Renewal launch. Alex has never been quick on the draw, she’s a woman who needs to strategize exactly how she is going to respond – probably with Simon’s help. Rather than countering Kelly’s attack by complimenting her mad tuck game, Alex fled with Bethenny while Ramona cackled trailing behind.
Sonja actually made herself somewhat relevant by sticking around and looking Kelly in the eye and telling her she was insulting, defensive, crazy, and weird. Kelly fixated on Bethenny’s alleged planting of negative press about her kids and even accused her of attacking her friend “Gwyneth.”
Things got a little Lord of the Flies with Kelly criticizing Bethenny’s choice to travel after her Dad’s death and Bethenny screaming at Kelly to “GO TO SLEEP!” The group vacillated between sympathizing and demonizing Benpsycho.
Surprisingly, Bethenny ended up diffusing the fight by telling Kelly she wasn’t attacking her and didn’t plant bad press about her. Bethenny’s reassurances seemed to calm Kelly down and once they poured some Pinot Grigio on it everything seemed all good. 
The girls shouldn’t get too comfortable with peace, hurricane Jill rolls through St. John next week.
The Countess visited producer Chris Young to record her song Money Can’t Buy You Class, the drag edition. LuAnn sings better than Kim Zolciak, but that ain’t saying much. Last night on Andy Cohen’s after show, LuAnn confessed she landed a record deal and has another single in the works, Chic, C’est la Vie. Merde, C’est la vie is more like it. 
Ramona rounded up Sonja, Kelly, Alex and Bethenny for her pre-vow renewal bachelorette trip to St. John, (not St. Johns Ramona). When the girls arrived, they divvied up room assignments followed by some topside sunbathing and a white table cloth bikini lunch. 
Kelly wears vagina skimming dresses to events in Manhattan but insists on covering up to eat lunch with a few women on yacht? Whatever. She returned from putting on a cover-up and walked in on Ramona comforting Bethenny over the loss of her father. Bethenny joined this trip right after his funeral and desperately tried to contain her emotion in her large red sun hat.
Ramona wanted to discuss the confrontation at Jennifer Gilbert’s last week. Kelly misguidedly attempted to defend Jill, but ended up confirming Jill’s jealousy over being on the wrong side of the velvet rope in Bethenny’s life.
Sonja sat there like a lump while Ramona, Alex, and Bethenny schooled Kelly on the meaning of common American idioms. This lunch served as one of the first opportunities to clear the air among the women and it was fucking refreshing.
Episode highlight: Kelly stymied by the complexity of the glass door which foiled her dramatic exit.
Later on, Bethenny and Alex shared the most genuine moment of the season with a good old fashioned girl laugh at (Kelly’s expense). Take note Bravo, there’s been a shortage of these moments this season.
LuAnn’s date with the Millionaire Matchmaker reject Coerte V.W. Felske (author of illustrious titles like The Millennium Girl and The Shallow Man) gave me agita. When he “laughs” he throws his head back, opens his mouth wide, and makes no sound. 
Fucking creepy yo. LuAnn hurled her cooch at the lubricious tool using tennis as some icky bourgeois double entendre. Countess, you’re slumming.
Back on the SS Pinot Grigio, the ladies sat down to après-dinner cocktails. Kelly felt entitled to comment on Bethenny’s relationship with her father, and in general was fishing for any reason to attack Bethenny. Sloshed and slurred, Ramona encouraged the group to join her on yacht Hooter. This lead to a discush of one-night stands where Kelly sanctimoniously declared she never had one night stands. Ask Jay Lyon about that.
Kelly denigrated Bethenny and Sonja’s moment and expressions of emotion in general. Then she launched into the next round of attacks on Bethenny. 
Kelly declared, ”Nobody cares about you Bethenny. No one. No one cares. You are vindictive and malicious and cunning and deceitful and it’s creepy. That’s why I get creeped out by you.” 
Switching gears, Kelly accused Bethenny of being a cook and not a chef. This is a pretty bold accusation coming from a woman who claims to be a “Columbia graduate” when she actually went to the Columbia University School of General Studies (which is like the adult learning program). If anybody fronts on her credentials, it’s Kelly, was Elle Accessories even in circulation a year? 
After Bethenny called Kelly a moron and the most unintelligent human being with the worst vocabulary, Kelly took a nose dive to the lowest common denominator calling Bethenny a HO BAG! She busted out ho bag, on a fucking pregnant woman, classy. 
Bethenny charged in on Ramona, three sails to the wind, slurring all over Mr. Hooter. Stop leading with the tits Bethenny, you don’t need to feel yourself up every time you wear a strapless dress. 
Bethenny gives f-bomb dropping Ramona the quick and dirty version of the ho bag report before Sonja and Kelly board the boat that tits built.
Ramona hollered at Kelly to simmer the fuck down and stop attacking poor pregnant Bethenny. Ramona wanted to sweat off some of that alcohol stank at the Fat Turtle, so she, Alex, and Bethenny served up some Turtle Time disco bunny fever.
Too tired for Turtle Time, Kelly and Sonja returned to the poop deck where Sonja mounted Kelly as she complained about the lingering stench of cat piss.
At the Cocktails and Couture Party the condescending Cuntess wasted no time downsizing Alex for last week’s Bethenny dispatch. Both LuAnn and Bobby chastised Alex for getting in the middle of Jill and Bethenny’s biznass despite simultaneously failing to take their own advice by hypocritically weaseling into her dispute with Jill.
Kelly thought someone was going to pay extra because those dresses graced her snatch. She thinks she’s like Liz Hurley or something. Nobody gives a fuck Kelly. Though her dress choice for the party was an improvement over most of her other wardrobe selections this season.
Jill admitted to suffering remorse over the demise of her relationship with Bethenny. She claimed she wasn’t “ready to make up” at Ramona’s because she felt ambushed. Unfortunately, she lost her opportunity. Bethenny’s pride prevents her from trolling for apologies, and at this point Jill’s regret is too little too late. Tiger and Elin have a greater chance at reconciliation.
Alex tried to talk to Jill, but Jill doesn’t give a fuck about Alex. To Jill, Alex is just a pawn in her power struggle with Bethenny. Jill will never perceive Alex as her social equal and therefore has very little invested in salvaging their fake friendship. However, Alex isn’t the same woman she was first season; her semi-fame has given her more confidence.
Bethenny and Ramona seem to have gotten over the Brooklyn Bridge blowout, and Bethenny confided in Ramona concerning her visit to L.A. to see her father on his deathbed. The cynic in me thinks that the show may have strongly encouraged this call; Bethenny is so isolated from the other housewives this season it feels like she’s already shooting her spin off (premiering June 10th). It is apparent that Bethenny is bursting from the seams of this show and it’s becoming increasingly difficult to keep her in the fold.
A sycophantic wedding dress designer showed up with some gowns for Ramona’s vow renewal. Avery called bullshit on the whole unabashed grab for camera time pointing out the absurdity of the entire affair. Avery is actually the only person in Ramona’s life that can get her to momentarily pause and reconsider her juggernaut course.
LuAnn took Jill, Sonja, and Kelly to some uptown yoga studio where they sat around in lotus chairs and swapped depression stories. If I were any of these vapid, useless, twats I’d be fucking depressed too.
Ramona gave it as good as Jill and the two screamed at each other in the echoing loft while Jennifer’s kids tried to sleep behind closed doors.
Jill and Kelly took refuge in Jen’s pantry while Sonja strolled in ten minutes late and light years behind. Sonja doesn’t know what the fuck is going on.
Alex prepared her monologue on the way over from Brooklyn and wasted no time accusing Jill of gossiping about Bethenny’s loss. Fingers pointing, nose to nose, Alex and Jill finally had it out.
High heels hurting, Jill plopped down on one side of Kelly and Alex on the other. Kelly’s expression is fucking priceless.
Alex got in a few cogent barbs accusing Jill of pretending to be nice, never listening, criticizing her kids, house, and husband, and mean-girling. Alex leveled Jill who didn’t mount much of a defense. I only wish Alex would have stood her ground and stuck around the party vibing Jill all night. Remember folks, only the defeated flee the scene.
Bethenny acted confounded that Perez posted her pregnancy. Bitch you took a God Damn pregnancy test in front of a fucking camera crew. Don’t act like suddenly that shit is sacred and secret. Bethenny plotted to exploit this baby from conception and has put everything up for sale along the way.
The Cuntess visited Sonja’s pied-à-merde when Jill called to dis her informal invitations and discuss the Bethenny pregnancy bombshell.
Jill seemed to think she was entitled to have an opinion on the status of Bethenny’s uterus. None of the three had any details, so they rehashed their own pregnancy war stories before deciding Bethenny didn’t warrant an invite to Cuntess’s Couture and Cocktails event.
Meanwhile, Bethenny attempted bump-watch damage control at her Upper East Side efficiency. She unceremoniously dropped the revelation on Jason without preamble. He was understandably upset that the news broke before he had a chance to tell his parents and friends. 
Bethenny proclaimed that she had to confirm the pregnancy. Bullshit. Bethenny did not have to confirm her pregnancy that early. Yes, people read Perez, but no one considers him a legitimate or accurate news source. She could have easily kept her mouth shut and bought herself some time. Bethenny used her pregnancy to gain traction for her spin-off and probably dropped the tip on Perez herself.
Don’t believe her poor-me lack of privacy song and dance. To put it in perspective, Sandra Bullock adopted a child at the height of her Oscar race frenzy and she was able to keep it under wraps. If A-list, hyper-examined Sandra Bullock can keep an adopted child secret for months, Bethenny easily could have kept her news quiet.
Jill met up with Jennifer Gilbert (new housewife?) to plan an ice skating themed holiday party: Zarin’s Holiday Party on Ice. After name-dropping Donald Trump, the two considered whether Jill should do a solo skating number for the crowd. Seriously? Sounds like Jill’s super sweet sixteen. Fucking Gross.
Sonja brought Ramona to Dr. Bellin’s office for a plastic surgery consult on her “pooch.”
Ramona questioned the Doc’s credentials and ran him through his paces as he looked regretful he’d let a camera crew in his office. Sonja thinks her belly is her problem when it is actually her personality that could use an upgrade.
Bethenny broke the pregnancy news to Alex who seemed genuinely enthusiastic about sharing gestational intel.
Jill had the audacity to send Bethenny an email directing her how and when to disseminate the pregnancy news. This lead Alex to encourage Bethenny to let her deliver a message to Jill that “Bethenny’s done!” Alex, having built up a significant amount of animosity towards Jill over the past three years was more than happy to confront Jill on Bethenny’s behalf. 
Jill and Bobby taped a segment for the local news, and when I say Jill and Bobby, I mean Jill let Bobby get three words out before she hijacked the interview leaving him looking like a confused senior citizen. Nice suit though Bobby.
Sonja met up with her psychic to discuss her potential tummy tuck. The most notable part of this scene was the full size self-portrait hanging in the background. I only thought women in the South hung life-size self-portraits of themselves in their homes.
What the fuck is Kelly wearing to Ramona’s Tru Renewal launch? Bright-ass red hot pants, totally appropriate.
Jill criticized every possible aspect of the event. First she nit-picked Ramona’s brochure picture, then the unoriginality of the product, and even the healthiness of the food, all to avenge Ramona for “ruining” her Kodak event.
Alex arrived and shortly thereafter Ramona received a bottle of congratulatory Pinot Grigio from Bethenny with a pregnancy confessing card attached. Alex and Ramona bragged that they had already heard through Twitter, and Jill ignited at not being the first to know. 
Alex bragged that she had talked to Bethenny for forty-five minutes about the pregnancy that afternoon before the People article came out. Twitter, People, oh no, Bethenny’s not a shameless press hound exploiting her unborn child for fame.
Alex painfully delayed the message ratcheting the anticipation through the rafters. By the time she actually spit it out, the crowd had already turned on her.
It goes without saying that it was not Alex’s place to deliver Bethenny’s animus to Jill, but if she felt compelled to get involved she should have been more strategic. Alex aimed to humiliate Jill, but her amateur approach left her looking like the asshole and Jill in tears.
Alex brought maternity jeans to Bethenny along with a recap of the debacle from the night before. Alex confessed that confronting Jill had more to do with her underlying anger than her allegiance to Bethenny. 
Bethenny could clearly give a fuck. She has her man, morning sickness, media frenzy, a spin-off, and is taking her empire to the next level leaving behind these petty cows for greener pastures.
At Zarin’s Upper East Side shitstorm, Jill summoned for an veterinarian that does house calls (AKA, your friend Abby’s daughter Cindy from the synagogue) to address Ginger’s digestive issues. Jill’s been knee deep in it all season and this was no exception. Was this really the best footage Bravo had to start the hour? Gross. Moving on…
Over at the Borough, Bethenny broke engagement news to Alex. I’m guessing we’ll see the proposal footage on Bethenny’s Getting Married, you know that shit did not go unfilmed. Side note to Alex, no one wants quiche. 
Bethenny grimaced at the idea of a Central Park carriage princess wedding, but she filmed her “low-key” nuptials for a fucking reality show.
Ramona and her little cunt in training Avery sat down to a little mother-daughter lunch where Avery’s pretentious ass special ordered a dish not on the menu.
Truffle oil? Okay Blair Waldorf. By the way, clear braces aren’t fooling anyone. Avery has thirteen year old foundation issues. Mothers, guide your daughters away from the nasty orange Cover Girl base.
Even though she’s a condescending snot, Avery’s perceptive enough to see Ramona’s vow renewal for what it is – an unabashed grab for camera time, and she clearly wants no part of it, but Ramona wore her down with the crazy.
In search of her pied-à-terre, Countess LuAnn faced the cold, harsh reality of the post-divorce NYC housing market. After looking at a couple of 9 by Design looking joints downtown, she realized she is, in the immortal words of Billy Joel, “an uptown girl.”
You can spring for a building with a doorman, but that is just going to lull you into a false sense of security. Your doorman is not going to lay his life down for you or anything, so if you want to pay extra for someone to collect your packages, have at it, but don’t trick yourself into believing it is any safer.
At Pierre’s, Sonja and LuAnn discussed the negative behavioral side-effects of taking Adderall for weight loss. Sonja was concerned her Sagittarian nature paired with the Adderall might further impede her ability to self-edit. By the way, railing that shit will make you jitterier than Nic Cage on tax day, Trust. Don’t fuck with that pharmy shit, it’s nasty.
Kelly bristled at the notion that she and Sonja shared a man in the form of Max. Kelly thinks she has a platinum pussy or something. Kelly worked to create the impression that Sonja was much more into Max than she was, but we all remember her throwing herself all over him in those stupid fucking rain boots last season.
Sonja pointedly inquired as to whether Giles stepped out on Kelly during their marriage and the conversation turned really awkward as it became clear all three of these women were cheated on by their husbands. 
RHNY quick-study Sonja took the opportunity to discuss all the suitors rotating in and out of LuAnn’s cooch — which has become a fun weekly tradition this season.
Kelly, retire the fucking doily dresses. You wore a similar grandma lacy frock on Labor Day. Fugly then, fugly now, fugly forever.
Did Sonja actually bust out a pashmina?
Bethenny worked the party announcing her engagement. Kelly broke the news to Jill and LuAnn in her typical non sequitur, self-important manner.
“First news flash is that I’m dressing really feminine. That’s a big news flash. The second news flash, Bethenny’s engaged.”
What is this random bitch talking about? Right after Kelly broke the news, Jason came over to the Witches of Eastwick to lap up congratulations and troll for hugs. Why is he trolling hugs from Jill anyway?
LuAnn congratulated Bethenny and then confronted her about the Jill Stuart fash-attack. Bethenny apologized looking like she just wanted to dismiss the whole thing away so it wouldn’t sully her big night. 
LuAnn took it and ran into the arms of a nearby bachelor, thereby reinforcing her burgeoning reputation as the biggest slutbag on the Upper East Side.
Jill, alienated by not being at the center of the engagement brouhaha, vacillated all night over whether to congratulate Bethenny. After rounding up Bobby for moral support, Jill decided she better say something or risk looking shitty in front of her adoring public.
Bethenny, Jason, Ramona, and Mario congregated outside waiting for their cars and talking shit when Jill rushed out abrasively calling Bethenny’s name. Her anxiety was palpable and the whole exchange felt very insincere and forced.
Jill nervously focused her enthusiasm on the ring while Bethenny iced her. Bethenny and Jill are over and I’m over it too.
The most interesting part of the whole exchange was when Jill was fawning over the ring and Jason directed Bethenny, “Babe, Babe, Smile!” 
Who the fuck are you Jason? You just fucking got here. Don’t start telling people how and when to emote. This is foreshadowing people, Bethenny does not like to be told what to do.
Last night, we finally met a new housewife, Sonja Morgan, NYC’s answer to Lauri Waring Peterson. We learned a few things about Sonja off the bat, 1) she’s fucked Argentine Max; 2) she name-drops on the Upper East Side; and 3) she married well and divorced even better.
By the way Sonja, just ask Lady Gaga if anyone wears Mugler anymore.
Did you catch LuAnn taking rhetorical bitchery to a whole new level when she asked Sonja if she wanted to look like a sausage? LuAnn never lets an opportunity go by to dim the shine of those around her.
Bethenny, you wore that outfit last week and I gave you a pass on the matchy-matchy shit because your body and face looked banging. However, I can’t let it go twice, matching is for cowards. The compulsive need to exactly match clothes or accessory colors is for people who can’t dress. Assuming this wasn’t shot on the same day as the Ambush, repeating an outfit as specific as this in such close temporal proximity is strictly verboten.
Ramona and her skeezy husband make me so uncomfortable. Mario’s has the licentious stare of a sex offender, and the thought of them having a romantic evening conjures the chunder. Bet she’s a real chandelier-swinger. Taking a cue from the Gunvalsons, Ramona used her wiles to secure a vow renewal slated for later this season.
Back at the borough, God sent us a little rainbow called Brooklyn Fashion Weekend. Jealous Jill ridiculed the whole event from beginning to end mostly because she wasn’t in it. That shit was way budget though.
Ramona’s runway walk gave me the biggest bitch boner ever.
At least this week Kelly knew she looked like a dude.
Alex thought she was walking for Rick Owens.
From the conception of this scene, I don’t buy that this is the first pregnancy test Bethenny took. Jesus H. Christ, is nothing sacred? I really don’t need to see you squat right over the commode with the bathroom door open.
Congratulations, but I don’t need the urine-soaked stick to prove it. Just because Bravo begs you to film something doesn’t mean you have to agree. By putting everything up for grabs Bethenny really cheapened herself, her relationship, and her baby.
Ramona denigrated Jill’s hosting gig for Kodak to avenge the perceived slight she suffered at Brooklyn Fashion Weekend. Didn’t you get the memo? Ramona’s a business person. Ramona labors under the delusion she’s Bernanke or something.
Ramona got a case of camera courage. The spell of the lens and her paranoia about the way she will be perceived on television virtually levitated her into combat with Kelly. 
During Jill’s big shill speech for Kodak, Ramona whipped around like she was at a Badgely Mischka sample sale and told Kelly to “Shut up and listen!” 
Neither Kelly nor Ramona are equipped with enough intellectual acumen to make this fight interesting, so it ends with a very second grade “You have no brain, Good Bye!”
Despite a total lack of discernment, I credit Ramona with forcing Kelly into the mud and making her wrestle. Kelly would like nothing better than to appear above the fray, so I love that Ramona embarrassed her by engaging her in a highly disruptive, childish exchange while simultaneously ruining Jill’s endorsement deal. Kadooze Ramona, Kadooze!