Ramona kicked off this week’s episode with a photo shoot aimed at creating promotional shots for her numerous products. Suffice it to say that Ramona’s as good in front of the camera as she is on the runway.
The true star of this week’s episode, Chris March, dropped by Sonja’s dated townhouse to revive a fetid wig and costume for her upcoming masquerade ball.
A sick Jill met LuAnn at the costume shop to select their attire for Lady Morgan’s Grand Masquerade Ball. LuAnn appropriately gravitated towards the “saloon whore” look.
We met Kevin, Cindy’s bland babydaddy. He’s giving us a bit of a grown Dan Humphrey vibe, right?
Later on at Sonja’s, Chris returned with the slightly enhanced corset and magnificently transformed wig. Mayjah fucking wig.
The Cuntess called off sick. She either contracted the bitch fever from Jill, or she and the French Fonze were recreating Patty and Graham’s Halloween Rapunzel moment from My So-Called Life.
The weight of the wig must have restricted the blood flow to Sonja’s brain because she claimed she “forgot” her petticoat which resulted in her serving cottage-cheese ass as an unexpected appetizer at her otherwise sparsely catered soiree.
Jill reported that Sonja had a nice handprint sized bruise on her ass cheek. Lady Morgan likes a spanking!
At Serafina, Ramona hosted a launch party for her new vino. She ran into Jennifer, whose wedding was the backdrop for mucho drama earlier in the season. Jennifer is clearly angling to be RHNYC‘s version of Jersey’s Kim G. She needled her way into the drama by working Ramona up into a frenzy over some comments Jill made at Jennifer’s wedding reception.
When Jill arrived, Ramona pulled her aside to confront her about the accusations. Jill shifted the blame to another guest and got defensive. The two started screaming at each other in a staged scene before Jill dramatically stormed out.
On the way out, Jill conveniently ran into Jennifer and the two squashed the beef in about two minutes. With renewed courage, Jill returned to the gathering and reignited Ramona’s crazed shrieking.
When Jill subtly gestured to Ramona’s wine class and said “you need help, I’m serious..” Ramona made a hasty retreat, sobered by the threat of public exposure of her drinking problem. As if we all don’t already know that shit. We watch Ramona embalm herself in Pinot Grigio at every opportunity. As we learned last week, failure to provide Pinot results in automatic forfeiture of friendship. 
Ramona Singer + Kim Richards + Celebrity Rehab = Epic Awesomeness
Sonja orchestrated a détente between Kelly and Ramona at Geisha where they both confessed to each other their mutual anxiety over the meeting. Kelly served up the same I’m-42-and-don’t-have-time-for-this speech, and Ramona responded with apologizing for texting under the spell of the vino.
Cindy joined Sonja for tea time at her townhome and read her to filth for telling Kelly about her reconciliation scheme and failing to provide Ramona’s precious Pinot Grigio in Quogue. Without mincing words, Sonja swiftly leveled Barshop with the following zinger:
Ramona hosted a jewelry pimping party where she served her namesake Pinot Grigio in Cougar Town-sized goblets. Despite her efforts to intoxicate the crowd, there wasn’t enough Pinot in Manhattan to trick anyone into thinking that hideous display was cute.
The Cuntess flexed her already well-toned condescension muscle by probing Ramona over the origins of her eponymous Pinot Grigio. Ramona butchered the pronunciation of Veneto, and the Cuntessa unsurprisingly relished in the opportunity to correct her. The Cuntess remarked that Ramona can drink all the Pinot Grigio in the world and it won’t make her a wine expert. Yeah, well fucking a wine distributor doesn’t exactly make you an expert either LuAnn.
A toaster oven feast awaited LuAnn and Kelly over in Sonja’s kitchen. Gathered around the island, the apparent irony of a high-end gourmet stove sitting cold and unused in the background went completely unnoticed by the three women.
Jill took her Yom Kippur spirit to Brooklyn to make amends with Alex over transgressions which accumulated between the two over the last year. Gifts in hand, Jill tried to break the ice with compliments, but ended up accidently dishing an unintentional insult instead. Alex listened to Jill’s mea culpa with guarded ear, but confessed later she still didn’t trust her because of hateful things Jill said about Simon and her boys. Specifically, Alex mentioned that Jill called Alex’s children animals. Animal or not, we can all agree there is something going on with Francois, non?
The meal ended early when the two hit an impasse. Ramona took a cue from the Cuntess and dished a side-order of condescension which caused Cindy to completely withdraw into her martini. After a few minutes of awkward silence, Ramona excused herself from the lunch, and the two parted with their relationship in shambles.
We met up with LuAnn and a teenage Victoria in the Hamptons. Victoria reassured the Countess that she was perfectly fine with the weekend mommy arrangement. LuAnn took her daughter’s permission to play Sex and the City with a sigh of relief. Big surprise a 15 year old doesn’t want her mom around. Internet scandal involving sweet little Victoria in 3…2…1…
Sonja joined Kelly in the Hamptons for a ride at the amazingly impeccable Wölffer Estate Stables. Kelly tried to show off, even though her riding skills aren’t particularly impressive. Kelly triggered Sonja’s competitive streak, emboldening her to try and match Kelly canter for canter. Her over-confidence resulted in a humbling ass-first dismount into a pile of horseshit.
LuAnn, Sonja, and Barshop debated the merits of Quogue where Barshop planned a riding party of her own. In the course of the conversation, Sonja and LuAnn revealed that they didn’t receive evites to the event and a wave of panic swept Barshop’s face. Then Sonja made a jab about putting Completely Bare emails in her junk folder, and that pretty much set the hot wax on that relationship. Now how long until Barshop tears a strip of Sonja’s ass, or will it be the other way around?
One glass of Pinot Grigio later, Ramona mounted a sanctimonious high-horse of her own by making critical digs about LuAnn’s parenting style, calling her a “Weekend Mom.”
Barshop stirred the horseshit by pulling Kelly aside under the pretext of warning her not to bring her children to Sonja’s upcoming soiree. The whole exchange really made no sense because Ramona was there at LuAnn’s, would be at Quogue later, and therefore would have numerous opportunities to confront Kelly with or without Sonja’s meddling.
At the controversial Quogue party, Ramona demanded Pinot Grigio and a trusty mount immediately. She had something critical to say about everything from the food to her lack of autonomy while riding. After turning her nose up at every aspect of the party, Ramona pressed Kelly to talk about the stupid fight they are in that no one cares about. Kelly learned her lesson with Bethenny a couple seasons back and steadfastly rebuffed Ramona’s efforts to engage her.
Ramona joined the other ladies already seated around a table. Barshop stirred the shit again when she mentioned a brunch Kelly was hosting the next day from which Ramona was excluded. Rude people love to call other people rude, and Ramona couldn’t help but call Kelly out on the social faux pas.
Ramogre stomped around the party in search of a new victim when Howard, Cindy’s brother, caught her eye. She approached him and insisted that they have a conversation about the weird cigar moment at the wedding from earlier this season. Like Kelly, Howard also tried to deflect Ramona’s attempts at a confrontation by pointing out that his elderly father was sitting at the table behind them. Howard politely refused several times and eventually just straight up turned his back and ignored her. Barshop noticed the scene and stepped in to pull Ramona away.
The convoluted cigar conflict is still incomprehensible. The whole thing started with Ramona owing an apology and now she’s demanding one? Is it clear to anyone why she is so upset?
All this horseshit makes me actually miss Jill. Thankfully, she returns next week.
Alex invited Sonja to a damage-control lunch to smooth over the embarrassing squabble. The motivation for the meal comes not from Alex’s interest in repairing the relationship, but instead in the realistic fear that the rift with Morgan might jeopardize her camera time this season.
After quickly reaching an impasse, the two buttah blondes agreed to drop the tiff – which of course means we’ll be hearing about this petty shit for the next eight weeks. 
The French Fonz threw a wine and cheese party. He provided the wine, and LuAnn provided the cheese – specifically by making obvious and gag-inducing double entendres about spitting and swallowing. The highbrow speed dating was as awkward and boring as it has been in the hundred other reality shows where the gimmick has been featured.
Simon threw Alex an unpretentious picnic birthday party on Gov Island. The early October wind whipped guests and the masses huddled around a sad little plate of pigs in a blanket. Barshop and Bensimon arrived with their kids, surveyed the scene, and quickly retreated back to Manhattan.
David Meister invited Ramona to walk the runway, and LuAnn, Sonja, Alex, and Simon came to 
In an effort to kick-start her middle-aged modeling career, Alex participated in a portfolio-building photo shoot with Mark Veltman. Alex labors under the delusion that she’s going to supplement her “consulting” income by making bank as a model.
At her core, Alex is such a fucking try-hard dork. The woman has absolutely no swagger. Even though the hair and makeup team turned her out, she couldn’t make the editorial Bride of Frankenstein look werk.
Lacking the same self-shame chromosome as Ramona, Alex tried to rock her photo shoot hair to the event later that evening. A couple of hours prior, the hair was mayjah, and with the right attitude and outfit, I’m all for serving a little avante garde at the party. However, Alex lacked the confidence and sophistication to successfully take the look from editorial to cocktail.
When Cohen delayed the season, he promised it wasn’t due to lack of drama. Instead he claimed the show would benefit from breathing room between filming and airing. Now three episodes deep, the fourth go-round feels cobbled together and disconnected. Don’t get it twisted Bravo, Showtime’s got Cock Cages, so you best step it up.
Blonderexic Alex seems determined to earn her salary this season by working unnecessary drama into every social encounter. Alex described Jill’s totally neutral hello as “incredibly aggressive.” What’s incredibly aggressive is Alex’s shameless grab for camera time. On the way out, Alex invited the group to the equality march across the Brooklyn Bridge in full bridal regalia.
Ramona and Sonja headed downtown under the pretense of attending an art benefit co-hosted by new cast member Cindy. Successful IVF mother of two and owner of a string of waxing salons, Cindy claims to have it all and not need a man.
The rest of the crones arrived in different pairs. Alex got iced out of a few photographs and coped by drowning her pain in free champagne. Her self-conscious hovering smacks of effort. I wish effort would smack her back.
Once Jill got wind of Cindy’s test tube twins, she had to know every detail about their conception. First she grilled Kelly, and when that well dried she went right to the source. When Cindy joined the circle, Jill prefaced her intense inquisition by saying, “Would it be too personal if I asked a couple of questions?”
Ramona 
In the Hamptons, Ramona hosted Alex and Simon for an overnight since all four planned to attend a wedding together. Over bagels, the busted blonde broads prematurely gloated at the idea of Jill not knowing Alex would be at the event.
Ramona and Alex must have shared a crack pipe before they got dressed because they both showed up to a wedding in white/ivory. Both looked fug and so wrong. They might as well have given the bride the finger. Furthermore, considering Bethenny and Jill are both in the shapewear business now, it’s a mystery why Alex can’t grasp the concept of a proper undergarment. After the ceremony, Ramona added fuck-up to faux pas when she was overheard talking shit about some other guests (including Cindy’s brother?), thereby causing offense and tense embarrassment.
Alex cornered Jill and needled her over lending her name to the equality march but not participating in it. Throughout the afternoon Jill stewed over the confrontation. Later, when she took shade with two other ladies, she unleashed on Alex, calling her a “fucking bitch.” Proving she hasn’t changed much, Jill followed it up by saying, “Look at her. She is socializing at a party that is so above her.”
Alex and Ramona joined the group, and Alex reignited her pecking over whether Jill knew she was going to be at the wedding. It was a meaningless point to press and just made Alex look petty, desperate, and attention-seeking.
Ramona swept the event with an impressive three party fouls. The final one occurred when Ramona dug her finger into the previously unmolested wedding cake.
The world’s most attentive grandparents plotted with Gina to get an antique dressform to the party place without triggering Bethenny’s suspicions. Gina blew the cahoots. Rather than circle the block with the baby to kill a little time, she returned home and received a terse verbal lashing about “poor planning” from bitchy birthday Bethenny.
Bethenny claims not to care about clothes much, and while she generally looks decent, her personal style isn’t particularly fashion-forward. While whining about wardrobe, Bethenny took a twirl in a few different options and sought approval from the peanut gallery.
The first dress had a full skirt and an asymmetrical neckline. Julie liked it, but she wasn’t sure it was right for that night.
Second, B tried on the “wonder woman” gold-belted cocktail number. Without a good full length shot, it’s hard to tell, but from what was shown, this one was best. However, no one in the room had the taste level to discern that it was the most flattering, so Bethenny moved on to…
We’ve seen variations of these looks on her before, and even with a body as toned as Bethenny’s, shiny fabric brutally betrays forty years of bitter reality.
In perhaps her most annoying and childish move of the season, Bethenny curled up in a ball with her dog on the floor of her closet and whimpered in a baby voice. This bitch is forty. 4-0.
Jason and his parents returned home to find Bethenny having her makeup done in the middle of the apartment. With no sense of irony, Bethenny started crying to Jason about not wanting all this attention and wanting to be left alone. Nobody’s stopping you from walking right out the door Bethenny. Don’t let the boom mic hit you on the way out.
As everyone around flitted about trying to make everything perfect for her party, Bethenny commiserated with the make-up artist about the “birthday blues.”
While Bethenny whines about not wanting it to be all about her, these attention-seeking complaints keep drawing energy in her direction. A less selfish person might just smile and let everyone enjoy the party; accept well-wishes and gifts with grace. A self-centered person throws a fit and wears everyone out with her high-maintenance emotional messiness.
While getting her weave worked, B had a fashinspiration and broke out a well-tailored skinny tux with her shapewear cami underneath. When in doubt, pimp the product.
In the car, Bethenny couldn’t even muster enough enthusiasm for a real kiss. Later in his interview segment, Jason admitted that he wished she’d just suck it up. For once Jason, we agree.
Shawn worked like a hog during truffle season to root a “thank you” out of Bethenny for his gratis party planning. She did say it was “perfect” and “not to stress,” but she did not pull him aside, look him in the eye, and truly acknowledge his efforts. That’s the problem with free stuff: it is often wasted on the undeserving and ungrateful.
Bethenny worked the crowd catching up with Alex and Simon, Ramona, Lauren and many others. Ramona advised Bethenny to do the most important things first, and if the rest gets done, it gets done. Preach Ramona.
A few dreaded surprises ramped up to the big birthday breakdown. First, Teri showed up from Florida and lorded over Bethenny that she made it to party even though Bethenny didn’t come to hers. The guilt-trip triggered tears, and from there it was all down hill.
Jason called Bethenny up for the birthday toast where he set up the big gift reveal. 
Remove the apron, so we can actually see the form. Note to the grandparents: women under 55 do not wear un-ironic brooches.
On the brink of tears, Bethenny fled to one side of the bar and Jason to the other. When Ramona started yapping on about “raw love,” Bethenny turned on her heels and grabbed Jason and pulled him into the bathroom.
Bethenny wailed hysterically and kept apologizing to Jason as she became increasingly unwound. When Ramona looked at Bethenny like she was Kelly Bensimon, it was obvious just how emotionally off-center the event had become.
Just to end it with a bang, a quartet of waiters brought out a super-sparkler topped cake. The pyrotechnics required so much energy to extinguish that Bethenny split her pants.
The first of several 40th birthday parties kicked off at a suite at the Gansevoort where Bethenny and her girls pre-gamed with Skinnygirl and mini-sliders. Later, Bethenny rallied the group for a schlong hunt at Plunge.
Why does Bethenny think she has game? She acted like a crazed Ramona lusting over the general manager conveniently named Jason. At 40 not 30, Bethenny’s a little more resistible than she thinks. Seriously, slow your roll and stop embarrassing yourself.
After a few drinks, each sloppster took a turn stomping out her dignity in the center of the dance circle. Julie offered the most interesting dance craze – the metro card – a reenactment of that graceful moment when the metro card fails and you whiplash against the immobile turnstile. Bethenny acted like Julie was nutz. Apparently it has been awhile since bougie Bethenny has taken the train, because that shit was brilliant. Anyone who takes public transportation would know that dance of shame anywhere.
The next day, Bethenny got the call about Skating With the Stars and it was immediately obvious that she was going to say “yes,” even though she pretended she was going to discuss it with the family. Back at casa Hoppy, Jason braced himself for the latest news.
Jason didn’t seem too enthusiastic about the idea and immediately started chipping away at her excitement with loaded questions. Jealous much? Then he asked if it would be better for her to do Dancing With the Stars. Her response was fucking priceless, and proves how big her head has become.
Her implication – that she would turn down the highly rated Dancing With the Stars in favor of Skating With the Stars – could not be more patently absurd. Bitch please. No one asked you to be on Dancing With the Stars. Don’t fucking act like you would have turned down Dancing with the God Damn Stars because no one on this planet believes your fame-seeking ass would ever do any such thing.
Julie joined the meeting and even though she and Jason had concerns about time and scheduling, there was no talking Bethenny out of her skates. She knew she was accepting the offer the minute they called. Make no mistake: Bethenny furthers her fame first.
Even though no one had even mentioned Bethenny’s birthday, she moaned that everyone kept “harping on her 40th birthday,” so she simply must have a lavish party to satisfy the masses or some such self-important bullshit. She met up with her wedding planner Shawn for lunch and he offered to plan the party for her as a 
Later Jason and Bethenny took Bryn on an afternoon stroll. Jason nit-picked the proposed plans. The two began to bicker about the number of guests, the timing of food and drink, and the appropriate night for the party.
With a proposed guest list of 35-45, Bethenny didn’t want to exclude her friends for Jason’s buddies. In another dick move, Jason played the “you’re married now, Bethenny” card. In this instance, Bethenny’s right on. It is her birthday, and the guest list should be comprised of her friends. Jason manipulated her by calling her selfish, and got his way to invite ten friends to her party. When Jason turns forty he can invite all his friends. Not all couples must share friends. Furthermore, Jason’s friends don’t actually give a fuck about celebrating Bethenny’s birthday, so he should stop fronting like they do.
From there things got progressively uglier, and a sour cloud hovered over the rest of the walk, the talk, and the party. Bethenny began to regret agreeing to the bash. Considering the amount of celebrations Bethenny’s had for Bethenny this year – engagement, showers, a televised wedding – a low key fortieth might have been a better way to go.
Bethenny met her skating partner Ethan Burgess at the rink, but the chemistry wasn’t exactly gelling. Awkward chatter peppered practice and culminated with Bethenny declaring that she’d seen Ethan fall in a competition on youtube. Not knowing when to STFU, Bethenny continued to prattle and opined his fall was due to the rocky relationship with his girlfriend/skate partner. Nice first impression.
Back in bed, Bethenny and Jason continued to write “birthday party disaster” all over the walls. Each time the topic came up, the two clashed.
Since Bethenny’s latest book is about conquering negative thoughts, take note of Bethenny’s own self-defeating behavior. She says things like “my whole life has been like that.” Boo Fucking Hoo.
Bravo wrung every last drop out of this season of the RHNY, finally putting it to rest by airing unseen clips repackaged as “lost footage.”
Sonja accompanied Ramona to get her sweat glands eradicated by ultrasound. Note the Tru Renewal in the waiting room, even Dr. Giese is on the payroll. 
Sonja turned gray as Dr. Giese jabbed a metal rod in and out of Ramona’s armpit. Sonja compared the scene to a veal chop, and Ramona replied that she was getting hungry. The staff brought Sonja a juice box to help her through the trauma of witnessing the gruesome procedure. 
The nausea continued to build as we followed Jill and Bobby into Chopard. Jill fixated on a rose gold 1.79 diamond carat watch (conservatively $25-30,000.00) whining like Veruca Salt that “she waaaanted it!” Hoping to extend her good fortune, she requested the salesmen bring over a necklace too! When the salivating salesmen brought over a 10 carat flawless diamond ring priced at $3.7 million, Bobby started to turn as gray as Sonja did during Ramona’s surgery. Jill declared she always gets screwed because her birthday, the holidays, and their anniversary come one after another and she gets “combined gifts.” Yeah, combined gifts worth over $30,000!
Sonja apparently got her liposuction, and Kelly stopped by to see her in her post-operative convalescence. Kelly brought Sonja a “cleanse” to inspire her to take better (non-surgical) care of herself. Kelly then got all sanctimonious and said, “I want you to tell your daughter that you were too lazy to work out and got liposuction.” Preach Kelly! P.S. if you want to see some sloppy-ass editing watch this scene again, the cleanse is on the bed in a shot before Kelly gives it to Sonja. This shit is totally The Hills, cougar-style.
Kelly and Ramona worked out together in St. John. Kelly kept the elliptical on level three as she talked Ramona’s ear off. Ramona ignored her while she tried to concentrate on her five lbs shoulder presses. Kelly, a genetic freak at six feet tall, has no idea of what it takes to maintain a real woman’s body. Nice forearm plank Ramona, werk!
Sonja, Jen, Alex, and Simon gathered in Times Square for the reveal of Bethenny’s I’d Rather Go Naked campaign. Whatever. PETA is so super fucking hypocritical I can’t even get started, but that’s a discush for another day. 
Bethenny annoyingly mugged for the cameras as Sonja confessed her jealousy by admitting she wished she was up there. Sonja’s honesty is so unusual and refreshing, no?
Most of the girls showed for Ramona’s birthday party at the Chat Noir. Kelly and Jill took it upon themselves to rearrange the place cards. Ramona lost her shit because it was a rude and presumptuous move. That said, can we just sit where we want to sit please? Enough with the control-freak seating chart shit – it’s so antiquated.
We wrapped at the Reunion where we learned the Countess has a record deal, Kelly’s working on some top-secret shit, Jill got a hobby – a bedding line, Sonja’s returning to her relaxed lifestyle, Silex is working a summer book tour, Ramona’s enjoying her renewal, and Bethenny declared now it’s all about Bryn and Jason. I think this is the last time we will see this incarnation of the ladies together. Adieu materialistic shrews, we will miss you. 
Off the bat we got a juicy bit of gossip regarding the St. John trip. Apparently, Kelly was asked to leave and was escorted home by a producer back to the mainland. Kelly got bounced from Scary Island ya’ll. 
Kelly returned from her self-imposed time out and continued to play the victim card. In a never ending tautology, Sonja, Ramona, and Bethenny denied picking on her, and Kelly continued to accuse them of bullying. Ramona yelled at her like she was deaf, “NO ONE WAS MEAN TO YOU!” However, no amount of reasoning, yelling, or gesticulation appeared to sway the perpetual hair twirler’s perspective.
Ramona yelled at Jill for not apologizing upon arrival and got a little showy with her charade skills in the process. 
Sonja commented that while they did throw out a friend, it was rude for Jill to show up unannounced. It is rude to show up without calling, but when a guest arrives you really need to make the best of it. As Kelly would say, make lemons out of lemonade. 
Countess LuAnn proved elegance is learned when she spoke frankly about the challenges of the last couple years. She refused to directly comment on the infidelity rumors, but I don’t think we care if she boinked behind the Count’s back. The smug, anti-Semitic prick probably deserved it. Please note, however, no matter how intense things get, the Countess NEVER cries. That bitch has one stiff upper lip. 
Kelly Bensimon reminds us why models really should keep their pie holes shut. Kelly, as a model, peaked eons ago, but that was her contribution. That’s really all she has to give, so you really shouldn’t be surprised she’s a moron. When Andy rolled her montage, all the scenes of her nonsense pieced together emphasized the depth of her idiocy. She ain’t crazy; she’s just really, really, dumb. 
The reunion trifecta ended with Jill pathetically pleading with Bethenny for a hug. Jill repeated “I really miss you,” through tears, to which Bethenny coldly responded, “I know.”
-
Home > Ramona Singer