Tag Archives: Randy Spelling

Tori and Dean: Curried Donna Martin

The goat finally arrived, and I’m guessing Mr. Goat Breeder here failed to disclose just how mean and unruly Donna Martin will become when she hits her teen years.  I hope the cameras are rolling when Donna Martin chews through her first pair of Louboutins.

Liam channeled Sean Penn and assaulted a paparazzo.

Tori took “stylist” Marcel with her for her (free product placement) wedding dress shopping.  Wedding dresses are so fug; it’s a rare woman that can successfully rock a white dress.  Tori looks like shit all the time because she relies on the opinion of her gays instead of one honest woman.  Gay men have their place in the styling lexicon, but become overly reliant on their advice and your style will suffer.  A man, no matter how gay, is not a woman, and there are some things a man can never truly understand.  Keep a really honest female friend around for wedding dress shopping.

Tori and Dean flipped through photos of their original Fiji nuptials looking for inspiration for their requisite reality show vow renewal.  My vow renewal fatigue has developed into full blown exhaustion.

Patsy arrived and threatened to curry Donna Martin.

Patsy’s the only grounded influence these kids know.  It’s a shame she’s not around more often to discipline Liam’s rotten little ass.

Tori decided to spray paint old motorcycles yellow and use them as decorations at the ceremony.  She labors under the delusion she’s a master party planner, but her artsy crafty approach is more seventh grade than Seventh Avenue.

Tori relied on Marcel to procure three looks for the renewal: one for arrival, one for the ceremony, and one for the after party.  Three looks is excessive, especially when one was fug, one was mediocre, and one was not event-appropriate. Tori got her make-up did.  Note to brides, red lipstick does not usually photograph well unless it’s editorial.  Even though you may have fantasies about the perfect red lip, avoid dark lipstick on your wedding day or risk looking like Ronald McDonald in your pictures. 

Randy and Candy showed up and posed with Tori’s fug dress.

Tori’s minge came perilously close to acting as her maid of honor.

Dean and Tori emoted their vows in the vain hope a casting agent might see and offer them another Lifetime movie. Just as the ceremony began to really suffer under the weight of its own blandness, Liam dropped trou adding a little levity.

Dean sealed a kiss on his retirement portfolio as the totally disinterested audience shifted their weight from foot to foot looking for the bar.The Guncles pulled Tori and Dean aside and dropped news of a possible impending adoption.  Do I smell a spin-off?  These two do seem like they would make good parents (a fuckload better than Bori and Mean).  Mazel gentlemen.At the reception, Tori broke out her post-ceremony caftan, and Dean tried not to step on it as they danced for the cameras miming what happy couples look like.The next day, Tori revealed the new living room and the family gathered to watch a movie.  Stella aptly concluded this stank boring-ass season by busting a fart while the credits rolled.