Tag Archives: Raquel

The Real L Word: Dinah Shorgy

The maternal surprise theme continued this week when Nik imported Jill’s mom to L.A. for a weekend of wedding planning.  The three ladies hit the wedding dress store posthaste to find the perfect gown for Jill.  The dress they selected was an improvement over the previous option, but overall it wasn’t particularly spectacular or original.  Wonder if they have adequately considered that two brides marching down the aisle side-by-side in white dresses will inevitably draw comparisons over who looked better?Next, the couple took Jill’s mom to the cliffside mansion wedding location in Malibu.  Jill and her Mom had a moment on the beach, and Jill’s mom expressed her blessing for the union.  With the support of her mom, Jill blossomed and began to truly emanate the irrepressible glow of a bride to be.

Rose and Natalie arrived in Palm Springs and headed straight for Dinah Shore’s actual house which they rented for their weekend of relationship destruction.  Natalie and Rose managed to keep the peace through the first night at the white party.  However, by the next day’s pool party, Rose started popping off.  The two got into it over going to the ladies room.  This gave Rose the excuse she needed to run off and flirt with other women while ignoring Nat.

Instead of crying in her cheap beer, Natalie made her own fun dancing with friends.  Later, Rose returned back to the rental house, and just as she was explaining to her friend that she and Natalie were “on a break,” she opened the bedroom door and saw Natalie packing up her belongings.  Finally, Natalie asserted herself against Rose’s unreasonable bitchiness and kicked her ass to the curb — hopefully for good!Mikey followed up last week’s public wedding proposal with another grand gesture: a tattoo of Raquel’s name across her wrist.  Apparently Mikey hasn’t gotten the memo that this cliché is the kiss of death for relationships.  At Dinah, Raquel, surprisingly prudish, couldn’t completely stomach the flamboyant display of lezzie love, so she and Mikey ended up spending most of their time in their hotel room lacing and unlacing her corset.

Stamie and Tracy teamed up to shoot a PSA for California health care.  Stamie brought her daughter, Dautry, in an effort to force Zory to meet her.  Zory and Dautry had a moment and bonded over lollipops, but it did little to ease the palpable tension between Zory and Stamie.Later, Stamie admitted she was ready to have Tracy back full time and for Zory to go home.  Ultimately, the visit served its purpose as it did seem to soften Zory’s anti-lesbian resolve.  The gang closed out the evening by singing Tracy’s twenties goodbye.  Tracy, it is a mistake to waste your remaining youth and hotness playing two mommies with another woman’s kids.Whitney, essentially the Grand Marshal of the Dinah Shore dyke parade, dropped in on Palm Springs with a crew of enthusiastic Sapphics.  Sara and Whitney engaged in a poolside flirtation, including a little bump and grind, before heading up to the hotel room for an afternoon delight.

The next day, Whitney and Sara coupled up and headed down to the pool party where they ran into none other than the dignity-challenged Romi!  Apparently, Romi and Sara connected over Facebook, much to Whitney’s surprise and chagrin.  Serving Whitney a heaping slice of humble pie, Sara and Romi wasted no time embracing each other and making out in the middle of the pool.  In a unexpected turn for Dinah Shore, Whitney returned to her bed alone.  Upon the weekend’s conclusion, Whitney declared, “Fuck it, I’m single as hell, so ladies, watch out!”

The Real L Word: Fillers

After Rose ditched Natalie at the bar with no ride and no keys last week, we caught Rose surreptitiously meeting up with her ex-girlfriend, the famous Angel, behind Natalie’s back.  Rose justified the deception by saying that Angel makes her feel better and puts things in perspective.  Angel, smarter than Natalie, called Rose on her bullshit saying, “It’s always about you and what you need and never about anything else.  I’m done.”  Upon realizing that Angel was not going to be her soft place to land, Rose cut her losses and went groveling back to an overly-forgiving Natalie.  Grow a pair and dump her ass Natalie!With the guilt of last night’s strap-on interlude on her conscience, Whitney attempted to clean up the remnants of the White Trash Party.  She and Alyssa clumsily maneuvered the nauseating mixture of cream corn, lube, and shame into a shopping cart which they wheeled over to some nearby dumpsters.  Whitney, you can dispose of your lubed corn evidence, but the karmic stench of that grimy pune juggling will stick with you forever.

Tracy’s mom, Zory, surprised her for her 30th birthday.  Even though Zory has had difficulty adjusting to Tracy’s lesbian turn, Tracy decided it would be a good idea to take her to Stamie’s unedited comedy routine.  In the world’s most awkward first meeting, Tracy introduced her mom to a surprised Stamie.  The three stood around in silence for forty-five seconds before Stamie took the stage to bust out her graphic lesbian jokes.  Way to ease your mom into it Tracy!After dinner, things went from awkward to borderline offensive when Tracy asked her mom if she wanted to meet Stamie’s kids, and Zory responded with stone-cold silence.  Stamie rightfully found her lack of enthusiasm alienating, which caused her to give up on Zory and cool towards Tracy.  If bad blood develops between Stamie and Zory, it is a direct result of Tracy’s failure to adequately manage this situation.  This disastrous first meeting will ripple consequences for months to come.

Brooklyn Fashion Weekend’s blonder cousin L.A. Fashion Weekend finally arrived, and Mikey prepped for the headlining runway show: Richie Sambora’s line White Trash Beautiful.  The fact that this was the marquee fashion line speaks to the utter irrelevancy of L.A. Fashion.  Ava Sambora, Richie and Heather Locklear’s daughter, was scheduled to walk in the show.  She and her mother showed up to Mikey’s office for a fitting and flattery.  Mikey fawned over a barely-recognizable T.J. Hooker, while Ava rolled her eyes at the overblown gushing.  Mikey continued to flirt with a loopy Locklear until Raquel showed up under the pretext of delivering a surprise gift of balloons and flowers.

After a brief panic over the lighting on the step and repeat, Mikey took the stage to open the White Trash Beautiful show.  As for the clothes, drop the “White” and drop the “Beautiful” and all you have left is “Trash,” and that’s probably the best description of the mishmash of fugly that paraded down the runway.  Mikey drew extra attention to the shameless demonstration of Sambora nepotism by announcing Ava’s name over the loudspeaker like it was some church fashion show.  The single most shocking moment was the tight shot of Heather Locklear’s face.  Girl, chill with the fillers, damn.Mikey rounded out her professional triumph by bringing Raquel on stage for a grand wedding proposal in front of the dazzling selection of C-listers.  Naturally, Raquel accepted, and the two shared a romantic backstage kiss.  Mazel Ladies!

The Real L Word: The Riddle of the Sphinx

We met up with our favorite reality Sapphics contemplating the definition of lesbian sex.  This age-old riddle of the Sphinx continues to stymie both the gay and straight world.  Surprisingly conventional, some of the ladies seem very wedded to the idea that penetration defines sex. 

Mikey attempted a grand romantic gesture by planning a surprise commitment ceremony for Raquel in Vegas.  Fortuitously for Raquel, she missed her flight, thereby foiling the nuptial plans.  When Raquel finally arrived in Vegas the next day, she and Mikey played a game of strip pool before engaging in the least sexy bath time behavior ever.  Raquel is hot, but Mikey reminds me of a blond, lesbian, Meatloaf.

Tor’s naive ass acted confused upon hearing that Whitney has been hooking up with other girls.  Whitney tried to keep Tor’s infatuation going by making her believe she had an outside chance.  Unlike Romi, Tor said she wasn’t going to let Whitney douche her around.  Let’s hope she legitimately has the grit to withstand Whitney’s catnip.Melinda trained Whitney for the first time, and Whitney seized the opportunity to invite her out for that night.  When Whitney arrived at the bar, she was stoked to see Miranda waiting out front.  Delighted at discovering Miranda is at least marginally attracted to women, Whitney brought her panty-dropping flirt.  The sight of Whitney wooing another sent Romi into a jealous shame spiral, and she could not control the compulsion to make a scene for the cameras.  Having satisfied her appetite for Romi’s noni, Whitney told Romi’s over-dramatic ass to fuck off.Nikki and Jill lost their shit when they received quotes for the wedding dresses ($6,175 a piece) and wedding planner.  Working themselves into a veritable frenzy, the two tried to negotiate the price down.  Immediately after, they second-guessed themselves and called the wedding planner back and agreed pay her full quote ($7,650).  Don’t get so fucking emotional when negotiating.  It’s just a number; it is not an indictment of your character.  Folks just don’t understand the art of the counter-offer.

The Real L Word: Valentimes

Jill and Derek went Valentine’s shopping for a flip cam for NikkiDerek expressed happiness for Jill and Nikki’s love, but also some regret he didn’t get in there with Jill before it was too late.  Derek, don’t worry, since you were depicted as sensitive and caring, soon you’ll be getting more pussy than you know what to do with, Trust.

Nik’s Mom is a professional ballroom dance teacher yet somehow Nik doesn’t know how to dance.  Mom’s main gay talked Nik into purchasing a package of dance lessons, so she and Jill could prepare a tango for their impending nuptials.Surprisingly, this is the first Valentine’s Day Jill and Nikki have spent in the same city.  The two exchanged gifts in bed.  Jill enjoyed the practicality of the dance lessons, and Nikki seemed to genuinely appreciate the flip cam.  These two are the lesbian equivalent of a Pottery Barn catalog.Stamie and Tracy had the kids again this weekend.  Tracy was hoping for time to vent; instead, the house was hectic and child-filled.  A dog person, Tracy felt that in Stamie’s household, her needs and the needs of her canines were not adequately met.  They struggled to put the kids asleep so they could enjoy a few quality minutes on their first Valentine’s Day.  Tracy’s a fucking idiot to play wifey this early in the relationship.  Instead of getting her idealized Valentine’s Day, the two hosted a family celebration with pizza and balloons.  Stamie gave Tracy a key to the house.   I’m surprised she doesn’t already have one.  I thought all full-time babysitters had housekeys.

Proving the break-up-make-up cycle is especially short in lesboland, Rose and Natalie chose to ignore last week’s discord and tried to have a great Valentine’s Day.  Natalie shot some sexy cheesecake photos as her gift.  Rose got a room at a local resort for Natalie.  Both went through the motions of a romantic evening, but the underlying tension between the two dampened any sincere excitement.  Natalie busted out the seductive photos, and Rose said she forgave her for getting a breast reduction.  The two took it back up stairs for the cliché rose-petals-on-the-bed-crap.  Just remember, in real life somebody has to clean up all those fucking flowers.Whitney prepared special effects make-up for an upcoming horror film.  While talking to the filmmaker, he offered her the role of the main female character.  This offer sent her into a body image tailspin motivating her to procure a trainer post-haste.  Whitney selected her trainer off YouTube.  When she arrived, Whitney immediately got a lady-boner for Miranda and wondered if she was gay.A Raquel-less Mikey spent her Valentine’s Day arranging a lovely makeover day for her Aunt.  Romi, Whitney’s weeping dignity issue, happened to pop up as the staff make-up artist.  Mikey grilled Romi about her love life, so Romi described Whitney – clearly piquing Mikey’s interest.  Romi called Whitney and begged her to come to the Abbey.  When Whitney arrived, she and Mikey hit it off and competed over who would be the table’s “top.”  Whitney said she is “pants” and therefore Mikey needed to “pump” it up a little to appeal to her.  In the end, Romi and Whitney once again ended up in the kip, and Romi even gave us a little side order of tittay!

The Real L Word: Show Your Tits

We begin where we left off with Whitney picking up Tor from the airport.  Tor’s crashing at Whitney and Alyssa’s house until she gets settled in L.A.  Whitney admitted it’s a bit of a U-Haul situation.  Alyssa, Tor’s cousin, worried she would fall victim to Whitney’s persistent pune juggling and get her newly-lesbian heart broken.Tracy and Stamie played three-kids-two-mommies over in Silver Lake. “If Tracy took a second to think about this and break it down, that bitch be running down Ventura Boulevard.  I’d have to stop her with my vehicle.”  Amen StamieTracy complained of exhaustion after one evening with the kids, and again in the morning when Nico woke her up.  She obviously lacks the grit required for successful step-parenthood.  These two ain’t gonna make it.

Nikki optioned Sexual Fluidity as a television show.  She and Jill met with the author Lisa M. Diamond to discuss the project.  The women have a strong connection to the book; Jill recommended it to her parents to explain her mid-twenties transition to lesbianism.  She also admitted that despite wearing an engagement ring from Nikki, she struggles as identifying as an openly gay woman, saying “it doesn’t feel like it fits.”

At the Abbey, Tracy, Stamie and the local lesbian pick-up game shared drinks.  Whitney arrived and made a bee-line for TracyStamie looked absolutely thrilled the playa was paying her snatch attention.  Whitney got sidetracked when Romi, last week’s drama, showed up begging for scraps.  Bitch gather your dignity, she’s just not that into you. Later, Whitney tried to give Romi good phone when Alyssa came outside to remind her that Tor was twiddling her thumbs inside.  Whitney lied her ass off trying to put out the fires erupting all around her.

Jill’s “best friend” Derek flew in from San Francisco, and Nikki showed visible signs of jealousy as Jill showered him with adulation.  Nikki confessed she can’t compete with a man, but after seeing Jill’s engagement ring, I’m not sure a man could compete with her.

Mikey drug her assistant and intern to the party for her big Hollywood Chamber of Commerce induction.  She actually made her minions flank her, because she likes to be surrounded by hot chicks.  Mikey continued to try to reach Raquel until the very last moment, but in the end she didn’t show in time to see Mikey receive her recognition plaque.  They met up outside, and Mikey was clearly disappointed.  Mikey wants a supportive housewife, not a busy career girl.  Raquel’s absence at this event signals the beginning of the end for these two.

Rose and Natalie hosted a crew at their crib for game night.  These alcoholic bitches downed drinks like frat boys before breaking into a chant: “SHOW YOUR TITS!”  Drinking brings out the bully in Rose, so Natalie complained to a drunk girl in the kitchen who looked like she might projectile vomit at any moment.  Rose told Natalie to relax and said she was being “catwalk?”  Nothing inflames an argument more than telling someone to “relax,” so Natalie retreated to the bedroom as Rose bragged about fucking five girls at a time to her buddy on the patio.Alyssa tried to talk some sense into Whitney by presenting all her recent shadiness in a concise, linear manner.  Alyssa pinned Whitney to the wall and didn’t let her weasel out with excuses and rationalizations.  This dose of brutal honesty was exactly what she needed for momentary clarity.  Value those who tell you the truth; they are exceedingly rare in a world filled with placatory cowards.When we met back up with Rose and Natalie, the evening spiraled further into a drunken argument.  Natalie called Rose rude, and Rose told Natalie to move out.  These two probably made up and fucked that night.  It doesn’t make them soul mates, it makes them weak and predictable.  Apart from Nikki and Jill, is there a couple on this show that’s got a chance?

The Real L Word: The Power of the Clam

The first thing you need to know about The Real L Word is that most of these lesbians are rather late arrivals on the scene.  Most came into their sexuality in their twenties.  Even Mikey didn’t dine at the Y until college.  Whitney is the exception; at nine she put sour cream on her eleven year old friend’s boobs, covered them with Fruity Pebbles and then ate it off — lesbian 9 1/2 weeks Saturday morning cartoon style. We begin with dread-locked Whitney, a pune juggler, fetching a couple of SF lezzies Taylor and Sara (pretentiously pronounced Saw-da) from the airport.  While pontificating on the differences between NYC, L.A., and San Francisco lesbians, Whitney declared that L.A. lesbians “lack the working hands” of the NYC lesbian.Next we meet Jill and Nik in matching purples shirts, a type-A preppy lesbian power couple.  These two met at summer camp.  Nik went out with Jill’s brother way back in the day.  The two women reconnected on the camp website and have been together ever since.

Mikey (think West Coast Kelly Cutrone) runs a fashion P.R. firm and enjoys making models cry.  Mikey’s in a long-term relationship with Raquel, a hard-working make-up artist.

Tracy a tall, dark, and lanky development exec, popped up at the beach skateboarding.  A self-confessed late bloomer, Tracy’s newly involved with Stamie, who is separated from Julie, with whom she co-parents three kids.

America Ferrera doppelganger Rose, a financially successful real estate financier, hit the club with her girls and then reluctantly returned home to her girlfriend, Natalie.  She considers herself in the top 1% of lesbians because she looks good, dresses well, has good job, and can show you a good time.

At Fubar, Whitney got stuck in pussy gridlock when Romy, her recent fling, sauntered up to the bar upon which Sara was dancing.  In full tear-management mode, Whitney did her best to placate her jilted hook-up without jeopardizing her current one.  She adequately finessed the situation and successfully tucked into bed at the end of the evening with Sara.

Jill and Nik are planning their nuptials and spend mornings pouring over wedding-related websites trying to decide between a wedding dress and wedding suit.  Nik wants a suit, and doesn’t want to look like twins in white dresses walking down the aisle.Mikey looked extra stupid when she lost her shit on some inexperienced models sent by a casting agent her own office solicited.  When it became evident she didn’t know what the fuck was going on in her own office, she overcompensated by ripping the casting agent a new asshole.  She truly is the West Coast Kelly Cutrone.

Whitney educated us on the difference between “pumps” and “pants” within the lesbian lexicon.  “Pumps” are the “feminine girls” that “wear high heels,” and “pants know how to swing a hammer and are usually in control.”  Good to see the lesbians are working towards dismantling all those limiting stereotypes.Rose visited her Grandparents’ house and it was refreshing to hear that they embraced her when she came out and seemed to genuinely like her girlfriend NatalieNatalie wants babies and starting applying pressure in front of Rose’s family.  Rose seemed very reluctant, and it became pretty obvious these two ain’t gonna make it.

Whitney’s friends inform her that she harnessed the power of the clam, but she sleeps with women who are looking for relationships.  What lesbians aren’t looking for relationships?  Stop sleeping with each other so soon.  The lack of pregnancy fear entices these girls into the kip.  Sluttiness is so tired.  I’m no advocate of purity rings, but rushing into sex has become such a predictable cliché.Episode highlight, Mikey turned to Raquel before bed and said “You can be Jillian Michaels and I’ll be Jackie Warner.”  Lesbian workout role play, lovesit. Nik and Jill met up with wedding planner Camilla at the Newsroom to hash out event ideas.  The two are planning a traditional Jewish ceremony with a sit down dinner.  Jill’s jaw hits the floor when Camilla slides the budget across the table.  Not sure why they are letting the wedding planner dictate the budget, but my guess for the estimate is $125,000.  Nik reassured Jill that it was their wedding day and worth the expense, while Jill reminded Nik that it was a lot of money to spend on just one day.

At Crown Bar, Whitney, Natalie, Rose, and Tracy and the rest of the sapphic gang mingled.  Whitney shamelessly hit on Tracy in front of SaraTracy flat out asked Whitney if she and Sara were dating, awkward silence ensued.  Sara fled to the bathroom and confessed her jealousy over the attention Whitney was lavishing on Tracy.  Eventually, Tracy mentioned her girlfriend, so Whitney cut her losses and returned her attention to Sara in the bathroom stall. They took it to the West Hollywood streets where Whitney smoothed things over by spitting some meaningless playa noise that again dropped Sara’s panties, proving low self-esteem transcends all boundaries. I’ve been wondering how explicit this program is going to get with it playing on ShowtimeThe L Word was big on girl-on-girl action, and I’m guessing these girls are going to be contractually obligated to show a little somethin’.

Whitney and Sara head to the airport where they shared an emotional goodbye.  Whitney then circled around from departures to arrivals and picked up her very well-timed new piece.  Play on playa.  Play on.