Tag Archives: Real Housewives of New York City

over it

DCIM100GOPRO

I’m so over fucking Coachella, Burning Man, and any other bullshit that involves a hoard of entitled fuckers eating drugs in the desert pretending it’s art.

COACHELLA LAMEI’m so over Game of Thrones.  Dragon dearth.GAME OF THRONES DRAGON

I’m so over guys who only care about their own orgasm.  The girls in the porn aren’t actually climaxing you lazy, delusional douche.

SELFISH IN BED

I’m so over Jenelle Evans getting pregnant.

JENELLE EVANS PREGS

I’m so over Sonja Evans describing her outdated, ill-fitting ensembles by listing the designers.  “It’s Oscar.”  It’s ugly.

SONJA MORGAN

I’m so over people throwing cigarette butts everywhere.  As if the smoking isn’t gross enough.

 

 

 

 

Two for Tuesday

The new girls aren’t cutting it are they?  Bravo should have replaced the whole cast with a younger, more vibrant and ambitious group.  Rich bitches complaining about medical issues does not make for an interesting program.

The poor man’s Heather Mills broke out her prosthetic at the pedicurist. 

On a a completely unrelated note, it is time to consider a move.  The question is, where to go?  How about the Phinney House in Cape Cod that dates back to 1659?  Or how about New Orleans?  If you have $3 million+ lying around you could buy the house where The Real World New Orleans was filmed. 

If you could go anywhere, where would you go?

RHNY: une autre femme

The blondes and the brunettes arrived separately to Marrakesh.  LuAnn, Kelly, Jill, and Barshop flew in a day prior and a head space apart from Ramona, Sonja, and Alex.Team blonde worked themselves up over their potential accommodations on the way to the riad.  Ramona remarked on the “poverty all over” and Sonja called the surroundings “ookie.”  Overcome with paranoia that the locals would make off with her hat collection, Sonja hovered around the van until the staff unloaded the bags.Once unloaded, Rudemona demanded immediate staff assistance in unpacking her cougarific wardrobe and untangling her hideous jewelry.  Cindy came upstairs and found some of her clothing unhung which led her to accuse Ramona of stealing her hangers.  Shit talking among the bitchy blondes ensued as Barshop retreated for friendlier liked-tressed company after a half-hearted confrontation.  Minutes later, LuAnn overcompensated by procuring a dozen hangers and delivering them along with a scolding to Ramona, Alex, and Sonja.The Brunettas hit the design district and conveniently ran into Jill’s ex g-hub Brad.  Since he obviously traveled around the world for a little air-time this season, Brad extended an invitation to his birthday party that night at his nearby lodging.While LuAnn and company were shopping, Ramona and Sonja were drinking.  By the time the two camps caught up with one another, Ramona and Sonja were straight up sloppy.  The Cuntess antagonized Ramona by telling her she looked “amazing” in a tone that sounded less than sincere.Shortly after, a respected Moroccan designer joined the party and offered custom caftans to the ladies.  Ramona continued her American good will tour by demanding he tailor the garment to her exacting specifications.Later at Brad’s party – location B&B – not private villa as Jill had hoped, Sonja sucked down coupes de champagne and puffed up in her dress like a bloated camel corpse on a hot Saharan day.Jill worked the hottest look of the season when she donned a snake crown.  For the crowd’s further amusement, morally questionable snake versus human shenanigans ensued.

Then the whole party burst into some kind of fucked up Moroccan menopausal flash mob.The party ended with tarot readings for the women.  First the fortune teller told Jill she had a good heart, but talked too much.  True.  Then she told Sonja that she should concentrate on the man and not the money.  Also true.  Next, the veiled woman foretold another child for Kelly, thereby fulfilling her yearning for a larger family.  Better get on that Kel.  Finally, Ramona took the hot seat and held the deck over her heart.En Français, the clairvoyant revealed to Ramona that Mario is seeing another woman.  Considering Mario’s well-documented eye-wandering history, this divulgement may turn out as accurate as the mystic’s other predictions.Ramona looked more exposed than surprised, and none of the other woman looked particularly shocked either.  Sonja and Jill shed a tear at the palpable discomfort of the raw disclosure, Kelly fled the scene, and the Cuntess seemed a little too eager to translate the news for the whole room.Dear friend AMP posed an interesting question, could Brad have intentionally set Ramona up to embarrass her?

RHNY: deformed

LuAnn and Sonja met up for lunch and pretended to just stumble upon the idea of a girls trip to Morocco that was so obviously planned and underwritten by BravoSonja and LuAnn divided the duty of extending invitations to the other Housewives.  In the course of the conversations that followed about Morocco, here are a few ignorant gems that passed the ladies’ lips.“It’s like going to Paris.  I mean Paris it’s not, but it’s a very sophisticated city.”  (LuAnn claims to have visited Morocco several times; you’d think she’d know it was a country, not a city.)“I’m a little concerned.  It’s a third world country.  They don’t respect women.  I love my family.  I don’t want to go away and end up not coming back.”  Fear not Ramona, the Kingdom of Morocco will not hesitate to return you.Even though they don’t serve Pinot Grigio, Ramona met up with LuAnn at Alice’s Teacup.  The Cuntess laid into Ramona over shit that didn’t concern her.  This offensive tactic sent Ramona spinning down a defensive dark rabbit hole.Lady Morgan allegedly landed a toaster oven cookbook deal?  The promotional photo shoot took place at her musty townhouse.  Kelly stopped by to add her editorial viewpoint, lest we forget about her reign at Elle AccessoriesBensimon got more than she bargain for when Sonja “accidentally” flashed her cooch while writhing about on her dining room table like Tawny Kitaen on the hood of the car in the Whitesnake video.The cliques split for two totally different spa trips.  Barshop, still trying to buy her way in, bankrolled a trip to the ultra swank Canyon Ranch for Kelly, Jill, and LuAnn.  To add a layer of cream cheese frosting to the already over the top gesture, embroidered robes awaited the ladies upon arrival.  Jill couldn’t wait to open her present and did so in the lobby.The Cuntess responded by pretentiously snipping, “Really darling, I mean never open a gift in the middle of a hotel lobby.”While Canyon Ranch offered drum circles and massages, Ramona hosted a different kind of spa visit back in NYC at Dr. Giese’s office.  Rudemona summed up her intention with this zinger: “…if you know something great, share it, so I invited both Sonja and Alex to come with me… Let’s face it, they could use a few touch ups.” Alex got dermaplaning (Ed note: this interests me), Sonja got VelaShape, and Ramona got a neck full of Botox. Without a hint of irony, the ladies all met up for an anti-bullying rally that Jill hosted.  Ramona brought a case of her eponymous Pinot Grigio that was supposed to be for auction, but upon arrival she shouted at multiple members of the wait staff to crack it open and bring her a glass immediately.Once the Cuntess arrived in a flutter of self-complimentary praise, it was immediately on between her and Ramona over David Meister of all things.  Holy fuck this show is D-List, this shit is way more D-List than Kathy Griffin ever was, right?  The Cuntess has her twat in a knot because Ramona blacklisted her at MeisterRamona admitted she’d laid exclusive claim to wearing the rich woman’s Jessica McClintock, and LuAnn called the move “bitchy.”  It’s no mystery why LuAnn’s drifting from Ungaro; since the Lindsay debacle things at the fashion house still haven’t recovered.Under the guise of concern, the ladies gossiped through the runway show about Ramona’s excessive day drinking.  During an emotional speech by Jill’s stepdaughter, Ramona rattled around in the background trying to procure more of her precious wine for herself the table.  When Jill went to investigate the ruckus, Ramona slurred another character-consistent misspeak by describing Jill’s stepdaughter as “deformed.”  Minutes later she snapped at the designer’s daughter to clear empty glasses before Alex scurried over in damage control mode.Next week we’ll learn whether Ramona smuggled a few cases of Pinot to Morocco, or if she tried to white knuckle through the forced, tension-filled, faux-fun girls trip.

RHNY: Lady Morgan Likes a Spanking

Ramona kicked off this week’s episode with a photo shoot aimed at creating promotional shots for her numerous products.  Suffice it to say that Ramona’s as good in front of the camera as she is on the runway.The true star of this week’s episode, Chris March, dropped by Sonja’s dated townhouse to revive a fetid wig and costume for her upcoming masquerade ball.A sick Jill met LuAnn at the costume shop to select their attire for Lady Morgan’s Grand Masquerade BallLuAnn appropriately gravitated towards the “saloon whore” look.We met Kevin, Cindy’s bland babydaddy.  He’s giving us a bit of a grown Dan Humphrey vibe, right?Later on at Sonja’s, Chris returned with the slightly enhanced corset and magnificently transformed wig.  Mayjah fucking wig.The Cuntess called off sick.  She either contracted the bitch fever from Jill, or she and the French Fonze were recreating Patty and Graham’s Halloween Rapunzel moment from My So-Called Life.The weight of the wig must have restricted the blood flow to Sonja’s brain because she claimed she “forgot” her petticoat which resulted in her serving cottage-cheese ass as an unexpected appetizer at her otherwise sparsely catered soiree.Jill reported that Sonja had a nice handprint sized bruise on her ass cheek.  Lady Morgan likes a spanking!At Serafina, Ramona hosted a launch party for her new vino.  She ran into Jennifer, whose wedding was the backdrop for mucho drama earlier in the season.  Jennifer is clearly angling to be RHNYC‘s version of Jersey’s Kim G.  She needled her way into the drama by working Ramona up into a frenzy over some comments Jill made at Jennifer’s wedding reception.When Jill arrived, Ramona pulled her aside to confront her about the accusations.  Jill shifted the blame to another guest and got defensive.  The two started screaming at each other in a staged scene before Jill dramatically stormed out.On the way out, Jill conveniently ran into Jennifer and the two squashed the beef in about two minutes.  With renewed courage, Jill returned to the gathering and reignited Ramona’s crazed shrieking.When Jill subtly gestured to Ramona’s wine class and said “you need help, I’m serious..”  Ramona made a hasty retreat, sobered by the threat of public exposure of her drinking problem.  As if we all don’t already know that shit.  We watch Ramona embalm herself in Pinot Grigio at every opportunity.  As we learned last week, failure to provide Pinot results in automatic forfeiture of friendship. Ramona Singer + Kim Richards + Celebrity Rehab = Epic Awesomeness

RHNY: Pinot Pecking

Sonja orchestrated a détente between Kelly and Ramona at Geisha where they both confessed to each other their mutual anxiety over the meeting.  Kelly served up the same I’m-42-and-don’t-have-time-for-this speech, and Ramona responded with apologizing for texting under the spell of the vino.Cindy joined Sonja for tea time at her townhome and read her to filth for telling Kelly about her reconciliation scheme and failing to provide Ramona’s precious Pinot Grigio in Quogue. Without mincing words, Sonja swiftly leveled Barshop with the following zinger:

‘There is a pecking order.  I’m sorry.  If Ramona Singer comes to your party you have to respect it.”

Ramona hosted a jewelry pimping party where she served her namesake Pinot Grigio in Cougar Town-sized goblets.  Despite her efforts to intoxicate the crowd, there wasn’t enough Pinot in Manhattan to trick anyone into thinking that hideous display was cute.The Cuntess flexed her already well-toned condescension muscle by probing Ramona over the origins of her eponymous Pinot GrigioRamona butchered the pronunciation of Veneto, and the Cuntessa unsurprisingly relished in the opportunity to correct her.  The Cuntess remarked that Ramona can drink all the Pinot Grigio in the world and it won’t make her a wine expert.  Yeah, well fucking a wine distributor doesn’t exactly make you an expert either LuAnn.

A toaster oven feast awaited LuAnn and Kelly over in Sonja’s kitchen.  Gathered around the island, the apparent irony of a high-end gourmet stove sitting cold and unused in the background went completely unnoticed by the three women.Jill took her Yom Kippur spirit to Brooklyn to make amends with Alex over transgressions which accumulated between the two over the last year.  Gifts in hand, Jill tried to break the ice with compliments, but ended up accidently dishing an unintentional insult instead.  Alex listened to Jill’s mea culpa with guarded ear, but confessed later she still didn’t trust her because of hateful things Jill said about Simon and her boys.  Specifically, Alex mentioned that Jill called Alex’s children animals.  Animal or not, we can all agree there is something going on with Francois, non?

Whatcha reaching for kid?  Is that a hug or a headlock?

Finally, Ramona and Cindy met up to clear the Quogue fog, but Barshop couldn’t even articulate her queef with Singer, so the exchange left relations more muddled than before their Four Seasons four cocktail lunch.The meal ended early when the two hit an impasse.  Ramona took a cue from the Cuntess and dished a side-order of condescension which caused Cindy to completely withdraw into her martini.  After a few minutes of awkward silence, Ramona excused herself from the lunch, and the two parted with their relationship in shambles.

RHNY: MEWY MEWY

Self-proclaimed “gay icon” Sonja hosted the Marriage Equality March pre-party and expected the rest of the women to fawn over her like it was her actual wedding day.  Both she and Alex labored under the misapprehension that it was “her day” and the two went tit to tit trading bitchy self-important barbs.Alex believed the day was hers because she’d been involved in the project for months and won’t let anyone forget she served on the committee.  At the last moment, planners asked Sonja to act as Grand Marshall and speak at the rally.  The timing indicates she was a last minute replacement for someone more relevant, interesting, well-spoken.Once at the Equality March, Simon’s sequins came unglued when he learned that Sonja brokered an exclusivity clause in her contract which precluded any of the other cast members from speaking.  This season, Sonja came to play and apparently she brought her legal team.Unrelenting in their commitment to fame Marriage Equality, Alex and Simon first plead with Sonja to allow Simon to raise his rainbow at the podium.  When she ignored their pleas and turned her back, Alex hovered behind her whispering maliciously in her ear.  Kelly, the ambassador of crazy, turned and yelled, “We are embarrassing ourselves!” X four.  The awkwardly loud rebuke stunned the rest of the hen house into temporary silence.A more magnanimous person might have just allowed Simon to speak, but if the tables were turned and Simon had an exclusive speaking engagement, would he share the spotlight with Sonja?  Doubtful.  Cut from the same social-climbing cloth, all three keep tirelessly trudging up the ladder, even if they happen to be on slightly different rungs.  Sonja went out of her way to knock Alex and Simon down a peg or two.  Trust that Silex will not let this slight go unanswered.Sonja hosted a cocktail party to reveal an unflattering painting that the artist she’s banging painted of her.  Alex pulled Sonja aside and the two began to argue about the events of the day.  The fight fermented to the point where Sonja asked Alex to leave while screaming at her about her bad manners in front of a room full of guests.The Cuntess summed up the importance of squabble by saying, “I don’t know what Alex was wearing to Sonja’s party.  It was some kind of S&M bondage thing.  I would have kicked her out just for the dress.”On the brink of tears, Alex stood on the sidewalk in her high-class hooker heels, stunned and embarrassed, recounting the tale to Simon.Cut back to Sonja greeting Barshop and complimenting her on her nude Miu Miu – which she pronounced “Mewy Mewy.”  Bitch please.  No gay icon mispronounces Miu Miu.

RHNY: Smack Her Back

Blonderexic Alex seems determined to earn her salary this season by working unnecessary drama into every social encounter.  Alex described Jill’s totally neutral hello as “incredibly aggressive.”  What’s incredibly aggressive is Alex’s shameless grab for camera time.  On the way out, Alex invited the group to the equality march across the Brooklyn Bridge in full bridal regalia.Ramona and Sonja headed downtown under the pretense of attending an art benefit co-hosted by new cast member Cindy.  Successful IVF mother of two and owner of a string of waxing salons, Cindy claims to have it all and not need a man.The rest of the crones arrived in different pairs.  Alex got iced out of a few photographs and coped by drowning her pain in free champagne.  Her self-conscious hovering smacks of effort.  I wish effort would smack her back.Once Jill got wind of Cindy’s test tube twins, she had to know every detail about their conception.  First she grilled Kelly, and when that well dried she went right to the source.  When Cindy joined the circle, Jill prefaced her intense inquisition by saying, “Would it be too personal if I asked a couple of questions?”Ramona terrorized interviewed potential assistants, and one after one the ladies wilted in her domineering, critical presence.  Rudemona went so far as to thrust her skincare product on one girl and inform her she didn’t need to be pretty – just pulled together.In the Hamptons, Ramona hosted Alex and Simon for an overnight since all four planned to attend a wedding together.  Over bagels, the busted blonde broads prematurely gloated at the idea of Jill not knowing Alex would be at the event.Ramona and Alex must have shared a crack pipe before they got dressed because they both showed up to a wedding in white/ivory.  Both looked fug and so wrong.  They might as well have given the bride the finger.  Furthermore, considering Bethenny and Jill are both in the shapewear business now, it’s a mystery why Alex can’t grasp the concept of  a proper undergarment.  After the ceremony, Ramona added fuck-up to faux pas when she was overheard talking shit about some other guests (including Cindy’s brother?), thereby causing offense and tense embarrassment.Alex cornered Jill and needled her over lending her name to the equality march but not participating in it.  Throughout the afternoon Jill stewed over the confrontation.  Later, when she took shade with two other ladies, she unleashed on Alex, calling her a “fucking bitch.”  Proving she hasn’t changed much, Jill followed it up by saying, “Look at her.  She is socializing at a party that is so above her.”Alex and Ramona joined the group, and Alex reignited her pecking over whether Jill knew she was going to be at the wedding.  It was a meaningless point to press and just made Alex look petty, desperate, and attention-seeking.Ramona swept the event with an impressive three party fouls.  The final one occurred when Ramona dug her finger into the previously unmolested wedding cake.

Frankel Fatigue

Anyone else feeling mayjah Frankel fatigue?  The second season of her reality show, Bethenny Ever After, hasn’t even begun to air.  Place of Yes: 10 Rules for Getting Everything You Want Out of Life, Frankel’s life advice manifesto, doesn’t come out until March.  Her new skincare line, Honest, ain’t yet available, but already I wish B Frank would be gone.  Pimping on the family platform, Bethenny’s added a number of new endorsement deals to her already crowded stable, including Pampers and British Airways.  Do yoga with Bethenny’s workout DVD.  If that doesn’t work, rumor has it she has a lingerie and shapewear collection coming soon.  Recover from a Skinnygirl hangover with a Skinnygirl cleanse.  Wow, who knew our little Bethenny was an authority on virtually everything?After starting out a Bethenny fan, a meaningful amount of self-reflection was required before I could pinpoint the source of my welling disgust.  So here it is.  We used to be able to rely on Bethenny to call people on their fake bullshit, and now Bethenny personifies that fake bullshit.  Jumping at the opportunity to shill for corporations and leveraging her nascent family to broaden her endorsement appeal demolished her fragile credibility.  Is any aspect of her life uncommodified?  If Frankel will say anything for a buck, then how are fans to decipher between bought Bethenny and earnest Bethenny?  Is it naive to believe there was ever a sincere Bethenny?With Frankel’s assortment of products, a girl can all but transform herself into Bethenny, but is she the kind of skinny bitch any girl really wants to be?