demeter clarc » Real Housewives of New York City

RHNY: une autre femme

DC — Fri, 27 May 2011 07:22:32 +0000

The blondes and the brunettes arrived separately to Marrakesh. LuAnn, Kelly, Jill, and Barshop flew in a day prior and a head space apart from Ramona, Sonja, and Alex.Team blonde worked themselves up over their potential accommodations on the way to the riad. Ramona remarked on the “poverty all over” and Sonja called the surroundings “ookie.” Overcome with paranoia that the locals would make off with her hat collection, Sonja hovered around the van until the staff unloaded the bags.Once unloaded, Rudemona demanded immediate staff assistance in unpacking her cougarific wardrobe and untangling her hideous jewelry. Cindy came upstairs and found some of her clothing unhung which led her to accuse Ramona of stealing her hangers. Shit talking among the bitchy blondes ensued as Barshop retreated for friendlier liked-tressed company after a half-hearted confrontation. Minutes later, LuAnn overcompensated by procuring a dozen hangers and delivering them along with a scolding to Ramona, Alex, and Sonja.The Brunettas hit the design district and conveniently ran into Jill’s ex g-hub Brad. Since he obviously traveled around the world for a little air-time this season, Brad extended an invitation to his birthday party that night at his nearby lodging.While LuAnn and company were shopping, Ramona and Sonja were drinking. By the time the two camps caught up with one another, Ramona and Sonja were straight up sloppy. The Cuntess antagonized Ramona by telling her she looked “amazing” in a tone that sounded less than sincere.Shortly after, a respected Moroccan designer joined the party and offered custom caftans to the ladies. Ramona continued her American good will tour by demanding he tailor the garment to her exacting specifications.Later at Brad’s party – location B&B – not private villa as Jill had hoped, Sonja sucked down coupes de champagne and puffed up in her dress like a bloated camel corpse on a hot Saharan day.Jill worked the hottest look of the season when she donned a snake crown. For the crowd’s further amusement, morally questionable snake versus human shenanigans ensued.

Then the whole party burst into some kind of fucked up Moroccan menopausal flash mob.The party ended with tarot readings for the women. First the fortune teller told Jill she had a good heart, but talked too much. True. Then she told Sonja that she should concentrate on the man and not the money. Also true. Next, the veiled woman foretold another child for Kelly, thereby fulfilling her yearning for a larger family. Better get on that Kel. Finally, Ramona took the hot seat and held the deck over her heart.En Français, the clairvoyant revealed to Ramona that Mario is seeing another woman. Considering Mario’s well-documented eye-wandering history, this divulgement may turn out as accurate as the mystic’s other predictions.Ramona looked more exposed than surprised, and none of the other woman looked particularly shocked either. Sonja and Jill shed a tear at the palpable discomfort of the raw disclosure, Kelly fled the scene, and the Cuntess seemed a little too eager to translate the news for the whole room.Dear friend AMP posed an interesting question, could Brad have intentionally set Ramona up to embarrass her?

RHNY: deformed

DC — Fri, 20 May 2011 08:26:59 +0000

LuAnn and Sonja met up for lunch and pretended to just stumble upon the idea of a girls trip to Morocco that was so obviously planned and underwritten by Bravo. Sonja and LuAnn divided the duty of extending invitations to the other Housewives. In the course of the conversations that followed about Morocco, here are a few ignorant gems that passed the ladies’ lips.“It’s like going to Paris. I mean Paris it’s not, but it’s a very sophisticated city.” (LuAnn claims to have visited Morocco several times; you’d think she’d know it was a country, not a city.)“I’m a little concerned. It’s a third world country. They don’t respect women. I love my family. I don’t want to go away and end up not coming back.” Fear not Ramona, the Kingdom of Morocco will not hesitate to return you.Even though they don’t serve Pinot Grigio, Ramona met up with LuAnn at Alice’s Teacup. The Cuntess laid into Ramona over shit that didn’t concern her. This offensive tactic sent Ramona spinning down a defensive dark rabbit hole.Lady Morgan allegedly landed a toaster oven cookbook deal? The promotional photo shoot took place at her musty townhouse. Kelly stopped by to add her editorial viewpoint, lest we forget about her reign at Elle Accessories. Bensimon got more than she bargain for when Sonja “accidentally” flashed her cooch while writhing about on her dining room table like Tawny Kitaen on the hood of the car in the Whitesnake video.The cliques split for two totally different spa trips. Barshop, still trying to buy her way in, bankrolled a trip to the ultra swank Canyon Ranch for Kelly, Jill, and LuAnn. To add a layer of cream cheese frosting to the already over the top gesture, embroidered robes awaited the ladies upon arrival. Jill couldn’t wait to open her present and did so in the lobby.The Cuntess responded by pretentiously snipping, “Really darling, I mean never open a gift in the middle of a hotel lobby.”While Canyon Ranch offered drum circles and massages, Ramona hosted a different kind of spa visit back in NYC at Dr. Giese’s office. Rudemona summed up her intention with this zinger: “…if you know something great, share it, so I invited both Sonja and Alex to come with me… Let’s face it, they could use a few touch ups.” Alex got dermaplaning (Ed note: this interests me), Sonja got VelaShape, and Ramona got a neck full of Botox. Without a hint of irony, the ladies all met up for an anti-bullying rally that Jill hosted. Ramona brought a case of her eponymous Pinot Grigio that was supposed to be for auction, but upon arrival she shouted at multiple members of the wait staff to crack it open and bring her a glass immediately.Once the Cuntess arrived in a flutter of self-complimentary praise, it was immediately on between her and Ramona over David Meister of all things. Holy fuck this show is D-List, this shit is way more D-List than Kathy Griffin ever was, right? The Cuntess has her twat in a knot because Ramona blacklisted her at Meister. Ramona admitted she’d laid exclusive claim to wearing the rich woman’s Jessica McClintock, and LuAnn called the move “bitchy.” It’s no mystery why LuAnn’s drifting from Ungaro; since the Lindsay debacle things at the fashion house still haven’t recovered.Under the guise of concern, the ladies gossiped through the runway show about Ramona’s excessive day drinking. During an emotional speech by Jill’s stepdaughter, Ramona rattled around in the background trying to procure more of her precious wine for herself the table. When Jill went to investigate the ruckus, Ramona slurred another character-consistent misspeak by describing Jill’s stepdaughter as “deformed.” Minutes later she snapped at the designer’s daughter to clear empty glasses before Alex scurried over in damage control mode.Next week we’ll learn whether Ramona smuggled a few cases of Pinot to Morocco, or if she tried to white knuckle through the forced, tension-filled, faux-fun girls trip.

RHNY: Lady Morgan Likes a Spanking

DC — Fri, 13 May 2011 06:08:10 +0000

Ramona kicked off this week’s episode with a photo shoot aimed at creating promotional shots for her numerous products. Suffice it to say that Ramona’s as good in front of the camera as she is on the runway.The true star of this week’s episode, Chris March, dropped by Sonja’s dated townhouse to revive a fetid wig and costume for her upcoming masquerade ball.A sick Jill met LuAnn at the costume shop to select their attire for Lady Morgan’s Grand Masquerade Ball. LuAnn appropriately gravitated towards the “saloon whore” look.We met Kevin, Cindy’s bland babydaddy. He’s giving us a bit of a grown Dan Humphrey vibe, right?Later on at Sonja’s, Chris returned with the slightly enhanced corset and magnificently transformed wig. Mayjah fucking wig.The Cuntess called off sick. She either contracted the bitch fever from Jill, or she and the French Fonze were recreating Patty and Graham’s Halloween Rapunzel moment from My So-Called Life.The weight of the wig must have restricted the blood flow to Sonja’s brain because she claimed she “forgot” her petticoat which resulted in her serving cottage-cheese ass as an unexpected appetizer at her otherwise sparsely catered soiree.Jill reported that Sonja had a nice handprint sized bruise on her ass cheek. Lady Morgan likes a spanking!At Serafina, Ramona hosted a launch party for her new vino. She ran into Jennifer, whose wedding was the backdrop for mucho drama earlier in the season. Jennifer is clearly angling to be RHNYC‘s version of Jersey’s Kim G. She needled her way into the drama by working Ramona up into a frenzy over some comments Jill made at Jennifer’s wedding reception.When Jill arrived, Ramona pulled her aside to confront her about the accusations. Jill shifted the blame to another guest and got defensive. The two started screaming at each other in a staged scene before Jill dramatically stormed out.On the way out, Jill conveniently ran into Jennifer and the two squashed the beef in about two minutes. With renewed courage, Jill returned to the gathering and reignited Ramona’s crazed shrieking.When Jill subtly gestured to Ramona’s wine class and said “you need help, I’m serious..” Ramona made a hasty retreat, sobered by the threat of public exposure of her drinking problem. As if we all don’t already know that shit. We watch Ramona embalm herself in Pinot Grigio at every opportunity. As we learned last week, failure to provide Pinot results in automatic forfeiture of friendship. Ramona Singer + Kim Richards + Celebrity Rehab = Epic Awesomeness