Bethenny acted confounded that Perez posted her pregnancy.  Bitch you took a God Damn pregnancy test in front of a fucking camera crew.  Don’t act like suddenly that shit is sacred and secret.  Bethenny plotted to exploit this baby from conception and has put everything up for sale along the way.The Cuntess visited Sonja’s pied-à-merde when Jill called to dis her informal invitations and discuss the Bethenny pregnancy bombshell.Jill seemed to think she was entitled to have an opinion on the status of Bethenny’s uterus.  None of the three had any details, so they rehashed their own pregnancy war stories before deciding Bethenny didn’t warrant an invite to Cuntess’s Couture and Cocktails event.

Meanwhile, Bethenny attempted bump-watch damage control at her Upper East Side efficiency.  She unceremoniously dropped the revelation on Jason without preamble.  He was understandably upset that the news broke before he had a chance to tell his parents and friends. Bethenny proclaimed that she had to confirm the pregnancy.  Bullshit.  Bethenny did not have to confirm her pregnancy that early.  Yes, people read Perez, but no one considers him a legitimate or accurate news source.  She could have easily kept her mouth shut and bought herself some time.  Bethenny used her pregnancy to gain traction for her spin-off and probably dropped the tip on Perez herself.Don’t believe her poor-me lack of privacy song and dance.  To put it in perspective, Sandra Bullock adopted a child at the height of her Oscar race frenzy and she was able to keep it under wraps.  If A-list, hyper-examined Sandra Bullock can keep an adopted child secret for months, Bethenny easily could have kept her news quiet.Jill met up with Jennifer Gilbert (new housewife?) to plan an ice skating themed holiday party:  Zarin’s Holiday Party on Ice.  After name-dropping Donald Trump, the two considered whether Jill should do a solo skating number for the crowd.  Seriously?  Sounds like Jill’s super sweet sixteen.  Fucking Gross.

Sonja brought Ramona to Dr. Bellin’s office for a plastic surgery consult on her “pooch.”Ramona questioned the Doc’s credentials and ran him through his paces as he looked regretful he’d let a camera crew in his office.  Sonja thinks her belly is her problem when it is actually her personality that could use an upgrade.

Bethenny broke the pregnancy news to Alex who seemed genuinely enthusiastic about sharing gestational intel.Jill had the audacity to send Bethenny an email directing her how and when to disseminate the pregnancy news.  This lead Alex to encourage Bethenny to let her deliver a message to Jill that “Bethenny’s done!”  Alex, having built up a significant amount of animosity towards Jill over the past three years was more than happy to confront Jill on Bethenny’s behalf. Jill and Bobby taped a segment for the local news, and when I say Jill and Bobby, I mean Jill let Bobby get three words out before she hijacked the interview leaving him looking like a confused senior citizen.  Nice suit though Bobby.Sonja met up with her psychic to discuss her potential tummy tuck.  The most notable part of this scene was the full size self-portrait hanging in the background.  I only thought women in the South hung life-size self-portraits of themselves in their homes.What the fuck is Kelly wearing to Ramona’s Tru Renewal launch?  Bright-ass red hot pants, totally appropriate.Jill criticized every possible aspect of the event.  First she nit-picked Ramona’s brochure picture, then the unoriginality of the product, and even the healthiness of the food, all to avenge Ramona for “ruining” her Kodak event.Alex arrived and shortly thereafter Ramona received a bottle of congratulatory Pinot Grigio from Bethenny with a pregnancy confessing card attached.  Alex and Ramona bragged that they had already heard through Twitter, and Jill ignited at not being the first to know. Alex bragged that she had talked to Bethenny for forty-five minutes about the pregnancy that afternoon before the People article came out.  Twitter, People, oh no, Bethenny’s not a shameless press hound exploiting her unborn child for fame.Alex painfully delayed the message ratcheting the anticipation through the rafters.  By the time she actually spit it out, the crowd had already turned on her.It goes without saying that it was not Alex’s place to deliver Bethenny’s animus to Jill, but if she felt compelled to get involved she should have been more strategic.  Alex aimed to humiliate Jill, but her amateur approach left her looking like the asshole and Jill in tears.

Alex brought maternity jeans to Bethenny along with a recap of the debacle from the night before.  Alex confessed that confronting Jill had more to do with her underlying anger than her allegiance to Bethenny. Bethenny could clearly give a fuck.  She has her man, morning sickness, media frenzy, a spin-off, and is taking her empire to the next level leaving behind these petty cows for greener pastures.

At Zarin’s Upper East Side shitstorm, Jill summoned for an veterinarian that does house calls (AKA, your friend Abby’s daughter Cindy from the synagogue) to address Ginger’s digestive issues.  Jill’s been knee deep in it all season and this was no exception.  Was this really the best footage Bravo had to start the hour?  Gross.  Moving on…

Over at the Borough, Bethenny broke engagement news to Alex.  I’m guessing we’ll see the proposal footage on Bethenny’s Getting Married, you know that shit did not go unfilmed.  Side note to Alex, no one wants quiche. Bethenny grimaced at the idea of a Central Park carriage princess wedding, but she filmed her “low-key” nuptials for a fucking reality show.

Ladies, when you announce your engagement don’t assume that everyone wants to see your ring.  Save the tacky unsolicited gesticulation; offer your hand only if asked.

Ramona and her little cunt in training Avery sat down to a little mother-daughter lunch where Avery’s pretentious ass special ordered a dish not on the menu.

Truffle oil?  Okay Blair Waldorf.  By the way, clear braces aren’t fooling anyone.  Avery has thirteen year old foundation issues.  Mothers, guide your daughters away from the nasty orange Cover Girl base.

Even though she’s a condescending snot, Avery’s perceptive enough to see Ramona’s vow renewal for what it is – an unabashed grab for camera time, and she clearly wants no part of it, but Ramona wore her down with the crazy.

In search of her pied-à-terre, Countess LuAnn faced the cold, harsh reality of the post-divorce NYC housing market.  After looking at a couple of 9 by Design looking joints downtown, she realized she is, in the immortal words of Billy Joel, “an uptown girl.”

You can spring for a building with a doorman, but that is just going to lull you into a false sense of security.  Your doorman is not going to lay his life down for you or anything, so if you want to pay extra for someone to collect your packages, have at it, but don’t trick yourself into believing it is any safer.

At Pierre’s, Sonja and LuAnn discussed the negative behavioral side-effects of taking Adderall for weight loss.  Sonja was concerned her Sagittarian nature paired with the Adderall might further impede her ability to self-edit.  By the way, railing that shit will make you jitterier than Nic Cage on tax day, Trust.  Don’t fuck with that pharmy shit, it’s nasty.Kelly bristled at the notion that she and Sonja shared a man in the form of Max.  Kelly thinks she has a platinum pussy or something.  Kelly worked to create the impression that Sonja was much more into Max than she was, but we all remember her throwing herself all over him in those stupid fucking rain boots last season.

Sonja pointedly inquired as to whether Giles stepped out on Kelly during their marriage and the conversation turned really awkward as it became clear all three of these women were cheated on by their husbands. RHNY quick-study Sonja took the opportunity to discuss all the suitors rotating in and out of LuAnn’s cooch — which has become a fun weekly tradition this season.

Kelly, retire the fucking doily dresses.  You wore a similar grandma lacy frock on Labor Day.  Fugly then, fugly now, fugly forever.Did Sonja actually bust out a pashmina?Bethenny worked the party announcing her engagement.  Kelly broke the news to Jill and LuAnn in her typical non sequitur, self-important manner.“First news flash is that I’m dressing really feminine.  That’s a big news flash.  The second news flash, Bethenny’s engaged.”What is this random bitch talking about?  Right after Kelly broke the news, Jason came over to the Witches of Eastwick to lap up congratulations and troll for hugs.  Why is he trolling hugs from Jill anyway?

LuAnn congratulated Bethenny and then confronted her about the Jill Stuart fash-attack.  Bethenny apologized looking like she just wanted to dismiss the whole thing away so it wouldn’t sully her big night. LuAnn took it and ran into the arms of a nearby bachelor, thereby reinforcing her burgeoning reputation as the biggest slutbag on the Upper East Side.Jill, alienated by not being at the center of the engagement brouhaha, vacillated all night over whether to congratulate Bethenny.  After rounding up Bobby for moral support, Jill decided she better say something or risk looking shitty in front of her adoring public.Bethenny, Jason, Ramona, and Mario congregated outside waiting for their cars and talking shit when Jill rushed out abrasively calling Bethenny’s name.  Her anxiety was palpable and the whole exchange felt very insincere and forced.Jill nervously focused her enthusiasm on the ring while Bethenny iced her.  Bethenny and Jill are over and I’m over it too.

The most interesting part of the whole exchange was when Jill was fawning over the ring and Jason directed Bethenny, “Babe, Babe, Smile!” Who the fuck are you Jason?  You just fucking got here.  Don’t start telling people how and when to emote.  This is foreshadowing people, Bethenny does not like to be told what to do.

Hey Ramona, 2001 called and it wants its velour tracksuit back.  Apparently Ramona missed the irony in calling Bethenny a press monger when she is blatantly promoting her own dreadful jewelry with that hideous t-shirt.“At least I have friends, you have no friends!  Who are your friends?  You have nobody in your life right now.  You have Jason and you’ll probably mess that up too!”  Rameana preaches the truth, but did she have to yell it off the Brooklyn Bridge?Bethenny tried to suppress her tears as she croaked out a disorganized defense.  Personally, I would have launched Ramona and her ugly jumpsuit right over the bridge.  I’ll wrestle a bitch, I don’t give a fuck. Nice jeggings Simon.

I wish Kelly would crawl into her “trend-driven cap” and die.  This bitch’s profound stupidity offends.  Let’s move on shall we?Here’s a little tip for Use Your Head, the high-end thrift shop, if you want to unload $2,800 second-hand Lanvin maybe you should take it off those cheap, plastic, thrift-store hangers.  That store is SCREAMING for a merchandiser.  In the immortal words of Joan Crawford, “No Wire Hangers!”

I personally think LuAnn’s comments about the darkness of Jill’s guest room constituted one of those digs disguised as compliments that Bethenny was talking about a couple episodes back.  That bedroom is a hot mess though; guess it wasn’t part of last year’s redecorating.  Speaking of redecorating, are Jill and Brad – her main gay – on the outs?  I haven’t seen him all season.Jill summited the peak of ostentation by fanning around her Saks Diamond credit card in front of LuAnn.  Jill, we aren’t stupid, we know you are getting kick backs from Saks for all the on-screen name-dropping.

Ladies that run out and buy the new Louis Vuitton bag (or whatever the handbag of the moment might be), have no innate sense of style.  Logo bags are for those who need to be told what to wear, what is fashionable, and what looks expensive.  Whether she’s draped in Louis Vuitton or not, you can take the girl out of Long Island, but not the Long Island out of the girl.Furthermore Jill, nobody wants your stinky canine in her bed when she is sleeping over.  You are the only one that loves that evil little dog.  Keep your farting dog the hell away from your guest bed.  Skills for life folks, when people visit your house they are just being polite when they tell you your kids and pets are cute.  In truth, both your pet and your kids are fucking annoying and you should put both away when guests come over.At the Brooklyn Fashion Weekend model casting, Bethenny confided in Alex regarding her father’s ailing health.  Bethenny confides in Alex because Alex is a good listener and isn’t judgey. Rushing cross country to a sick parent’s bedside is no fun, and I sympathize with Bethenny.  I was sad to hear her say later in the episode that her father wouldn’t see her.  I sincerely hope she and her father reached some level of reconciliation before he passed last year. Kelly entered, oddly secretive about her fragrance, and pontificated about the grueling lives of human clothes hangers known as models.  Ramona joined the gathering and hatched the plot for Ambush 2010 before Bethenny bolted to catch her flight to L.A.

Jill trudged it over to Brooklyn, hateful little dog in tow, to feign interest in Alex and her grubby children.  Jill was visibly upset that she hadn’t been included in Brooklyn Fashion Weekend.  This is not a woman who likes to be out the loop.  Alex tried to get Jill to reconsider her staunch anti-Bethenny stance to no avail.  Alex nailed it when she said Jill was a scorekeeper.  Jill’s cold-hearted response to the news about Bethenny’s father made her look like a filthy hypocrite.  All this spite is aging you Jill! Francois is quite the little climber though, isn’t he?

Bethenny taught us an important lesson here; if you have to face your enemy — go in looking your best.  Bethenny hasn’t looked better this season. Jill’s resistance to talk stemmed from the illegitimate basis of her anger towards Bethenny, but she was trapped and forced into the discussion.  When they started talking it became clear that these two will never reconcile.  The bottom-line is that Jill’s a jealous bitch, and she’s not evolved enough to overcome it.  Ramona and LuAnn shamelessly eavesdropped until the Countess couldn’t stand it anymore and interrupted first with tea then to drag Jill away.  Bethenny’s right, the Countess would sooner give up her title than see Jill and Bethenny make up.

Once Bethenny split the Upper East Side ambush, all Jill’s frustration turned to Ramona, and you could literally see the storm clouds gather and fear flood Ramona’s face as the Countess and Jill turned on her like a couple of hungry hyenas.Realizing she just acted like a total bitch for the whole world to see, Jill finally broke down in a self-pitying sob. Jill you are wrong, you have been too hard on her, and you are acting like a hateful, covetous wench.  It’s official, TEAM BETHENNY!

Now, how long till Kitson prints up t-shirts?

Watching a forty-one year old woman play coy gives me serious agita.  Having attended the LuAnn De Lesepps School of Compliment Fishing, Kelly baited journalist Mike, “What was I doing when I was posing naked?  Tell me!”  This dude works for Playboy; you think he remembers your leathery cans from the thousands of others he’s seen?It’s hilarious for someone who presents herself as “on the pulse” that Kelly‘s never heard of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, (part of the Millennium Trilogy by Stieg Larsson) – a huge international bestseller that has already been made into a major movie released this very week in the United States.  As for meditating, Kelly’s head is already as empty as a keg after a frat party.  What noise does she have to clear?Did Jill really think that Ally wanted Kelly at her Seventeen shoot?  Kelly’s presence totally took the attention off Ally and inviting her was a self-serving move on Jill’s part.  I’m surprised Ally didn’t shove a sock in her Mom’s mouth. 

Brooklyn Fashion Weekend?  Please let’s not.  Of course Alex is the ambassador for Brooklyn Fashion Weekend, so fifth tier, but the event served a convenient pretext for getting Ramona, Alex, Bethenny, and Kelly together.Kelly and Ramona go once around over the tit offensive which segued nicely into a rehash of last year’s Bethenny-Kelly bar brawl.  Ramona, Spanx displayed, loudly interrupted the bickering with a self-important announcement about leaving her office in the middle of the day.  Fortuitously, Simon showed up and shifted the energy.During the parade of ugly clothes, Ramona and Alex slipped on comparably less heinous selections while Bethenny and Kelly pretended to bury the hatchet for the fourteenth time.

Ramona and Joni’s lunch at the Fig & Olive sent me into “renewal” overload.  Ramona clearly has some unresolved issues stemming from her relationship with her parents.  During her mid-lunch meltdown, her face reddened, yet somehow remained completely immobile.  Botox freaks me out ya’ll.

Back at Kelly’s, an email arrived from Jill which jettisoned us all back to middle school.  Jill informed Kelly that she better clique up or risk a beat down.  Nut-up Jill, fight your own battles, and stop trying to get everyone to gang up against Bethenny.The Countess, using the Zarin’s pied-à-terre as her NYC landing pad, snuggled into Jill’s couch just in time for Bethenny’s speakerphone confrontation.  This was Jill’s opportunity to squelch the beef, but she stoked the flames by making the conversation more of a performance than a meaningful exchange. The fight between these two has more to do with a palpable power shift rather than Bethenny’s failures toward Bobby.  To appear sympathetic, Jill strategically used Bobby’s illness as a platform from which to launch attacks on Bethenny.  Jill’s jealously and anger towards Bethenny could not be less about Bobby, and leveraging her husband’s cancer in this way is just gross and ultimately disingenuous.  Bobby is a better man than Jill deserves.Jill blew it.  Bethenny extended the olive branch and Jill swatted it away.  At this point, Jill deserves all the heat coming her way.  She should stop playing the victim and accept responsibility for her part of this conflict whether she wants to mend things with Bethenny or not.While Bethenny has never been more unlikable, Jill’s stubborn, grudge-holding behavior really showed her true colors – and in this case, that color is a lovely shade of envy green.