Tag Archives: reality

Did You Watch Lindsay??!

LINDSAY LOHAN OWNLet me summarize.  According to Lindsay, every aspect of her life is a potential danger to her sobriety.  Promoting a movie overseas?  Too risky.  Leaving the hotel room?  Too many photographers.  She doesn’t seem to realize that total imprisonment with a sober coach would make anybody want to use.  Mostly the program consists of Lindsay painstakingly sorting her clothing and jewelry in different venues.  Watching her try to match earrings is like watching a crackhead play Concentration.  The “docu series” manages a peculiar blend of messy and mundanely boring. LINDSAY LOHAN SORTS JEWELRY

WANG GAMES: It’s not that gay

Anybody else catch the incredibly awkward, uncomfortable, and unintentional coming out party two guys had on Love Games: Bad Girls Need Love Too?  (Don’t judge me haughty bitches.)Mike and Chris played helicopter wangs and then locked themselves in the bathroom for a little “private time.”  Neither bothered to think up a good explanation for the co-bathtime behavior, so Chris panicked and blurted to the assembled group that he was taking a dump and Michael came in to take a shower.  The lame-ass cover did nothing to quell the suspicions of man-on-man fun. Michael neither confirmed nor denied, but his face gave away everything.  Chris looked nauseous as it dawned on him his parents and homophobic friends were going to definitely watch this.  His little Gaultier T-Shirt isn’t helping. Michael was eliminated because (surprise, surprise) none of the girls thought he was very into them (maybe because he was four inches into Chris’ asshole instead?).

 

Bethenny Ever After: baptism by fire and Brynstone

This week’s Bethenny Ever After reminded us just how offensive folks can be while hiding behind a shield of overprotective parenting philosophies.  Gina brought the Hoppy Family outside the ivory towers of TriBeCa to Brooklyn to enjoy the Yoruba–Orisha Baptist Church.  Those of you who paid attention in undergrad may remember Yoruba as a religion geographically rooted in Nigeria and Benin, that traveled with the people, and subsequently flourished in parts of the Caribbean and South America.  The flavor of this particular church blends Christian Baptist and Yoruba traditions.Bethenny and Jason marveled at the congregants like they were a tribe of primitive aboriginals.  The two commented on their “exotic” dress and head-wear as Bravo layered the cheapest canned “island beats” they could afford into the background.Even though every single other woman in the room had their head covered, Bethenny didn’t seem to take the hint that she needed to cover her hair as a sign of respect, so one of the women helped her out by offering a scarf.  Despite the obvious religious significance, both Bethenny and Jason seemed to confuse the gesture of humility with a fashion statement and giggled like school kids about the aesthetic.Instead of wondering about whether her Fredrick’s of Hollywood hand-me-down lingerie was supporting those billowy garments (sidebar: Who the fuck donates skanky used lingerie to a baptist church?), it should have occurred to Bethenny to cover her legs, or better yet, her crotch when visiting a place of worship.  The concept of modesty as a gesture of reverence apparently never entered her mind.The tour through Offensiville didn’t stop there.  Jason thought it appropriate to crack several jokes about “The Spirit” entering Bryn, and generally mocked the traditions of the congregation, all while sitting front row in a church that took special effort to honor his family.Based on the footage shown, it is pretty difficult to ascertain exactly how many conversations transpired between Gina and the Parents Hoppy prior to the event, but it is pretty obvious that there was a failure to manage expectations all around.Clearly, the blessing was indeed a baptism.  Specifically, the words “that she may be baptized with water received into Christ’s Holy Church” were uttered, and admittedly it doesn’t get much more baptismal than that.Jason just kept repeating, “it’ll be over in a minute.”  Pastor Wilkinson cradled Bryn and dabbed water on her forehead as the congregation sang and clapped.  Bethenny completely lost her shit and told Gina she wasn’t comfortable with all these black people touching her white babyShe started to maneuver around the group looking for an opening to snatch Bryn back.  When she got her opportunity, she grabbed the baby and made a run for it – right down the aisle out the church doors onto the sidewalk.Gina kept assuring the couple, against the weight of the evidence, that it wasn’t a baptism. Jason’s panties were especially knotted over the fact that his parents missed the impromptu saving.  Always with the parents Jason – seriously, enough with the parents already.Back at home, Bethenny and Jason reinforced each other’s bad behavior and justified their over-reaction by chalking it up to primal parenting instincts.  Weirder yet, the experience convinced Bethenny that she wanted Bryn baptized Catholic – because the church has such a sterling history with children?Since fame has replaced her non-paid friends, Bethenny asked Julie to be Bryn’s Godmother.  Julie seemed genuinely touched, and she does heart Bryn.On the day of the christening, Father Daly kept calling Bethenny “Brittany,” and limply phoned-in what was likely his fortieth baby bath of the year.  Of the two ceremonies, who wouldn’t prefer Gina’s jubilation and song over Father Daly’s anointing oil and an evil-nature-of-man ethos?

Team Gina!

Child Please, This is only the beginning…

Evelyn revealed a long-kept secret on last week’s Basketball Wives finale.  Perhaps angling for some extra camera time this season, Evelyn confessed to smashing Tami’s husband, Kenny Anderson, back in the day.  Tami took it as well as you might imagine. Several years after Lozada and Anderson’s affair, the tables have turned.  Now Evelyn’s engaged to marry rumored pussy-hound Chad Ochocinco.The Roman Candle proved payback’s a bitch when she dropped this delish doozy on part one of the reunion…

“So then I don’t need to tell you I fucked Chad.” And then Evelyn’s face looked like this. And then Royce broke out dancing.  In the immortal words of Mr. Ochocinco himself,Child Please, This is only the beginning.

Bethenny Ever After: Sweet Home Hazelton

We caught up with Jason and Bethenny contemplating baby number two in the face of B’s big 4-0.  After day-dreaming about the “baby stage,” Bethenny snapped back to business by complaining to Jason that Skinnygirl production can’t keep up with demand.Bethenny asked Jason to look into the delays, but he seemed concerned about commingling family and business any further.  At least he tells it to her straight, like when he said there are “going to be times when I’m like, enough Bethenny today.”  You tell her Jason – and Bethenny, if you are the mogul you claim, nut-up and solve your own damn booze production issues.It wouldn’t be a real reunion with Frankel without the obligatory boob show.  B and her hanger-on Lauren hit Linda’s for some new over-the-shoulder-boulder-holders.  According to Linda, Bethenny’s a 30G or 32FF!  Bethenny made sure we all know she got her 22 inch waist back after giving birth by standing around and flaunting her milkshake while bitching about visiting Jason’s parents.Apparently, Jason sees his parents every two weeks and Bethenny sees them every three weeks!  Holy-fucking-in-laws-dude, that’s some serious visitation.  Is this what people are doing?  Brassiere-whisperer Linda says once a month is appropriate, and even that sounds a little too frequent.  Jason’s parents spend two nights at Bethenny and Jason’s every month which would absolutely lead me to suicide.  So now we know why Jason was 39 and unmarried: he’s a major mama’s boy.  Did Bethenny know what she was signing up for?After a drawn out trip out to Jason’s hometown in Hazelton, Pennsylvania, the three arrived to an enthusiastic welcome from doting grandparents, Carol and Bob.

That afternoon, Jason took Bethenny to the local hot dog haunt where a “fan” came over to Bethenny and gushed.  Something about the whole exchange felt unnatural and Bravo-constructed.As tension built through the afternoon, it served as the amuse-bouche to the main course of conflict which rolled out before the appetizers even hit the table.  Previously, Jason and Bethenny discussed moving to California.  Jason really wants another baby, but is reluctant to move.  Bethenny really wants to explore her opportunities in Los Angeles and is willing to try for another baby in exchange for a cross-country relocation.  This type of baby-bargaining is always ill-advised, but even worse is busting out with the whole scheme to your parents before thoroughly discussing it with your spouse.  Cue Jason and his total lack of filter.Jason sums it up by saying, “She’ll give me a second child if we move to California.”  And this was Carol’s response.Carol and Bob immediately began to panic that Bryn would “forget them.”  Jason has spent his whole life trying to make it up to his parents that his brother died.  He even admits that he tries to be the perfect son.  He can’t bring himself to disappoint them, even for his wife.Both Bethenny and Jason spilled their tea (copyright MWY) all over the table by spiraling into a full-on argument in front of the world’s sweetest and most suffocating grandparents.  Bethenny complained that Jason never lets them experience anything as a nuclear family, like when Bryn reaches a milestone, he’s immediately on the phone with his parents.The next day, the visitation issue resurfaced.  After Bob passive-aggressively whined about looking forward to the days when Bryn can stay the whole summer(!) and Carol rebounded by asking what they’d all be doing for Thanksgiving (after a fun family Halloween of course), Bethenny finally lost her shit.  “We have to do some things on our own as our own little family too…we love coming here, but I want it to be that I like coming here, and I like when you come to us, not that it becomes something we have to do.  That’s the total honest truth.”Later, Bethenny and Jason hit the local dive bar for some $2.50 u-call-it-wells.  At first Bethenny was a little snobby (think Reese Witherspoon’s turn in the small town bar in Sweet Home Alabama), but after a few cocktails Jason’s local buddies began to win her over with their folksy charm.  By the end of the night, through a vodka-haze, bitch shed a big city tear over some “roots” talk from stool-warmer Smitty.If this hometown visit proved nothing else, it is that these two really don’t know each other at all.  In Bethenny’s own words, the couple is “drastically different.”  No shit.  These two met, married, and reproduced in less than 18 months, and most of it was filmed for TV.  Now they are surprised that in that time they haven’t uncovered one another’s true selves?  As if starring on a reality show lends itself to authenticity?  Maybe that’s why B’s still in therapy.

FEBRUARY 2011 HOROSCOPES

AquariusAubrey O’Day (February 11, 1984)

In the soda fountain of life, Aquarius provides the bubbly carbonation.  Likable, easy-going, but still reliable, Aquarius make great friends.  However, the propensity towards adventure, travel, and moving on-to-the-next makes for a complicated love life.  Vacation sex was made for this sign, as was the cliché, “easy come, easy go.” Just remember the same cannot be said about the herp, so don’t be an airhead.  When patience seems in short supply this month, forgive short-comings with magnanimity.

PiscesDina Manzo (March 7, 1971)

Pisces, always trying to adapt and accommodate, sometimes even without an awareness to the sacrifice.  Feminine and negative in nature, it is your very mutability that attracts some and frustrates others.  It also tends to make you awesome in bed.  One of those fringe friends lurking about might be ready to step up to the plate.  Prepare a game-changing outfit for Valentine’s Day.

Aries   Jeff Lewis (March 24, 1970)

Attention-loving Aries start (and often finish) the party.  The spark that ignites the fun fire, no gathering is truly worthwhile without you.  February isn’t the best month to get slizzard.  Now is the time to turn inward and decide for sure what you want.  A task master at heart, getting your priorities in line will set the course for the immediate future.  With a plan in place, anxiety subsides.

TaurusTabatha Coffey (May 17, 1969)

House guests may be on the horizon for Taurus as this is a fabulous time for hosting.  Avoid serious home-improvement projects, or you’ll end up in a fit of frustration on the floor.  Try not to fixate on all the little annoyances that accompany visitors.  Call upon that famous Taurean patience to help you endure the irritations.  No visitors?  Look forward to a little of your favorite thing – hibernation.

GeminiFarrah Abraham (May 31, 1991)

Loosey goosey spending habits have you in the lurch this month.  Hopefully, you had the good sense to set aside a little safety net.  Money worries will have you seriously preoccupied, which could cause fallout in other areas of life left unattended.  You have a bad habit of learning life’s lessons the hard way.  Get off the carousel of mistakes.

CancerPauly D (July 5, 1980)

Moon-child Cancer, this month looks good for your bank account and bad for your genitals.  When romanticism takes over, you leap without a net, which often results in bitter disappointment.  Be careful about expecting reciprocation this early on; best to let yourself be the object of the chase this time.  Don’t even think of spending that extra dough.

LeoTiffani Faison (August 20, 1977)

The most likable person ever is a humble Leo.  Unfortch, the rarity of humility among Leos makes the combination of those two words a virtual oxymoron.  February brings the potential for a real Leo ego bath.  Resist the temptation to fill up the tub with your own self-satisfaction.  You’ll get out smelling like it, and trust me, it stinks.

VirgoCamille Grammer (September 2, 1968)

Avoid making contracts, leases, and long-term commitments this month.  The key word for February is maintain.  Keep the schedule mellow and leave room for unexpected fun.  Aflutter with the New Year, your charisma wins people over.  Enjoy the shine and don’t let your oversensitivity ruin it.

LibraAlex McCord (October 1, 1973)

After staring at the same four walls all winter, you are ready to spruce up your space.  February is the time for freshening your interiors, so think about clearing the way for new inspiration.  As a sign that recognizes and appreciates the importance of aesthetics, this should be a satisfying creative experience.  Apply self-discipline and clean first to avoid stirring up dust.

ScorpioEva Marcille (October 30, 1984)

No matter what the situation, you always have an opponent.  Why is that?  Do you realize that not everyone lives in a constant state of conflict?  Chill with the power plays this month and try to enjoy a little peace.  Interpersonal balance pays career dividends – nobody wants to work with a self-important asshole.

SagittariusNeNe Leakes (December 13, 1967)

Big thinkers, Sagittarians are typically well-traveled and well-educated.  The curse of this sign is the unrelenting itchy restlessness.  Friends keep you busy this month.  Make sure to select budget-conscious activities to avoid a financial pickle.  Back up your hard drive – literally and figuratively.

Capricorn Kyle Richards (January 11, 1969)

Venus influences the vibe this month and so you’ll be extra delectable to all those around you.  Expect several invitations.  That isn’t to say that other complications might not arise.  Unresolved issues swept under the rug in January come back to spoil the social sundae.  Cash flow is abundant this month, but your eye for detail, not so much.  Get a second pair of eyes to review any important documents before signing.

Joan & Melissa: Joan Knows Best?

Are you watching?  Please tell me you are watching.  Joan’s got a new program people, and it does not disappoint.Joan moves in with the (still) insufferable Melissa in L.A.  From the get, Joan hates her room and has serious concerns about Dominica, the Scandinavian nanny. Bad-ass granny Joan Rivers is the best possible influence for her slightly fruity grandson.  She’s arrived at the don’t-give-a-fuck stage of life, freeing her to whip a wet towel of blunt honesty to the bare asses of all those around her.  In a sea of bullshit programming, Rivers is a buoy of straight-talking truth.  There are for sure some fake, contrived aspects, but especially on a celebrity-centered reality show, setups are an unavoidable part of the deal. Joan & Melissa: Joan Knows Best? – look into it for sure.  Need more?  On the first episode, Joan gets shut down by three different doctors who refused to do additional plastic surgery.