Tag Archives: reality

I love you Leonard

MTV SLEDNECKSWhen I was in Vegas a few weeks ago, I got sucked into Slednecks, a reality show on MTV profiling the weather-beaten drunken youth of Alaska.  The doughy-ass boys aren’t cute, but they are endearing.  What’s the saying?  The odds are good, but the goods are odd.  You’d think with the Alaskan guy-to-girl ratio the girls would have some slimmer pickins.  For real, these dudes give whale blubber new meaning. TOSCA AND TREVOR SLEDNECKS Somehow most of the women remain bronzed, hard-bodied goddesses proving the technology of the spray tan has crept all the way to the Arctic Circle.  The women of Slednecks are fucking tough.  Like blow your couch up, crack a beer bottle over your head, push you down the stairs, knock you the fuck out tough.  All drunken shenanigans aside, the true treasure of the show is master boat-maker Leonard who dispenses old bear Alaskan wisdom like Yoda.  I love him.  I want to go to Alaska just so he can tell me I’m trouble.LEONARD SLEDNECKS

 

Seen

MYSTERY GIRLSFor research and curiosity’s sake, I watched the first two episodes of Tori Spelling’s new scripted series Mystery Girls.  While one might think a Jennie Garth/Tori Spelling nostalgia combo platter would be comforting, in actuality it’s just depressing (not to mention poorly written).  I’m starting to think Tori Spelling lives her whole life as though it was episodic television.  Skip Mystery Girls in favor of Cabin FeverTori and Dean’s Canadian lake cabin renovation reality show filmed last year before all the cheating drama went public.  Some of the renovation ideas are cute and clever.  The kids show up, and I was so happy to see precious Patsy.  Bear witness to the last days of Tori & Dean.  Trouble finding Cabin Fever?  That’s because the reality-renovation show’s marooned on Great American Country (yeah, apparently that’s a network).  CABIN FEVERI’ve seen Obvious Child.  Twice.  I don’t want to tell you what to think about it, but I recommend you support this movie in the theater.  We need more projects like this one funded and available in wide release.  Gaby Hoffman is everything.  I need her to doula my baby.  Jenny Slate, you were on the brink of alienating us with your conspicuous, showy, enduring display of impossibly toned abs.  OBVIOUS CHILDI finally got around to watching Orange is the New Black.  (Thanks Lisa&Paul.)  Well worth your time, but I warn you binge watching that show locked me into such an incarcerated headspace.  I’m late on the bandwagon, so I won’t bother repeating how well-written, diverse, and interesting OITNB is… just get around to it if you haven’t already.OITNB

 

Dear Tori, I don’t believe you.

(This is an unsolicited letter to Tori Spelling.  It is full of mean-spirited judgment and opinions and shouldn’t be taken seriously.)POOR TORI

Dear Tori,

I’m calling bullshit on you True Tori.  I don’t believe you didn’t know Dean was cheating.  I don’t believe that “Emily Goodhand” is the first and only affair.  If “Emily Goodhand” indeed exists, she’s obviously been paid for her contractually obligated silence.  I suspect there’s been a series of Goodhands in Dean’s pants.TORI DEAN THERAPY

You boo-fucking-hoo in therapy about wanting Dean to nurture you like a baby.  You’re a big girl.  You’re just unaccustomed to difficult times because your whole life has been cushioned by money and fame.  If I had to deal with your needy princess attitude, I would cheat on you too.  Where did you get the misguided notion that you are entitled to a fairy tale when you stole another woman’s husband?  He’s a cheater.  You’re a cheater.  Since you’re both morally lax filthy homewreckers, the demise of your ill-conceived relationship is a surprise to no one (least of all your cast aside ex-spouses).TRUE TORI UGLY CRY

Mrs. McDermott, you claim you can’t express anger.  Please, it’s obvious you are expressing your anger by forcing Dean to participate in a public flogging.  You just didn’t suspect the self-righteous masses to throw a few rotten tomatoes at your hypocritical ass too.  No one buys your poor, poor, Tori reality show narrative arc.  You are not a victim.  You made a series of selfish and immature decisions that have landed you in a shitbox.  You are the architect of your own misfortune.TRUE TORI KITCHEN FIGHT

Tori, I don’t believe you really had a migraine.  Photo-phobia is a common symptom for migraine suffers.  When I have a migraine, the room must be pitchblack.  You were basking in your hospital bed in full makeup with natural light pouring in from the windows in addition to the Lifetime camera crew’s bright-ass lighting rig.  The tide of public opinion has turned so strongly against you that I’m accusing you of scraping the bottom of the pity ploy barrel with a faked health crisis.  As an added bonus, the migraine spell conveniently forced Dean to nurture you like a baby.TORI HOSPITAL

With regard to your parenting, you should be ashamed.  Your own narcissistic desire for fame has clearly usurped the part of your brain and soul that houses your common sense, compassion, self-respect, and maternal instinct.  What kind of mother sells her divorce story despite the damage it will cause her offspring?  Those kids know everything, TRUST.  Thanks to Mom, now the whole mess is saved for posterity in the form of a low-rated Lifetime reality show.DEAN AND HATTIE

As for the future, Dean’s an opportunist.  I don’t think he’s ever cared about anyone but himself.  He isn’t going to change.  He’s not a good actor even when he’s trying to feign contrition to save his own ass.  If you stay together, he will continue to cheat.  If you don’t, you’ll be a divorced mom with 4 kids paying alimony to a cheating ex who’s out banging chicks.DEAN MCDERMOTT CHICKSAs my Mother told me often as a child: life is not fair.  People have suffered far greater tragedies than this.  You’ll survive.  Even though you are acting like a pathetic fool, we still all want the best for you.  Donna Martin Graduates!DONNA MARTIN GRADUATES

With ♥ even though I’m mean,

DC

p.s. that heart sweater is utterly heinous.TORI HEART SWEATER FUG

 

True Tori

TRUE TORIPlease tell me you watched the premiere of True Tori on Lifetime last night.  It was everything.  True Tori proves there are no bounds to Spelling’s self-delusion.  First, we’re all supposed to pretend this is the only time Dean’s cheated.  Tori honey, Dean cheated with you, and he’s been cheating on you.  He’s a big fat cheater.  Yesterday.  Today.  Tomorrow.  Does anyone honestly believe this was an isolated incident?  Dean strikes me as a guy who is as indiscriminately unfaithful as his opportunities.DEAN MCDERMOTTTori had the audacity to say, “Don’t feel sorry for me.”  Oh don’t worry; we don’t.  She complained about raising 4 kids on her own.  Do you think she thought about Dean’s then-wife Mary raising their 2 kids alone when Spelling went husband-snatching on the set of her sad little Lifetime movie 7 years ago?  I suspect not.  In a pathetic ploy to garner undeserved audience sympathy, Spelling shamelessly plays put-upon mommy despite my hunch that she has a fleet of nannies hovering conveniently out of frame to provide behind the scenes support while Deano’s trolls the inpatient ward for his latest conquest. DEAN MARY JOTori and Lindsay must have graduated from the same learning annex course on self-exploitation through bad reality programming.  Both celebrities offer up publicist-curated versions of their mundane lives sprinkled generously with oversharing of their most private personal dramas – all whilst complaining about the constant paparazzi swarm who keep them on the covers of tabloids.  Happy to whore themselves out to a reality show camera crew for personal monetary gain, these bitches clutch their pearls in outrage should anyone else profit off the insatiable interest in their misfortune.  These two skinny bitches must have discovered hypocrisy burns more calories than Adderall.STAR TORI DIVORCE

 

Did You Watch Lindsay??!

LINDSAY LOHAN OWNLet me summarize.  According to Lindsay, every aspect of her life is a potential danger to her sobriety.  Promoting a movie overseas?  Too risky.  Leaving the hotel room?  Too many photographers.  She doesn’t seem to realize that total imprisonment with a sober coach would make anybody want to use.  Mostly the program consists of Lindsay painstakingly sorting her clothing and jewelry in different venues.  Watching her try to match earrings is like watching a crackhead play Concentration.  The “docu series” manages a peculiar blend of messy and mundanely boring. LINDSAY LOHAN SORTS JEWELRY

WANG GAMES: It’s not that gay

Anybody else catch the incredibly awkward, uncomfortable, and unintentional coming out party two guys had on Love Games: Bad Girls Need Love Too?  (Don’t judge me haughty bitches.)Mike and Chris played helicopter wangs and then locked themselves in the bathroom for a little “private time.”  Neither bothered to think up a good explanation for the co-bathtime behavior, so Chris panicked and blurted to the assembled group that he was taking a dump and Michael came in to take a shower.  The lame-ass cover did nothing to quell the suspicions of man-on-man fun. Michael neither confirmed nor denied, but his face gave away everything.  Chris looked nauseous as it dawned on him his parents and homophobic friends were going to definitely watch this.  His little Gaultier T-Shirt isn’t helping. Michael was eliminated because (surprise, surprise) none of the girls thought he was very into them (maybe because he was four inches into Chris’ asshole instead?).

 

Bethenny Ever After: baptism by fire and Brynstone

This week’s Bethenny Ever After reminded us just how offensive folks can be while hiding behind a shield of overprotective parenting philosophies.  Gina brought the Hoppy Family outside the ivory towers of TriBeCa to Brooklyn to enjoy the Yoruba–Orisha Baptist Church.  Those of you who paid attention in undergrad may remember Yoruba as a religion geographically rooted in Nigeria and Benin, that traveled with the people, and subsequently flourished in parts of the Caribbean and South America.  The flavor of this particular church blends Christian Baptist and Yoruba traditions.Bethenny and Jason marveled at the congregants like they were a tribe of primitive aboriginals.  The two commented on their “exotic” dress and head-wear as Bravo layered the cheapest canned “island beats” they could afford into the background.Even though every single other woman in the room had their head covered, Bethenny didn’t seem to take the hint that she needed to cover her hair as a sign of respect, so one of the women helped her out by offering a scarf.  Despite the obvious religious significance, both Bethenny and Jason seemed to confuse the gesture of humility with a fashion statement and giggled like school kids about the aesthetic.Instead of wondering about whether her Fredrick’s of Hollywood hand-me-down lingerie was supporting those billowy garments (sidebar: Who the fuck donates skanky used lingerie to a baptist church?), it should have occurred to Bethenny to cover her legs, or better yet, her crotch when visiting a place of worship.  The concept of modesty as a gesture of reverence apparently never entered her mind.The tour through Offensiville didn’t stop there.  Jason thought it appropriate to crack several jokes about “The Spirit” entering Bryn, and generally mocked the traditions of the congregation, all while sitting front row in a church that took special effort to honor his family.Based on the footage shown, it is pretty difficult to ascertain exactly how many conversations transpired between Gina and the Parents Hoppy prior to the event, but it is pretty obvious that there was a failure to manage expectations all around.Clearly, the blessing was indeed a baptism.  Specifically, the words “that she may be baptized with water received into Christ’s Holy Church” were uttered, and admittedly it doesn’t get much more baptismal than that.Jason just kept repeating, “it’ll be over in a minute.”  Pastor Wilkinson cradled Bryn and dabbed water on her forehead as the congregation sang and clapped.  Bethenny completely lost her shit and told Gina she wasn’t comfortable with all these black people touching her white babyShe started to maneuver around the group looking for an opening to snatch Bryn back.  When she got her opportunity, she grabbed the baby and made a run for it – right down the aisle out the church doors onto the sidewalk.Gina kept assuring the couple, against the weight of the evidence, that it wasn’t a baptism. Jason’s panties were especially knotted over the fact that his parents missed the impromptu saving.  Always with the parents Jason – seriously, enough with the parents already.Back at home, Bethenny and Jason reinforced each other’s bad behavior and justified their over-reaction by chalking it up to primal parenting instincts.  Weirder yet, the experience convinced Bethenny that she wanted Bryn baptized Catholic – because the church has such a sterling history with children?Since fame has replaced her non-paid friends, Bethenny asked Julie to be Bryn’s Godmother.  Julie seemed genuinely touched, and she does heart Bryn.On the day of the christening, Father Daly kept calling Bethenny “Brittany,” and limply phoned-in what was likely his fortieth baby bath of the year.  Of the two ceremonies, who wouldn’t prefer Gina’s jubilation and song over Father Daly’s anointing oil and an evil-nature-of-man ethos?

Team Gina!

Child Please, This is only the beginning…

Evelyn revealed a long-kept secret on last week’s Basketball Wives finale.  Perhaps angling for some extra camera time this season, Evelyn confessed to smashing Tami’s husband, Kenny Anderson, back in the day.  Tami took it as well as you might imagine. Several years after Lozada and Anderson’s affair, the tables have turned.  Now Evelyn’s engaged to marry rumored pussy-hound Chad Ochocinco.The Roman Candle proved payback’s a bitch when she dropped this delish doozy on part one of the reunion…

“So then I don’t need to tell you I fucked Chad.” And then Evelyn’s face looked like this. And then Royce broke out dancing.  In the immortal words of Mr. Ochocinco himself,Child Please, This is only the beginning.

Bethenny Ever After: Sweet Home Hazelton

We caught up with Jason and Bethenny contemplating baby number two in the face of B’s big 4-0.  After day-dreaming about the “baby stage,” Bethenny snapped back to business by complaining to Jason that Skinnygirl production can’t keep up with demand.Bethenny asked Jason to look into the delays, but he seemed concerned about commingling family and business any further.  At least he tells it to her straight, like when he said there are “going to be times when I’m like, enough Bethenny today.”  You tell her Jason – and Bethenny, if you are the mogul you claim, nut-up and solve your own damn booze production issues.It wouldn’t be a real reunion with Frankel without the obligatory boob show.  B and her hanger-on Lauren hit Linda’s for some new over-the-shoulder-boulder-holders.  According to Linda, Bethenny’s a 30G or 32FF!  Bethenny made sure we all know she got her 22 inch waist back after giving birth by standing around and flaunting her milkshake while bitching about visiting Jason’s parents.Apparently, Jason sees his parents every two weeks and Bethenny sees them every three weeks!  Holy-fucking-in-laws-dude, that’s some serious visitation.  Is this what people are doing?  Brassiere-whisperer Linda says once a month is appropriate, and even that sounds a little too frequent.  Jason’s parents spend two nights at Bethenny and Jason’s every month which would absolutely lead me to suicide.  So now we know why Jason was 39 and unmarried: he’s a major mama’s boy.  Did Bethenny know what she was signing up for?After a drawn out trip out to Jason’s hometown in Hazelton, Pennsylvania, the three arrived to an enthusiastic welcome from doting grandparents, Carol and Bob.

That afternoon, Jason took Bethenny to the local hot dog haunt where a “fan” came over to Bethenny and gushed.  Something about the whole exchange felt unnatural and Bravo-constructed.As tension built through the afternoon, it served as the amuse-bouche to the main course of conflict which rolled out before the appetizers even hit the table.  Previously, Jason and Bethenny discussed moving to California.  Jason really wants another baby, but is reluctant to move.  Bethenny really wants to explore her opportunities in Los Angeles and is willing to try for another baby in exchange for a cross-country relocation.  This type of baby-bargaining is always ill-advised, but even worse is busting out with the whole scheme to your parents before thoroughly discussing it with your spouse.  Cue Jason and his total lack of filter.Jason sums it up by saying, “She’ll give me a second child if we move to California.”  And this was Carol’s response.Carol and Bob immediately began to panic that Bryn would “forget them.”  Jason has spent his whole life trying to make it up to his parents that his brother died.  He even admits that he tries to be the perfect son.  He can’t bring himself to disappoint them, even for his wife.Both Bethenny and Jason spilled their tea (copyright MWY) all over the table by spiraling into a full-on argument in front of the world’s sweetest and most suffocating grandparents.  Bethenny complained that Jason never lets them experience anything as a nuclear family, like when Bryn reaches a milestone, he’s immediately on the phone with his parents.The next day, the visitation issue resurfaced.  After Bob passive-aggressively whined about looking forward to the days when Bryn can stay the whole summer(!) and Carol rebounded by asking what they’d all be doing for Thanksgiving (after a fun family Halloween of course), Bethenny finally lost her shit.  “We have to do some things on our own as our own little family too…we love coming here, but I want it to be that I like coming here, and I like when you come to us, not that it becomes something we have to do.  That’s the total honest truth.”Later, Bethenny and Jason hit the local dive bar for some $2.50 u-call-it-wells.  At first Bethenny was a little snobby (think Reese Witherspoon’s turn in the small town bar in Sweet Home Alabama), but after a few cocktails Jason’s local buddies began to win her over with their folksy charm.  By the end of the night, through a vodka-haze, bitch shed a big city tear over some “roots” talk from stool-warmer Smitty.If this hometown visit proved nothing else, it is that these two really don’t know each other at all.  In Bethenny’s own words, the couple is “drastically different.”  No shit.  These two met, married, and reproduced in less than 18 months, and most of it was filmed for TV.  Now they are surprised that in that time they haven’t uncovered one another’s true selves?  As if starring on a reality show lends itself to authenticity?  Maybe that’s why B’s still in therapy.