Tag Archives: Reese Witherspoon

May 2014 Horoscopes

TaurusTAURUS TORI SPELLING

Happy Birthday Taurus!  After a month of oppositional and tense energy, you are ready for a change both outwardly and inwardly.  Whether it’s a freshening of your personal appearance or a sprucing of your home, invest in a few significant upgrades in May.  Mother’s Day could be a real bitch this year.  Particularly reactive on the 11th, it’s easy to slip back into childish patterns.  Remember you are grown.  Give a nice gift and a pleasant (albeit forced) smile.  Keep your mouth shut or stuff it with pancakes.  Before making any big promises socially or professionally to team up and dream up, view the entire situation through a critical side-eye.  Get nakedly honest regarding the commitment the collaboration entails.  Don’t allow leisure activities originally intended for fun to become burdensome and stressful.  Scale back birthday plans to your nearest and dearest.  Not everybody and their cousin merits an invite.

GeminiGEMINI JOLIE

The days before your birthday are for quiet retreat, Gemini.  The spotlight will soon be yours, take care of any messiness or undone chores nagging your subconscious.  Gemini’s spring cleaning includes weeding your friendship flowerbed of unhealthy additions.  The energy on Mother’s Day could present a number of challenges.  Expect tense family dynamics if you plan to spend the day among loved ones.  Play with the kiddos as an effective strategy for staying out of the fray.  Concerning your health, when is the last time you had a check-up or any preventive care?  Take care of yourself.

Cancer

Embrace light-hearted fun in May, Cancer.  Twirl around parties.  Gossip and flirt.  Enjoy yourself by keeping conversations easy breezy.  Celebrating Mom may feel like a real chore this year, or you may not feel like you are getting credit where credit is due from your own ungrateful offspring and spouse.  Tense energy in the crabshell foreshadows a change in the domestic sphere.  Towards the end of the month, quiet the noise, slow down, and meet unmet obligations in preparation for your birthday.

 LeoJENNIFER LOPEZ LEO

Tap into your blonde ambition Leo, May is the month to make shit happen in your personal industry sector.  Light a match under your ass at work and go for it.  If you can’t see yourself moving onward and upward at your current grind, then put your energy into finding a more rewarding career.  Either way, your efforts will be rewarded.  May showers manifest as tears on Mother’s Day this year.  The tense energy makes for uncomfortable family gatherings.  If you know you can’t control your reactionary temper in the familial context, then limit your dealings to the minimum you can politely manage.

 VirgoBEYONCE VIRGO

Virgo embraces adventure in May.  The daring could take many forms from the obvious – last minute travel – to the less obvious – a meditative journey inward.  Whatever trip you take, there’s a lesson in it for you.  Mother’s Day might be a mutherfucker for reasons beyond your control.  What is within your control is your reaction to unprovoked attacks.  Take a few deep breaths, imbibe a cocktail, and focus on what you love about your family.  With regard to your central relationship, you gotta decide if you are all in or all out because nobody can keep track of your pendulum swinging heart.

 Libra

Libra craves intimacy and meaningful connection in May.  Spend time with your sweetie cuddled up at home.  The oppositional energy of the Grand Cross carries into May.  Libra certainly felt the harsh angles of this unusual stellar arrangement.  Why not take a self-imposed recovery period?  It’s a nice way of sparing us your moody discontentment.  Usually the family diplomat, this Mother’s Day your peace-making talents take temporary leave.  Mid-month, enjoy a burst of full moon Scorpio energy that stimulates career success.

 ScorpioWHOOPI GOLDBERG

Scorpio loves powerful partnership, and the desire to collaborate works up a hunger to define your latest relationship.  Total devotion forms the foundation of your dream union.  Most beings are not capable of that level of intensity or the totality of sacrifice required for mating with you.  Don’t belabor unsatisfying affiliations.  Honor your Ma on Mother’s Day whether near, far, or departed.  Extra-raw on the 11th, Scorpio’s got tail up, stinger poised.  Retract your weaponry Scorpio, today isn’t the day for offensive maneuvering.  We’re all suffering under the same strain, so send up a puff of compassion instead of attacking the weak and vulnerable.

Sagittarius

Sagittarius is ready for some late spring cleaning in May.  First, file your paperwork and thin the stacks of clutter.  Next, pull out some pots and plant yourself a little windowsill garden.  The plants will nourish you in unforeseen ways in the coming months.  They will also clean the air and pump your home full of fresh oxygen.  Ferocious family dynamics have the potential to ruin Mother’s Day.  Unable to hold your tongue under this irrational influence, Sags could be major contributors to the chaos.  Even though at times it feels as though you’ve outgrown your friends, your own self-limiting beliefs are the source of most of your misdirected judgment and criticism.

CapricornCAPRICORN KATE MIDDLETON

Capricorn gets especially expressive in May after feeling downright repressed in April.  For the most part, this chatty streak works to your benefit.  Mother’s Day is the major exception.  Thoughtless comments and misconstrued humor could spark intense overreactions.  Bring a nice gift and stuff your face with food.  Lay in the cut and don’t be a dick.  It isn’t up to you to fix your family.  Instead of wasting energy on unsolicited advice for your clan, apply that care-taking energy to yourself.  Spend the last week of May organizing your life.  Tidy your home.  Eat better.  Refresh the wardrobe.

 AquariusSHAKIRA AQUARIUS

After an incredibly intense April, Aquarius requires a respite!  All the drama, stress, and conflict depleted your resources and patience.  Of all the signs, you are poised to deliver the best Mother’s Day as either the recipient or giver.  However you chose to celebrate motherhood, keep it low key and pampering.  Now is not the time to plan the world’s most elaborate brunch.  Even French toast can’t compete with selfish tantrum throwers – who are bound to make an appearance on the 11th.  Mid-month, an energetic boost in your career helps you decide if you should stay or go.

Pisces

Your noggin is stormy with ideas in May, Pisces.  The notions come quickly and without much elaboration, so keep a notebook handy to jot down thoughts as they strike lightening fast.  A cloud hovers over Mother’s Day.  Pisces acts out with unpredictable moodiness.  If you are struggling to maintain your composure in your toxic familial soup, think of them as strangers and just be polite.  You wouldn’t overtly roll your eyes at a stranger across the lunch table, so don’t do it to your sister at family gatherings.  Towards the end of the month, Pisces feels especially emotionally vulnerable.  Spend this time alone or with a few trusted pals – no needy whiners!

 Aries ARIES REESE

With May comes a healthy dose of reality, Aries.  Start with an assessment of your finances.  Look at your accounts and compare the credit to debit columns.  If you’re running a deficit, you must reverse the flow from outgoing to incoming.  In order to do so, you will have to sacrifice some of your material desires.  Put quality thought and effort into honoring your mother this Mother’s Day.  Defy your selfish reputation by seizing this wonderful opportunity to display your thoughtfulness and love.  Aries’ sexual relationship gets a surge of intensity from the scorpion mid-month.  Everything you’ve been holding back will come spilling out in a gush of brutal honesty.

Global Disappointment

JLAW PHOTOBOMBThe Golden Globes fashion was so utterly weak sauce it isn’t worth the duplicative discussion to go ballsdeep in an indepth review.  Lesbihonest, it’s a particularly bleak year when a pregnant woman steals the fashion show.  No offense expectants.OLIVIA WILDE GUCCIEven though she looks like a sexy swamp creature, Olivia Wilde wore this Gucci with a great deal of confidence.  REESE WITHERSPOON CALVIN KLEINAlso slightly less ratchet than the other chickens was Reese Witherspoon in Calvin Klein.  Yes, it is a simple dress, but it fits and the color suits her.  My primary critique is that the head-to-toe look reads too summery for January.  Lastly, I can rarely despise anything about Cate Blanchett especially her incredible back displayed in Armani Prive. BLANCHETT

The worst dressed was pretty much everybody else.  Such Bad Choices.

WORST GG 2014 ROWI know everyone’s dick is hard for Lupita Nyong’o in the caped Ralph Lauren, but this dress is basically Gwyneth’s white Tom Ford number in red.  I’m over it Little Red Riding Hood.   LUPITA GLOBESBAD GG 2014 FASHIONMORE BAD GLOBES FASHION 2014

 

4 for Friday

YOGA TIMES SQUAREHappy Solstice!  Today we welcome summer.  I will complete 108 sun salutations to initiate in the new season.  The practice helps me shed old energy and embrace the future.  If my tan so far is any indication, this summer is going to be the best summer ever.  KIM AND KANYENo those bitches didn’t name that baby North West.  For fucksake. KIM AND KANYE MET BALL

PAULA DEEN LOVES BLACK PEOPLEIn this week’s non-bombshell news, is anyone actually surprised that Paula Deen is a racist?  OPRAH KNOWS ABOUT PAULA DEENFor today’s overreaching bossy advice I command you go outside and smile at a stranger.  Okay, fine, sneer if you want to, but go outside.  REESE BITCHFACE

May 2013 Horoscopes

Taurus

Happy Birthday Taurus!  You are some of the best the zodiac has to offer when it comes to integrity, generosity, and unconditional love.  Those of us with a Bull in our inner circle count ourselves blessed.  Armed with unmatched strength and determination, your meaningful gifts are plentiful.  To rely on a cliché: to whom much is given, much is expected, and Taurus generally rises to those expectations.  That’s not to say you don’t suffer from crushing insecurity because most Tauruses do.  Get super selective about the company you keep this coming year.  You deserve the best, so surround yourself with a circle of high-caliber folks.  Taurus self-limits by getting marred in guilt and a misguided sense of obligation.  Overcome this destructive paradigm and chase your aspirations with abandon.  Even though you may not understand the path required, Taurus dreams big.  As Bulls begin to chart their course, others may challenge the plan for a variety of reasons related and unrelated to the outcome.  You hate opposition and tend to take it personally.  Don’t let your pussy-hurt ego deafen the sound of reason.  You are unbelievably strong Taurus, but you are strongest when you listen.

Gemini

May initiates a period of solitude for Gemini.  For the majority of the month, you’ll work quietly and steadily all by yourself.  Not only will you be pleased about what you accomplish, but you prove you don’t need anyone else and can do just fine on your own thank-you-very-much.   Secret-keeping Gemini continues to progress on private endeavors.  Most of us will never understand why you play everything so close to the vest, but it is a strategy you often rely on to navigate relationships.  Consider how you might be limiting your ability to connect with others by refusing to share your true beliefs.  Gemini doesn’t feel strongly about everything, but when you do feel something strongly don’t budge regardless of doubts, fear, or logic.  Several opportunities for leadership arise and now you can unequivocally prove your ability to take charge.  The question becomes, where do you wanna go?  Confusion clouds your better judgment, so use that sharp mind to think matters through.  After all that time alone at May’s beginning, the last week of the month serves up a series of breakthroughs.  Brace yourself for a major shift in perspective.

Cancer 

The last few months have seen Cancer steadily progress on the career-front.  Work winds down steadily as May unfolds and those responsibilities take a backseat to more interesting and exciting socializing fun with friends.  After suffering loss and emotional challenges, Cancer learns the value and importance of a devoted support system and fan club.  Of course your tried and trued pals are there for you, but May brings some new amigas into the already zesty mix.  Even though Cancer feels extremely depleted, give a little energetic attention to these new acquaintances and it will pay off substantial dividends in a number of unexpected ways.  I wish I could tell you May brings only flowers and sunshine, but a storm quietly brews in your midst.  Unfortunately, Neptune makes your clear, sunny perceptions cloudy rain clouds of confusion.  This fermenting conflict feels like a sharp stab in the back when it surfaces seemingly out of nowhere.  Look closely at the ways you have been complicit in this disaster before reacting in a flood of tears.  You have the right to be angry, but you also shoulder some of the blame.

Leo

Listen up Leo, professionally May means more than any other month this year. Ready for a promotion, move, or upgrade?  Be bold Lioness, it is yours for the taking.  What a shitty friend you’ve been lately Leo, seriously.  Would it kill you to return a text?  You are losing friends left and right as a direct result of your flaky and selfish behavior.  It’s why you are getting fat too.  Call your friend and take a walk, sheesh.  It’s a good thing work is going so well, because romantically Leo can’t seem to strike a harmonious chord.  Attached Leos find themselves hitting every relationship landmine imaginable.  Brace yourself for surprising and unpleasant news to crack the foundation of your relationship.  Only you can decide if the revelation is a deal breaker.  Single Leos just can’t seem to find an authentic connection because the only thing genuine about you right now is your desperation.  Best to put your energy into where the sun is shining on you this month: work!

Virgo

Pack your bags Virgo, May sets you sailing on an enjoyable voyage so filled with fun you return brimming with joy.  Leave all the daily worries behind and slip into your vacation shoes.  We promise that the world won’t burn down without you.  Virgos spend the time sandwiching the trip on an innovative project that requires the best of your tactical negotiation and communication skills.  Buoyed by favorable planetary alignment, Virgo finds easy success in May professionally speaking.  This creates positive momentum through next month where recognition and awards follow your hard work and brilliant strategy.  Toward the end of May, Virgo reinvests in the idea of family.  Miscommunication has plagued your central relationship, but this month you have a damn good chance of getting lucky.  Put your differences aside and a very unexpected yet joyous surprise could come your way this May.

Libra

Libras spend significant time with their hands in other peoples’ pocketbooks this May.  This tremendous responsibility requires a precise attention to detail.  There will be times this month when a thick stack of complicated paperwork sits on your desk defiantly staring back at you.  Fatigue, Neptune, and other influences make wading through the wordiness especially taxing.  Not only will any mistakes you make be discovered, they’ll be exploited for advantage by your enemies.  Ultimately, the deal gets fortified by unexpected funding.  Once the cash starts flowing, the pace picks up as well.  A well-prepared Libra impresses everyone, so get organized now and blow their minds with your grace under pressure.  May serves up some extra creativity.  Find a way to channel this bright talent into your work where your contribution will be noticed and validated.

Scorpio

Scorpios find themselves in a pickle this May.  Energetically, your best bet is to collaborate with others to impressive results.  Scorpios need others to make their big dreams happen, but Scorpios aren’t really Marxist by nature.  It doesn’t matter to Scorpios that a collective can achieve more because they can’t stand anyone else in the commune.  You just don’t have much patience for dicking around.  A third of the way into May a surge of energy changes everything.  Seize this power and use it to push ahead toward meaningful progress.  The possibility for a new source of income enters the scene.  Balance the need for financial security against the personal cost of taking the opportunity.  This rare chance could prove unbelievably profitable.  Put in extra effort to prepare your body, mind, and closet for incredible fun, friends and romance come June.   I wish I could tell you we didn’t live in a superficial world, but in truth the better you look the better your opportunities.

Sagittarius

Sagittarius has already begun to feel the crushing weight of May’s work responsibilities shading the fun and sun of spring.  Sags possess a certain swagger that carries them through the most demanding of moments, so you’ll make it through the bustle mostly unscathed by coming up with efficient methods of productivity.  The first three weeks get swallowed whole by work obligations, but towards the end of the month your life again broadens.  A certain relationship could very well reach a make-or-break-it moment this month.  Will you or won’t you?  Unless the answer forms crystal clear, put off deciding anything definite until you are without doubt.  May makes a better month for woo and surprises, so design a super fun day for someone deserving.  Sags effort and willingness to show their intention and desire clarifies any lingering ambiguity about the relationship.  Check your tendency to get snapish and bitchy when challenged on your unqualified assertions.  It indicates an unattractive defensiveness.

Capricorn

May means love for Capricorn if you make room for it in your relentlessly over-scheduled life.  Prioritize love Cap.  When you look back on your life, it isn’t your work that will bring you the most pride.  Your relationships are what sustain you and are what matters now and forever.  Get cute and get out there.  The universe has a little something for you.  For those Caps who have somehow stumbled their way into a relationship, now more than ever a solid commitment seems like a realistic possibility.  Ultimately, it is less about the marriage than the baby right?  You can’t fool me Capricorn.  You’ve got a crazy parental itch.  If you can’t make a baby now, generate creative offspring.  Don’t waste any time at the beginning of the month because the last week of May work will require you to drop everything and immediately tend to matters of great importance.

Aquarius

Lucky Aquarius!  May happens to be your month.  The universe has generously provided you a planetary cushion.  Take advantage of all the energetic good will.  It doesn’t come around that often.  Expect a steady build of momentum and power which culminates in an apex around the 9th.  Aquarius possesses all the tools to decide, schedule, and execute this month.  Wow us with what you achieve.  Since you are imbued with freshness in May, everyone is gonna want to fuck you.  They are yours for the choosing.  Remain selective.  Some of the seemingly more seductive options have really big mouths and will tell everyone about the experience.  The chatter may not all necessarily be so positive.  It is up to you if you want your business on the internet.  Spend more time romancing than rushing to get naked.  Nascent love is so sweet, don’t immediately squash it in semen.

Pisces

May brings many opportunities for different forms of expression for Pisces.  Clearer and more decisive than ever when it comes to your philosophical ideals, now you feel confident to speak your mind.  Pisces are at their most sexy when assertive, so don’t stop wielding your power.  Come up with a pretense to sneak away for a little trip this month, and even better if you can get work to foot the bill.  A moment away will profoundly benefit you even if geographically you remain close to home.  Conflict enters the scene through your sibling.  Think about the situation then don’t back down from your side.  Even though seemingly insignificant, the way you handle this dispute will change the way you relate to one another moving forward.  Pisces finally receives the professional recognition you’ve been yearning for after the 25th.  Then you quickly realize you don’t need validation from those fools anyway.

Aries

A profitable (and possibly spontaneous?) business trip serves as the energetic touchstone for Aries in May.  Money worries inspire Aries to focus on performing at a high level.  A tempting new opportunity presents itself and at first you are chomping at the bit to get in and commit all available resources.  Slow your roll Aries, this may not be the most advantageous move for you.  Planetary opposition may stall progress.  The stars can’t possibly align for every situation.  Don’t force it. This time it is the universe telling you that it isn’t quite right.  If it is right, you will not be marred with crazy complications.  Regardless, talented Aries shines and remains focused throughout the sensitive dealings.  That aforementioned trip could pay off financially and romantically.  Let serendipity twirl in a new dance partner.  Let’s hope it’s someone who knows how to lead a strong dancer.

April 2013 Horoscopes

Aries

Happy Birthday Aries!  You little dirty bitch!  You’ve been up to no good and causing drama in all four corners.  Your reactive emotions fuel this behavior.  Aries tend to externalize which means you are always looking outside for sources of glory, security, joy and gloom.  It also means that those around Aries feel every ping of their energetic pong.  It’s more exhausting than that unrelenting table tennis fuck scene in Girls this season.  Aries generously offer wit, spark, and fun to the mix.  Don’t just skip past the word fun like its three little letters of meaninglessness.  Instead, consider how many people you know that are actually really good fun?  Remarkably few.  That’s why we appreciate you Aries.  Save the yelling, stomping, and fit throwing energy for more productive endeavors this April.  Let’s be honest: you’ve fallen a bit behind in some areas and need to quickly come correct.

Taurus

When the Bull makes up its mind there is no budging her no matter how insane and illogical her position.  Sometimes, Taurus wears this fixedness like a Girl Scout badge sewn arrogantly across the heart.  In other moments of great introspection, the Bull sees the folly in taking such unyielding stances.  Narrow, inflexible thinking limits you.  The sooner you learn that stubbornness is not a reliable power source, the better.  The corresponding positive trait to your stubborn nature is that you have grit and strength like no one else.  When you decide to do, you do.  When you commit, you are sincerely committed.  This tenacity basically guarantees you success if you can stay out of your own damn way.

 Gemini

Gemini takes April by the balls and executes on a number of important projects.  Geminis get a little muddled in their own dithering.  The theme for this year is clarity, power, and control.  Decide what you truly want without external influences.  Gather the resources to move forward.  Guide the process with a specific goal in mind.  How much time did you waste last month on activities that propelled you nowhere?  Exactly.  Now is the time to really examine yourself at the most basic and mundane levels, Gemini.  As a highly intelligent and skilled person, many ask for your help.  Remember you control the gauge on the generosity meter.  Give when it feels right, not out of a misguided sense of obligation.

 Cancer

The idiom “she has her heart in the right place” must have first been spoken about a Cancer.  Certainly, intention matters when you are navigating the world.  Just remember that other old saying – the road to hell is paved with good intentions.  Accountability has never been your strength Crab.  Rather than deal with the consequences of your decisions, you’d rather hole up in your shell and hope the cloudy days and bill collectors pass.  To quote Heathers, “get crucial.”  None of this shit is going away.  One particularly interesting and frustrating thing about you Cancer is that once you decide to change, you do so rather easily.  Use this adaptability to move past some of your most childish and selfish behaviors.

Leo

Lately Leo has ladled up bowlfuls of excuses for bad behavior.  Little Lion is such a busy bee: too taxed for friends, too overstretched to lend an extra hand at work, too exhausted for family dinner.  We get it Leo.  You are much in demand.  Keep on keeping on with the one-sided relationships and you’ll see the demands on your time greatly diminish because no one will want to hang out with you anymore.  This April, concentrate on small gestures that demonstrate that you care about others.  Open doors.  Take the time and courtesy to smile.  Use please and thank you gratuitously.  Your kindness will have ripple effects.  Beyond mundane acts of common courtesy, reach out to that friend that obviously needs you, but that you keep blowing off.

 Virgo

Big change has ruptured the Virgo routine and it’s thrown your world and relationships into a chaotic tailspin.  Denial continues to plague Virgo’s advancement.  Acceptance is the first step, hunny.  Acknowledge the great success you have made in certain areas.  The respect you’ve earned and deserve is truly remarkable and rare.  Accepting your great strengths as part of a total package, it is only fair to consider your shortcomings too.  Virgos have a slow burn rager of a temper.  Adversaries who stoke that fire should prepare for a thrashing.  Virgos won’t hesitate to tell you how much you suck when you fail to meet their typically unreachable standards.  Instead of getting so angry, just get out.

 Libra

Always accommodating, Libra’s relationship idealism often clouds their common sense and better judgment.  Everyone you know isn’t going to move to the same block, line their yards with picket fences, and live happily ever after.  That’s not real life.  Rather than trying to cultivate this false Truman Show ideal, overcome your fear of disharmony.  Conflict and disappointments are realistic counterpoints to the greatest joys of life.  To live fully, Libras must embrace the full spectrum of relationship interactions, including discord.  Less prone to clutter than filth, dust bunnies do not constitute an Easter celebration.  You feel me?

 Scorpio

Unusually scattered Scorpios have been living a-maybe-this-maybe-that existence recently.  This out-of-character approach has you feeling flush with choices and the stress that accompanies multiple opportunities.  So what the fuck do you want to do Scorpio?  Rarely one to take the easy choice just because it’s easy, many won’t understand the reasoning behind your future course of action.  It won’t matter what anyone thinks if you are actually capable of executing on your grand plans.  Let the critics motivate your success.  Expect major breakthrough moments during this year of physical and emotional transit.

 Sagittarius

When Sags get into something, they really immerse themselves in a subject.  You love to learn every nuance and detail until you qualify as an expert in your area of interest.  Mastery fascinates you.  Sags learn with a child-like innocence that makes them excellent and dedicated pupils.  With all this energy directed towards your goals and intention, what time is left for your nearest and dearest?  Remember, other people have shit going on too.  We all enjoy celebrating your successes and joys, but avoid becoming a one-note Nancy.  Make sure your friends and family feel the same intensity of affection.  Meet others’ celebratory moments with the same enthusiasm you expect when sharing yours.

 Capricorn

Nerves.  Let’s talk about your nerves Cap.  You gotta lot of nerve, as demonstrated by your rather audacious and reckless choices.  Lately, all your nervous energy has wrecked your progress with a potential conquest.  At work, your nerves are frayed and your bitchy attitude is getting on everyone’s nerves.  Spend April soothing yourself and calming the fuck down.  Messy skin, dull eyes, clenched jaw, and the constant fidgeting are all evidence of your tightly wound personality.  You are serving us a clenched-ass Cameron from Ferris Bueller and it’s not a good look.  Relax.  Puff a doob.  Sip a scotch.  Enjoy an orgasm.  Meditate.  Find a way to relax.

Aquarius

Aquarius has undergone a period of self-flagellation recently which may have manifested in weight-loss, sleeplessness, and love lost.  Whatever it takes to make it back home, get there.  Now is the time to stabilize, center, and secure.  Get your bearings by surrounding yourself with people who really know you and want only the best for you.  April leaves Aquarius vulnerable to users, manipulators, and liars.  Guard your heart and secrets carefully this month.  Spend time alone walking in nature or playing with pets.  At least the animals won’t betray you.

 Pisces

Pretty Pisces articulates needs clearly this month.  Fishes feel deeply.  This spring, they are ready to reveal their honest sentiments without barriers of insecurity.  A new confidence and swagger comes with a clear understanding of what and who you want.  Just be careful what you wish for little dove.  Pisces tend to extend and then retract themselves, never really exposing true vulnerability.  What if you extended yourself with no expectation in return?  By adapting this courageous approach, you will profoundly evolve.  Pain is an inextricable part of life.  The Piscean tendency to recoil from discomfort explains why they often seek comfort in drugs, sex, or food to destructive ends.

OSCARS 2013: wake me when it’s over

I commence this year’s Oscar fashion criticism frenzy with Kelly Osbourne in Tony Ward Couture because this is the dress I stared at longest and ultimately found most controversially interesting among a thicket of bland and boring looks. Was Charlize exquisite in Dior Haute Couture?  I guess.  Is it memorable?  No.  Am I bored?  Very.  Is she serving a little Sharon Stone with that hair and smirk?  Yes. Aniston possesses a rare talent for making Valentino look like the Macy’s Prom Collection.  Stand up straight bitch. This tin-tittied mess is Anne Hathaway in Prada.  Nobody noticed the diamonds, that’s for sure. When I see Halle Berry in this Versace, I want to pronounce it VersayceI despise everything about Amanda Seyfried in this Alexander McQueen: the bridesmaid hair, the pageant pose, and the washed out non-color of the firefly patterned gown. Jessica Chastain has truly never looked better in impeccably-tailored spiderweb Armani.  I don’t love Melissa McCarthy in this ill-fitting David Meister, but I will always love Melissa McCarthyJennifer Lawrence lacks a style identity.  I suspect Dior hands her a dress and she obediently wears it. One of the best dressed of the evening, Octavia Spencer looks fantastic in this soft pink Tadashi Shoji.A wrinkled mess, Kerry Washington served some sorbet Miu Miu.  It’s too long, no?I don’t get dead-eyed Kristen Stewart in Reem Acra.  I know she makes some bitches swoon, but to me she is not everything.  Can she close her mouth?  What’s up with her constant open mouth?  It’s creepy.This Louis Vuitton just doesn’t fit Reese Witherspoon, and the fabric isn’t modern. Nicole Kidman wore L’Wren Scott and I think we can agree it was a decent choice for her.  It’s a little fussy for my personal taste, but she wears it well and looks luminous. Let’s finish with the couples: Naomi Watts wore Armani PrivéArmani far and away fit the best dresses of the night.  Ben & Jen, she in Gucci, but it doesn’t matter what she wears because nothing pops on this girl.

 

gone girl

By now many of you have torn through Gone Girl, Gillian Flynn’s two-sided tale of a wife’s disappearance.  Word on the street is that 20th Century Fox snatched up the film rights for 7 figures.  Reese Witherspoon is set to produce and star.  This project is exactly what Reese needs to resuscitate her struggling and aimless career.  Amy Dunne = Reese’s revival.  Now who shall we cast as Nick?  If you haven’t read it, get Gone Girl now or risk finding yourself hopelessly out of touch.  The big twist?  Many of you, like me, will see it coming from a mile up river.

a whole mess of pregnant bitches

Is it me, or is everyone and her aunt pregnant right now? 

Really with the covers?  Snooks I get, but Reese, really?  I know Lainey thinks this is a PR strategy executed by Reese’s team.  If it is a PR stunt, it’s a shitty, boring, pathetic one.  This is beneath you Witherspoon.

Enough with the Demi redux. 

I’m not offended by the pregnant nudity, I’m repulsed by that dead fish look in her eyes.  Smize bitch. Kourtney shamelessly used her pregnancy as a diversionary tactic.  Don’t forget Uma’s change of life baby. 

Golden Globes 2012: Gowns, Gams, & Guns

Jolie served in Atelier Versace.  She turned it out to pimp her directorial debut.  Don’t love the shoes, but when she tries even a little she easily steals the show.

The most improved nod goes to Heidi Klum in Calvin Klein Collection, who usually shows up to these events looking wildly out of place and heinously attired. Mila Kunis looked bored and made this one-strap Christian Dior boring too.  She can do better, but can’t seem to shake this recent ugly frock streak.  Let’s get the brides out of the way.  First, Jessica Chastain arrived in an ill-fitting Givenchy.  In recent awards seasons, Givenchy seems to lend out dresses willy-nilly and doesn’t bother to make sure they are tailored correctly.  For as many style successes as they have, they have an equal number of fashion failures.  Kate Beckinsale always brings the over-try, sponsored here by Roberto Cavalli and accompanied by Len Wiseman.Jessica Biel wore a matrimonial Elie Saab, obviously unable to stifle her wedding enthusiasm. Sofia Vergara showed us the source of the Nile in Vera Wang Sarah Michelle Gellar drowned in a big blue and white tie-dyed Monique L’huillier. Best grown women: Downton Abbey’s Elizabeth McGovern, Diane Lane and Madge both in Reem Acra.Vivienne Westwood dressed Andrea Riseborough who stars in Madonna’s movie W.E.The gorgeous Gucci girls = Salma Hayek and Evan Rachel Wood.God bless Melissa McCarthy; she tried in Badgley Mischka.  Take a cue from Octavia Spencer who looked incredible in a light lavender Tadashi Shoji. Modern Family’s Ariel Winter looks all grown up in Dolce & GabbanaShailene Woodley chose a lovely Marchesa gown, but unfortunately paired it with bad posture.  Claire Danes deviated from her usual favorites Calvin Klein and Narciso Rodriquez in favor of this embellish-backed J. Mendel number.  I’m ambivalent – love the back, hate the front. Michelle Williams wore Jason Wu.  She should stick to Prada or Miu Miu.  Is that burned out velvet?  Emma Stone also failed to impress in a mediocre Lanvin gown. Frieda Pinto wore lapis Prada and it won’t be everyone’s favorite, but I think she’s lovely.  Juliana Marguilies also chose a bold color statement with this sleek eggplant Naeem Khan.Laura Dern sparkled in an emerald Andrew Gn gown.Did you get the memo that Reese is reinventing herself as sexy?  Zac Posen painted her red and gave her hips.  Nicole Richie is quickly morphing into a Real Housewife of Beverly Hills.  At first, I loved this Julien MacDonald metallic dress, but the more I look at it, the less excited I am, especially over that messy hem. Where have you been Natalie?  We’ve barely seen you since you gave birth.  Weird dress by Lanvin. Madeleine Stowe celebrated her career revival in Vera WangCharlize Theron is like awards show pizza; even when she’s bad she’s not that bad, and here she’s pretty decent in Dior Couture.  If only she could wipe that smug-ass look off her (recently tweaked?) face.