Tag Archives: RHOC

Hasbeen Housewives

SO MANY HOUSEWIVESWe all know that the Housewives are so over and aren’t worth even minimal fleeting discussion.  Yet, I do think we need to pause to highlight a couple of what-the-fuck moments that transpired during the most recent season of Orange County.GRETCHEN AND SLADE PROPOSALDid Gretchen really propose to Slade?!  Fuck that was embarrassing.  In case you missed it, Gretchen dressed up like the brokedown Fredrick’s of Hollywood version of Marilyn Monroe.  She recorded a tone-deaf love song and surprised Slade with it at his new job playing on-air bully at the radio station.  As she moaned through the off-key ballad, Slade listened intently and realized somewhere half-way through that this warbling mess was his lady-love.  Gretchen lured him to the top of the tallest building in Orange County (10 stories tops) where a helicopter delivered him in a windy swirl of douchedom.  Maybe these two are meant for each other, because his douchery can only be matched by her saccharin fake-barbie doll pageant princess bullshit.  This is a 35 year old woman who clearly has no shame.  Even though Slade has been in more Housewives than breast implants, is ten years her senior, loaded with a mountain of debt, and is widely ridiculed as acting like a little bitch among a whole cast of professional bitches, Gretchen launched into her prepared soliloquy.  The awkward display felt all wrong.  You know it’s bad when Slade takes a knee to accept the proposal.  Shit was all fucked up in this ass-backwards drag engagement.  I personally would never propose to a man.  If he wants to marry you, he’ll ask.  If a woman must ask, I urge her not to recapitulate some well-worn scenario where only the gender roles are switched à la Gretchen and Slade.  There is something so undignified about begging a man to be with you.  Let’s not even get into the stupidity of marrying a man saddled with Slade-caliber life-long debt.  Now that the marriage is on, we can only pray that these two don’t reproduce the vainest, shallowest, most vapid offspring Orange County has ever seen.FUCKED UP PROPOSAL

RYAN ASSHOLEBriana’s husband Ryan demonstrated he is an aggro marine asshole who needs his ass whupped, preferably by affable Uncle BillyRyan is the young version of the closeted abusive military monster dad from American Beauty.  In my experience, people wound that tightly usually end up perpetrating violence.  Did you hear the way he spoke to Lydia’s fairy-dusting stoner Mom?  Then, did you hear how he straight-up lied about it?  Hey moron, you are wearing a mic pack.  Unfortunately in her misguided attempt to rebel against her mother’s tyrannical control, it appears Briana married a dumb asshole with integrity issues.  May he remain indefinitely deployed.  AGRO RYANFinal thought of the day: Andy Cohen is to Bravo what Ryan Seacrest is to E!SAME PERSON DIFFERENT NETWORK

3 for Friday

LUO AND NAOMIIs there anyone on Earth more sublime than Naomi CampbellLuo Zilin, who you surely remember from Naomi’s Top Model knock-off The Face, learned the hard way this week that you do not fuck with Miss Campbell.  After Luo was caught frolicking in Ibiza with Campbell’s ex Vlad Doronin, Naomi blacklisted that ungrateful bitch from the fashion world.  I wish Naomi Campbell offered an apprenticeship in bitchery.  I too would like to learn how to shank bitches at such an elite and international level.  LUO AND VLADGIRL CODE

Seen Girl CodeMTV has finally rolled out something worth watching.  Even though Girl Code is paced for the attention span of the modern twelve year old, many of the insights and practical advice transcend age.  The show is light, funny, occasionally informative, and provides an important platform for young female comics.  Jessimae Peluso will be a star.  JESSIMAE PELUSOVICKI AND GRETCHEN BAD WORKWatching the RHOC has become an exercise in the grotesque.  Need we even discuss Vicki’s face?  I guess I do.  Instead of the chin implant she should have had her double chin removed and her neck tightened.  Gretchen totally fucked up her once lovely face with those lip injections.  This show would be so much more interesting if Bravo dropped all these mutilated bitches and just focused on Lydia’s awesome fairy-dusting stoner mom Judy.JUDY DOOBIE

RHNY: C’est Peaked

Let’s just acknowledge what is blatantly obvious: this sad run sucked from premiere to finale.  Without a central conflict or sincere connections between the ladies, RHNY suffered from RHOC syndrome this season.  Symptoms include ubiquitous fakery, forced scenes, and contrived melodrama. God bless a snotty gay.  Alex showed up for her first paid editorial for The Block.  After listing a string of third tier shows she walked in during fashion week, James the requisite homo elitist, subtly shamed her by repeating, “Perfect then, Perfect then,” in a bored and disdainful tone.  Who can blame him?  Alex’s total lack of self-awareness, paired with her whiny pageant dad Simon, makes her an unbelievably easy target for criticism.  BTW Simon, revealing your wife was chosen 3rd on US Weekly’s worst dressed list isn’t something to brag about in a room of fashion folk.  Though she did live up to the title later in the episode by wearing this utterly fug pink double-breasted short suit.Bravo aired teasers for the finale all week that hinted at a change-of-life baby for Ramona.  The preview giveaways meant to build excitement were dubious since everyone is well aware that at 55, the only change of life happening to Ramona is the retirement of her ovaries.  Bravo’s last ditch effort to salvage the season with engineered baby drama smacks of desperation.In another red-herring subplot, LuAnn and Jacques invited the whole crew to a celebration of their one year anniversary.  The fiesta was held on a boat ironically destined to sail around the Statute of Liberty, a monument presented to America by the Count’s ancestors, as Ramona pointedly reminded us in her personal interview segment.Once on board, Ramona pretended to break the potential pregnancy news to Mario.  Then she and Sonja flitted off to the “head” like two leopard-clad sorority sisters with an eightball.  Sonja conveniently supplied the EPT (how much did they pay for that product placement?), and Ramona supplied the urine.Sensible Jill (relatively speaking) immediately called bullshit and didn’t hesitate to introduce the more obvious explanation of menopause to account for Ramona’s cyclical irregularity.For some unbeknownst reason (did Cohen offer her a kidney?), Natalie Cole agreed to make a cameo and sing a duet with LuAnn.  Fake-ass LuAnn wouldn’t know Natalie Cole from Natalie Merchant, but she pretended to fawn all over the singer when initially introduced by her opportunistic producer.Natalie sang decent, LuAnn sounded nervously pitchy, and Simon looked downright bitchy during the performance.While Jill was hoping for the party to culminate in an engagement announcement, the limp-dick gathering just petered out without any big reveals from either LuAnn or Ramona.If you are attached to this group of ladies, don’t miss the reunion next week.  Chances are it will be the last time you see this ensemble on Cohen’s confrontational couches.  This pathetic excuse for a season proved the NYC franchise is begging to be recast.  At this point, any change would serve as a welcomed improvement.

Botox does not prevent marital cracking

Gretchen Barbie won best dressed, but for the first half of last night’s reunion the interrogation light glared harshly on Mrs. Barney.

I will never understand this controlling man shit.  I tell my man what to wear not the other way around.  Who is Simon to give fashion advice in that hideous blue shirt?  Simon was apparently attracted to her hooch style when they got together, so why try and change her now?  Clearly, Simon’s primary concern is what people think of him.  Since he views Tamra as an extension of himself, he tries to keep her under his thumb.

In a characteristically exploitive move, Bravo sent a camera crew to Tamra’s new apartment to get footage of her being served with divorce papers.  Tamra dances a divorce jig as her rapey-eyed son (thank you Michael K.) looks on self-satisfied that he’s finally rid of the wicked step-father.   Sidenote: between divorce and eviction, process servers were truly the unsung heroes of this season of the RHOC, no?

In Ramona Singer parlance, “kadooze” to Gretchen for calling out Tamra on the Life & Style spread.  Tamra mean-girled Gretchen terribly last season and now she’s rightfully getting hers.  I would even say Gretchen exercised some self-restraint during the first part of this reunion.  The Barney’s divorce is not a publicity stunt, but Tamra is not above exploiting her separation for more coverage.  Don’t get it twisted; press coverage is the name of the game for all these bitches.

Lynne looks like she’s in a wind tunnel, her skin may be tighter, but she doesn’t look younger.  Is it me, or did her plastic surgeon only succeed in enhancing her mental vacancy?  Lynne sounds dumber than ever on this reunion.  Watching her try to eek out an articulate sentence truly pains me.

Lynne’s girls are a lost cause.  You can’t start parenting your daughters at seventeen and nineteen.  Alexa and Raquel are vapid, selfish, stupid, immature, wasteful, and slutty.  Seriously, how repulsive were they in that eviction scene complaining about their hangovers?  When Alexa tried to sneak in late after curfew she looked like a train had just been run on her.

Alexis acts like a sanctimonious twat and looks like a woodland creature.  It is always the self-righteous ones that are the most hypocritical.  Word on the street is she’s been divorced and was unfaithful in her first holy union.  If Alexis is willing to trade her dignity for her “lifestyle” more power to her, and I ain’t sayin’ she a gold digga, but…..I doubt she’d be fucking 47 year old Jim absent his pawn shop empire.

One of the unexpected highlights buried in the fourth segment was the revelation that Gretchen now owns Jo De La Rosa’s music catalogue!  Jo and Gretchen used to be friends and there is no way she’s not livid that Gretchen owns her catalogue and her ex-fiance!  This strategic move makes me actually sort of admire Gretchen which has left me feeling deeply conflicted.

Overall, this group of housewives is the most cringe-worthy of all.  While some may have significant financial holdings, none has any intelligence or class.  The Housewives’ behavior at Fleur de Lys was so disgusting, rude, and childish, they might as well filmed dinner at McDonald’s.  Of all the Real Housewive incarnations, this profoundly stupid cast is the least compelling and the most offensive.

That said, I am truly hoping Jeana brings the fire in part deux!