We all know that the Housewives are so over and aren’t worth even minimal fleeting discussion. Yet, I do think we need to pause to highlight a couple of what-the-fuck moments that transpired during the most recent season of Orange County.Did Gretchen really propose to Slade?! Fuck that was embarrassing. In case you missed it, Gretchen dressed up like the brokedown Fredrick’s of Hollywood version of Marilyn Monroe. She recorded a tone-deaf love song and surprised Slade with it at his new job playing on-air bully at the radio station. As she moaned through the off-key ballad, Slade listened intently and realized somewhere half-way through that this warbling mess was his lady-love. Gretchen lured him to the top of the tallest building in Orange County (10 stories tops) where a helicopter delivered him in a windy swirl of douchedom. Maybe these two are meant for each other, because his douchery can only be matched by her saccharin fake-barbie doll pageant princess bullshit. This is a 35 year old woman who clearly has no shame. Even though Slade has been in more Housewives than breast implants, is ten years her senior, loaded with a mountain of debt, and is widely ridiculed as acting like a little bitch among a whole cast of professional bitches, Gretchen launched into her prepared soliloquy. The awkward display felt all wrong. You know it’s bad when Slade takes a knee to accept the proposal. Shit was all fucked up in this ass-backwards drag engagement. I personally would never propose to a man. If he wants to marry you, he’ll ask. If a woman must ask, I urge her not to recapitulate some well-worn scenario where only the gender roles are switched à la Gretchen and Slade. There is something so undignified about begging a man to be with you. Let’s not even get into the stupidity of marrying a man saddled with Slade-caliber life-long debt. Now that the marriage is on, we can only pray that these two don’t reproduce the vainest, shallowest, most vapid offspring Orange County has ever seen.
Briana’s husband Ryan demonstrated he is an aggro marine asshole who needs his ass whupped, preferably by affable Uncle Billy. Ryan is the young version of the closeted abusive military monster dad from American Beauty. In my experience, people wound that tightly usually end up perpetrating violence. Did you hear the way he spoke to Lydia’s fairy-dusting stoner Mom? Then, did you hear how he straight-up lied about it? Hey moron, you are wearing a mic pack. Unfortunately in her misguided attempt to rebel against her mother’s tyrannical control, it appears Briana married a dumb asshole with integrity issues. May he remain indefinitely deployed. Final thought of the day: Andy Cohen is to Bravo what Ryan Seacrest is to E!