Gretchen Barbie won best dressed, but for the first half of last night’s reunion the interrogation light glared harshly on Mrs. Barney.

I will never understand this controlling man shit.  I tell my man what to wear not the other way around.  Who is Simon to give fashion advice in that hideous blue shirt?  Simon was apparently attracted to her hooch style when they got together, so why try and change her now?  Clearly, Simon’s primary concern is what people think of him.  Since he views Tamra as an extension of himself, he tries to keep her under his thumb.

In a characteristically exploitive move, Bravo sent a camera crew to Tamra’s new apartment to get footage of her being served with divorce papers.  Tamra dances a divorce jig as her rapey-eyed son (thank you Michael K.) looks on self-satisfied that he’s finally rid of the wicked step-father.   Sidenote: between divorce and eviction, process servers were truly the unsung heroes of this season of the RHOC, no?

In Ramona Singer parlance, “kadooze” to Gretchen for calling out Tamra on the Life & Style spread.  Tamra mean-girled Gretchen terribly last season and now she’s rightfully getting hers.  I would even say Gretchen exercised some self-restraint during the first part of this reunion.  The Barney’s divorce is not a publicity stunt, but Tamra is not above exploiting her separation for more coverage.  Don’t get it twisted; press coverage is the name of the game for all these bitches.

Lynne looks like she’s in a wind tunnel, her skin may be tighter, but she doesn’t look younger.  Is it me, or did her plastic surgeon only succeed in enhancing her mental vacancy?  Lynne sounds dumber than ever on this reunion.  Watching her try to eek out an articulate sentence truly pains me.

Lynne’s girls are a lost cause.  You can’t start parenting your daughters at seventeen and nineteen.  Alexa and Raquel are vapid, selfish, stupid, immature, wasteful, and slutty.  Seriously, how repulsive were they in that eviction scene complaining about their hangovers?  When Alexa tried to sneak in late after curfew she looked like a train had just been run on her.

Alexis acts like a sanctimonious twat and looks like a woodland creature.  It is always the self-righteous ones that are the most hypocritical.  Word on the street is she’s been divorced and was unfaithful in her first holy union.  If Alexis is willing to trade her dignity for her “lifestyle” more power to her, and I ain’t sayin’ she a gold digga, but…..I doubt she’d be fucking 47 year old Jim absent his pawn shop empire.

One of the unexpected highlights buried in the fourth segment was the revelation that Gretchen now owns Jo De La Rosa’s music catalogue!  Jo and Gretchen used to be friends and there is no way she’s not livid that Gretchen owns her catalogue and her ex-fiance!  This strategic move makes me actually sort of admire Gretchen which has left me feeling deeply conflicted.

Overall, this group of housewives is the most cringe-worthy of all.  While some may have significant financial holdings, none has any intelligence or class.  The Housewives’ behavior at Fleur de Lys was so disgusting, rude, and childish, they might as well filmed dinner at McDonald’s.  Of all the Real Housewive incarnations, this profoundly stupid cast is the least compelling and the most offensive.

That said, I am truly hoping Jeana brings the fire in part deux!