Tag Archives: Rihanna

Met Gala 2014: Black & White Basic Bitches

ANNA KENDRICK J MENDEL J. Mendel deposited a stiff Anna Kendrick into a fussy architectural number in which she appeared both lovely and seriously uncomfortable. RIHANNA MET BALL STELLA MCCARTNEYRihanna’s gorgeous face and defined abs almost distract me from this wrinkled two-piece Stella McCartney gimmick gown.  Do we really need a choker, exaggerated shoulders, tattoo, midriff, draping, and ruching all in one look?  CARA DELEVIGNE MET BALL 2014We get it Cara Delevigne, you’re a dyke and you wanna wear pants.  Lesbihonest, with access to every major designer on the planet, there is no excuse for anything less than an impeccable fit.  HAILEE STEINFELD PRABAL GURUNG Hailee Steinfeld almost gets it right with this graphic Prabal Gurung, but I can’t with the shoes and lipstick.  The overall look is just a skosh too pretty-perfect-matchy-finished.  Continuing sidenote: Do any of these wrinkly-ass bitches own a steamer? Goddamn. SJP OSCAR DE LA RENTA MET BALL 2014In a pairing as classic as black and white, SJP donned Oscar de la Renta.  Is “classic” just a euphemism for old-fashioned?NAOMI CAMPBELL MET 2014Here’s Naomi’s foot trying to escape from under that forgotten frock from Mrs. Roper’s Bridal CollectionCampbell’s feathery personal assault restraints sold separately.MARY KATE AND ASHLEY OLSEN MET BALL 2014The sisters Prune cloaked in mourning; MK in Ferre and Ashley in death by Chanel.  KATE UPTON DOLCE & GABBANA MET BALLKate Upton served up two tittypints of Dolce & Gabbana saloon slut.  Then Gisele arrived in Balenciaga to demonstrate how a supermodel does it, hunny. GISELE BALENCIAGA MET 2014

I don’t want to pet your dog

EVA MENDES DOGIt’s that time of year again, the weather is warm and all the dog owners have their canines on parade.  Other than shitting everywhere and the occasional mauling, I have no real problem with dogs.  Their owners, well that’s another story.  I have a friend who compulsively pets every dog she sees.  Hiking with this girl can take an extra minute depending on how many dogs we encounter.  I understand dog people meet each other this way, but I don’t want to pet your dog.  When I don’t bend down to gush, owners look at me like I’m calling their firstborn child retarded.  Today, this girl had her puppy leashed to the fence during lunch – obviously baiting us with puppy cuteness.  She acted annoyed when people “interrupted” her to fuss over her adorable babydog.  You’re the one rolling one puppy deep on a sunny Saturday you attention-seeking bitch.  Eyeroll.     RIHANNA OLIVERBack in college, I had this dumbass friend Marisha who was wandering around the city one hot summer day.  A dog was locked inside a car with the windows cracked.  Well-meaning Marisha, concerned for the pup, administered water from her plastic water bottle through the window crack.  During the attempted hydrating, the ungrateful twatdog bit her hand.  Moral of the story: other people’s dogs aren’t for you.

DOG IN CARAnd pick up your pooch poo.PICK UP POO

The Current Rotation: Good-bye July

WHEN I WAS YOUR MANWhen I Was Your Man × Bruno Mars RIHANNA STAYStay × Rihanna (feat. Mikky Ekko)SAVAGESShut Up × SavagesMUDDY WATERS HONEY BEEHoney Bee × Muddy WatersGET DOWN

 

4 for Friday: Turn it Out Tonight

TUNIC 2Feelin’ the easy, alluring, effortlessness of a tunic right now.  TUNICRIHANNA FANNY PACKI’m obsessed with my fanny pack.  Keeps the hands free for dirty work. RIHANNA LOVES FANNY PACKSCANDY COLORED TOESUsually I prefer neutral, but tonight, why not candy-coated toes?NARSCARA DELEVINGNEModern summer makeup in four words: strong brow, neutral lip.CARA DELEVINGNE 1See you tonight sexy bitches. WERK

everybody smokes weed

matching is for cowards

While inventorying my wardrobe for an upcoming trip, I wondered whether anyone wears matching 2 pieces anymore? Fit is infinitely more important than matching top to bottom.  I prefer to collect mismatched tops and bottoms on clearance during the off season.  Swimsuit styles barely change from year to year anyway.  Work a top/bottom combo that flatters your body.  The more random and contrasting the fabrics, the better. Even though they’ve made a major resurgence in the last decade, one pieces are still unexpected and super fun.  Keep at least one or two perfectly chic options around when you aren’t feeling a bikini. 

MET GALA 2012: impossible conversations about inexplicable selections

As those of us with a pulse know, last night the Met Gala threw down in NYC.  The ball celebrated the opening of the exhibit Schiaparelli and Prada: Impossible Conversations at the Costume Institute.  Let’s have a conversation about the fucking weird ass choices some of these bitches made last night. It is hard to know where to start, so let’s start with some one who should know better.  Rachel Zoe looks like a fringed push pop in this ridiculous-on-her frock.  Zoe styled Karolina Kurkova (where you been girl?) in a gown from her eponymous line. The dress appears to have been heavily influenced by the Armani gown Zoe dressed Anne Hathaway in for the Oscars not too long ago – that Zoe, always full of fresh ideas.Beyoncé loves that stupid ass pose.  Who the fuck stands like that in real life?  The way she stiffly palms her outer thighs is so forced and unnatural.  Do we need to talk about this Givenchy Couture?  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, it seems to me that Givenchy cares more about appearing on the red carpet than maintaining a high standard of brand integrity.  By my totally unscientific estimation, about one in ten times Givenchy gets it right with their red carpet loaners.  Sorry B, this is definitely not one of those times.  I hate almost every single thing about this dress.  It took some nutz for Christina Ricci to rock this odd Thakoon number.  It isn’t perfect, but it is courageous.  Is she going through another praying mantis phase or is it just a pre-Met crash diet?If Laura Ashley and a flora chintz sofa made a bastard love child, this Valentino blanket that SJP is wearing would be the unholy spawn.  Jessica Paré wore the shit out of this L’Wren Scott gold cap sleeve.  No dummy, our little Megan obviously plans to squeeze every last drop of exposure from her Mad Men supporting role.  Good for her, this was one of the better ensembles of the evening. From one Mrs. Draper to another, January Jones typically pushes boundaries, at times at the expense of flattery.  The more I look at this sculpted Versace, the less it offends me.  Yeah, the peplum has been overdone this season, and yeah yellow and black tends to evoke bumble bee, but I think this is a bold and interesting post-baby choice.  She’s done worse. Lately, Emma Stone has made me forget why I like her.  The color, shape, texture, and timing of this Lanvin cocktail frock is all wrong for this season and this event.  Did she get lost on her way to homecoming?Carey Mulligan co-hosted the event and wore this shield to protect her soul from the despotic clutches of Anna Wintour. Paltrow predictably in Prada presenting a pinch of side boob.  Have we reached a consensus on whether she conservatively augmented her tatas after Moses?  If she’s going to continue to push those absurd Tracy Anderson workouts then she might want to actually wear something that celebrates her hard-fought body.  Unfinished is the word I would use to describe this look.Is Cameron just straight up old now or what?  Squint – is this Sharon Stone or Cameron DiazStella McCartney provided the matronly gown.  Stella McCartney is just mean with some of the ugly ass shit she makes her friends wear, damn.Claire Danes evoked a little Betty Draper from the neck up, which was a welcome departure from her minimalist tendency.  J Mendel conceived of the ill-fitting garment.  The cut accentuates her tiny top and then betrays her by creating the illusion of a big bottom.  Face it, she’s serving sleeveless bathrobe. First, why are these two getting married?  I dislike them each individually more when they are together.  Biel looks like she hemmed that dress with two-sided tape 5 minutes before she strode onto the carpet.  We all know very well that Jessica Biel couldn’t dress herself  if she were locked in a Chanel store.  When it comes to Biel, the expectations are very low.  Yet she still repeatedly fails to meet them.  Much like Justin Timberlake’s acting career.  Dunst looks pissed.  I’d be pissed to if I wore that random shit to the fashion event of the year.  I hate this evening suit almost as much as I hate that overrated Melancholia.Hey Flo!  I truly appreciate your willingness to go balls to the wall.  At Coachella, you served me desert couture and I’m grateful for it.  However, you are not Lady Gaga.  This fussy layered McQueen is an overreach that reads more costume than gala. Prabal Gurung is a pimp.  That’s called swagger bitches.  Recognize. One of the best dressed of the evening – Marion Cotillard in head to toe Dior.  Don’t usually love a sheer bottom, but this dress photographs and fits beautifully.  J’adore. We saw quite a few subtle variations on a very similar look; here Rihanna does the long-sleeved reflective column in black Tom Ford.  Snooze. Scarjo no!  This embellished, pink, antiquated Dolce & Gabbana mess had no bizness at the Met Gala.  I need more modernity from you Scarlett!  You are not a little girl anymore; evolve past this princessy shit. Bad Grandma!  Bad, bad Grandma!  We told you not to leave Shady Pines without a nurse’s aid.  Oh wait, that’s just Mary Kate at the Met GalaJessica Alba improved over last year, but she should have worn this dress then when this Michael Kors metallic lamé might have felt fresh.  Did Brad Goreski style her again this year?The unofficial perennial Prom King and Queen of the Met Ball, Gisele and Tom  stuck to boring black this year.  Is it me or does that photo reveal a bit of tension between the power couple?

Hey Kanye, Anna wouldn’t let you bring Kim?

3 annoying aspects of Coachella

The single most annoying thing about this whole festival is the overlapping sets.  Every 50 minutes it’s Sophie’s Choice.  Do I want to see The Rapture or Mazzy Star?  For $329, I shouldn’t have to choose.  By the way, The Rapture delivered one of the best sets of the day on Friday evening.  The second most annoying thing about Coachella is everyone’s blasé attitude.   The crowd isn’t there to see just one act.  For each entertainer, a cluster of die hard fans gathers towards the front, and almost everyone else could give a fuck.  Some artists work to win the entire crowd over, and others seem defeated by the unrelenting heat and too-cool-for-school vibe of the sweaty masses.  Seriously, they could announce that Jesus, Whitney Houston, and Santa were going to sing a medley and the level of enthusiasm would amount to a few sparse golf claps.  Jesus, who cares about Jesus?  I saw Jesus front row in ’99.  Third, I’m not so sure about the second weekend format.  All the artists kept referring to deja vu feeling of performing two weekends in a row.  It ain’t deja vu for us mutherfuckers.  Keep it fresh.  Give us a worthy experience.  As you know, we are all so jaded out here in the desert sun. 

 

5 Lamest Tattoos

DolphinArmbandTramp StampKanjiStars

Come up with something original like this Nipple Wizard or weird like the Lawn Mower.