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While inventorying my wardrobe for an upcoming trip, I wondered whether anyone wears matching 2 pieces anymore? Fit is infinitely more important than matching top to bottom. I prefer to collect mismatched tops and bottoms on clearance during the off season. Swimsuit styles barely change from year to year anyway. Work a top/bottom combo that flatters your body. The more random and contrasting the fabrics, the better. Even though they’ve made a major resurgence in the last decade, one pieces are still unexpected and super fun. Keep at least one or two perfectly chic options around when you aren’t feeling a bikini.
As those of us with a pulse know, last night the Met Gala threw down in NYC. The ball celebrated the opening of the exhibit Schiaparelli and Prada: Impossible Conversations at the Costume Institute. Let’s have a conversation about the fucking weird ass choices some of these bitches made last night. It is hard to know where to start, so let’s start with some one who should know better. Rachel Zoe looks like a fringed push pop in this ridiculous-on-her frock. Zoe styled Karolina Kurkova (where you been girl?) in a gown from her eponymous line. The dress appears to have been heavily influenced by the Armani gown Zoe dressed Anne Hathaway in for the Oscars not too long ago – that Zoe, always full of fresh ideas.Beyoncé loves that stupid ass pose. Who the fuck stands like that in real life? The way she stiffly palms her outer thighs is so forced and unnatural. Do we need to talk about this Givenchy Couture? I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, it seems to me that Givenchy cares more about appearing on the red carpet than maintaining a high standard of brand integrity. By my totally unscientific estimation, about one in ten times Givenchy gets it right with their red carpet loaners. Sorry B, this is definitely not one of those times. I hate almost every single thing about this dress. It took some nutz for Christina Ricci to rock this odd Thakoon number. It isn’t perfect, but it is courageous. Is she going through another praying mantis phase or is it just a pre-Met crash diet?If Laura Ashley and a flora chintz sofa made a bastard love child, this Valentino blanket that SJP is wearing would be the unholy spawn. Jessica Paré wore the shit out of this L’Wren Scott gold cap sleeve. No dummy, our little Megan obviously plans to squeeze every last drop of exposure from her Mad Men supporting role. Good for her, this was one of the better ensembles of the evening. From one Mrs. Draper to another, January Jones typically pushes boundaries, at times at the expense of flattery. The more I look at this sculpted Versace, the less it offends me. Yeah, the peplum has been overdone this season, and yeah yellow and black tends to evoke bumble bee, but I think this is a bold and interesting post-baby choice. She’s done worse. Lately, Emma Stone has made me forget why I like her. The color, shape, texture, and timing of this Lanvin cocktail frock is all wrong for this season and this event. Did she get lost on her way to homecoming?Carey Mulligan co-hosted the event and wore this shield to protect her soul from the despotic clutches of Anna Wintour. Paltrow predictably in Prada presenting a pinch of side boob. Have we reached a consensus on whether she conservatively augmented her tatas after Moses? If she’s going to continue to push those absurd Tracy Anderson workouts then she might want to actually wear something that celebrates her hard-fought body. Unfinished is the word I would use to describe this look.Is Cameron just straight up old now or what? Squint – is this Sharon Stone or Cameron Diaz? Stella McCartney provided the matronly gown. Stella McCartney is just mean with some of the ugly ass shit she makes her friends wear, damn.Claire Danes evoked a little Betty Draper from the neck up, which was a welcome departure from her minimalist tendency. J Mendel conceived of the ill-fitting garment. The cut accentuates her tiny top and then betrays her by creating the illusion of a big bottom. Face it, she’s serving sleeveless bathrobe. First, why are these two getting married? I dislike them each individually more when they are together. Biel looks like she hemmed that dress with two-sided tape 5 minutes before she strode onto the carpet. We all know very well that Jessica Biel couldn’t dress herself if she were locked in a Chanel store. When it comes to Biel, the expectations are very low. Yet she still repeatedly fails to meet them. Much like Justin Timberlake’s acting career. Dunst looks pissed. I’d be pissed to if I wore that random shit to the fashion event of the year. I hate this evening suit almost as much as I hate that overrated Melancholia.Hey Flo! I truly appreciate your willingness to go balls to the wall. At Coachella, you served me desert couture and I’m grateful for it. However, you are not Lady Gaga. This fussy layered McQueen is an overreach that reads more costume than gala. Prabal Gurung is a pimp. That’s called swagger bitches. Recognize. One of the best dressed of the evening – Marion Cotillard in head to toe Dior. Don’t usually love a sheer bottom, but this dress photographs and fits beautifully. J’adore. We saw quite a few subtle variations on a very similar look; here Rihanna does the long-sleeved reflective column in black Tom Ford. Snooze. Scarjo no! This embellished, pink, antiquated Dolce & Gabbana mess had no bizness at the Met Gala. I need more modernity from you Scarlett! You are not a little girl anymore; evolve past this princessy shit. Bad Grandma! Bad, bad Grandma! We told you not to leave Shady Pines without a nurse’s aid. Oh wait, that’s just Mary Kate at the Met Gala. Jessica Alba improved over last year, but she should have worn this dress then when this Michael Kors metallic lamé might have felt fresh. Did Brad Goreski style her again this year?The unofficial perennial Prom King and Queen of the Met Ball, Gisele and Tom stuck to boring black this year. Is it me or does that photo reveal a bit of tension between the power couple?
Hey Kanye, Anna wouldn’t let you bring Kim?
The single most annoying thing about this whole festival is the overlapping sets. Every 50 minutes it’s Sophie’s Choice. Do I want to see The Rapture or Mazzy Star? For $329, I shouldn’t have to choose. By the way, The Rapture delivered one of the best sets of the day on Friday evening. The second most annoying thing about Coachella is everyone’s blasé attitude. The crowd isn’t there to see just one act. For each entertainer, a cluster of die hard fans gathers towards the front, and almost everyone else could give a fuck. Some artists work to win the entire crowd over, and others seem defeated by the unrelenting heat and too-cool-for-school vibe of the sweaty masses. Seriously, they could announce that Jesus, Whitney Houston, and Santa were going to sing a medley and the level of enthusiasm would amount to a few sparse golf claps. Jesus, who cares about Jesus? I saw Jesus front row in ’99. Third, I’m not so sure about the second weekend format. All the artists kept referring to deja vu feeling of performing two weekends in a row. It ain’t deja vu for us mutherfuckers. Keep it fresh. Give us a worthy experience. As you know, we are all so jaded out here in the desert sun.
Come up with something original like this Nipple Wizard or weird like the Lawn Mower.
The best of the night were all appropriately in black. Rihanna plunged in the front and sloped low in the back in this major Armani. Gwyneth repped her inner-circle in Stella McCartney. From the neck down Gwyneth looks amazing, but she’s looking a little inflamed in the face. Bad bronzer or bad eight ball? You decide. Adele turned it out in Armani. We sure as fuck knew she wouldn’t wear Chanel after Karl’s latest round of bad Grandpa fat comments.Not all the black was good; Julianne Hough wasted her crazy toned body in this unflattering and boring Kaufmanfranco.Bruno Mars gave a little ankle in this fashion-forward Thom Browne look. Not everyone will get it, but I appreciate the effort. Saggy tits. That’s the first thing that comes to mind when I see Katy Perry in this Elie Saab gown. The sophomoric blue hair and the pastel Tinkerbell gown are enough to induce the heaves. This girl cannot sing, she cannot dress, and therefore I have no use for her. No use at all. Good day Katy Perry. I said good day.And the “desperately seeking attention” award goes to….miz Minaj. She has talent, so why won’t she lead with it? It’s Versace by the way. The cape not the bishop. Let’s work our way through the “irrelevant in white” category. Kathy Griffin wore Michael Kors rather well. Why is it when she looks better she’s less funny?Kate Beckinsale usually shows up to these events in overblown ball gowns, so this Zuhair Murad is actually a surprisingly appropriate choice for her. She still can’t ditch the pageant hair, but baby steps are still progress. Paris Hilton wore a well-tailored Basil Soda. I’m not on fire for the white and gold combo. She looks better than usual, but a skosh overdressed.Robyn, L.A. doesn’t do the whole quirky Nordic thing. Just ask Bjork. This whole look is an unmitigated hell no. One of the few pops of color, Fergie in Jean Paul Gaultier; I can feel how much she desperately wants our approval, but I must withhold it. Adam Levine doing his best Scott Disick. Between Scott and Adam, who do you think gets called “douche” more often to his face?Taylor Swift is like the Nicole Kidman of the under-25 set. This over-serious frock is a Zuhair Murad creation.
I admit occasionally I’m guilty of talking with food in my mouth. As soon as I sense myself doing that awkward hand-in-front-of-mouth gesture while trying to articulate words, I feel gross and ashamed. Chatting with your mouth full is a disgusting habit that unfortunately many of us indulge. For some reason, we find the need to respond to conversation so urgent that we think we need to speak right that second – bite be damned. Obviously, breaking this basic etiquette rule is disgusting and unappetizing for our dining companions, but it is also downright dangerous. You could choke yo! Most of us don’t spend enough time chewing our food anyway. Digestion begins in the mouth with thorough mastication. Skimping on this step means less nutrient absorption and an increased likelihood of indigestion. Slow down and enjoy each bite so your body recognizes when it is sated and you get the most from your meal. Let’s agree to finish a bite before starting a sentence.
Not long ago, an acquaintance had a cold sore the size of Saturn festering on her lip for at least two weeks. The eruption was down right distracting, like one of those car crash situations where you don’t want to look, but absolutely can’t look away. I was dying to throw some Lysine in her direction. Lysine inhibits the herp by repressing the metabolism of Arginine, another amino acid which acts as herpes food. Many foods contain Lysine in various levels. For example, beans and lentils contain quite a bit. Generally speaking, most of us don’t get enough of this essential amino acid to effectively inhibit canker sores without a dietary supplement. Clinical studies suggest that at least 1250 milligrams must be taken for significant results. Keep in mind that gelatin contains Arginine, so definitely avoid Lysine supplements containing this counterproductive ingredient.Synthetically produced Lysine is cheaper than naturally sourced, but both seem to do the trick to combat fever blisters. Use Lysine to ward off an attack, shorten its duration, and speed healing. Lysine is a cheap, natural, and effective treatment for the herp – pass it on.
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