Tag Archives: Romi

4 for Friday

I’ve been waiting for the dust to settle on this season of The Real L WordRomi, Whitney, and the boring baby couple are back with a bunch of new bitches.  After the first two episodes, Whitney’s already wifed up with Sara.  Sexually indiscriminate Romi’s predictably returned to riding dick.  I’m not even sure I like this show anymore.  Kiyomi and her Hunter Valentine lead singer syndrome, dunno about all that. Some asshole in Colorado gave us another good reason not to go to the movies.  We don’t get too political here at DC, but with instances like this latest mass shooting, gun control remains more of a logical issue than a political one.  Human beings aren’t responsible.  We keep demonstrating this.  And before you get all 2nd Amendment on my ass, let me ask you.  What about my right to attend a public function and not get shot to death?  With great freedom comes great responsibility.  That said,  movies like We Need to Talk About Kevin teach us you don’t need guns to go on a killing spree.  A fucked-up person will find a weapon if there is intent to destroy.  Let’s not turn this into a gun control debate when the issue is actually much deeper, more sinister, and cuts to the very core of what it means to be human.Loyal readers may have noticed a shift in the posting schedule.  The internet service is less reliable in my current abode.  Posts will be regular, they may just come at different times.  I appreciate your patience with change.  Check back often and you may find a surprise.  Got any requests?  Those of you who have written lately, I hear you!  I’m behind.  I love you, and I’m not ignoring you. I’ve stuck to my pledge not to buy any new cosmetic or beauty products.  It feels really good to hit the bottom of a bottle and recycle it knowing I’m depleting my hoarder stash, reducing waste, and getting the most out of the investment.   I’m really learning what products I love and what I can do without which is another great angle to this resolution.  I’ll tell you what I’m for sure going to miss when it is gone – Obagi Professional-C Serum 20%.  A few weeks ago I reported preliminary satisfaction with this product and my affection for this super-effective serum has only grown.  It legitimately improves skin texture and fades discoloration.  From my view, it is one of the few pricey serums that warrants a splurge. 

 

 

 

The Real L Word: A Lesbian Field Day

Whitney fetched SF fling Jaq from the airport to help organize The Pants & Pumps ThrowdownWhitney explained the event as a lesbian field day that pits the fem lezzies against the butch gals all for the benefit of charity.  Upon the conclusion of an afternoon of prop making, the two dropped trou for a slow, yet surprisingly lackluster showerfuck.

Francine’s mom Yoko flew in to LA and arrived dressed like a slot-machine-addicted Vegas retiree.  Even after throwing back two poolside cocktails and chain smoking a few cigarettes, Franny still couldn’t muster the courage to reveal her girl-loving proclivities to her strict Japanese mother.The next day Franny brought Yoko back to her house and tried to ply her with rice wine before dropping the gay sake bomb.  Yoko took it surprisingly well, probably because like most mothers of homosexual children, she’s known of her daughter’s predilection perhaps even before Francine did.  When Franny mentioned Claire and admitted the two were once lovers, Yoko echoed the sentiment of the season: “that girl really really bad.”In their on-going attempts to reproduce, Kacy and Cori assembled a group of friends for a fertility ceremony on the beach.  Using a traditional symbol of fecundity – lilies – the gang focused their energy on inviting a new soul to join them.  Then they optimistically tossed the flowers into the ocean one by one.

With a ripe follicle detected, Cori and Kacy underwent another round of insemination with the hope that this time the procedure would produce a baby.  A quick search did not reveal any confirmation that the two have since successfully conceived, but best of luck on their quest to breed.

After completing preparations for The Pants & Pumps Throwdown, Jac and Whit hit the club.  Sara turned up with new girlfriend Erica, and Whit was completely distracted by their drunk and fervent PDA.  Always caving to her carnal desires against her better judgment, it was obvious how this scenario would play out for WhitneySara’s been the one cooch she could never lock down, so Whit will keep going back over and over until she gains the upper-hand.  Whitney doesn’t love Sara. Whitney loves the chase.

The whole idea of a lesbian field day seemed lame at first, but in actuality the event looked pretty fun.  The series of contests from tying a tie to applying false eye lashes were meant to provoke stereotypes.  In some ways the contest just reinforced traditional notions, especially when the Pants predictably emerged victorious.

The day peaked with chocolate syrup kiddie pool wrestling.  Kacy and Cori got so hot watching nearly nude Scarlett and Eli struggle against one another they had to discreetly retreat to the bushes to alleviate the intolerable sexual tension.

After a challenging season, good news for Romi, her accessory line Hija Por Vida was well received by Udi Behr of Love and Pride.  The promising professional step left Romi and her partner Vanessa feeling elated.  However, Romi still can’t take credit for single-handedly starting the tired-ass feather earring trend.  Though she does deserve credit for pulling her life together and doing something more this season than get wasted and fucked with a second-hand strap on.

The Real L Word: Break-up, Breakdown, Rebound

Saj’s mom Sarita flew into to town to help her recover from her split from Chanel.  Her highly amusing and enjoyable mother stated the obvious, that Saj and Chanel moved way too fast way too soon.  After a few days of maternal grounding, Saj literally wept at the thought of her mom’s return home.

Kacy met up with her friend DreaDrea and her wife conceived twins through insemination, and Kacy wanted to pump her for information on the process.  Once Drea admitted the two went through seven rounds of insemination over a year before they achieved a successful pregnancy, Kacy could barely contain her disbelief.

Later, Cori and Kacy tallied the cost of continuing the procedures over the next year.  After adding up all the different expenses, the two realized they were looking at $3,000 a month or roughly half their monthly take-home income.  Upon this realization, Cori wanted to start looking for a flesh and blood man to cooperate in the baby-making.  Kacy was clearly threatened by the thought of an actual dick entering the scene.  When she slightly raised her voice incredulous at the notion, oversensitive Cori reverted to little girl mode and whined for her to stop yelling before she broke down and fled to the other room to cry.

Well aware of their obvious incompatibility, Romi’s been itching for an excuse to dump Kelsey all season.  She unreasonably demanded that Kelsey completely cease drinking and join her in her sobriety.  When Kelsey admitted she had a glass of wine while with her sister the night before, Romi seized on the confession to create a relationship-ending dispute.

These bitches obviously don’t understand the virtues of a clean break. Romi hovered around while Kelsey packed her belongings.  Romi then drove her ex to a mutual friend’s house to crash.  Romi even went so far as to offer to provide groceries to the host on Kelsey’s behalf.

Whitney invited Kacy and Cori over to gift them with the inseminator.  Romi, fresh from the weave shop, also joined the phallic festivities.  When presented with the aqua dong (editorial note: impressive girth Caes), both the babymakers appeared genuinely touched by the gesture, summing up their feelings by saying, “there was never a more thoughtful dildo given.”When the gathering wound down, Romi pretended to leave, but as soon as she exited Whitney was all over her phone texting.  Whitney had that familiar poon-bandit look in her eye, and it was obvious she was orchestrating a rendezvous.  In the least surprising rebound ever, Romi snuck in the door and right back into Whitney’s familiar bed.

The Real L Word: I think you are confusing me with your other Asian.

Rookie lesbian Saj and her girlfriend of one month Chanel burned through the courtship period of their relationship and jumped right to the bickering.  This classic lesbian relationship foible of too-much-too-soon ruins so many unions before they even get started that it has become a gay shorthand cliché.Uncontrollably aroused by the spin cycle, Saj insisted on excessive PDA, going so far as to pin Chanel in a variety of compromising positions at the laundromat.  Embarrassed and smothered, Chanel literally had to fight off her aggressive advances.How can you tell when a lesbian is desperate to reproduce?  She hits up the Catholic fucking Church to light a candle for whatever Saint bestows such miracles. (St. Jude, patron saint of lost causes perhaps?)  Kacy did just that, hoping a pew and a prayer would result in a preggers Cori.Sadly, Cori came home that night with symptoms of menstruation and not pregnancy.  Just to be absolutely sure, she wasted a pregnancy test to confirm what she already knew was true.  The couple’s first attempt at insemination failed.  Supportive Kacy cushioned the disappointment by procuring two cigarettes which the two smoked with heavy hearts.Claire’s “other Asian” flew in from NYC to nurse the brat’s wounded ego after Franny wasn’t feeling her selfishness.  Personally, Vivian is more physically attractive, but Franny’s got more personality and verve.  Vivian donned this infantilizing pedo-bait lingerie and played little girl lezzie for her sexy time reunion.Well aware of Vivian’s arrival, jealousy and spite drove Franny to inform HBIC Whitney that she and the other girls had been the subject of Claire’s criticism concerning their jobs, looks, and style.  Franny is quite the little shit stirrer, going so far as to provide textual support for her claims. Skills for life people, skills for life.  DO NOT repeat something that you know will hurt someone’s feelings.  Remain suspicious if a person reveals mean secondhand gossip about you to your face; the bearer of the message has an agenda and cares more about manipulating you than about your hurt feelings. At Haute, Whitney confronted Claire on Franny’s accusations.  Clearly rattled, she unconvincingly denied smack talking the other castmates.  Whitney more or less saw through Claire’s denials, but really didn’t seem all that upset about being called a “professional partier.”  She’s admitted as much herself this season.With Vivian and Claire together, Franny felt extra insecure and launched a new round of petty attacks.  Eventually, Claire and Franny ended up on the same sofa where Franny blew up at Claire in a scene Viv aptly described as “messy.”  Indeed, the screaming match between Claire and Franny caused a loud public scene, but the fact that Viv sat there silently like an obedient geisha while her girlfriend was getting reamed explains why Claire revisited fiery Franny in the first place.Franny threw a “landscaping party,” which is basically an excuse for her friends to do her yard work in exchange for free booze.  At the get-together, Chanel started feeling sorry for herself and threw a pity party of her own in the bathroom.  Her childish behavior had Saj chasing after her at first.  As Chanel persisted in her antics however, Saj got super aggravated and decided to quit the relationship.  Break-ups like these usually don’t stick, but Chanel stormed out anyway for dramatic effect.

The Real L Word: JUICY

Rachel finally cornered Whitney (and the camera crew) in the guest bathroom at a pool party.  With very little solicitation on Rachel’s part, Whitney bent her over the sink and turned her out unbeknownst to the sunbathers just outside.Kacy and Cori visited the fertility specialist who advised baby vessel Cori to kick cigarettes for maximum fertility.  Cori hired a Mark Harmonesque hypnotist named Bruce to cure her of her addiction.  Immediately after Bruce broke the induced trance, Cori felt the treatment worked.Apparently, the spell’s magic only had a shelf life of about 6 hours, because later that evening Cori was crawling out of her skin with a raging nic fit.  Thinking an electric cigarette might ease her suffering, Cori made Kacy drive her from gas station to corner store on the hunt for the elusive device.  In the process of hitting up store after store, Cori left her phone behind, and completely lost her shit when she discovered it had gone missing.Several castmembers ended up at the same girlparty PYT.  Everyone seemed to enjoy mellow fun until one of Whitney’s wasted friends Chas started calling Claire a “deb” from New York.  A debutante burn?  No, apparently “deb” for “Debbie Downer” was the stated explanation, but that doesn’t really make much sense, right?  Was Chas implying it was desperate to relocate from New York to catch shine off a lezzie reality show?  Is Chas bitter she didn’t make The Real L Word cut?  For the most part this show prefers its lesbians of the lipstick or soft butch variety, and Chas is Dan Connor-flavored.

Romi’s friend Drew is a 12-stepper and is easing Romi into the recovery scene.  With Romi abstaining and Kelsey boozing, the two constantly clash and even discussed parting ways.  At 23, Kelsey’s still naïve enough to think this is a lasting arrangement.  In a last ditch effort to salvage the relationship, Kelsey pronounced that she too will quit the bottle.  Quite sure she can’t make it at a club without a drink, she phoned Romi’s sober buddy Drew to take her to AA.  Romi reacted selfishly to the news that Kelsey and Drew spent the evening cuddled in bed watching movies and threw a childish fit. Drew did drop this little nugget of wisdom, “If you have one foot in the past and one foot in the future, you’ll piss all over today.”  Could someone please embroider that on a pillow for me stat?Trading on her new-found recognition among the Lesbian community, professional pussy party pusher Whitney hosted her own girlparty Juicy (grossy).  Whitney and HBICs at The Real L Word deserve a little credit; many shows (eehhemm Hills) don’t want stars to acknowledge the reality of how fame affects their lives after the first season airs.  At least Whitney straight up acknowledges (with a hint of embarrassment) that she’s more or less succumbed to milking her F-list celebrity status.

The Real L Word: Smell My Hair

Kacy and Cori dropped $1,920 for three vials of jizz.  Don’t guys make like $100 a donation?  That’s some mark-up.  The couple paid extra for a donor who was open to being contacted when his offspring reach 18.  They celebrated with friends, family, and pizza at an informal sperm party at their home.

Whenever LA gets too thick with the stench of familiar poon, Whitney flees to San Francisco to revisit previous delicacies.  (This time thankfully she upgraded to a larger and nicer hotel room – no offense Phoenix.)  Former dish Jaq conveniently bumped into Whitney at Lexington, an SF institution.  Their fling ended the previous summer when Jaq changed her FB status to “in a relationship,” a setting that acts as Whitney repellent.Later, Whitney hosted a party at Trigger where she soaked up all the fan-love from season one.  She worked the room and provided photo ops for the star-struck crowd. The thing I don’t understand is like girls always want to smell my hair.  You know they’ll like come up and like sneak a sniff, and it’s like, I mean you can, but I don’t know if I should hand it to ‘em or what?  But one thing I’ve made sure of is that this shit always smells on point.”Alyssa and Rachel surprised Whitney in SF.  Rachel created an awkward situation when she assumed that she would be crashing in Whitney’s hotel room.  When Jaq showed up and smooched Whitney hello right in front of Rachel, it proved that regardless of geography, with Whitney, it’s never a drama-free weekend.Sajdah and Chanel sat down for their first official date.  Sajdah laid it on thick with lines like, “What I feel now?  I ain’t even know to desire before.  Like seriously like it’s more than I even knew to want.”  She then slid a note across the table old-school style and asked Chanel to check yes or no if she’d be her girlfriend.  She gifted Chanel a necklace and sealed the deal with a kiss.  Start loading the U-Haul.

Romi threw a dinner party and realized she didn’t know how to have fun without alcohol as a social lubricant.  After the meal, the group headed to the club where Kelsey got loaded and Romi got judgmental.  On the way home in the cab Kelsey complained about how the two never have sex.  Then she started crying over the fuck shortage and collapsed in Romi’s lap.Kelsey finally wore her down with tearful begging, and Romi relented and pity-fucked her.  Dudish Kelsey hilariously grunted “shit” after a particularly satisfying orgasm and closed the every-which-way reciprocal fucksesh by ejaculating.  Literally.

The Real L Word: A Slap in the Vadge

After their late night visit to the pussy diner, Sara and Whitney woke up and enjoyed some leftovers before heading to the dog park.  Because the L.A. lesbian geographical scope is rather limited, Rachel spotted Whitney and Sara at the local canine hotspot.  Rather than spook the two post-coital lovers, Rachel & Company slithered away unnoticed.The Real L Word’s voice of reason Alyssa confronted Whitney on seeing Sara on the low.  The most interesting trinket of information gleaned from the exchange is that Sara’s tits are fake!  I must be losing my eye, because I didn’t spot the rather conservative enhancement at first.  Did you?

Gold Star Rachel, slapped in the vadge by Whitney’s disinterest, curled up with her laptop, a vibrator, and some blow job porn to rub one out for the cameras.  She admits she leans toward the girl on guy oral stuff because the girls “look like they’re whores.”After her kitty petting sesh, Rachel wisely took an indirect approach to dismantling Sara and Whitney’s relationship.  She sat down with Alyssa and revealed that Sara has been rekindling with her significant long-term ex Hana and tried to hustle a job at an NYC salon.  Rachel played out the scenario with mastery, confident that Alyssa would run to Whitney and tattle on SaraRachel sat by innocently with all the proof conveniently saved on her cell phone.Sajdah’s straight friend Marissa arrived for an L.A. visit.  A glowing Sajdah drifted through the conversation in a muffin haze describing her lusty obsession with new lady Chanel.

Later, the three met up to march in the MLK parade.  After the march, Sajdah and Chanel shared their first kiss.  Totally love-struck, who can hate?  These two are super cute.Kacy and Cori are still on the sperm hunt after their first-choice candidate declined by text.  At first, both were wedded to the idea of knowing the donor, and so they approached good friends and gay couple Olivier & Paulo who also politely demurred.  Drawing closer to Cori’s ovulation date, the two agreed to pursue anonymous donors over the internet.  They paid $200 to access donor profiles and found several candidates they saved to their favorites.

This week finds Claire and Francine struggling to establish their respective roles in the 2.0 version of their relationship.  The vibe started off fun and upbeat, but was soon soured by oversensitivity and bickering.

Romi and Kelsey had a tense and uncomfortable dinner with Romi’s change-of-life-lesbian Mom.  The two aired their dirty relationship laundry over Sake, and reaffirmed what we all know: that this shit is DOOMED.  We also learned Romi is 29!?, bi-polar, and an alcoholic.The following evening when Romi returned from work, she sent Kelsey out to the liquor store so the two could pre-game before a night on the town.  This is only relevant because it was very amusing that as Kelsey walked out we got a glimpse of the camera crew sitting on the floor outside the apartment in the hallway.  Very profesh editing Real L Word. All the ladies of various factions coalesced at girlparty Haute for beats and booze.  Even though the community is small, a few members of the cast were introduced for the first time.  Buzzed, Romi and Rachel obsequiously flirted and eventually smooched right in front of Kelsey. Whitney took her liquid courage and confronted Sara about Hana and her backdoor dealing.  Claire got all sanctimonious about the drama in the club and split.  Don’t worry Claire, your time for scene-making shouting matches will come before the season closes.Belligerently drunk by the end of the evening, Romi and Kelsey spent several minutes trying to arrange a cab while simultaneously fighting about Romi’s unmitigated make-out moment with Rachel.  The next morning, Romi feigned blackout amnesia to skirt responsibility for her drunk, slutty behavior the night before.  Kelsey seemed to buy Romi’s excuse, but she’s the only one. Dumbass Claire ruined a successful evening with Francine by rushing home to Skype with Vivian in NYC.  Understandably pissed off by Claire’s contradictory behavior, Francine nursed her her own stinging slap in the vadge.

 

The Real L Word: younger, thinner, nakeder

The Real L Word is back with Season 2, this time younger, thinner, and nakeder.  The only Sapphic star to make the second season cut…

Welcome back Whitney.

It will surprise no one to learn that Sara and Whitney are still doing the on and off thing.  Whitney’s closest friends oppose a relationship between her and Sara.  A more svelte appearing Alyssa suspects Sara’s true intentions are more starfucker than sweetheart.  Alyssa has always been and will always be the Yoda of this program.

Whitney’s only significant ex, Rachel, arrived in LA with her own intentions to complicated things further for the locked lezzie.  Whitney has no sympathy for jet-lag, so after Rachel hit the hay, Whitney snuck out the back door to meet Sara for a secret, yet fully-filmed fuck sesh.

Romi and the Rebound

Romi’s been promoted to full cast member this season season because she agreed to show full frontal.  She’s got a new rebound girlfriend named Kelsey who looks eerily like Jennifer Lawrence in Winter’s Bone.  Hovering around ten months, the relationship grieves the honeymoon stage and struggles with the transition into LTR.  The two admit they haven’t fucked in three weeks.After a tension-filled night on the town with another couple, Romi and Kelsey drunkenly groped on the bed, nearly breaking their 3 week dry spell before Romi abruptly fell asleep.  If that’s not a sign of imminent demise, what is?

Rice Chaser

New cast member Claire, dubbed a “rice chaser” by her own girlfriend for her tendency to date ladies of the pan-Asian variety, is leaving her east coast lesbiasian Vivian to rekindle the flame with her west coast lesbiasian FrancineClaire gives Whitney a run for the money in the narcissism department, but unlike the ladies of Whitney’s harem, Francine has no trouble putting Claire in her place.  In fact, Francine has the kind of nutsack most men would envy.  Upon Claire’s arrival to L.A., the two immediately started bickering.  Claire looks like a young Erica Jong, and carries all the tension in her mouth as she kisses one parliament light after another.

The Baby Makers

The show wouldn’t be complete without married baby makers Kacy and Cori.  Is the pussy willow picture a joke?  To further their steps towards procreating, the couple visited the sex store in search of something with which “you can strap on and squirt material at people.”  The helpful salesman offered a butt douche, but the two decided to return to more familiar waters and check out the DIY possibilities at Home Depot.

Later on, the baby makers swallowed their first bitter mouthful of disappointment when prospective sperm donor Brent backed out by text message.

Fresh out the Closet

Meet Sajdah, fresh out the closet and new to LA.  She takes no time in breaking into the scene via internet dating.  Using Facebook to connect with Chanel, she agrees to meet up for an open mic night.  Quietly eager, Sajdah rolled up to the date with laid back game.  The two had palpable chemistry and before long worked the latest dance craze – the pussy bump.

The Real L Word: Dinah Shorgy

The maternal surprise theme continued this week when Nik imported Jill’s mom to L.A. for a weekend of wedding planning.  The three ladies hit the wedding dress store posthaste to find the perfect gown for Jill.  The dress they selected was an improvement over the previous option, but overall it wasn’t particularly spectacular or original.  Wonder if they have adequately considered that two brides marching down the aisle side-by-side in white dresses will inevitably draw comparisons over who looked better?Next, the couple took Jill’s mom to the cliffside mansion wedding location in Malibu.  Jill and her Mom had a moment on the beach, and Jill’s mom expressed her blessing for the union.  With the support of her mom, Jill blossomed and began to truly emanate the irrepressible glow of a bride to be.

Rose and Natalie arrived in Palm Springs and headed straight for Dinah Shore’s actual house which they rented for their weekend of relationship destruction.  Natalie and Rose managed to keep the peace through the first night at the white party.  However, by the next day’s pool party, Rose started popping off.  The two got into it over going to the ladies room.  This gave Rose the excuse she needed to run off and flirt with other women while ignoring Nat.

Instead of crying in her cheap beer, Natalie made her own fun dancing with friends.  Later, Rose returned back to the rental house, and just as she was explaining to her friend that she and Natalie were “on a break,” she opened the bedroom door and saw Natalie packing up her belongings.  Finally, Natalie asserted herself against Rose’s unreasonable bitchiness and kicked her ass to the curb — hopefully for good!Mikey followed up last week’s public wedding proposal with another grand gesture: a tattoo of Raquel’s name across her wrist.  Apparently Mikey hasn’t gotten the memo that this cliché is the kiss of death for relationships.  At Dinah, Raquel, surprisingly prudish, couldn’t completely stomach the flamboyant display of lezzie love, so she and Mikey ended up spending most of their time in their hotel room lacing and unlacing her corset.

Stamie and Tracy teamed up to shoot a PSA for California health care.  Stamie brought her daughter, Dautry, in an effort to force Zory to meet her.  Zory and Dautry had a moment and bonded over lollipops, but it did little to ease the palpable tension between Zory and Stamie.Later, Stamie admitted she was ready to have Tracy back full time and for Zory to go home.  Ultimately, the visit served its purpose as it did seem to soften Zory’s anti-lesbian resolve.  The gang closed out the evening by singing Tracy’s twenties goodbye.  Tracy, it is a mistake to waste your remaining youth and hotness playing two mommies with another woman’s kids.Whitney, essentially the Grand Marshal of the Dinah Shore dyke parade, dropped in on Palm Springs with a crew of enthusiastic Sapphics.  Sara and Whitney engaged in a poolside flirtation, including a little bump and grind, before heading up to the hotel room for an afternoon delight.

The next day, Whitney and Sara coupled up and headed down to the pool party where they ran into none other than the dignity-challenged Romi!  Apparently, Romi and Sara connected over Facebook, much to Whitney’s surprise and chagrin.  Serving Whitney a heaping slice of humble pie, Sara and Romi wasted no time embracing each other and making out in the middle of the pool.  In a unexpected turn for Dinah Shore, Whitney returned to her bed alone.  Upon the weekend’s conclusion, Whitney declared, “Fuck it, I’m single as hell, so ladies, watch out!”